with |ove; me

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

so close, yet out of reach

i went back to school today, in my newly designed top!(:

got everyone to try the birthday cake that daddy bought for me,

yes i know, ohsosinful but gorgeous isn't it?

i've registered for English privately, but i really don't know what i'm going to do about art.

fucking shit

okay, enough

so thought about it and stuff

it's tough on you, i know

we're both trying to move on, and there's no easier way.

i'm sorry i messed us up.

do you know how much it guts me,

everytime i see stuff that states so clearly your already decided stand

on one hand, i'm trying so hard to do things so that you won't worry,

so that you don't have a reason to doubt me.

and yet, i need to start somewhere, but you're not giving me even that teaspoon of trust.

i'm trying, trying so hard to, and it's so difficult when i don't even have a single stepping stone.

on top of that, i see things like your status, displayed for the world.

it hurts.

but then, you'd say i deserve it and i guess i do, to a certain extent.

they say, give you time

you say, not right now

and i, i don't know what to do.

i need to move on from my mistake as much as you do, you know

i know i was the one who blew this whole thing up,

i was the one who caused this.

and now, the aftermath, you're in it too, and you need to know that.

every little bit hurts,

but i can't say anything because nothing would hurt as much as i've already hurt you, right?

as much as i am wrong, it hurts.

as much as i hurt, i know you've been hurt more

and as much as i have hurt you, i know i love you.

i'm living around you, and i know that

i thought for a moment, it was worth it.

but,

as much as i've wronged you, i'd like a chance.

a chance to, just get somewhere you know?

and it's difficult, so fucking difficult.

once again, it's my fault

because i wasn't letting you get on with life i suppose

so i'm doing that,

but there's wrong in that too

i can't seem to do anything right, can i?

and you, you.

friend.

i confided in you.

i don't know what to say, anymore.

while i'm trying to figure this out, on my own i might add

because everyone knows, you have to sort things out yourself,

you make it worse

every single bit of it

i don't need you to pretty it up, and i know how your take on human life

involves no one getting a second chance

but you know, i went to you for help,

and you told me one thing, the right thing, yes

but you turn around and say something else to him.

i can't believe you.

and just thinking about you makes me want to cry

because you've always been around,

and you've always always been there

and even though i'm guessing your intentions were purely good,

helpful even,

it hurts thinking about what you said.

you know, maybe there's truth in it.

maybe.

i don't think there is,

especially what you last said.

For you to say that to him,

it guts me even more than this.

you were never involved, you were a friend i told.

i hope you don't think you're in-between.

because if there were sides, you're on neither

you're helping him out, i get it.

man to man, someone who's been through this shit before.

you look back, after what you've been through,

and you think "this is what i should've done."

and you pass along that information.

you're forgetting something,

i'm not her.

i am not like her.

and him?

he's stronger than we all would've guessed, and i'm happy about that.

so he's not like you back then either.

different people, similar situation yes.

we're both your friends,

you advised both of us similarly.

and then,(oh yes around my birthday too!)

you said stuff, gave him ideas and suggestions that were purely,

unjust, unfair and bias.

you yourself said that i should take into consideration how your answers and advice to me would be bias.

i did, and i was still willing to listen.

because he deserved that much.

in whatever way possible, i wanted him to stop feeling the hurt.

a part of me wants him back you know, so fucking much.

actually, all of me does.

but there's a part of me that doesn't want that because,

i don't want him to have to go through what you went through.

and when we're both, both

at our weakest

how could you?

how could ever say something like that?

i can't look at you the same way, ever again.

thanks, thanks a lot.

he told me that, you didn't stab me in the back.

i get that, you know

i mean, you were just trying to help out a friend.

it's the way you said it.

if you said it completely differently,

ie; "well, in my opinion..."

it wouldn't have been half as bad.

my close friends are mad at me for what i did.

ann could jolly well have said the same thing

EXCEPT

if she felt what you did,

she could fucking look me in the eye and say,

"i don't think you deserve it,him anymore"

difference.

you're still my friend at the end of the day.

you didn't do it for anyone.

maybe him, but it wasn't like evil or something.

it'll blow over, and i'll breathe, or try to at least.

meanwhile, i've got music making me feel like i'm in disneyland ringing in my ear while i wait for my mom to pick up the phone.

excuse me, i need to go jump of a building now.

- xoxo
charis loves you
11:27 AM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.