not because we don't want it to but because it just can't.
but i'll watch you walk away without a single regret other than those times i made you cry
or when i cried because it wasted the times we could otherwise have spent holding each other.
at least we tried. we gave it a shot
and a part of you will definitely always be with me.
it's hard to say as of right now.
crazy as it sounds.
mad, delirious it might seem because we're only so young.
too in love that we're just so dizzy.
that at 16 i could feel that i've found my perfect other half.
it scares mommy, fuck it scares me too.
i used to ask myself that since i had to push my father back from the entrance of the flat.
i guess you just do know, in the end.
you'd tell her to take it slow and see the world.
so yes, i know where she's coming from completely.
as i've grown i've somehow managed(finally!) to understand her.
she admits willingly though, that he's the only proper boyfriend that she'd ever ever ever accept.
it really scares me sometimes.
ohidon'tknow.fuckit.thisisbecomingfuckingshitty.
it's the whole.
i tried to tell you, you know.
what's been happening, what i've been feeling.
but you don't listen.
you're not listening, you're not listening anymore.
"why're you still with me then" kinda thing.
and i hate myself more.
and i keep feeling like i don't have a right to feel like this.
that's why i can't cry and i can't get upset like this.
it really really does, and i can't say it out.
not even to myself.
and then you'll tell me how this, how all this shows that i'm not happy with you.
you might tell me not to love you anymore.
with you.
because it's not true.
it's not fucking true.
i love you.
and i do want to be with you.
i want to tell you, because other wise i'm just doing what your last girlfriend did.
collapse.
and we'll just be ruined and i'd never want that.
suddenly you're mine,
and it's brighter than sunshine
what a feeling
- xoxo
charis loves you
2:14 PM
(0) comments
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Overheard in New York
Teacher: Tyler*, your mom is here.
Tyler: Yay! ... Wait, which one?
omg, this is so fucking sad!
sighsighsiiiigh
a celebrity marriage which lasted 16 years before it ended in divorce was labelled a
"Freak of Hollywood"
that's sad
):
c'mon baby we're gonna live forever,
lemme show you all the things that we could do
i know you wanna be together
and i wanna spend the night with you
- xoxo
charis loves you
6:09 PM
(0) comments
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
so much so for bringing out my opinions on a platform.
For the record,
i've removed both blog posts
no really, i can't be bothered anymore
i'm sorry i got her riled up,
and jumped the gun with regards to the second girl as well.
coincidentally,
i was asked on hi! tech whether any of my blog posts have created such problems.
i suppose in this sense,
there is quite a problem with blogging, and oh
one does have to think through the pre-typed out words a million times over.
but really,
who does?
diddums
SO
i've been reading book after book after book.
you know how crazy i am about reading.
the problem, huge-ass problem it is, these days, is that i'd read something so beautiful
but i can't remember it afterwards.
urgh.
so much for expanding vocabulary eh?
oh wells.
hi! tech's coming out this saturday at 1.30pm! (:
- xoxo
charis loves you
3:01 PM
(0) comments
Sunday, April 22, 2007
the week's been fine,
thank you for asking.
the usual ups and downs
which inevitably, make me ask myself why.
pierced ernie's tongue today,
was late for church and then,
didn't feel well with that damned aching right arm.
so moped around outside, enveloped by the freezing night breeze
(never thought i'd say that in singapore)
and then,
moped around inside for a bit too.
not everyone, just you.
i want you to want me
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:42 AM
(0) comments
001. real name : Charis Vera Ng Mei Yi
002. nickname: jie, bunny
003. single or taken : taken
004. zodiac sign : Pisces
005. male or female : female.
006. elementary : PL(primary)
007. high : PL(secondary), BMC
008. college : i'm thinking UCLA or theatre practice
009. eye color : brown
010. hair color : dark brown,highlighted
011. long or short hair :shoulder length
012. shoe size : 8/9013. asthma? : nope
014. are you health freak : nuh uh
015. height : 159cm
016. do you have a crush on someone: VERY MUCH
017. do you like yourself: uh huh!:D
018. piercings : ten in total
019. tattoos : three(:
020. righty or lefty: rightyyy
FIRSTS:
022. first surgery : never had any
023. first piercing : 8 years old
024. first best friend : i think it was Amanda
025. first movie : noo idea
026. First cca you joined : netball
027. first pet : two cats, before iwas born
028. first vacation : went to france ithink
029. first concert : cant remember
030. first crush : Arroi Ng, who was ayear older than me
CURRENTLY :
049. eating : nothing
050. drinking : nothing
052. i'm about : to finish this andput it on my blog
053. listening to : the bloody noisy tv
055. waiting for : bunny to caaall?
057. wearing : a denim dress
YOUR FUTURE :
058. want kids? : FIVE!
Zachary Adam, Yeola Belle, XanderChris, Maxine Danielle and
Jemimah Elizabeth
059. want to get married? : definitely
060. careers in mind? :Theatre; Musicals, cut a couple of albums and be a great mom
WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX? :
068. lips or eyes? : eyes
069. hugs or kisses : hugs
070. shorter or taller : taaller
072. romantic or spontaneous: a bit of both
073. stomach or arms : well porportioned!
074. sensitive or loud: sensitive
075. hook-up or relationship:relationship
HAVE YOU EVER :
078. kissed a stranger : uh huh
080. lost glasses/contacts: contacts i think
081. ran away from home : once
082. broken any bones : nope
084. broken someone's heart : uh huh
085. been arrested : noo
086. turned someone down : Yea
087. cried when someone died : yea.funny, i wasn't close to em
088. liked a friend : uh huh
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
089. yourself: kind of
090. miracles : yeap
091. love at first sight : depends
092. heaven : yes
093. santa claus : YES!(you do know he's real right?)
094. fairies : no
095. kissing on the first date : NO
096. angels : mmhmm
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY :
097. Is there one or more people you want to be with right now? : very much so
098. Is Superman really better than Batman? : no, george cloony is incomparable by a mile
099. Have you had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at the sametime? : no
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:26 AM
(0) comments
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
- xoxo
charis loves you
11:07 PM
(0) comments
i hate emo posts.
so this is not being emo, and trying to undo all the emo stuff
you could always disregard what i've written
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net
HAHAHAHA
oh,
now it's:
"we're catching up"
but it's okay,
just need to get my laughing pills out of the closet
and find a way to dry the tears that seem to be coming out of nowhere
- xoxo
charis loves you
10:52 PM
(0) comments
and then without quite meaning to,
he looked away
she couldn't, for the life of her understand why.
why was this happening to her?
why her? of all people.
he kissed her cheek,
slipped her the rose he had bought,
which, ironically, was meant for their third year anniversary.
and then,
he walked away
didn't even look back.
he left her standing there,
the rose in hand.
her finger upon the only thorn that was on the rose stem.
and then,
she was gone.
- xoxo
charis loves you
9:10 PM
(0) comments
too hot too hot too hot
so yes, if you're about to ask, so far it has been sort of a day wasted.
well, until tonight anyway.
English is coming along great. i really need to change my very monotonous sentence structures.
most of my sentences start with a subject or a verb.
i'll highlight that, and change that to make my essays more interesting.
Dawn's a good english teacher. government schools need teachers like her.
so there's this mom who's blog i chanced upon.
she's got three ex husbands, one ex wife, two kids, two cats, two fish, a dog and a boyfriend.
This boyfriend was married with a five year old.
no, i won't say anything.
so this is me, not saying anything.
coming from a family where daddy doesn't live in the same house
(no you dopes! just because divorce is common doesn't mean it's fucking okayy!)
i mean, okay, so she's got a good relationship with her kids' father,
but please!
so what if you know his wife can never have sex with him and give him pleasure the way you do?
so what if we all(even i, as a reader) hate her, the superwoman because she really is such a horrid selfish brat?
so what?
the point is, do we really need any more broken families?
and you're freaking having sex with this guy, two minutes after you've tucked your children in
as well as right after cell group.
no,
i am not holy moley. i do wrong things too.
i'm as human as the rest of the world.
we cheat, get addicted to sex(or something like that)
and hurt the people we love the most.
i've hurt mommy, i've hurt alastair, i've hurt my baby sister!
but one thing i don't do,
is go to cell group, talk about going to church, play a good mommy and call myself a cockwhore.
i don't know how mothers could do that really.
i mean,
i'd just DIE if i saw my mother's naked pictures all over a blog she would probably keep secret from me.
yes, cumshots and all.
on top of that, being so in love with God as my mother is,
i don't think she'd really call herself a cockwhore, flash her boobs and cunt for the world and sleep around.
oh yes, AND tell the world about it.
okay, after this particularly self-righteous, bitchy post,
i do think it's awfully hard to be a mom.
it really is.
can you imagine it?
"hey! wanna have sex with a random hot guy?"
"i can't, G has a ballet recital and tomorrow morning's D's ball game.
i also have work i brought home, not to mention the cat litter which often forgets to clear its contents and walk itself to the rubbish bin"
*usually, instead of this whole long chunk, it would be:
"i can't. i'm a mom"
men, on the other hand,
have it easy(except from their wives of course)
Before kids, they go out anytime they like,
after kids, they go out anytime they like.
if they don't go out, they're just slobbing around in front of the tv anyway.
i'm just saying in general you know?
i know my dad doesn't do that, he's too caught up in his work.
and alastair doesn't do that either, he slobs around if front of the computer,
and i have a gut feeling he'll be doing that if we end up married, with five screaming kids
you know i love you alastair!
but anyway, do you get the point?
even though we'd think it gross if we saw our dad's naked body splattered all over the web,
we'd think it's just that, gross and nothing more.
on top of that, unless we've actually seen that part of our dad's bodies we wouldn't even KNOW it's our dads.
WHICH IS PRECISELY MY POINT!
we wouldn't even be able to tell if the naked body in the photo couple with the erotic blogging is or is not that of our fathers.
and even if we did find out it was our dad,
we'd just think it gross and probably stop walking around wrapped in a towel.
BUT
if it's our mothers we saw
we'd recognize them immediately cos usually the woman's face is in full view.
and then,
we'd think that they were such a complete disgrace.
oh the betrayal!
on top of the
EW EW EW screaming in our heads.
even if our moms were like hot(like stacy's mom)
it'd still be gross.
so yes,
even though i spent the first quarter of my post
dissing the woman like alot
(mainly because she goes to church. and has cell group and ass whipping within hours of each other)
my posting made me realize the hugeass burden a mother carries.
it's more than just, my daughter seeing scarrs i have from cutting myself.
mothers are human after all.
and this woman's still in her "i'm gonna die if i don't fuck something quick" stage.
but she is just thirty.
can you imagine, not only being a mother of two, at thirty, but also having three ex husbands and an ex wife?
yes, mothers do have a lot of weight on their shoulders.
it's still upsetting though.
some mothers embrace that responsibility
some shun it like the plague.
i, for one, would embrace the beauty that comes with this responsibility,
that being my children.
whatever it is, if you're a mom, one can tell.
so just like being a girlfriend means one can't kiss random guys unless with permission,
being a mother means even if you're a nymphomaniac, you don't gloat to the whole world about how you just love doggystyle or whatever.
i need to shutup and bathe before filming starts.
- xoxo
charis loves you
4:12 PM
(0) comments
Sunday, April 15, 2007
just another day,
just another pack of cards
i got a call today,
apparently something went wrong with the filming the other week and everything's out of focus.
in other words,
we have to reshoot everything
):
SO, they'll be coming over again this week and stuff.
hope it'll be okay because at about seven, the roads are really noisy.
ANEEEEWAYYYYY
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLING BIRDIKINS!
YOU'RE SWEEEEET SIXTEEEEEEEEEEEN NOW,
STOP BEING SO HOT AND KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU(:
i hope she liked the surprise vicky and i gave her last night
even though she woke up in the middle of it and sounded like she was dying of lung cancer
poor baby.
mommy lost her phone, left it in a cab.
by the time she called it, it was off.
i hate losing phones. like what the fuck):
so tomorrow she'll get her sim card replaced and hopefully, if i accompany her,
i'll get my keypads replaced too
janice has requested that i blog about her
so here,
i am blogging about her.
MOVING ON
i almost got a shitzu today;
babyyy shitzuuuu
BUT
i think that damn thing about the pet shop was a hoax.
"Can help? pet shop in joo chiat closing down tomorrow.
2 huskies, 1 labrador, 1 shitzu and 1 husky-terrier crossbreed to give away,
or they'll be put down
contact mariam at 97302064.
please forward, thanks."
was how this particular text message went.
i'm sure quite a few of us received this very same text message today.
though by the time the third text came in,
the shop was said to close down today.
information does get warped as it passes along.
i talked about it with vicky, my mom and janice.
and even though in the end vicky was against it,
we were still quite prepared for an addition to the family.
however, the owner, or "mariam" was unavailable upon my calling.
we searched the net and called up petshops in joochiat.
one of them said she'd heard the news and the shop was called DogCom.
When we called that shop, some bloke who couldn't even pronounce his own shop name,
(he called it logcom)
said it wasn't his shop in question and no, they didnt have a mariam working for them.
maybe, just maybe i'm jumping to conclusions and the forwarded text is, in fact,
very real and the lives of these dogs are at stake.
but we did try our very best, calling texting and stuff.
if it really was a hoax, which i have this sinking feeling that it is,
i mean.
i just wonder why people would do these kinda things.
why? does it make you feel good?
oh isn't it hilarious, having a third of singapore suddenly worried and stressed out about the lives of puppies that don't exist?
and all at the doing of your own hands?
i shan't say more because,
well what if it is real, you know?
i do hope it's not and that there aren't puppies which are gonna lose their lives.
- xoxo
charis loves you
10:26 PM
(0) comments
Friday, April 13, 2007
HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Thank God i'm tall enough to reach the liquor cabinet,
and know how to pour myself a glass of baileys' and make myself laugh like this.
God knows what'd happen to me otherwise
simply put,
i realized if we determine say, a period of about a week where we should be completely uncontactable to one another,
i just might be able to handle it better than you.
on the other hand,
having this, (besides the rollercoaster-like, completely different compared to my group of friends,)other wise normal kind of relationship,
i end up needing you more and being fantastically clingier than i could ever have imagined myself.
it's hard thinking rationally and it's taken me time before i managed to come to this.
and i realized, that there's actually nothing we can do about it.
any of it at all.
'nother point.
it's superbly clear how moody you get whenever i go out for drinks with my friends or have a all girls drinking night.
you, and i'll admit, i, we'd both never admit to actually having a problem with each other drinking, now would we?
i'll lay my cards on the table;
Honestly speaking, i don't have a problem with you drinking.
of the two of us, it had always been clear who seemed to have a better head on their shoulders.
But then, quite recently, you're "going out for drinks" more often
every other week, to say the least.
okay, so it's only happened a couple of times in recent.
see, i know how crazily worried you get.
and you'd always keep texting me nonstop on my night out with the girls or if i have my girlfriends over. and if i don't reply fast enough, another text message comes in with a
"i guess you're busy"/"well have fun then" kind of thing
you've beeen getting so terribly intolerant of me lately,
implying how i emotionally blackmail you. but you do just the same thing.
whenever i can, and i always always ask, check, double check,
to see if on my night's out you can be there too.
even if it's just among my friends.
It does get horribly tricky and a tad bit unfair when my friends subtly hint that it's a girls night out after all, and you're a guy. then they try to make me feel better by saying, one feels more restricted with their other half around.
of course, that wouldn't apply to their girlfriends.
Nonetheless, i do try.
simply because i love your company and if it's going to be a sitting around chatting and drinking night, i don't see why you shouldn't be there.
But it's completely different on your side.
Sometime it's an all guys thing, sometimes your female friends are there too.
either ways, one thing's for absolute certain:
i'm not.
and putting aside where facts don't change whether or not it's an all guys night out or inclusive of your girl friends,
you just don't text me at all.
you stop replying after a while, telling me that you couldn't feel the vibration or your phone ran out of battery or something.
and i'm not like you.
so i wouldn't keep texting and texting and texting like crazy when you're obviously out and busy.
but i'll admit, when im on my night's out and you're not there, i try as best as i can to keep replying you. cos i do miss you and i dont want you to worry about me.
You texting me when i'm out late isn't a bad thing,
but me texting you when you're out late is though
Is it the whole girl guy thing going again?
in an effort so you don't worry so much about me, i find myself giving setting a curfew for myself.
telling it to you and promising to meet it.
five, ten minutes past that is unacceptable and you make that obvious all the time.
on top of already being moody because i've been out late.
you text sighs in your messages and sigh if we're on the phone
you tell me i'm busy and should go have fun.
however, if i'm home early or by the stated time,
you don't seem any more excited.
"oh, okay. that's nice. why didn't you stay longer? interesting"
is all i get.
and on nights like these when you're out and away and i don't want to text you and disturb you.
i'm just left looking at the clock and wondering what time you'll be home,
worrying but not wanting to tell you because you scoff.
yes darling, you do scoff, and you tell me you're a guy.
nothing happens to guys.
well a friend of mine has a friend who just got raped.
and he was a guy too.
now i know my mind has a tendency of running wild and weird imaginative film content flies through my head,
but it doesn't make me worry any less.
those old cliches do mean something;
'i worry because i love you'
anyways, dawn's hoooome!
engreeech lesson soon!
haha.
cool eh? i have my english lessons at 1.15am, after a glass of bailey's.
haha.
orhkay dorhkay.
little bunny is back in his rabbit hole;
in other words you can more or less disregard this post.
or not because i'm quite proud of my honesty actually.
and how i was able to type all of this out, clearly and rationally.
- xoxo
charis loves you
11:27 PM
(0) comments
we're back at that again
again
again
again
why do you do that?
why do i do what i do?
say something which
in the end
won't happen
my hope dashed again and
again
but how?
i stopped,
i shouldn't have had expectations.
wasn't that the problem?
it wasn't supposed to be like this
it wasn't supposed to be painful anymore
so why is it?
why do i still wait, hopefully
like a dog at the door
and why do i still cry?
why is it still so painful?
you ask me what's wrong
and i tell you
so you reply
with an iloveyou
and go on doing whatever it was you were doing
i don't get it anymore
and i hate missing you so much
i hate needing you so much
i hate being so fucking clingy
because i get annoyed at myself
and in the end,
it's all too terribly obvious;
as i, just sit
the rain and tears running down my face,
indistinguishable,
life goes on.
you've got plenty of stuff to do,
like everyone else
and i ought to go look for a life to live
i do know what i want
i do want you,
so so much
to the point where i hate myself because
it's unreciprocated.
and i, just look pathetic.
allow me to go get a life,
get a fucking life
- xoxo
charis loves you
1:18 PM
(0) comments
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
OMG
this sounds reeeeaallyyyyy cool
and you know i wouldn't waste your time right? c'mon!
http://www.agloco.com/r/BBDD1673
basically, you download the viewbar(when it's ready, cos it doesnt seem to be ready yet)
and everytime you use it, you get paid.
a limit of course, up to five hours a day.
SO
you can click on the link, read up on the stuff yourselves, find out whatever you need to
and sign up, indicating you've been referred by me.
THEN,
you pass the message on and you build your refferal network and basically, earn more money.
give it a shot, what've you got to lose?
hmm?
- xoxo
charis loves you
3:40 PM
(0) comments
i should stop being so clingy
just thinking about myself gets me claustrophobic.
it wasn't so much that i suppose,
it was more that whole
but i asked you first thing, you know?
and maybe it
you know, i really should shutup
but i'm trying to figure out what i'm upset about.
i think i just need to cry and get over myself
just one of those things you'll have to get over it
- xoxo
charis loves you
2:45 PM
(0) comments
OMG
you won't believe what i saw on Overheard in New York!
The Pain Is Easier to Endure Than the Humiliation
20-ish girl #1: My grandmother said chewing gum is illegal in Singapore.
20-ish girl #2: No way.
20-ish girl #1: Yeah, if they catch you they cane you! In public!
20-ish girl #2: That sucks.
20-ish girl #1: My grandmother says it's an acquired taste.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
first of all,
it's a miracle Singapore was even mentioned.
but i must say, Singapore IS starting to get more recognized.
it's even mentioned in the new Pirates of the Caribbean! amaaaaaazing!
but what's funnier, is how untrue it is.
us here in singapore know we don't get caned in public
what's eve more hilarious is how Singapore is being talked about like some
exotic, unknown country.
evil, dangerous and unknown
like africa or something!
AHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHA
okay, i'm gonna go off before i piss myself laughing
- xoxo
charis loves you
2:36 PM
(0) comments
forgive me,
boredom's kicking in
1. The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?- alastaaaaair(:
2. When shopping at the grocery storedo you return your cart?- yea
3. In a social setting are you moreof a talker or listener?- i'd strike up conversations but i do listen
4. Do you take compliments well?- i think i do.i don't do the whole asian "oh, me? i'm not pretty" thing.
5. Are you an active person?- very! i'm actively inactive(:okay i do kinda exercise
6. If abandoned in the wildernesswould you survive?- define wilderness
7. Do you like to ride horses?- love it
8. Did you ever go to a camp as akid?- yea, and i always made excuses to stay out of running games
9. What's a bad habit you have?- i swear too much
10. Are you judgemental?- no
11. Could you date someone withdifferent religious beliefs?- well the person i'm dating now doesn't have different beliefs
12. Do you like to pursue or bepursued?- preferably pursued
13. Do you have a bf/gf?- alastaaair(:
14. Are you tired?- physically, but i just woke up
15. Do you consider yourself matureor immature?- i think i'm pretty much my age
16. Do you know how to shoot a gun?- nope, would love to learn how though
17. If your house was on fire whatwould be the first thing you save?- well family isn't really a thing right? so it'd be my stuffed toys and my phone.
18. How often do you read books?- as often as i can
19. Do you think more about the past,present, or future?- the future
20. What's your favorite children'sbook?- enid blyton stuff
21. Left or right?- riiiight
22. Do any of your top friends have acrush on you?- no
23. Where is your dream houselocated?- Los Angeles
24. What are you wearing?- my nighty
25. Last person you've talked to?- alastaaaair
26. Ever taken pictures in a photobooth?- yea. photo booth fun!:D
27. When was the last time you wereat Olive Garden?- i don't remember ever going there
28. What are your keys on your keychain for?- door, gate and a locker
29. Where was the furthest place youtraveled?- France
30. Where is your current pain?- my lip piercing
31. Do you like mustard?- looove it!
32. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?- sleep
33. Do you like your mom or dad?- i love them both but it's easier loving my mom
35. Can you do splits?- no
36. What movie do you wanna see rightnow?- number 23, except alastair doesn't wanna
37. Do you put lotion on your dog orcat?- when i had a cat i put everything but lotion, come to think of it
38. What did you do for New Year's?- watched a movie and went to Stacy's place for her new year's partyyy
39. Do you think The Grudge wasscary?- didn't bother to watch it
40. Do you own a camera phone?- yeap
42. Was your mom a cheerleader?- nah, she was a scholar
43. Does any of your top friendshave a fat head?- none of my friends have a fat head
44. Who did you vote for on AmericanIdol?- i'm rooting for jordin
45. How many hours of sleep do youget a night?- 6-10
46. What do you buy at the movies?- hotdogs
47. Do you wear your seatbelt?- no
48. What do you wear to sleep?- shirts/nightys
49. How many meals do you eat a day?- 2
50. Is your tongue pierced?- yea
51. Do you always readMySpace/Friendster?- yea
52. Do you like funny or seriouspeople better?- naturally comical people who know how to be serious
53. Did you eat a cookie today?- no
54. Do you use slang words in otherlanguages?- yea
55. Favorite Christmas song(s)?- santa baby
56. Do you hate chocolate?- who hates chocolate!
57. What do you and your parentsfight about the most?- my mom and i fight about sex,my dad and i fight about piercings and "being out of hand"
58. Are you a sensitive person?- i'd like to think so(:
- xoxo
charis loves you
2:08 PM
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quite out of the blue, as usual.
it's strange, how although we look forward to our birthdays every year, we stop noticing that we're growing up.
we stop noticing how being sixteen is quite, quite different from being six and we pick up the six year olds and tell them how adorable they are.
it's only been about a decade since we were that age, and that size,
but we don't quite seem to remember that.
i think what really startles me most is this;
At six, when we say
"mommy i've got a friend who..."
the other half of the sentence talks about random kids who smash legos, or can do splits, or has lots more barbie dolls than us.
At 12, when we say that,
we're talking about a friend who's gotten a second piercing, started smoking and/or cuts school and makes out with guys two years older(thus deemed too old for us)
But now,
at sixteen, the sentence
"mommy i've got a friend who..."
ends off, quite a few times with,
"just got married" or "just gave birth"
i'm not talking about friends the same age as me of course, but around my age.
and i realized,
"around my age" right now includes people who are in their twenties.
so even though people my age aren't getting married yet or giving birth,
people around my age are definitely getting married, one has just become a father, another a mother.
At the very least, people my age or around my age, are contracting sexually transmitted dieseases and/or getting thrown into boys/girls' homes.
c 'est la vie!
after all, what can we do other than nod at this blog post, acknowledge how we're growing older every day and simply carry on with life?
no, i don't want to be sixteen forever
that's not the point of this whole entry.
it's just shocking that one moment we're running around the house refusing to be put to bed for our afternoon naps and pretty much the very next moment,
we're screaming for peace and quiet so we can crawl into bed for our afternoon naps because the days are taking its toll on us.
scary, don't you find?
how days, weeks and christmases pass us by so quickly.
suddenly secondary school life is over and too soon for us,
we're thrown into the ugly world of politics and secret rendezvous at unknown restaurants so that we can know the real deal with so and so as well as so and so.
no wonder people keep wanting to go back to studies.
well, i'm dreadfully tired.
i've had two days of math and i didn't get to rest much today.
i was falling asleep but stayed up to come online and waste a bit more of my life away.
i've been up for an extra two hours now.
shutting up, i take my leave
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:51 AM
(0) comments
Monday, April 09, 2007
so i answered the phone crying
i'm sorry,
what more can i say already?
i was hurt so i reacted the way i did and lashed out
but you turn it around and yes,
i admit, i didn't mean those words i said
what i do really think and feel is;
you're better off without me.
because to you, i'm as close to perfect as perfect gets.
though you admit, that there're half a dozen things you'd like to change about me.
you love me, and i know you do.
but you still want to change those little quirks about me that don't fit you,
that you don't like.
you need someone who doesn't bug you,
who doesn't see a problem with you staying up all night playing games,
perhaps even playing those games with you.
you need someone who doesn't pierce or tattoo or cut
someone who's still in a mainstream school gunning for a brilliant future.
a brilliant future preferably in singapore or australia, right where you want to be
on the other hand,
i know i want you. and yes,
i know i need you.
you've offered me more than any girl could ask for.
one could easily think, but then there are those things about you that i seem like i want to change.
like you staying up all night to play computer games
but the truth is,
you wouldn't be who you are if not for those little quirks.
you're perfect, to me because of what and who you are.
i wouldn't be in love with you if i didn't have those minor things to get annoyed about.
but it's different for you, isn't it?
that piercings and tattoos are an increasing thing on me.
so you would say, go ahead and do what makes you happy
but you don't mean it
and then afterwards, it just backfires on me.
then i am torn,
between wanting to close my piercing or whatever, to make you happy
and thinking that if you loved me enough, the piercing wouldn't matter to you.
then just the other day,
when i was full on ready to just close the new piercing,
you got so pissed off!
saying i was closing it for the wrong reasons.
but on the contrary my darling!
because if it made you happy then i'd be happy too.
can't you see that?
i've sworn never to change for anybody or ever give up the things i love
but i do, for you
simply because i'm in love with you
and your happiness means the world to me
there are still everyday things that continue to happen
things that i'm still upset about.
and i can't say a thing about it
then there's last night which spills over to today.
i gripped the bare blade in my hand so tight, just willing it to sink through my skin
i thought, no.
i'd leave it for today.
i really was sorry about all those things i said, you know.
but you've thrown my tears and sorrys back in my face,
of course, bringing up the horrible mistake i made and today
is just nothing
i thought, if we didn't make it past today,
i'd drive that thing ito my wrist.
but you know,
now i really don't know what i'll do.
oh, how i've always hated unrequitted love.
but what if this is something worse?
that i can love you so much
and know, without a doubt, how much you love me too
but yet, at the very same time
know that you can't really want me if there's so much about me that you want to change?
i had/have a little secret for you
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:26 PM
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Sunday, April 08, 2007
yummy yummy
- xoxo
charis loves you
11:42 PM
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i don't know whether to cry, or laugh out of relief, or at the absurdity of it all
sure,
you're a guy
and i'm not even your girlfriend
so i don't really have a right to start freaking out when you havn't contacted me at eleven at night
well, in my opinion
"i'm a guy" doesn't mean you're not gonna turn up dead in a ditch somewhere.
so no,
that reason doesn't quite work for me
i should shut up right about now
really, i don't know if i should cry or laugh
because, yea it is pretty silly if you think about it
and even though i don't need/deserve to know,
i guess i was hurt with the way you replied
oh but who gives a flying fuck, eh?
as promised,i ought to blog a bit about today's filming
it was fun
but i admit, i felt rather like i was "dressed in borrowed robes"
when they referred to me as
"famous" or a
"celebrity blogger".
Honestly speaking, til now i'm not quite sure what i was on the programme for.
haha
apparently sabs told victor that being linked to my blog generates publicity for other people.
that's not true okayyy!haha
i proceeded to tell him that i shall now remove his link!
oh the genius of me.
okay you know what,
frankly i can't blog right now.
the reason is simple:
i blog about whatever i feel and/or whatever's going on as of right now.
right now,
i'm upset because of what happened
of course, i should feel better because of what he replied me
and also because he called me up too.
but;
i'm sorry, i have to admit,
that though on one hand what he's said makes me feel just that tad bit better,
i'm upset.
feeling stupid about myself is one reason:
i'm not your girlfriend, i didn't deserve to know
and therefore i didn't have much of a right to text you what i did at 10.45.
'nother reason would be, what you replied me.
more that what you said, it got me thinking.
yea, what was my problem?
what was my problem?
part of me, at first,
just wanted to say
well don't bother anymore then.
but that's not being fair.
i think a big part of this,
is that right now i do, just feel stupid.
other than that, no
nothing's wrong
i'm fine.
just peachy
- xoxo
charis loves you
10:58 PM
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so today's easter sunday,
filming.
well right now even as we speak i'm getting filmed.
haha
this is kinda fun, i must say
oh i met jasmine, and she didn't recognize me because of my lip piercing
roitte
didn't think i looked that different actually.
well
so spent,
hmm
it's only been about an hour plus,
filmingfilmingfilming
good for mom,
she met old friends.
hahaha
diddums!
so anyway,
this blog post which you've wasted your time reading was typed out simply for filming purposes
gasp! yes! get excited because you've read something that's coming out on teevee!
and oh yes,
this is also me, NOT blogging about my father and a whole bunch of other stuff.
thank you for your time(:
- xoxo
charis loves you
2:41 PM
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Saturday, April 07, 2007
dinner with victor and aidan was lovely,
as was drinks when mummy joined us, at grapevine
topped up with a karaoke session.
oh the embarrassment!
i am horribly, disgustingly tired right now
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARLING AKIRA BABYYYY
too tired to say anymore, sorry.
oh, but i love you
- xoxo
charis loves you
1:28 AM
(0) comments
Friday, April 06, 2007
hello my little darling shithead,
who's actually not at all a shit head,
she's my fucking smart ass beau(:
i miss you<3
SO
1) i'm gonna be on teeeveee for my blog(:
2) i got my lip pierced, finally, at long last
and YES! ann it is boooteeeefoool! absolutely boooteefoool!
3) school was vondafeul. that means wonderful darlings!
so i met some girl my age, who apparently quit school this year as well.
her reasons are completely unknown, perhaps she just grew tired of wearing school uniform
(god knows what makes these kinda people do stuff like that)
she does look a tad bit better compared to the last time i saw her though
i'll admit, it's strange seeing her
what with the tattoos and all.
simply because,
she was the weird, odd one in school
saying hello to random people while we look past her eyes and wonder when she's gonna stop talking.
the geek, good girl just trying to make friends
oh i sound like a bitch, sorry.
i realize a lot of people do a hell lot to try and fit in
it could be to fit in with their clique, or their class
or whatever really
it's unbelievable how many times i have had eyebrows raised in my direction because
i'm straight/bisexual/whatever it is you want to call me, while my bestest best friends swing in a slightly different direction.
really! i mean, okay i won't go into details now.
i think it's sad, when people i know speak lovely english lose it all when they're with their clique because
ah lianXxX language sho kewLx worXxZ
i'm ranting again, i have to shutup
how could you say that?
what, just because i ... ?
i want to do everything i can, so you know how much i love you.
because i really do, with all my heart.
but you're not making it any easier for yourself to believe me,
or for me to believe me either
you're casting such a long shadow of a doubt
and baby, it's just getting so so painful
beyond a shadow of a doubt
as a mighty river flows
as a meadow gently plays
with the wind on summer days
about as deep as deep can go
from the canyons to the sky
like a mother, as she cares
for the baby that she bears
do i love you don't you know by now?
do i love you must i show you how?
do i love you, do i have to say
do i love you, yes in every way
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:31 AM
(0) comments
Thursday, April 05, 2007
and then it will come to that point,
the point we feared the most
just because it's happened to you, and you, it doesn't mean it'll happen to me
we are in self denial
blinded by whatever it is, thinking
"oh i'm so different. oh my love's stronger than yours used to be"
the list could go on forever, really.
but then in the end, we find ourselves in that foreseen predicament
we feel like fucking kicking ourselves
while countless itoldyouso-s scream in our head and through the tears we know find have been running down our faces for a while now
and we think
what if, what if, WHAT IF
what if we stuck to the plan?
what if we didn't make the stupid mistake to begin with?
and then;
what now?
we're little girls again
left crying alone
and we think
i should've just listened to mummy when she said,
don't touch the iron because it's hot.
and after we touched it and got burnt,
and mummy puts cream on it and wraps it up and tells us,
now don't hurt yourself like that anymore, just stay away;
we find ourselves still reaching out to touch that bloody iron,
sticking our hands into boiling water and fascinating ourselves
watching blue fire run over our hands
and then the pain hits us
and we're crying again
we should've just listened
we should've just bloody fucking listened
then it wouldn't hurt so bad
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:33 AM
(0) comments
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
i absolutely cannot,
and i do repeat, cannot stand people who say
"aiya, don't stress about O's LAH. i've been there done that
okay, so it wasn't said to me.
but it still fills me with such extreme annoyance that drives me to the point of ripping out their tiny head and stuffing it up their arse.
and DO YOU KNOW WHY?
because,
O level year is a crucial time for everybody.
everyone knows that prelims(at least in PL) are set doubly hard for everyone,
but it doesn't mean we should study less.
it doesn't make us smart that, because everyone says so,
we know O levels is nothing once we've got it over and done with.
the point is the here and now.
now, we will go through this hard, tough time leading to O levels
and we will not regret
we wouldn't in a million years, ever regret studying too hard for O levels,
because
what we would regret for sure, is not studying hard enough.
so you know what?
don't be a fucking smart alec telling O level takers that it's a piece of cake,
you didn't think so when you were going through that,
and that's probably the only reason why you had decent grades.
see,
i don't mind if people go;
"trust me, it isn't half as bad as they say it is. BUT study hard"
what i cannot stand is people who go
"oh it's nothing"
or worse still,
"aiyah, do badly for o levels, it's okay"
people like that ought to stick their heads in a toilet bowl and flush repeatedly three times.
there was a teacher i had once,
she was waiting for her A level results before she went to uni.
i was secondary three and we started freaking out about our O's in less than two years
DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SAID?!
"Oh trust me, trust me! O levels is nothing okay, absolutely nothing! once you get to A levels, now that's when you start worrying and mugging like crazy. you will have no life. but O levels is nothing"
a year on, now, i think she should die, no.
really.
i'm sure once we're hitting A levels,
she, having experienced the stress of uni would say
"oh trust me, O and now, A levels is nothing! when you get to uni..."
do you see what i mean?
does anyone get what i'm badgering on about?
of course, when you've pulled through something difficult, you'd look back and laugh.
but without a doubt, it was hard and will be for those who have yet to pull through it.
so keep your fucking trap shut.
GOODNIGHT WORLD
:DD
thanks for listening to my raaaaaaaaants.
- xoxo
charis loves you
1:48 AM
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Monday, April 02, 2007
the flash blinds you; but you hold the pose
there's nothing you can do, is there?
until you can see again
androgyne, yes once.
not anymore
i love love love school, just so you know!
you, would refer to those who are even minutely interested in my life enough to come read this blog.
so if you're one of those yous, thank you :D
i read this gorgeous gorgeous book called Taming the Beast by Emily Mcguire.
i realized as a reader, we have an expectation, a want for the story to end a certain way, and if it doesn't, we don't like the book.
that's assuming half the people in singapore my age even run their fingers over a book other than harry potter.
i digress! for once, even though the story turned out far far far off from what i really truly wanted, i loved the ending. because it held truth in it
if you read it, you might just feel the same as i did/do.
of course you might not because you're into not just kinky, painful sex, but you personally think that the emotional as well as physical(and i do mean they nearly killed each other) torture and trauma, is well worth it for love.
ah! l 'mour l 'mour.
the greek gods were bastards to have seperated us from our other half and now we're left wandering the earth in search of our other half.
well, i suppose i could almost believe that, almost believe too that it isn't about common interests and whateverwhateverwhatever.
so,
define other half and while you're at it, define what it is exactly that two people are suppose to share, especially when passion, sex and god forbid, food goes out the window.
define fucking love
how can something so beautiful be so terribly painful?
someone smack the shit out of whoever claims that love is a bed of roses
because even if it is, there're still the thorns.
enough.
i felt that everything the older man put the main character through, was an indication that it was about sex power and a whole bunch of warped shit thrown into it. it couldn't have been love, now could it?and what about the most beautiful mutual love and respect she shared with her best friend? what about that? whywhywhy!
okay, so in the end she chose the torturous biting lunatic who got married four years before she herself was even born. and she, in many ways was responsible for her best friend ending his own life, leaving behind a whole family.
i could've, would've probably, hated the book and tossed it in a corner if not for the last few lines.
"life is full of withering possibilities" blablabla, goes on to say that some of those possibilities are stolen when it is against anything in your power to stop them from leaving. we'd always wonder how things might've ended up.
but then, finally;
The choice we have made, the decision, is hope in iteself.
that's all there is, really.
so i realized, while reading the book, that there's happy endings and sad endings.
usually, more the first rather than the latter.
either ways, there is a picture, a perfect ending we form without quite meaning to, while reading the book.
and we want it to turn out that way. oh, selfish aren't we?
the book is deemed horrid if the ending is too different from what we want.
of course, there's the ending we want, secretly, and the ending we anticipate. if the outcome is too different from either, the book ends up on either end of the spectrum of marvellous and horrible.
i know my sister loooves having heroes killed, and truly, a happily never after. but because that so rarely happens, and if it should it'd be the perfect book/ movie evereverever,
there is the ending she anticipates.
i don't know if stuff ends up like how she anticipates because she usually ends up saying she knew that would happen.
oh my darling fourteen year old sister is utterly turned off and sick to the stomach by now
of those sappy love songs and cheesy love stories.
i'm talking in circles aren't i?
okay, no. i'm just stating what i found out.
i will proceed to shut up about my freshly finished book right about now
in some way or another, you have to make me suffer, even now.
because i havn't paid for my mistake, in your opinion, concious or subconcious.
so i will look, notice, and click something else so that it doesn't sting so much
i know, after all, that nothing i feel can or will ever compare to what i've put you through.
so i will read, flip through the pictures you have of you
and the pictures you have of us, or the lack thereof.
i'll try to figure out why it feels like you're moving on and i have to move on,
even though
everything else proves otherwise
i'll be heading across the road tomowwo because i miss my buu like fuck,
and i don't even know why):
my list of to-do things include,
mailing back the form to Zing or i don't get paid
and erm
handing in registration money for one thing or another.
besides my very hot math tutor, i'd like another because i need like a lot of help with math.
yes see!
i'm working hard okay!
i love the smell of my hair(:
oh randomness has hit me!
i love the minutes, seconds i get to spend with you
and i miss you, all those gaps in between
there must be something stronger than this, holding us tight
but it's not like we could ever let go anyway
it hurts though, having to see you the way the rest of the world does.
on a much much lighter note,
i lost the 1kg which i put on! hooray for me(:
there's so much i can't say.
peeeeektooores!(: