with |ove; me

Monday, March 19, 2007

i wrote the words i love you in the sand, and it didn't blow away

i think, to say that life doesn't go as planned would be too much of a fucking understatement.

life, is basically the shit that's thrown at you.

well, there's good and there's bad shit
but when it gets too good,
it won't last.

way to be depressive after a wonderful weekend, i'm sorry.

my weekend birthday celebration(s) were absolutely amaaaaazing.
thank you, every single one of you for what you did, especially since i cancelled my party plans shiate out at the last minute

Mommie: i think she did the most work, what with planning with baby veekoo one night, and then everyone else the following night.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THAAAANK YOU

Baby sister: For getting told off like crazy, especially sunday when you got the rap for us being late and then after that round two from daddy simply because you knew.
i looove you. THANK YOU(:

Alastair: For being there, for trying to convince me that i deserve to celebrate my birthday.
for the gorgeous brownie-cake
for talking to me at all, really
Thank you, and i love you, i always will

bestest friend in thee whole world:
so i heard you planned sunday(:
you don't know how much it meant to me hon, really. with everything i've put you through, i hardly think i deserved all that. i'm so sorry i ended up late):
thank you thank you thaaaaank you, so so SO much.
i love you(:

baby buu: Thanks for coming down to church, it meant a lot. especially the elaborate planning, thanks for the widdle penguin(it's name is vickooo)
i love love love love loooove it, and you of course(: thank you

baby buu's twat: it must've absolutely killed you to be in a church, so thanks for just being there(: as well as afterwards of course

eme baby: you're a daaaaarling! i saw you BOTH on saturday as well as sunday!
thank you sweetheart, i love you

Zoe: OMG you came all the way from bishan. and it's not exactly like next door you know.
thank you for being there, i'm sorry we didnt get to spend more time together but thanks for coming all the same(:

Anni baby: i'm sorry for disappointing you. i love you, thank you and you're a bitch for smashing cake into my face. haha.
wub you muchos muchos

Daryl: whooo! the second time we've met already! haha
thank you for being there, and for hiding in my room and for like waiting for an hour. i'm sorry):
but thank you(:

Daddy & Stepmom: i loooved the birthday lunch, it was fabulous. made better of course with the amazing cake you guys bought as well as having practically the whole restaurant sing me happy birthday. after which, working off lunch with shopping. haha. i love(:
thank you(:

hmm. who else! haha

Derek, Donna, Joel(i think that's his name), Mason:
for hanging out with us at roomful of blues all night and having to sit through my very drunk and gross rendition of Above All
i'll never live it down, i swear.

Paddykins darling: for being so worried about me(: i love you

Ainsley honey: for walking that ohsolong ten minute walk from the club to pick me up,
and then looking after my handbag for me(: haha
most of all, for offering to spend with me what was planned to be an all-to-myself birthday
though i don't see how that would've been possible considering your night out. haha.
but thank you all the same(:

everyone else:
for birthday wishes and regards.
thank you(:

i've had three birthday cakes, a brownie cake and a birthday sundae
made my wishes, and i'm guessing that everyone probably knows what that wish is.
and of course, how it's not ever going to come true.

but a girl can wish, and hope can't she?

my birthday was a mass of tears, surprise and fun
as much as i enjoyed myself, loving every other minute of it, i couldn't help thinking of the horrible reality of it.
i'm sixteen, made the biggest mistake of my life and because of that well, i needn't say more do i?
but it's painful, how i could be held and hugged but at the end of the day,
the decision, the "only thing that can be done now" still remains the same.

you'll never forget, i won't ever forget. and that's what's painful.
you can try, yes.
you asked me to wait, and that's all i'm doing now.
feeling this need to tell you my coming and going, my whereabouts at any given moment
i fully understand your suspicions, the endless questions that keep echoing in your head and i'm living with it.
then for you to say that you know how you'll never be happy with me
it's quite a different story altogether
painful reality check when i've thought that even if it takes forever, i'm still waiting.

the truth of the matter is, and you should say it too,
that we won't be together again.
i hate thinking that, i didn't want to.
you asked me to wait, so i waited
but at the end of the day, you still feel that what i've done comes between us.
and that the only way is for you to forget it, and in doing that, you have to get over me.
you're not wrong for thinking that, and you might get over me
but i don't think you'll ever forget.
so if you're asking me to wait for you to forget, and get over me and fall in love with me all over again,
you might as well just.

i can't say it,
you know i can't and i don't want to.

pathetic isn't it?
after all this ranting and raving that i can't even say what's staring us both in the face
i want to wait,
i want to wait for you.
but you'll never forget, and if you even want to try,
we have to, you have to,
let go and move on.

i can't go back to where i used to be

let go and move on,
we tell each other that
say we shouldn't talk to each other so much,
let the other get on with life

yet as far as i can tell,
both of us can't really do that can we?

we know what we have to do and yet,
we don't want to.
i don't want to let you go, can you let go of me?

i wrote "i [heart] you" in the sand, it didn't blow away.
it's still there, would you like to take my hand, we can walk down that road again.
go back to the beach again, to that same special place and look for those words.
cos even after the sea water's washed over it, somehow i think the sand's been stained with those words i wrote.
those words i wrote, for you

- xoxo
charis loves you
10:17 AM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.