with |ove; me

Saturday, March 31, 2007

huge racking sobs tore through her tiny body,
it hurt so fucking much just to hear her
but despite what she must've felt,
she didn't blame him because
she knew he was hurting too.

why, why is it so hard?
for anybody really.
for her, for them,
for us?

i give up

indulge me while i spill random thoughts off the top of my head

shaking, and yes, reality was a complete blur
maybe it was what i thought it was,
but i'm going to stop thinking.
it scares me too much, replaying the moments
it was love, in the end wasn't it now?

everything hurts, like it did just a few days ago.
like a sunburn, i wince at the mere touch
it's raw and painful,
it must be for you too i suppose
but i'm talking about something else here

everything, everything.
"you know i only deleted one right? i couldn't do any more than that"
but then
they're all gone now, and you say you did that some time back
that hurts
but i hurt you too and this would be a pinprick really,
compared to what i've put you through
and then
there's
everything, everything else
the profile, the words left unchanged
the status maybe?
but i'm not in it for that
i should stop being so skin deep and superficial
am i just being superficial?
it hurts, it all hurts

but shh, i can't say anything. i won't.

trapped in that minute,
frozen.
this, this can't be
happening
ice. shatter. scream. blade.
i could just, just reach out a little
fear. cold, painful fear.
i cried out;
"My God my God, why hath thou forsaken me?"
i knew the answer,
i think
safe. safe.safe.
but
i couldn't get what was happening.
couldn't get out of it.
i could hold him, hold him tight
and drive that blade into my wrist
so that, so that i just might
bleed upon him
but i didn't, i couldn't
i believed and i trusted.
today,
a part of me died
and a part of me,
was taken away.
but maybe, just maybe
i gave it away myself.
that scares me most.

i've got filming tomorrow and i'm like not freaking sleeping yet.
i really ought to go off, really.

night world, sorry you don't understand a word i've written.

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:47 AM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.