Saturday, March 24, 2007
there will come a time where pictures you've kept locked in your treasure box will crumble between your fingers when you take them out.
memories will fade and get blurry, as will those remaining pictures which havn't yet disintergrated.
you will shake uncontrollably, whether from parkinson's diesease or being overwhelmed with emotion, as you run your fingers across familiar young smiling faces
and you will cry when it hits you like a punch in the stomach,
that you're so far away from the people you love so much.
"some parents hold their children too tight, the child can hardly breathe"
-quoted from skins
well that applies with us too i suppose, friends, girlfriends or boyfriends.
when we hold on too tight, when we try too hard to want to be close,
it just seems to repel us.
there will come a time in our lives, when we would give the world to be young again.
to go through the pain, and the sorrow but knowing we'd get to experience the joy as well.
when that time comes,
we will feel that all the pain and the sorrow and the hurt will be worth it,
cos Lord knows, you ain't felt pain til you've been through childbirth
and you don't know what hurt and sorrow is until your baby looks you in the eye and tells you she hates you.
we will come to that point in our lives where we will feel, and probably rightly so, that the suspension from school, the picking on from annoying teachers and the world-changing break up is so much more bearable compared to what we've had to go through since then.
we will come to that point in our lives, where we will realize how important those memories are, because they're all that's left of those wonderful times and even they, are growing dim.
we will reach that fragile stage, where our children wave goodbye as they pull out of the driveway in their cars filled with their children; our grandchildren
and our tea grows cold, by the time we've settled down to drink it.
and when that time comes, when that point in our lives arrive,
we can only wish so desperately to be back in the most horrible situation we were in as a child or as a teenager,
because it seems infinitely better,
and it probably is, mind you
we will try to grip onto what's left of what we can remember,
photos we randomly snapped one after the other in the dressing room,
at the mrt station and especially, most especially, in the toilet.
we will imagine the drunk (and the notso-drunk) girl kisses,
we will try and try to relive the moment but fail to do anything more than bring it to memory.
of course, this is all easy to say when you're imagining yourself looking back on now.
oh but of course! it doesn't look so bad when you think about what you would have already been through in fifty years time.
but once you've come back from the future,
honey, we're still here in the ohsorightnow.
and honestly, it sucks like a fucking bitch
it's not that it can't be handled or dealt with, or anything of the sort.
there're friends, wonderful darlings who i swear i could never ever live without,
much less imagine life without
all the same,
in this time, place, situation.
in this now
it's painful, having to live with my mistake and (coincidentally)
everytime i feel i might just stop punishing myself,
you take that away
and you, you make me hate myself all over again.
i talked it over with two, three people who listened and gave advice worth listening to.
talked it over and thought.
because you know, i havn't been able to fucking sleep properly
because you know, i'm paying for my mistake
maybe you don't know that, come to think of it
at first, i thought that we'd just take some time off completely,
from one another
then after that i thought,
i loved you too much to be with you because of the possibility of hurting you again.
and i stuck with that
until this afternoon
she said, that as fluffy and fantastical as these kind of things get, she believed she could see us together
"there's always that give it a shot thing"
you used to tell me that too, do you remember?
it's amazing how confusing your signals get
"you should tell him"
well i told you, ruins the moment but hell, i did it
perhaps to have the only truth i might not have heard otherwise
you're right, you're so right.
darling you didn't deserve what i did to you
and i'll never be able to tell you how sorry i am.
but you know,
against all advice,
i have begged, crawled, grovelled.
i made a mistake and i'm sorry.
it's not that i'm forgiving myself a lot easier than the people around me can forgive me.
rather,
i have tried.
i decided that i had to, because i was truly sorry,
and you really did and still do, mean that much.
you told me to wait, so i waited.
told me to hold on, i did.
wait indefinitely.
but you see,
this isn't waiting indefinitely.
you strung me along,
to tell me through a blog post that you can never and will never trust me again.
for the two weeks,
you were freezingly cold to me on the phone
but you kiss me when we meet and you hug me and hold me tight.
you tell me that you still love me and you don't want to lose me,
but when you look away and talk to me,
the hate and spite seeps through your words and you,
become someone other than the person who kissed me not more than a few minutes ago.
when i hated myself too much to feel i deserved a birthday celebration,
you told me otherwise
said i was being silly.
but then, when i start trying to get past my mistake,
when i decided i might just stop hating myself,
your bring it all up again, throw it all in my face
"remember what you did? you hurt me"
is what your every single word seems to scream at me.
and only after what charlene said, and what vicky said do i realize;
yes, you didn't deserve what i did to you.
i'm am so, ever so sorry.
but i don't deserve what you've done to me either.
because, i am still human.
so fallen, and having made the mistake of my life, feeling like i shouldnt really live anymore.
and i can hate myself and punish myself,
and come round to forgiving myself and moving on from my mistake.
but i don't deserve the emotional, psychological rollar coaster ride you've taken me on.
i still hate myself for what i did to you?
and you might hold this over me for as long as you will,
and i'd probably let you.
but what you've done now,
just.
oh so suddenly
nothing sparked it
and we've struggled through this fortnight,
though it's felt like two decades
and suddenly, you pull the brakes on the rollar coaster,
just as we're on the upward slope
oh almost there
but you wouldn't be you if you didn't, my darling.
like i said, you will always be special,
so fucking special
and one of a kind.
no one could make me happy like you did, and no one could make me cry like you have either.
maybe you'll say the same for me.
and even though it won't mean anything to you,
i'm sorry, truly i am.
i'd give the world to have you not feel so much hurt
because even though my actions contradicted every single i love you that i have ever said,
and even though i shattered those two years and all the most beautiful moments we've ever shared,
i love you.
with all my heart
and i know nothing i ever do will ever make up for that,
nothing i do will ever make you trust me again.
you bet your life on that already.
so even though it wasn't on my list of possible paths to take,
now we will have to move on, let go of each other.
now, we take our last bows and say goodnight and goodbye
all i wanna do is find a way back into lovei think we have to find our way out firstthere will come a point in time, where we will sit on the swing on the patio,
and as it creaks, we will wonder what we could've have been and where we would be now.
there will come that breaking moment in our life, when we will look at those old photographs which we've hidden from ourselves, placed together with those random letters we thought were lost over the years of moving and shifting.
and when that moment comes, we will cry.
and run our shaky fingers over the words written in an old lover's hand, on a page yellowed with age and stained with years of heartache.
we will trace the photograph of the familiar smile which brought such weakness to our knees,
and butterflies to our tummies.
but we will smile, at the memory and the whiff of youth it brings.
- xoxo
charis loves you
4:57 AM
there will come a time where pictures you've kept locked in your treasure box will crumble between your fingers when you take them out.
peeeeektooores!(: