with |ove; me

Sunday, March 11, 2007

i need you like water,

like breath,

like rain

i need you like mercy from heaven's gates

there's a freedom in your arms

that carries me through

i need you

cause i feel so safe with you

that you could say that, mean it with all your heart

and in the end

i changed that

no sorrys will ever in a million years express how sorry i really am

in the end,

you gave me the safety i craved

and i took yours away

you'll always throw it back at me,

every chance you get

and i need to let you do that because i deserve it

Yet at the very same time,

i need to let go

i know i was wrong,

i'm sorry

and i need to stop hating myself

i need to acknowledge the folly of it all and leave it behind

you might think that it's a million times harder for you than it is for me

well it's not

it's painful for you

and as much as i dont want to admit it,

it's just as bad for me

because i've just hated myself so much for what i've done.

okay,

so now we all know don't we?

i hurt the four people that's made the biggest impact on my life

define love;

"do you love me?"

and how can i tell you that now,

after all that i've done

there's nothing i can tell you,

i cannot make you believe

like i can't make alastair believe

i love you,

both of you,

each in different ways,

but with all my heart

and without a single doubt

don't you see how much you mean to me?

why does everything i do,

at least right now,

just seem to contradict that?

won't you believe me?

i'm desperate for answers now

i'm searching, clawing at each possibility of an answer

for anything, and for everything

for my actions

and my reactions

"will you be with me?" i had asked

because with my world crashing around me and the debris catching my hair

i just needed someone

i know i do

i asked, i asked you but you said that as much as you'd be here for me,

you had to let go of me

as much wrong as i've done,

i'll admit now

how much i need someone to just

just be with me right now,

on my climb back up,

journey of self discovery,

as well as this new world i seem to be stepping into with the new school and whatnot

i really do need someone

except,

i pushed away,

the one person who loved me so much,

and who i loved

more than anything or anyone else in the world

undeserved as it is,

i need someone to just,

be with me as i try

as i try again

"yes, but there're parts where i can't"

and i know that.

but somehow it's not quite enough

because if it were you,

you'd tell me

"i've never not been with you have i?"

and i'd know

that the world is just,

the right way up, round like i once knew it to be

and the moon

isn't square

right now,

i've disappointed so many people

and i've got to, just got to

tell you, show you,

just how much i love you

tell you how sorry i am for everything that's happened

ask you, beg you,

to just

believe me

and well,

for now,

i have to bear with the silence which rings in my ears

watch the silent films which keep playing over and over and fucking over again in my head

replay my mistake and ask why i did what i did

how i could do it

no, i won't get over it just yet

and i don't expect you to so soon either

somehow i get a feeling,

that it's gonna be a long while for the both of us

how can i tell you how sorry i am?

how can i make you believe how much i love you

for now,

i suppose i have to content myself with telling you i love you

and either hearing a stony silence or hear you chuckle softly to yourself in disbelief

i'll have to content myself with texting you i love you

and hope you believe my words

even when you don't reply me

after all,

i deserve it

and it's not surprising, it can't be

after all i've done to you

i've got echoes in my head

i've been crying again

i'm going to stop cutting myself

even if it takes me seeking for professional help

because

it's just really terribly stupid if i grow up to be a mother

who cuts herself

will you be with me?

and it's strange how you would be the one who says i make you feel safe

but i think

that unknown to the both of us,

it was really quite the opppsite

i didn't know then, how much i needed you

how much i loved you

you, the one man who loved me enough to stay

because the last man who told me he'd always love me left,

walked right out the door

and my tears, my pleads,

wouldn't bring him back

yes, you were different

you are different

and you still mean the world to me

do you believe that?

do you,

believe me?

that safety and security i knew i'd always find right there in your arms

i don't deserve that anymore do i,

my darling?

will you ever forgive me?

will i ever forgive myself? can i?

will you be with me?

because i feel safest with you

- xoxo
charis loves you
10:50 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.