with |ove; me

Thursday, March 22, 2007

we need to come to some sort of agreement,
we need to figure something out, so we can move on together
be it whether or not we decide to
move on together
or move on and off and away

i hate what you're going through,
and i'm so so so sorry

i was clearing my email, rubbish accumulated over time,
and i saw two comments he left, one after the other,
on the 16th of june.
comments that at that point in time, probably brought a smile,
and a just that slight tinge of exasperation that he were so worried about me,
which at the same time of course, made me smile again.

less than a year on however,
and with this completely new situation i've found myself in,
i look at those two comments,
comprising of only a few words,
and yet so full of the love i thought i didn't quite have when i was with him.

i read old emails, filled with words that seem to only be describing this whole situation we're in right now.

filled with all the words i want to say, but can't get out.

perhaps it took me this huge mistake to realize,
how much you loved me
and how much i love you.

unrealistic expectations,
and probably, without me even realizing it.
there was a big bang, and we all got knocked down
but then,
everything seems to have fallen in place along with it

both rings clink on my finger,
this painful reminder that we aren't what we used to be,
and we won't be for a long time

i get that, i understand
i know
and i'm prepared
for the over suspicion, the mistrust
the works

perhaps i have to stop punishing myself
but i don't believe i deserve that just yet,
not until

we need time, space
i'd say a huge shot of vodka too
except i had a whole glass that one time and it didn't help me to think any clearer
we have to each think about what's best for ourselves

i need you,
but i know right now you don't need me
you can't because it's too painful and i know that
so more than anything,
you need time
and i'll admit, i hate that

i'm right here

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:45 AM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.