with |ove; me

Monday, April 30, 2007

snap, frozen in bliss

a perfect moment, captured

now blurry, now distant

no more than a dusty memory to pull off the shelf

and

smile at

maybe in the end we won't be together,

maybe in the end it won't work,

not because we don't want it to but because it just can't.

but i'll watch you walk away without a single regret other than those times i made you cry

or when i cried because it wasted the times we could otherwise have spent holding each other.

i'll smile as you turn around and catch my last flying kiss

because,

at the end of the day,

at least we tried. we gave it a shot

and i know for certain that a part of me will always be with you,

and a part of you will definitely always be with me.

it's hard to say as of right now.

i love you so much, i want to spend the rest of my life with you,

crazy as it sounds.

mad, delirious it might seem because we're only so young.

teenagers and too crazy,

too in love that we're just so dizzy.

and it seems impossible, impossible,

that at 16 i could feel that i've found my perfect other half.

it scares mommy, fuck it scares me too.

how will you ever know?

i used to ask myself that since i had to push my father back from the entrance of the flat.

i guess you just do know, in the end.

of course, being a mother of your crazed and very in love daughter,

you'd tell her to take it slow and see the world.

so yes, i know where she's coming from completely.

as i've grown i've somehow managed(finally!) to understand her.

she admits willingly though, that he's the only proper boyfriend that she'd ever ever ever accept.

anyway,

it really scares me sometimes.

like this, like

ohidon'tknow.fuckit.thisisbecomingfuckingshitty.

it's the whole.

i tried to tell you, you know.

what's been happening, what i've been feeling.

but you don't listen.

you're not listening, you're not listening anymore.

instead it becomes a whole

"why're you still with me then" kinda thing.

and i hate myself more.

and i keep feeling like i don't have a right to feel like this.

that's why i can't cry and i can't get upset like this.

gawd it hurts

it really really does, and i can't say it out.

not even to myself.

and maybe you'll read this,

maybe you'll just use it against me again

and then you'll tell me how this, how all this shows that i'm not happy with you.

you might tell me not to love you anymore.

but how can't i?

when i feel like a whole part of me is already yours,

with you.

how can i just drop it and go, i can't love you anymore?

because it's not true.

it's not fucking true.

as much as these incidences and situations are fucking

utter turmoil,

i love you.

and i do want to be with you.

i want to tell you, because other wise i'm just doing what your last girlfriend did.

bottling everything up and then finally i know it'll just all burst and then,

collapse.

and we'll just be ruined and i'd never want that.

You’ve got a charm

You simply dissolve me every time

As long as you try

I’m along for the ride

All the way

I said it before

There wont be a door that’s closed to us

Putting all my trust in you

Cause you, you’ll always be true,

I Never planned, no

This would be,

you and you alone

Now for me

I know you’re the best You’ve past every test

Its almost too good to be true

You’re the perfect man for me

I love you I do

suddenly you're mine,

and it's brighter than sunshine

what a feeling

- xoxo
charis loves you
2:14 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.