alone i was
before your love
when i saw you
i knew my life was touched

i saw your smile
and then i knew
that everything i felt
inside was true

i saw your smile
and then i knew
that i was gonna spend
my life with you


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Saturday, March 31, 2007

huge racking sobs tore through her tiny body,
it hurt so fucking much just to hear her
but despite what she must've felt,
she didn't blame him because
she knew he was hurting too.


why, why is it so hard?
for anybody really.
for her, for them,
for us?


i give up


indulge me while i spill random thoughts off the top of my head


shaking, and yes, reality was a complete blur
maybe it was what i thought it was,
but i'm going to stop thinking.
it scares me too much, replaying the moments
it was love, in the end wasn't it now?


everything hurts, like it did just a few days ago.
like a sunburn, i wince at the mere touch
it's raw and painful,
it must be for you too i suppose
but i'm talking about something else here


everything, everything.
"you know i only deleted one right? i couldn't do any more than that"
but then
they're all gone now, and you say you did that some time back
that hurts
but i hurt you too and this would be a pinprick really,
compared to what i've put you through
and then
there's
everything, everything else
the profile, the words left unchanged
the status maybe?
but i'm not in it for that
i should stop being so skin deep and superficial
am i just being superficial?
it hurts, it all hurts


but shh, i can't say anything. i won't.


trapped in that minute,
frozen.
this, this can't be
happening
ice. shatter. scream. blade.
i could just, just reach out a little
fear. cold, painful fear.
i cried out;
"My God my God, why hath thou forsaken me?"
i knew the answer,
i think
safe. safe.safe.
but
i couldn't get what was happening.
couldn't get out of it.
i could hold him, hold him tight
and drive that blade into my wrist
so that, so that i just might
bleed upon him
but i didn't, i couldn't
i believed and i trusted.
today,
a part of me died
and a part of me,
was taken away.
but maybe, just maybe
i gave it away myself.
that scares me most.



i've got filming tomorrow and i'm like not freaking sleeping yet.
i really ought to go off, really.


night world, sorry you don't understand a word i've written.

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:47 AM

(0) comments

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

- xoxo
charis loves you
11:03 AM

(0) comments

Sunday, March 25, 2007

too alarming now to talk it out,
take your pictures down and shake it out.
truth or consequence, say it aloud
use that evidence and race it around.

well, what can i say?

i tried, i did.
i'm not starting to shop around,
in fact, as much as i don't want to,
i'm still freaking hanging on and waiting.

but oh,
i know i shouldn't

after all,
you made it so very clear

i'll return your deposit though
since you've said your piece
and even though i know it's crazy hard for you,
it's the same for me.

i'd probably take off your ring too,
like wearing it on the opposite finger isn't enough!
but for this while, until i can,
i'll keep it on
because i do love you, you know.

i'll wait it out,
and i'll try to last.

but oh anyways,
she likes you, i can tell.
we always seem to notice who's eyeing the person we're in love with.
but anyway,
i'm sure she hates me and if you've told her,
she probably hates me more.

if we make it through,
and you end up dating her while we settle for being friends,
i'll tell you i told you so

for now,
i'll try to pull through this, just like you will have to.
it's harsh and painful,
but it's better than going on.
and you know, you did say that we should move on.

oh but i love you

- xoxo
charis loves you
10:37 PM

(0) comments

Saturday, March 24, 2007

there will come a time where pictures you've kept locked in your treasure box will crumble between your fingers when you take them out.
memories will fade and get blurry, as will those remaining pictures which havn't yet disintergrated.
you will shake uncontrollably, whether from parkinson's diesease or being overwhelmed with emotion, as you run your fingers across familiar young smiling faces
and you will cry when it hits you like a punch in the stomach,
that you're so far away from the people you love so much.



"some parents hold their children too tight, the child can hardly breathe"
-quoted from skins


well that applies with us too i suppose, friends, girlfriends or boyfriends.
when we hold on too tight, when we try too hard to want to be close,
it just seems to repel us.


there will come a time in our lives, when we would give the world to be young again.
to go through the pain, and the sorrow but knowing we'd get to experience the joy as well.
when that time comes,
we will feel that all the pain and the sorrow and the hurt will be worth it,
cos Lord knows, you ain't felt pain til you've been through childbirth
and you don't know what hurt and sorrow is until your baby looks you in the eye and tells you she hates you.


we will come to that point in our lives where we will feel, and probably rightly so, that the suspension from school, the picking on from annoying teachers and the world-changing break up is so much more bearable compared to what we've had to go through since then.


we will come to that point in our lives, where we will realize how important those memories are, because they're all that's left of those wonderful times and even they, are growing dim.
we will reach that fragile stage, where our children wave goodbye as they pull out of the driveway in their cars filled with their children; our grandchildren
and our tea grows cold, by the time we've settled down to drink it.


and when that time comes, when that point in our lives arrive,
we can only wish so desperately to be back in the most horrible situation we were in as a child or as a teenager,
because it seems infinitely better,
and it probably is, mind you



we will try to grip onto what's left of what we can remember,
photos we randomly snapped one after the other in the dressing room,
at the mrt station and especially, most especially, in the toilet.
we will imagine the drunk (and the notso-drunk) girl kisses,
we will try and try to relive the moment but fail to do anything more than bring it to memory.


of course, this is all easy to say when you're imagining yourself looking back on now.
oh but of course! it doesn't look so bad when you think about what you would have already been through in fifty years time.
but once you've come back from the future,
honey, we're still here in the ohsorightnow.
and honestly, it sucks like a fucking bitch


it's not that it can't be handled or dealt with, or anything of the sort.
there're friends, wonderful darlings who i swear i could never ever live without,
much less imagine life without


all the same,
in this time, place, situation.
in this now
it's painful, having to live with my mistake and (coincidentally)
everytime i feel i might just stop punishing myself,
you take that away
and you, you make me hate myself all over again.


i talked it over with two, three people who listened and gave advice worth listening to.
talked it over and thought.
because you know, i havn't been able to fucking sleep properly
because you know, i'm paying for my mistake
maybe you don't know that, come to think of it


at first, i thought that we'd just take some time off completely,
from one another
then after that i thought,
i loved you too much to be with you because of the possibility of hurting you again.
and i stuck with that
until this afternoon


she said, that as fluffy and fantastical as these kind of things get, she believed she could see us together
"there's always that give it a shot thing"


you used to tell me that too, do you remember?


it's amazing how confusing your signals get
"you should tell him"
well i told you, ruins the moment but hell, i did it
perhaps to have the only truth i might not have heard otherwise


you're right, you're so right.
darling you didn't deserve what i did to you
and i'll never be able to tell you how sorry i am.


but you know,
against all advice,
i have begged, crawled, grovelled.
i made a mistake and i'm sorry.
it's not that i'm forgiving myself a lot easier than the people around me can forgive me.
rather,
i have tried.
i decided that i had to, because i was truly sorry,
and you really did and still do, mean that much.
you told me to wait, so i waited.
told me to hold on, i did.
wait indefinitely.


but you see,
this isn't waiting indefinitely.
you strung me along,
to tell me through a blog post that you can never and will never trust me again.
for the two weeks,
you were freezingly cold to me on the phone
but you kiss me when we meet and you hug me and hold me tight.
you tell me that you still love me and you don't want to lose me,
but when you look away and talk to me,
the hate and spite seeps through your words and you,
become someone other than the person who kissed me not more than a few minutes ago.



when i hated myself too much to feel i deserved a birthday celebration,
you told me otherwise
said i was being silly.
but then, when i start trying to get past my mistake,
when i decided i might just stop hating myself,
your bring it all up again, throw it all in my face
"remember what you did? you hurt me"
is what your every single word seems to scream at me.


and only after what charlene said, and what vicky said do i realize;
yes, you didn't deserve what i did to you.
i'm am so, ever so sorry.
but i don't deserve what you've done to me either.
because, i am still human.
so fallen, and having made the mistake of my life, feeling like i shouldnt really live anymore.
and i can hate myself and punish myself,
and come round to forgiving myself and moving on from my mistake.
but i don't deserve the emotional, psychological rollar coaster ride you've taken me on.


i still hate myself for what i did to you?
and you might hold this over me for as long as you will,
and i'd probably let you.
but what you've done now,
just.
oh so suddenly


nothing sparked it


and we've struggled through this fortnight,
though it's felt like two decades
and suddenly, you pull the brakes on the rollar coaster,
just as we're on the upward slope
oh almost there
but you wouldn't be you if you didn't, my darling.


like i said, you will always be special,
so fucking special
and one of a kind.
no one could make me happy like you did, and no one could make me cry like you have either.


maybe you'll say the same for me.
and even though it won't mean anything to you,
i'm sorry, truly i am.
i'd give the world to have you not feel so much hurt
because even though my actions contradicted every single i love you that i have ever said,
and even though i shattered those two years and all the most beautiful moments we've ever shared,
i love you.
with all my heart
and i know nothing i ever do will ever make up for that,
nothing i do will ever make you trust me again.
you bet your life on that already.



so even though it wasn't on my list of possible paths to take,
now we will have to move on, let go of each other.
now, we take our last bows and say goodnight and goodbye



all i wanna do is find a way back into love
i think we have to find our way out first



there will come a point in time, where we will sit on the swing on the patio,
and as it creaks, we will wonder what we could've have been and where we would be now.
there will come that breaking moment in our life, when we will look at those old photographs which we've hidden from ourselves, placed together with those random letters we thought were lost over the years of moving and shifting.
and when that moment comes, we will cry.
and run our shaky fingers over the words written in an old lover's hand, on a page yellowed with age and stained with years of heartache.
we will trace the photograph of the familiar smile which brought such weakness to our knees,
and butterflies to our tummies.
but we will smile, at the memory and the whiff of youth it brings.

- xoxo
charis loves you
4:57 AM

(0) comments

Friday, March 23, 2007

i was wrong,
i admit it
wo qiu ni hui lai

i'm so sorry,
please forgive
please come back to me

fuck it,
it had to come up

i need to shut up, stop crying,
the works

thank you baby beegay,
for coming over for lunch.
i lubch you so much, you're so fucking special(:
she gets told that a lot i'll bet.

- xoxo
charis loves you
4:27 PM

(0) comments

Thursday, March 22, 2007

- xoxo
charis loves you
8:47 PM

(0) comments

oh, where do i begin? to tell the story of how great a love can be.
the great love story that is older than the sea.
where do i start?
with his first hello, he brought a meaning to this empty world of mine, oh yes he really did.
and there'd never be another love, another time.
because, he came into my life and made the living fine.
he did, and still does, fill my heart



let's run away together

- xoxo
charis loves you
12:19 PM

(0) comments

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:45 AM

(0) comments

i should go jogging.
but i'm not
and i'm fucking tired and my feet hurt.
i need more fabric for my skirt
i shopped today and i'm actually very happy
i'm having gastric right now and it hurts like a bitch
i bought these cute sandals
and
andandand
i want you

anyway
i've tidied up my multiply site
(i didnt know we could pick out layouts!oh too cool!)
SO
you guys should go check it out.
it just takes a couple of clicks,
1) click on the world tab
2) scroll down
3) scroll PAST the archives and click on picture perfect
4) there isn't a step four because
TAAA DAAA you're there(:

it's got pictures, music, EVERYTHING
videos, stupid ones like vicky looking homeless and ann looking,
well ann na-ish in a box
on top of all that,
my oh so beautiful multiply site is linked to this blog
so you can read my blog posts from there

for people like VICKY
who never fail to emphasize how she hates the font size on my blog,
it would suit fine because the font there is bigger, blablabla all that jazz

i really love it, i think it's sooo me
and it'll be weird okay, reading this post FROM that site.
this entry should be disregarded!
mmhmm

even though i loooove this blog,
it would just make more sense to, you know,
just link the other since it's got everything else up there.
but see, this blog, you know,
being linked to that one and all, obviously has to be kept open.

so i blog using blogger,
and then the post comes out in two seperate
(AND BOTH SO VERY BEAUTIFUL)
web pages

oh joy!

PLUS
that one displays the title of my posts
and you know,
i always have SUCH nice titles which no one ever gets to see.

SO
enjoy the multiply site.

i'll be on tv acting as an ah lian!
the wonderfullness of it all

oh yes, what a bit of news and ohso all over the place!

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:01 AM

(0) comments

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

- xoxo
charis loves you
11:27 AM

(0) comments

Monday, March 19, 2007

i wrote the words i love you in the sand, and it didn't blow away

i think, to say that life doesn't go as planned would be too much of a fucking understatement.

life, is basically the shit that's thrown at you.

well, there's good and there's bad shit
but when it gets too good,
it won't last.

way to be depressive after a wonderful weekend, i'm sorry.

my weekend birthday celebration(s) were absolutely amaaaaazing.
thank you, every single one of you for what you did, especially since i cancelled my party plans shiate out at the last minute

Mommie: i think she did the most work, what with planning with baby veekoo one night, and then everyone else the following night.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THAAAANK YOU

Baby sister: For getting told off like crazy, especially sunday when you got the rap for us being late and then after that round two from daddy simply because you knew.
i looove you. THANK YOU(:

Alastair: For being there, for trying to convince me that i deserve to celebrate my birthday.
for the gorgeous brownie-cake
for talking to me at all, really
Thank you, and i love you, i always will

bestest friend in thee whole world:
so i heard you planned sunday(:
you don't know how much it meant to me hon, really. with everything i've put you through, i hardly think i deserved all that. i'm so sorry i ended up late):
thank you thank you thaaaaank you, so so SO much.
i love you(:

baby buu: Thanks for coming down to church, it meant a lot. especially the elaborate planning, thanks for the widdle penguin(it's name is vickooo)
i love love love love loooove it, and you of course(: thank you

baby buu's twat: it must've absolutely killed you to be in a church, so thanks for just being there(: as well as afterwards of course

eme baby: you're a daaaaarling! i saw you BOTH on saturday as well as sunday!
thank you sweetheart, i love you

Zoe: OMG you came all the way from bishan. and it's not exactly like next door you know.
thank you for being there, i'm sorry we didnt get to spend more time together but thanks for coming all the same(:

Anni baby: i'm sorry for disappointing you. i love you, thank you and you're a bitch for smashing cake into my face. haha.
wub you muchos muchos

Daryl: whooo! the second time we've met already! haha
thank you for being there, and for hiding in my room and for like waiting for an hour. i'm sorry):
but thank you(:

Daddy & Stepmom: i loooved the birthday lunch, it was fabulous. made better of course with the amazing cake you guys bought as well as having practically the whole restaurant sing me happy birthday. after which, working off lunch with shopping. haha. i love(:
thank you(:

hmm. who else! haha

Derek, Donna, Joel(i think that's his name), Mason:
for hanging out with us at roomful of blues all night and having to sit through my very drunk and gross rendition of Above All
i'll never live it down, i swear.

Paddykins darling: for being so worried about me(: i love you

Ainsley honey: for walking that ohsolong ten minute walk from the club to pick me up,
and then looking after my handbag for me(: haha
most of all, for offering to spend with me what was planned to be an all-to-myself birthday
though i don't see how that would've been possible considering your night out. haha.
but thank you all the same(:

everyone else:
for birthday wishes and regards.
thank you(:

i've had three birthday cakes, a brownie cake and a birthday sundae
made my wishes, and i'm guessing that everyone probably knows what that wish is.
and of course, how it's not ever going to come true.

but a girl can wish, and hope can't she?

my birthday was a mass of tears, surprise and fun
as much as i enjoyed myself, loving every other minute of it, i couldn't help thinking of the horrible reality of it.
i'm sixteen, made the biggest mistake of my life and because of that well, i needn't say more do i?
but it's painful, how i could be held and hugged but at the end of the day,
the decision, the "only thing that can be done now" still remains the same.

you'll never forget, i won't ever forget. and that's what's painful.
you can try, yes.
you asked me to wait, and that's all i'm doing now.
feeling this need to tell you my coming and going, my whereabouts at any given moment
i fully understand your suspicions, the endless questions that keep echoing in your head and i'm living with it.
then for you to say that you know how you'll never be happy with me
it's quite a different story altogether
painful reality check when i've thought that even if it takes forever, i'm still waiting.

the truth of the matter is, and you should say it too,
that we won't be together again.
i hate thinking that, i didn't want to.
you asked me to wait, so i waited
but at the end of the day, you still feel that what i've done comes between us.
and that the only way is for you to forget it, and in doing that, you have to get over me.
you're not wrong for thinking that, and you might get over me
but i don't think you'll ever forget.
so if you're asking me to wait for you to forget, and get over me and fall in love with me all over again,
you might as well just.

i can't say it,
you know i can't and i don't want to.

pathetic isn't it?
after all this ranting and raving that i can't even say what's staring us both in the face
i want to wait,
i want to wait for you.
but you'll never forget, and if you even want to try,
we have to, you have to,
let go and move on.

i can't go back to where i used to be

let go and move on,
we tell each other that
say we shouldn't talk to each other so much,
let the other get on with life

yet as far as i can tell,
both of us can't really do that can we?

we know what we have to do and yet,
we don't want to.
i don't want to let you go, can you let go of me?

i wrote "i [heart] you" in the sand, it didn't blow away.
it's still there, would you like to take my hand, we can walk down that road again.
go back to the beach again, to that same special place and look for those words.
cos even after the sea water's washed over it, somehow i think the sand's been stained with those words i wrote.
those words i wrote, for you

- xoxo
charis loves you
10:17 AM

(0) comments

Saturday, March 17, 2007

morning charis,
wonderful day and you should be happy!

morning charis,
you wouldn't be in the shit you're in now if not for...
don't you dare give me that attitude

morning charis,
what are you doing today?
oh well don't let me stand in your way
Lord knows why you're all depressive on your birthday
you should tidy up your room

morning charis,
you doing anything today?
call me if you'd like company




i just heard about a couple,
completely devoted to one another
and they're evil conivig thieves
and i think it's absolutely beautiful
even if they're on the run for all their lives,
at least they're together you see.




anyway,
i absolutely loooooooved
last night's supper, filled with their tiny surprises
so thank you thank you thank you.
i absolutely love you, i do
oh the makedo brownie birthday cake was gorgeous



anyway,
so much for playing down my birthday,
vicky and ann (in collaboration with mommy)
are just absolute darlings
we go speseeoooh place tonight(:

happy birthday, sweet sixteen

- xoxo
charis loves you
10:43 AM

(0) comments

Thursday, March 15, 2007

i could feel you right there,
so close, inside me



they say the problem with giving your heart to someone is that,
you never do get your heart back.
a part of you will always be left with that other person;
a mark, a scar, whatever you choose to name it.
evidence of a hadbeens and usedtobes



when you say "oh that'll never happen"
you can't really say that and mean it, because you never know.
"we'll never not be friends"
well you don't know that now do you?
"i'll never leave you,"
well, we can't say that either now can we?



i took great care to make sure that when i said something like that,
it had depth in it.
of course, just one of my statements has backfired and proved me wrong
but believe me,
everything else hasn't



like when i said,
"i'll never love another like i loved you"
i know that for sure, because you were so special to me.
"there'll never be anyone like you"
that much is true too because you can find your mr perfect and know that you've lost him,
or you're losing him

"it won't happen again"
how can i promise you it won't?
a one time mistake was all it was and i've been burnt enough to know.
i won't ever ever let it happen again,
and we are all capable of controlling these things.
like when i said
"i'll never go clubbing again without you"
i havn't, unless it's a non-alcholic party and you know about it




just give me one more try for the sake of our love,
just give me one more chance, cos i can't give you up.
can't have one more day without you in my life
i can never find another boy like you

please?

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:47 PM

(0) comments

and there is no question about, being happy anymore
it's all over now
old films speak volumes and at oh such just-right times

"she's pregnant," you told me
i didn't have the heart to remind you that i had been there watching the scene unfold
i heard her quiet voice, heard it build into hysteria as she asked what you both were to do now.
felt your frustration as you forgot that i was there

i walked away, crying
"she's pregnant," you told me, and you turned to leave
"it's alright" i was saying through my tears,
"we'll pull through, it'll be okay"
you shot me a confused look, before saying
"what? i don't want to stay with you. i love her, i'm not staying.
on top of that, she's pregnant."

for a full moment, i guess
as consciousness seeped into my dreams, i grasped the feelings you felt that night when i told you.
oh the hurt and the heartbreak,
but even more to a certain extent!
as far as i can feel in what is nothing more than my dream of course
because,
because you didn't want to be with me anymore
and you left

but oh, it just can't possibly be

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:26 PM

(0) comments

- xoxo
charis loves you
12:27 AM

(0) comments

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

jude and i;
i look shitty but he looks better in this picture. he's fourteen

meet louisa, quiet and shy for like the first ten minutes of meeting her
she's 16

pictures, as promised.

she took my testimonials down
perhaps it started getting too painful for her

i can't blame anyone but myself,
and no one believes me anymore

another 2.5km today and yes, it felt good.
nice, refreshing and my body's aching like crazy

enough small talk, i need to get a life,
i'm fucking loserish now

i miss my cousins):
even though we only knew each other for two days
they bought us famous amos and chocolates,
Louisa said she chose em herself!
i know, she's a darling(:

- xoxo
charis loves you
11:23 PM

(0) comments

i spent fucking two hours on a post and lost it
fuck

you honestly dont know how pissed off i am because it had a lot of fucking emotions poured out into it

FUCK

- xoxo
charis loves you
5:30 PM

(0) comments

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

- xoxo
charis loves you
11:52 PM

(0) comments

and those time are
slippin out of reach
and those times are
blurry i can't see

and i miss them,
but they ain't coming back to me

oh joy,
my life couldn't get any better

i'm gonna go running later,
it's been a great outlet
i did 2.5km last night and already my legs are aching

bet you never woulda thought charis went running
haha

anyway,
today was great, before the news hit me

spent lunch with my cousins from malaysia, my dad's side.
had dinner with them last night too

i know i know, i don't really talk about my cousins.
haha
but i've got lots of them all over the place to be honest

as usual, the parents remember the times we ran around half naked with each other in the courtyard(they've got pictures and videos!)
but on the other hand,
both of us don't remember that

it's quite cute,
we're the same age, Louisa and i
and Jude and Janice are the same age
hung out at tm while our mothers caught up on the years they lost

took neoprints
jude's glasses got crushed, like ohmygawd

today was pretty much it.
my sister's broken out in like crazy rashes and i have to take her to the doctors

i havn't got my sweet sixteen party planned out so i might just do whatever it was i was planning on doing by myself

i'm getting pissed off and restless now,
i'm done crying
everything's so painful that it's numb, so numb

you'll never let me forget. you'll never ever let me forget.
you'll always make me pay for it, and maybe i deserve that

those moments, barely under my fingertips

- xoxo
charis loves you
10:28 PM

(0) comments

the person who filled out this questionaire before me did a bad job
i think if you're gonna waste a couple of minutes of your life doing something like this,
then at least give proper answers

anyway,
just for the heck of it



Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
yes i would

How many boyfriend(s)/girlfriend(s)have told you that they loved you?
well only two of them were my boyfriends

Have you ever thought that you were going to marry a person?
i still do, or am hoping to

Are you crushing on someone?
oh, big time. it's not quite a crush though

Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?
fuck yes

Have you ever made yourboyfriend/girlfriend cry?
yea i have, and hated myself for it

Are you happier being single or in a relationship?
as much as i embrace freedom, there's just one person i want to be in a relationship with

Have you ever told someone you loved them and didn't mean it?
no

Have you ever had your heart broken?
hell yea

Have you ever broken someone's heart?
yea

Talked to any of your ex(s)?
yeap

If you could go back in time and change thing(s), would you?
fuck yes

Think any of your ex(s) feel the same?
i guess he does. except i hate calling him an ex right now

Do you believe that you are a goodboyfriend/girlfriend?
honestly? no

Have you dated people who were not good to you?
yea, kinda

Have you been in an abusive relationship?
well, let's define abuse shall we?

Do you believe in second chances?
uh huh

Do you believe in love at first sight?
i believe in chemistry and that people can click within the first few minutes.
that's as close to "love at first sight" as you get

Ever been given an engagement ring?
ho

Do you want to get married?
'course

Has anyone ever told you they wanted to marry you?
yea

Ever liked someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend?
no

Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds?
oh of course not,
it's far worse

like i said, just for the heck of it.

- xoxo
charis loves you
10:17 PM

(0) comments

Monday, March 12, 2007

quote;"and i mean, c'mon. i know alastair would never fucking do that okay."
unquote

baby you're all that i want,
when you're lying here in my arms
i'm finding it hard to believe
we're in heaven

love is all that i need
and i found it there in your heart
it isn't hard to see
we're in heaven

but, what's holding us back now?
no, don't answer that

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:02 AM

(0) comments

Sunday, March 11, 2007

- xoxo
charis loves you
10:50 PM

(0) comments

Once you hit the ground,
the only way you got left is up
and so, it's a long climb
but there you have it

oh yes,
caused by my very own stupidity
and i deserve everything i've had to go through
but it'll never compare

anyway,
had lunch with veeektor today
and
yes, it was a great lunch
good food and the best heart to heart talk i've had in ages
i needed someone to talk to in length i guess
needed some substantial advice
even though the stuff he says clearly show his lack of faith in the human race
haha

and well yea

it meant a hell lot

SO
it's sunday morning, 2.40am
and i didnt get a call on friday
SO
i really don't know what it means
or if i'm starting school coming monday
SO
God, please help me because i'm starting to freak out here
BUT
i might have myself good news about my art(grin)
AND
about my sweet sixteen which i decided, only today to have again (double grin)
now, what i had planned to do on my sweet sixteen(when i decided i didnt deserve a party, which i still dont to be honest)
is for me to know and deeply consider if my party plan fails
(hint: i'll be alone!)


i'll contact you guys, someway somehow

anyway
church was great today
kinda felt like a spiritual version of my meeting with alastair on friday
wonderfulwonderfulwonderful

got pissed after church
and spilled a whole buncha stuff out to jo
which really helped to be honest
and now,

here i am
so many unsaid words
you might be dying to hear
but no,
not now

believe me darling, will you? oh please, believe me

here i am
once again
i call out to You
for i know that You hear
every cry
You are listening
no matter what state
my heart is in
You are faithful,
to answer
with love that is true
and a hope that is real
as i feel
Your touch
You bring a freedom
to all that's within
in the safety of this place

i'm longing to
pour out my heart
to say that I love You
pour out my heart
to say that i need You
pour out my heart
to say that i'm thankful
pour out my heart
to say that You're wonderful

i havn't said this for a while,
but you know,
God, You're wonderful(:

my appetite's gone beserk
i can't eat a lot, and i feel like throwing up when i taste oil or
erm
some kind of foods for that matter
like they stay on my lips, freeze
and i feel my body already rejecting it and the thought of consuming anything
suddenly seems disgusting

last night i had dinner though
and today, lunch
and after church
a whole bunch of oily stuff

so don't worry
i'm not gonna end up with anorexia or anything

never should've,
how could i and hurt you so?
i'm here, please hold me
i want you
i'm so sorry

will you?
ever
forgive
me?


pictureless post, you might notice
well the pretty picture's gone in my life too
suffer with me for a moment
though you won't feel half the pain,
but then, you didn't do what i did, did you?

- xoxo
charis loves you
2:32 AM

(0) comments

Thursday, March 08, 2007

It can happen to
Anyone of us, anyone you think of
Anyone can fall
Anyone can hurt someone they love
Hearts will break
'Cause I made a stupid mistake
It can happen to
Anyone of us, say you will forgive me
Anyone can fail
Say you will believe me
I can't take my heart will break
'Cause I made a stupid mistake
A stupid mistake

A stupid mistake
he means nothing to me
I swear every word is true
don't wanna lose you



but we weren't just anyone though
feeble excuses,
and all i can say is how sorry i really really am

- xoxo
charis loves you
11:31 PM

(0) comments

Hello, darlin', nice to see you
It's been a long time
You're just as handsome as you used to be

How's your new love? Are you happy?
Hope you're doin' fine
Just to know means so much to me

What's that, darlin? "How'm I doin'?"
Guess I'm doin' all right
Except I can't sleep and I cry all night till dawn
What I'm trying to say is "I love you and I miss you"
"And I'm so sorry that I did you wrong"

Look up, darlin', let me kiss you
Just for old time's sake
Let me hold you in my arms one more time

Thank you, darlin', may God bless you
And may each step you take
Bring you closer to the thing you seek to find

Goodbye, darlin', gotta go now
Gotta try to find a way
To lose these mem'ries of a love so warm and true
And if you should ever find it in your heart to forgive me
Come back, darlin',
I'll be waiting for you

They all ask me how,
how could i?

i don't have an answer,
i just know,
that i hurt so deeply, one of the people i love most

The only man i've felt loved and cared about me,
the only man i've loved this much.

i'm sorry,
i'm so so sorry.

Yet i know that my sorrys will never, in a lifetime,
be enough.
never

as much as i know i don't deserve it,
i can't help wanting you,
to still want me back

goodbye darling,
gotta go now.

gotta try and find a way, to lose these memories
of a love, so warm and true

and if you should ever find it in your heart to
forgive me
come back darling, i'll be waiting for you

- xoxo
charis loves you
10:08 AM

(0) comments

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

i would give the world,
to have us back the way we were

the world,
to take away all your tears and hurt

there can never be a reason for this kinda thing,
for someone so intolerable of these kind of spineless, reasonless decisions,
it's safe to say, that yes, i do quite hate myself

there's so much i could say,
in feeble attempts to excuse my sorry self
so many reasons i could almost make myself believe
but i won't do that, no i won't
because there isn't a point in doing that

why should i pretty up something that is so ugly,
i couldn't face it myself
why carry on a lie?

there's a million other ways i could've handled this

for one,
couldn't i have just feigned ignorance?
or maybe lie a little

i didn't though,
because i loved you enough to need you to know

i'm sorry i ruined everything,
i'm sorry i ruined us

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:44 PM

(0) comments

Sunday, March 04, 2007

- xoxo
charis loves you
12:22 AM

(0) comments

Friday, March 02, 2007

- xoxo
charis loves you
6:03 PM

(0) comments

Thursday, March 01, 2007

you're amazing
and i loved every second we spent together



startover startover



tomorrow's the test day
it's math and engreeeech


and omg
i suck at math
HOWHOWHOW


she's telling me the ifs,
the most likelys,
feels a fuck lot like she's saying,
prep yourself not to do well




it ended when i lost your love
which i havn't, right?

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:39 AM

(0) comments

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peeeeektooores!(:

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.