with |ove; me

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Once you hit the ground,
the only way you got left is up
and so, it's a long climb
but there you have it

oh yes,
caused by my very own stupidity
and i deserve everything i've had to go through
but it'll never compare

anyway,
had lunch with veeektor today
and
yes, it was a great lunch
good food and the best heart to heart talk i've had in ages
i needed someone to talk to in length i guess
needed some substantial advice
even though the stuff he says clearly show his lack of faith in the human race
haha

and well yea

it meant a hell lot

SO
it's sunday morning, 2.40am
and i didnt get a call on friday
SO
i really don't know what it means
or if i'm starting school coming monday
SO
God, please help me because i'm starting to freak out here
BUT
i might have myself good news about my art(grin)
AND
about my sweet sixteen which i decided, only today to have again (double grin)
now, what i had planned to do on my sweet sixteen(when i decided i didnt deserve a party, which i still dont to be honest)
is for me to know and deeply consider if my party plan fails
(hint: i'll be alone!)

i'll contact you guys, someway somehow

anyway
church was great today
kinda felt like a spiritual version of my meeting with alastair on friday
wonderfulwonderfulwonderful

got pissed after church
and spilled a whole buncha stuff out to jo
which really helped to be honest
and now,

here i am
so many unsaid words
you might be dying to hear
but no,
not now

believe me darling, will you? oh please, believe me

here i am
once again
i call out to You
for i know that You hear
every cry
You are listening
no matter what state
my heart is in
You are faithful,
to answer
with love that is true
and a hope that is real
as i feel
Your touch
You bring a freedom
to all that's within
in the safety of this place

i'm longing to
pour out my heart
to say that I love You
pour out my heart
to say that i need You
pour out my heart
to say that i'm thankful
pour out my heart
to say that You're wonderful

i havn't said this for a while,
but you know,
God, You're wonderful(:

my appetite's gone beserk
i can't eat a lot, and i feel like throwing up when i taste oil or
erm
some kind of foods for that matter
like they stay on my lips, freeze
and i feel my body already rejecting it and the thought of consuming anything
suddenly seems disgusting

last night i had dinner though
and today, lunch
and after church
a whole bunch of oily stuff

so don't worry
i'm not gonna end up with anorexia or anything

never should've,
how could i and hurt you so?
i'm here, please hold me
i want you
i'm so sorry

will you?
ever
forgive
me?

pictureless post, you might notice
well the pretty picture's gone in my life too
suffer with me for a moment
though you won't feel half the pain,
but then, you didn't do what i did, did you?

- xoxo
charis loves you
2:32 AM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.