with |ove; me

Monday, April 09, 2007

so i answered the phone crying
i'm sorry,
what more can i say already?
i was hurt so i reacted the way i did and lashed out
but you turn it around and yes,
i admit, i didn't mean those words i said

what i do really think and feel is;
you're better off without me.
because to you, i'm as close to perfect as perfect gets.
though you admit, that there're half a dozen things you'd like to change about me.
you love me, and i know you do.
but you still want to change those little quirks about me that don't fit you,
that you don't like.
you need someone who doesn't bug you,
who doesn't see a problem with you staying up all night playing games,
perhaps even playing those games with you.
you need someone who doesn't pierce or tattoo or cut
someone who's still in a mainstream school gunning for a brilliant future.
a brilliant future preferably in singapore or australia, right where you want to be

on the other hand,
i know i want you. and yes,
i know i need you.
you've offered me more than any girl could ask for.
one could easily think, but then there are those things about you that i seem like i want to change.
like you staying up all night to play computer games
but the truth is,
you wouldn't be who you are if not for those little quirks.
you're perfect, to me because of what and who you are.
i wouldn't be in love with you if i didn't have those minor things to get annoyed about.

but it's different for you, isn't it?
that piercings and tattoos are an increasing thing on me.
so you would say, go ahead and do what makes you happy
but you don't mean it
and then afterwards, it just backfires on me.
then i am torn,
between wanting to close my piercing or whatever, to make you happy
and thinking that if you loved me enough, the piercing wouldn't matter to you.

then just the other day,
when i was full on ready to just close the new piercing,
you got so pissed off!
saying i was closing it for the wrong reasons.
but on the contrary my darling!
because if it made you happy then i'd be happy too.
can't you see that?

i've sworn never to change for anybody or ever give up the things i love
but i do, for you
simply because i'm in love with you
and your happiness means the world to me

there are still everyday things that continue to happen
things that i'm still upset about.
and i can't say a thing about it

then there's last night which spills over to today.
i gripped the bare blade in my hand so tight, just willing it to sink through my skin
i thought, no.
i'd leave it for today.
i really was sorry about all those things i said, you know.
but you've thrown my tears and sorrys back in my face,
of course, bringing up the horrible mistake i made and today
is just nothing
i thought, if we didn't make it past today,
i'd drive that thing ito my wrist.
but you know,
now i really don't know what i'll do.

oh, how i've always hated unrequitted love.
but what if this is something worse?
that i can love you so much
and know, without a doubt, how much you love me too
but yet, at the very same time
know that you can't really want me if there's so much about me that you want to change?

i had/have a little secret for you

- xoxo
charis loves you
12:26 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.