with |ove; me

Friday, March 02, 2007

so i was flipping through friendster
you know, like i usually do
aaand well. i started thinking about times with the musical cast

and the time now

it is rather sad i suppose,

that we're not all as close as before

and that so many things have happened since

especially where the teachers come in you know,

we were really close

maybe i let them down in some way

maybe

maybe with these kinda things, productions,

you're supposed to love and hug and promise to keep close but in reality

one's supposed to forget anything ever existed

i'm a different girl from the one who did the musical

i have a feeling, the one who did the musical is the mysterious girl alastair fell in love with

a part of me which faded as i grew older,

a part of me which eroded with harsh comments and slight unfair treatment

of course, coupled with my love for body modification which grew with each piercing i got.

a part of me which is probably still inside, to be very honest

trusting, loving, caring, bulimic (i'm kidding! HAHA)

but no, really.

it's just you know,

as i spent more time with school, i changed to be someone who was more guarded

unwilling to ever be vulnerable again

i stopped being so trusting and though i do still care for many people,

there's something just a bit different

a big part of me has gone

"what the hell"

and that's my biggest change i guess

of course inside, i'm still pretty much the same

it's just the more "heck everything" i become,

the more i get pierced and tattooed

one thing i must make clear,

is that i absolutely love body modification

the me in the musical loved body mods too,

it's just that i would take special care to ensure that whatever tattoos or

piercings i got, it would be very well hidden to avoid getting into any trouble with the school.

in fact, i would even go to the extent of just not getting the piercing if it would be in too obvious a place

ie; my lip/eyebrow

but guess what now?

it's not just that the more you pierce the more you figure out ways to hide the piercings,

it's that

i couldn't really care anymore

i think that small part of me which died,

is rather a shame

but what's worse, i feel,

is the reason why i became the person i am today

without a doubt,

it's thankyouverymuch school

i think back you know,

to all the times we spent stealing mrs tan's shoes

to the hours i spent with clara singing and singing and singing

i think about the pressure that was put on me to be a role model

and i remember clearly,

how no matter how hard i tried,

it wasn't quite enough

i remember how painful it got,

and how i realized how one has to let go of these people you hold so close,

so dear to you

guess that's why it wasnt half as painful after ACSI's The Birds

of course, there are always those you keep close to,

like from The Father's Hand:

clara

let, steff and nat to a certain extent

and mrs tan

or from the birds:

ivan, asher

oh wells

i can't say i regret what i've become

i just feel,

you know parents talk about influences and how they make you who you are

yea well

guess what the school made me into

hell, i can't wait to get out.
hopefully sooner than expected

secondary school made me grow up,

it built up the walls around people like me

school gave me an honest preview of the hell hole the real world is

- xoxo
charis loves you
6:03 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.