alone i was
before your love
when i saw you
i knew my life was touched

i saw your smile
and then i knew
that everything i felt
inside was true

i saw your smile
and then i knew
that i was gonna spend
my life with you


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Tuesday, July 31, 2007

i suppose you'll never know how much i really do love you.

and what am i to say, now?
since you've decided and you're so sure that i don't love you in the least?
what am i to say,
what am i to do?

If distance is what you want,
i can't simply disregard that, now can i?
I never thought it'd be this painful.
Why is that i've found myself holding on for so long?

And for as much as i regret, making that horrible, detrimental mistake,
i came to know a part of you that i never knew existed.
Still beautiful in its own way, i'd never love you any less.
i can't.
So you've seen my ugly side, and this, i know, is yours.
Yet you're perfect as ever.

But you can't forgive me you say,
and no one can make you.
I don't love you, you say?
well no one can make you believe.
i won't, try to make you believe.

If this is what you deem fit,
if it's what you think is best, who am i to go against you,
as much as i want to?

I have to leave you alone.
i have to let go
because there isn't anything left for me to do, anymore.

there must be something else more than this,
than crying every night wondering how i got myself into this mess.

and i have to stop thinking,
thinking of walks in the park that we took,
our special places.
have to stop reliving the times where you would fall asleep beside me and i'd wonder,
how in the world i could be sent such a perfect little angel.
How could i possibly have known,
that my life was too perfect to be real? too beautiful to be true?

Remember how i used to stroke your cheek and tell you,
that i had a horrible feeling this would all just turn out to be a dream,
and actually, i'm not really meant to be this happy?
Well it feels like that right now.

Every moment alive, just breathing,
is like, god,
a million miles aways from a life i used to have that was so,
so fucking perfect.

when you're gone,
the pieces of my heart are missing you

And it's so unreal,
every single movement i make.
it's like, it's all in slow fucking motion.

i'm taking everything in,
and everything i touch has you written all over it.
memories of you are everywhere,
even after i give you back everything.
it's still here.

i still remember the exact way your body felt,
the way your lips felt,
how our bodies could stand, and fit so perfectly together.
Everynight i can still feel your arms around me,
and i remember how i used to roll away and claim my own space.
I can still hear your snores.
how i thought i couldn't sleep,
but take away those snores and i'd be up for hours.

i remember waking up in the middle of the night,
just to kiss you, and make sure you were real.

everything holds memories of you,
even the tee i'm wearing now.
My alpha camp tee -
i remember not being deprived of our midnight calls even while at camp,
and how i missed you,
and how you picked me up from school.

god, i miss you so much.
not just having someone to love me.
talk is so fucking cheap.
but knowing that you were always there.

and you were so goddamn beautiful in every single fucking way.
so fucking perfect
and you brought that utter perfectness into our relationship,
you made us perfect.
and we were.
Even with our fights over the stupidest things,
being so addicted to each other,
even with all of that,
we were still perfect.

so so incredibly perfect.

i need to deal with this,
with myself.
and
i don't know how.
i've never been through this before and gawd i need help.

every moment alive feels like i'm dying.

it's like i'm not me anymore,
and there's just this ghost left in my wake.
and she's floating around, smiling at the right time,
eating when people are looking,
turning up for classes and photoshoots and whatnot.

In my room i caught side of the outfit i wore for my Teenage icon heats,
and on the floor,
the bag i carried with all my clothes for my Teenage icon semis.
and i just feel like such an utter loser, you know?

Everything's pretty much collapsing around me,
and all i'm capable of doing is sitting here and crying and crying and crying.

i used to have someone to hold me when i felt like this,
like my world was crashing down around me.
but i don't, not anymore.

and now,
even random words start me crying.
or the thought of Jennifer Aniston's sayig:
"It's just like have your best bud with you for ever you know"
when she got married to brad pitt and the thought of them having broken up and divorced.
(i know. like wtf right.)

i want go down and take a little three am walk in the park.

anyways,
watch this space.
i'll either go on a complete hiatus or over blog so much that you have to check in every half an hour.

Thank God i don't have my photoshoot tomorrow anymore.
no great makeup can cover puffy eyes.

i'm wishing real hard that i'll die by some freak act of nature.

i suppose you'll never know how much i really love you.
or you will but you'll never believe me.

it's okay,
no one believes me anyway.
no one needs me to make promises to them anymore because they figure i'll probably break it.

i love you.
but only i need to know that.

- xoxo
charis loves you
3:21 AM

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=En0A8KGMgq8&mode=related&search=

omg.
this is just absolutely amazing.
you could fucking cry.
i swear

- xoxo
charis loves you
12:39 AM

(0) comments

Monday, July 30, 2007

sure.
i don't love you right?
That's why i spend every night crying myself to sleep and pretending you're right there with me so that i can finally fall asleep.
That's exactly why i wake up every single morning,
wondering if my nightmare has ended

That's why i still call you and text you,
and tell you i love you
because i actually don't!

sure!
it just makes so much sense!

That's why i bother to reply your texts,
or wait up for you so we can fall aleep on the phone together,
or switch everything off when you tell me that you're going to bed so that you won't have to wait up for me.
yes indeed.
i do all that,
because i don't love you.

In fact, it's because i don't love you that,
months after the breakup,
i'm still not over you, still blogging about you, still talking about you,
still crying over you and still wishing that my life is just some horrible nightmare.

brilliant, really.

- xoxo
charis loves you
8:03 PM

(0) comments

my baby sister's cooking dinner tonight as practice for her home ec practical.

Gawd i miss those times.
pfft.
shiyun and i were cooking partners and i'd say we were pretty damn good.
we'd experiment, mess up, laugh and we NEVER EVER argued about washing up.
i swear!

):
i miss shiyun, thinking of it.
HELLO SHIYUN SWEETHEEEEEART!
I MISS YOU MUCHOS MUCHOS!

anyway,
my baby sister's won an award from the school for Best in English and Literature for 2006.
i'm soooo freaking proud of her(:

The day's been incredibly relaxing,
minus the back and forth texting and knowing that he's gonna keep his distance,
which i really really don't want.

i was up at about half past two,
had cereal and upon mommy's return home,
White tea with scones. i love.

i hate having gorgeous story lines milling around in my head and not being able to find the time to sit down properly and spend time typing it all out,
and editing it and sending it in for a shot at getting it published.
seriously.

i know i know, i shouldn't be so lazy and at least attempt at producing the gist of the storyline in a short prose or something.
note the word attempt dears.

ANYWAY.
speaking of old school(okay i know it was a few paragraphs ago)
there's some typical school girl bitch fight going on.
and being just that little bit a part of it,
i'm thinking, i'll blog about it.
of course i'm taking into consideration,
should i use real names and stuff and just,
thinking.
And you know what i think? haha.
hell yea. i'm gonna use real names and dissdissdiss, bitchbitchbitch.

Huiying's my sister's friend.
and she blogged,in passing, about this girl called Amanda Jong.
a fat girl who's got a pierced tongue and gives people nightmares by flicking out her tongue to show off her piercing.
aww. aren't i a bitch when i don't even know this girl!

okay, so no one would really have given a droplet of shit about her
until she gets her beLLyKewLxZxZCLIQUE to "go and find" huiying.
Huiying, poor girl, actually removes the post!
oh gosh i think she ought to have left it up there because,
it's her blog at the end of the day.
She doesn't like someone, she can go right ahead and talk about her.

Spreading rumours and slanderous shit is a completely different thing of course,
but this is different. way different.

SO ANYWAY.
amanda Jong and her "gang" have been harassing huiying and trying to get her out to talk with them.
ooooh!
scaaaaaary.
obviously, they're throwing their weight about trying to be cool.

Well i told Huiying to ignore them because,
honestly?
I think it's just HILARIOUS to even imagine that.
HAHA.
can you imagine it?

fat girl and clique: "EH HUIYING. KNN CB. TINK EUU SHO KEWLS ARX. COME OUTSIDE TALK"
huiying just stares at them for about a full second and walks past them.

okayokay.
that's a bit much.
but i hate it when people act big.

worse still, she's already taken down the bloody post and they're not leaving her alone!
they've gone to her blog and spammed brainlessly with the limited vocab that they know;
hokkien swearwords!

i am coolios yo.
knn ccb.
mmmmm
very smart. come on doggy! roll over and drool!

geez.
what an utter embarrassment to Paya Lebar MGS!
and they say people like me brought them shame?
hello!
i'm not going around with a spazzing fat studded tongue and sticking it out every chance i get,
OR
threatening people and behaving like i'm ohsocoool.

pfft.

i left a couple of messages on huiying's tagboard myself.(:
so there.

i think if they want to look for her, go right ahead.
don't send her a message telling her to "come find" you.
1) you're not lost love. i know the school's huge now but you can get your mommy to find you
2) you want her, go get her.
okay, i know it's the oldest trick in the book.
you sit in the canteen, short pinafore over spread fat thighs til everyone can see your grotesque little hairs,
and you smile while other people gawk because you think that they fear you.
when in actual fact, they're getting nauseous seeing the lice under your skirt get comfortable.
You smile even more when this timid little girl comes up to your little group and you like the stares you guys are getting.
But actually, the stares are because they fear this timid little girl is gonna have your lice jumping onto her.

haha.

okayokay. so cool, so cool.
give it up already. it's so stupid.

i personally think that Huiying shouldn't be wasting her time worrying about this group of shitheads because she has much better things to do!
ie; yawn and laugh at them. OR fart in their faces.

MOVING ON TO MORE IMPORTANT THINGS
i just saw my name(and face which wasn't very pretty, being in School uniform and all)
on Youtube!
haha.
omg. what a surprise. it's just some lameass shit of course.
but it was funny, bringing back memories and i miss Richa Gill!

(:

_______

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
All the words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
they lie on my floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And when you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

go on and take my heart with you
go on,
because i don't mind playing the fool.
take the heart that lies within,
the one that beats for you
take it cos it's always been yours anyway.

- xoxo
charis loves you
6:35 PM

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for some reason,
i'm never able to do things right.
however hard i try, it doesn't seem good enough.

it could always have been a little better,
a little earlier.
i could have just stayed home to begin with or something

I got home tonight,
just, completely torn up and upset.
everything seemed wrong,
i just hated myself, i didn't fit in.

why couldn't i be perfect like everyone else?

my battery flat, i called him to say i was home, but he was still mad at me.
It's not undeserved really.
i did say i'd be home by 11.30 or thereabouts.
i just didn't update him when we all agreed to cab it back together.
honestly,
i lost track of time. i didn't know it was so late already.

with my dead phone,
and leaving behind the idea of drowning myself in a friend's pool,
i said my goodbyes and caught a cab home by myself.

karaoke night,
but why am i even bothering to sing when i'm not the one in the finals.

ultra sensitive,
i feel just that little bit more different.
i'm out of the competition, what am i still doing at a party where every one's in the finals.
except the host of course,
but that's different because she's the host.

as much as the party was fun,
in a very wholesome clean way,
and Katrina is really the sweetest,
i left the party wondering why i went in the first place.

Of course, everything else tumbles nicely into place, doesn't it?
how he doesn't believe that i love him, he doesn't feel it.
but i don't have anything left,
i only have my words.
and he's cautious enough to take everything i say with a pinch of salt.

smart boy.

because who can trust me, after all?
I'm charis.
i don't even know if i trust myself.

Over the last couple of weeks i've managed to fall into depression, bounce back up and slowly,
backslide into it again.
but who cares right?
because everyone of us have shit to worry about.

O levels in, what, two months?

There's more important things to worry about.
nights can't be spent crying.

But is it really that wrong?
to still fall asleep every single night imagining that you're holding me tight to you?

oh aren't i just a pathetic sod really.
crying over a long gone ex who, quite obviously,
isn't going through the same shit i am.
while i feast, on the occasional i love yous that fall like crumbs from a rich man's table,
i say my i love yous like they're free,
and he doesn't feel it, he doesn't believe.

what a reversal of roles.
and God how disgustingly pathetic i've become.

smiling, desperately catching his every smile.
willing my phone to ring,
and crying to memories which aren't mine to keep.

what a mess,
and here i am, crying just as i type all this out.

"would you be free..."
and i jump up screaming yes before he finishes his bloody sentence.
disgusting, absolutely disgusting.
of course in the end he cancels, with apologies and such, such
adorable eyes that you'd just have to be blind deaf and cynical to hold anything against him.

why.
i don't understand why i subject myself to this.
how can i be so terribly in love with someone whom,
i know for sure doesn't love me like he used to?
why do i still think about kids we were supposed to have together and the way they'll hurl themselves into his arms screaming "daddy".

why do i still cry,
thinking about how i still think of all this,
and typing it out as it comes.

why is it still him i see when i close my eyes,
his smell that i breathe and his skin i swear is right under my fingertips.
how can it be,
when the inevitable is fast approaching.
and i know that, it won't be very long before,
he looks at me and says that,
finally, finally,
i am no more than nothing to him.
Why do i hold on to him for as long as he'll hold onto me,
and as a result,
be the last to let go,
and cry the goodbye tears that i realize i haven't really run out of since the day he left.

i'm not playing my sympathy card here,
i'm really just thinking aloud.
because the truth is,
i'd have it no other way.
for as long as he wants to know my whereabouts, scream at me for not keeping to my own curfew,
i'll let him.
for as long as he feels he needs to call me before he can sleep and text me at least once in a day,
i'll reply.
because i need that just as much, and even more than he does.

and as much as it kills me, after all that,
to watch him laugh and wrap his arm around a hotter, more deserving girl,
i'll smile for him and be happy.
because i am, as long as he is, i swear.

how can he ever want to still be with me after all that i've done to him anyway?
the nights i've made him stay up worrying about me,
the tears he's cried when i took his love for granted.

i haven't yet, but i suppose i will have to learn to,
accept that while i really did find a perfect other half,
i ruined my chance.
i've seen another side of him, and he has seen this ugly side of me as well.
and because no one expects the other to just get over something like this,
one shouldn't expect to see a revival of her ruined relationship.

Still,
it's nice to have something to hold on to and believe in.
something to keep you going,
and someone to tell you, even if it's only occasionally,
that they love you. very much in fact.

oh how cheap.
some random bloke reading this sodding post would probably think
he just has to tell me he loves me for a free fuck.
ugh.
i sound horrible.

"That's love" isn't an answer.
because no, this isn't love.
it's a one sided, hopeless relationship where i love someone,
but he doesn't know/believe/feel it and where
he, says he does, occasionally,
and i have to live with that and keeping hoping, praying and wishing that
something, a little anything,
will come of that.

and when the question "does he still love you?" is posed to me,
i smile, blush a little and go,
"well i guess so."

I know he used to love me.
very much, in fact.
He pampered me and spoiled me and was just really,
the most perfect boyfriend you could ask for and the most perfect son in law you could ever dream of having.

now,
well sometimes the stuff he says or does makes me realize that a part of him still loves me,
in some ways.
or shall we say, cares for me deeply.
It's the tiniest things really.
There's a part of me that's like,
so freaking sure he loves me.
Like,
"does he love you?"
"yea. he does. and i still love him too"
sweet,
but another part of me's starting to be like,
"well i don't know really"

One thing i do know for sure,
that a much as he loves me now, he doesn't love me as much as last time.
and that's only right now.
so naturally i'm thinking,
that give it a couple more months and pretty soon,
he won't love me anymore.
well,
not in that way anyway.
Which explains the very detailed and repetitive,
very lengthy post about all this.

It actually stemmed from my depression over tonight but well.

little things like him climbing out of bed to call me still gets to me,
and like yea,
he loves me if he does that right?
but i don't know if he still will by say, the end of this year or something.

anyway, i really should head to bed.
It's three in the morning and i'm starting to hear very disturbing sounds and keep on imagining a dead girl with long hair and no eyes creaking after me.
this is the first time in ages i've had this kinda odd feeling.
and i'm hearing weird creaking noises coming from outside the flat.
you know, the kind that you hear in movies right before some dead girl crawls out and grabs your leg.

OMFG
I NEED TO FUCKING SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET INTO BED WITHOUT SCARING MYSELF.
THERE IS NO FUCKING DEAD GIRL COMING AFTER ME.

The Lord will protect me from evil that lurks and seeks me as prey.

shutting up --

- xoxo
charis loves you
3:16 AM

(0) comments

Saturday, July 28, 2007

This is an amazing book, so go read it(:

i've had a bit on my mind, and no one to talk to about it.
At the same time, i'm not intent on blogging about it for the whole world.

oh well, i shouldn't even have talked about it then should i?

Weekends back here,
and i want to find a nice quaint little place where i can enjoy countless cups of tea and do a bit of math.
the tea would be immensely relaxing, just nice for something as horribly taxing as math.

I'd like to find a nice clean new book to settle down with in my very much enjoyed
me-time.
preferably a book that's bought(and worth buying) rather than a library book or i'll just have to worry about returning it on time.
Unfortunately, i don't seem to have a book i'm intent on buying.

Of course everyone is deep into their final book about the
oh-so-interesting adventures of Hairy Potty.
haha. pleeeeease don't get offended, i know it's interesting, but just not to me.

haha. so please,
don't mind me really.

I think one thing good about Hairy Potty is that,
it's made a lot of people who don't usually read, settle down and read.
AND it's good english unlike comparitively shoddy local-written stuff.

I thought i was well past being in loooove with celebrities butbutBUT
Milo V-somethingoranother is SOOO HOOOT.
like, omfg orgasm on the spot hot.

haha.
at least in Fergie's video for Big Girls Don't Cry.

diddums.

I'm in love with the Ellen Degenerous show.
she's freaking hilarious.

Yes i've noticed, that i do spend more time on the computer and watching television, but at the same time,
i also spend more time studying.

It's Katrina Calingo's party tomorrow(she's uber uber pretty!)
i'll post pictures up if i can.
apparently Ernie didn't reply her so she doesn't know if ernie will be there.

I'm still having the sniffles, and phlegm which solves eaily everytime i clear my throat.
voice back, i can sing(:

yay me.

O levels are uncomfortably close, and i really should be studying a lot more than i am.
even though it's amazing that i'm even studying at all.

I'm hooked onto this game called Fowl Words(:
it's really good for english in some ways.
haha.

_________

tell me when you stop loving me okay?
cos i think you might. eventually

- xoxo
charis loves you
2:48 PM

(0) comments

I went for Namiko's exhibition yesterday and enjoyed quite a bit of me-time before meeting mommy, twinnie and daanish for dinner.

Namiko Chan Takahashi is (omg i didn't know. sorry!)
an amazing artist and has won awards and stuff.
coolios yo.

I'm going for the opening of her next exhibition called the twelve parables and i've asked V and her twat along.
i think they'll both like it very much(:

i'm sleeping in tomorrow and i'll probably spend the day studying before my rehearsals in the evening.
Thank God i don't have to go out cos they'll be coming over(:
YAY ME

________

yes you can hold my hand if you want to,
cos i wanna hold yours too.
we'll be playmates and lovers
and share our secret worlds

is it really, the inevitable?
that i'm just hanging around, waiting for you to one day,
stop loving me completely?
what happen then?

i don't think i could stop loving you,
even if i wanted to,
my darling

yes you can hold my hand if you want to,
cos i wanna hold yours too

- xoxo
charis loves you
12:43 AM

(0) comments

Get Your Sexy Name

mmmm hmmm(:

- xoxo
charis loves you
12:29 AM

(0) comments

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

"not as much as last time"

i got out of bed this morning, wondering why it affected me so much.
after all, it's quite understandable isn't it?

It's inevitable at the end of the day, of course it's true.
why havn't i been able to just accept that and stop hanging on?

Just like when my father would take all of us, including mommy, out
together as a family and i hoped against hope that they'd be getting back together,
i've held on desperately to my own hope.

But i can't anymore, can i?
i shouldn't, should i?

Because, physical distance a given,
it's everything else that is now happening.
right in front of me, but, as usual, i've stuck my head in the sand.

Why is it that i'm always the one who ends up looking so terribly stupid?

"don't. stop it. don't keep on hanging on like you're so desperate" she told me.

did i listen? no
as fucking usual.

"oh you don't understand. he doesn't really mean it. haha"
oh what a fucking stupid idiot.

i'm so fucking sick of myself right now. so fucking sick.

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:55 PM

(0) comments

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
Your probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But Ive got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps until I'm full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
Ill be your best friend and you'll be mine
Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if u want to
Cause I want to hold yours too
Well be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But its time for me to go home
Its getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, Myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

- xoxo
charis loves you
12:09 AM

(0) comments

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
Its time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Do they now?

i've finally gotten rid of that
nice-for-a-moment-but-turned-out-to-be-godawful-skin
which i've been stuck using and have had ENDLESS amount of flak for.

ie;
"oooh. someone's all emooooo"

ack.

so yes, the breakup has, even til now, brought lots of tears and sleepless nights,
but i don't see him going all emo and having a
"diary of my broken heartxZxxZ" thing going on.
which, in turn, has reflected what a childish emo bitch i am.

shut up.

haha.

anywayyyyy,
i just absolutely loooove my new layout.
i love it i love it i loooove it.

just what i was looking for too. kind of.
haha.

my temperature's down and mommy and i are talking again.
i guess, i really have to learn to see things from her point of view.

my twin was sucha aaaaabsoluuuute daaaaarling!
she came over and we just chatted over Earl Grey Tea and honey butter cookies.
(i really wanted shortbread, she didn't get any. then i realized we had some all along. fuck it)

my pictures are gonna look better now.
not so freaking dull and all.
i ought to stop topic-jumping.

Fergie's Big Girls Don't Cry makes me wanna cry.
dammit.

i need to studyyy

- xoxo
charis loves you
11:34 PM

(0) comments

i'll be upfront and completely honest with you, right now
i'm doing this,
instead of blogging about what's really clogging up my brain.

SO SO SO
i miss the Teenage Icon people very very much.
those whom i was closest too anyways.(:


Chris, me, Daanish and Jack.
four of us here, two got in (the outer two guys)
oooh! like a secret pattern(:

hello hello!

there are six (very visible) people in this picture.
only half of em got in to the next round.

meet jack! he's my friend!
and he owes me taiwanese spicy chicken!

i am sooo sooo sooo happy for them.

i am totally rooting for Jack, Chris and Yuresh.
can you root for so many people? pfft.

thinking about it, if we all got into the final round,
more than being friends, we'd also be competitors.

that would seriously screw up any friendship which we've managed to establish and that brings its own set of problems.

there's a lot of pros and cons of being out of the competition,
but i think, at least for me,
there's more pros than cons(:

oh goshhhh. i feel horrible now.

but i'll admit, my head is buzzing with a relatively nice and comfortable warmth(:

i should really go tidy up my room for twin. it's disgustingly messy right now.
but i'm scared i'll go tidy it up and then she won't come):

all this thinking is making my brain hurt.

i want duuuuuriiiiaaaans!
it's like the worst thing to eat right now but it is, i'm afraid, the closest i can come to food.
well there's bananas i suppose.

i want oats. ):
or maybe i should order bloody macs.

gosh! sounds like a wonderful idea!

wanna fry an egg on my forehead?
you have to bring your own oil though(my complexion isn't that oily and horrible)

haha

- xoxo
charis loves you
2:26 PM

(0) comments

i had an early night yesterday because, well,
i was ill and running a temperature that wouldn't reflect on my thermometer.

drifted in and out this morning,
swearing to myself, in my sleep, that i'll sleep in til four in the afternoon.
i didn't get that far,
i was up by noon.

Temperature at that time read : 37.9

Now don't be a smart alec and go
"oh but it's only 3 degrees more than the official you-have-a-fever-reading of
37.6"

Because my normal everyday temperature is 36.
Once i hit 36.6, i feel horribly sick, can't breathe, and officially,
at least it feels like it,
am running a slight fever.

I have finished two boxes of tissue.
well not all of it went to the nose blowing of course, but most of it did.

Last night was good, i suppose.
okay, it was great.
not as big as i planned it but,
oh wells.
i had fun, we had fun!

my twin is just such an absolute darling!
she called up(this is called twin psych thing cos i didn't tell her i'm ill/ hitting depression)
so anyway, she wanted to take me out for lunch and shop for heels.
i need to shop for heels to actually. haha
but anyway, i'm ill.
like so.
yea

i asked her over instead -
for tea.
Earl Grey and shortbread. or whateverr.
scones. yummy.

her phone call cheered me up immensely.

mom's home, and she still isn't talking to me.
righto.

on a much much lighter note:

HAPPY NINETEENTH BIRTHDAY ALASTAAAAAAIR!
OMG OMG. YOU'RE NINETEEEEN! IT'S YOUR LAST YEAR TO BE A TEENAGER ALREADY!

not that it changes anything because you still behave like a three year old. haha.

I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOOOOVE YOU!
AND I HOPE YOU HAVE A BRILLIANT NINETEENTH BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION(:

xoxo

that's about it for now i suppose.
my house is out of light enough food for me to eat.
no, seriously.
no canned soup (but we've got a packet of fish biscuits which came in free)
no bread.
i would've made oats but i realized our milk had gone off.
i havn't really been drinking our milk, maybe that's why.

temperature as of now: 37.6

feeling better, if just slightly.

oh my gawd. even sneezing hurts.

):

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:35 PM

(0) comments

Monday, July 23, 2007

i am very very sick right now.

i don't know why.

i think mommy's still seething/upset over last night.
one of them, maybe both.

i hate starting sentences with "i".
i should stop that.

i've been coughing, sneezing and blowing my nose ever since i woke up.

see, there i go again, starting sentences with "i".
shut up.

well really, there's quite a bit for me to do before going out tonight
(omgzxzxxzxz. i can't wait!)
redo nails, veet legs, get hair done, pierce someone's tongue.

aye.

i'm gonna stuff a couple of panadols down my throat first.
i feel terrible

Tonight will be goood cleeeeaaan fun

it's gonna be a long way,
to happiness

- xoxo
charis loves you
12:25 PM

(0) comments

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was yourself.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Love After Love
Derek Walcott

Don't pull that line on me again.
i'm sick of it, we both are.
Enough is enough.

We chose you, said it with our very own tongue.
we chose you.

Thank you for only letting me get about halfway through what i wanted to say before,
whatever happened.

It's a thought, his thought, dammit.
No one's thought as far as you have,
no one knows anything.

I am so bloody fucking tired of this.

If a divorce was in order, you should've killed us both first.
perhaps that's a selfish thing to ask, i'll admit.

Not everyone is correct,
and everyone makes fucking mistakes.
We all move on, we're supposed to.
we have to because, the rest of the world doesn't give a droplet of shit about us and the muck we have to work through.

For the last time, stop asking us that damned question.
stop it. just fucking stop

everything was brilliant today.
i love you so much, i just loved coming back to you.
i love doing that every single day

maybe i shouldn't have talked to you about it.
i'm sorry, okay?
maybe i'm insensitive.
i thought you were strong enough, over it enough to talk about something like this normally.

i'm sorry, i really am.
i shouldn't have brought it up.
i should've known by now what i can and cannot talk to you about.

Maybe secretly i'm wishing for a perfect divorce too.

But everything else that's happened,
your reaction, and, following that, you ignoring me completely and not talking to me.
Does it make sense to you?
because it doesn't to me.

I was asking you a question,
because i didn't understand why you were so insistent.

after that you kind of clam up,
ask us questions you've asked so many times,
make statements that you expect isn't supposed to fucking cut us up inside

how am i supposed to feel?
how is she supposed to feel?

you shouldn't have taken us back if you've kept on thinking about how you could've moved away when you had the chance.
yes,
we do feel bad that you gave up moving to america for us.
we feel bad that you have gotten your just reward for keeping us in Singapore for the sake of knowing our father.
and we thank you for that, we really do.
but if all you're gonna say now is how we're better off somewhere else,
then i guess you don't really want us anymore.
_____


you will love again the stranger who was yourself.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart

what if, maybe, like you, you and you,
the stranger has never loved me either?
never really.
maybe just enough, to keep from dying.
just enough, to pose for pretty pictures.
but not really

_______

The voices ask me if it's worth it.
i tell them yes,
because i'd like to see you smile,
just one last time.

i want to see you happy

i want someone to tell me, that it was,
kind of because of me,
that they were happy.

_______

take down the love notes from the bookshelf.

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror

and i knew that she loved me,
when she loved me

- xoxo
charis loves you
12:22 AM

(0) comments

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Recipe for a horrible voice right before you have to sing for approval:

DURIANS. lots of it
A late night
Chili with everything you eat
Chocolate
Stay up all night crying and choking on your own tears

- xoxo
charis loves you
9:45 AM

(0) comments

Friday, July 20, 2007

hey there prettyyyys(:

The photoshoot went great, more pictures next time because i'm rushing off for class.

Go check out Steven Lim on Xia Xue's blog!
hilarious. he's OMFGGODAMN STUPID.

all my love!

- xoxo
charis loves you
3:56 PM

(0) comments

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

ink leaks from my pen,
forming words i hardly recognize as my own.
seeping through paper,
staining the white silk tablecloth,
like you did my heart.

take the paper and leave,
like you.
the mark,
still there,
visible and pained.

a scarr,
a memory that cannot,
even if i tried,
be erased.

your fingerprint,
upon my soul

will i, forever be condemned to see this, read this, feel this?
to love you from such a distance and yet be close enough to touch you,
feel you, and kiss you.

to love you, and know/ believe that you do love me too and yet,
be horribly desperate for reassurance (which i am hardly allowed)
and be so upset, that i cannot read your love,
barely feel it, but am
to know it,
simply by gut feel and belief?

must i, do i really have to,
sit in such a mix of emotions
and be overwhelmed by such a sense of,
hatred, almost.
jealousy, if i may,
sadness and just a hint of -
loss.

will there be an end to this?
i can hardly stand it.

it's repulsive and i shiver,
each time.
refusing to cry
and just left wondering -
why in the world i feel this way

i've never needed to make myself clearer,
have i?
and i will not now.

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:17 AM

(0) comments

Monday, July 16, 2007

my baby takes over my whole bed.
he's the guy i sleep with every night(:

isn't he seeeeexyyyyy

anyyyywayyyy,
my teenage icon journey is officially over.
i'm not being like egoistical and making excuses for myself,
but honestly,
they told us right before the competition that
It wasn't about singing.

they said they were now looking for an icon,
and already know who can sing and who can't,
but it's no more than an excess baggage, if we may.

oh wells

writer's group toniiiiight.

can't wait for next week(:

- xoxo
charis loves you
4:41 PM

(0) comments

Friday, July 13, 2007

- xoxo
charis loves you
11:23 PM

(0) comments

i am so fucking sick that i'm seriously getting like,
worried.


i can't sing properly
and my entire body is like fucking aching.


i've got a fucking temperature and i had to miss lessons today

i can't fucking sing and i've got teenage icon on sunday.
i've got half a mind to just like, not go
so i don't embarass myself


then there's tomorrow's showcase.
i don't think anyone's gonna be there, it's not important.
and this idiot aquaintance i've made is a tad bit annoying.



so well,
i woke up this morning feeling quite good even though i still had a cough/phlegm/runny nose
i was reeeeeaallyyy looking forward to today
so i baked cookies!
Double Chocolate Chip(:

took medicine and ate at regular intervals.

i settled down with late lunch
and wanted to sleep off my medication before class.
i got worse though
and taa daa
here i am, clearing my throat (which is apparently quite bad)
reaching for lozengers and trying my damnest to take any medicine i can find so that i'll be better by tomorrow.



Fuck it.



my competition's important so i will fucking get better.

i've been cheered up immensely by a darling friend of mine, and so,
don't feel all that unloved.

i've made myself soup, soon mommy and janice will be home from watching hairy potty.

with all the great reviews about Transformers,
i'm terribly tempted to watch it.

i'm a sucker for good storylines
and bril acting.
i heard Shia (we call him the Even Stevens guy. haha)
is reeeeaally reeeaally good.
hmmm

i wanna watch Surf's Up too.

but first things first,
i wanna get beeeetter!

uh oh.

it's already like, 11:13pm.

i'm gonna go sleep early.
so that i will be up and sunny tomorrow.

cross my fingers,
i really hope i'll be better.

i'm scraping my low notes and croaking a lot.
if i'm ot well enough to do a good job on sunday,
i might not turn up.
or maybe i will, you know,
just to see if i can get in while sounding like a frog.

okay.
me want soup.

you know what? i looooove you too

- xoxo
charis loves you
11:16 PM

(0) comments

fucking spaz.

i'm sorry i havn't been updating because i've been like, busy with,
life in general.



Michelle's leaving next tuesday and i've only gotten to spend one night with her.
a night that had us both fucking drunk, high and throwing up all over the place,
but still.
it's not quite enough):



so yes, i suppose i will tell my grandchildren one day, that,
the day before her O level orals, a few days before her major competition and
the day after having a fever,
i was like partying and getting so pissed that everything was incredibly funny.
that aside, my legs are like fucking aching.
it feels like
no, i won't tell you what it feels like. haha.

cheeky's = hoooooome(:

sooo apparently, july eleventh came and went without releasing august's Teenage.

butbutbut,
i have details my darlings! and it's all about the details(:


This Saturday

the Semi - Finalist showcase.

so you'll kinda get to know us, see us parade around aaand,
you can start voting! yay you!
this will be from 1pm-6pm



we'll be asked questions onstage and basically,
this is to promote the next day's event.


i know i dont look bril, shut up.

my neck hurts):
will someone be a darling and give me a massage?

i'm fucking tired, i need my bed like soooo badly right now.

sigh

ihateher ihateher i.hate.her

well, it's like two different hers i was thinking about.

one, who just like,
turned out to not be so nice and basically,
the bitch that everyone else has said she is.

and the other,
oh i don't know.
i've never liked her, really.

i hate this.
why do i feel so crummy.
i hate feeling like this. i hate it so much.

now, we all know there must me some sort of reason that makes you wanna go like all drunk and high and cast everything into the bin which you'll be leaning over and puking into.

it isn't terribly hidden, is it?
i can't get over him
and it's not like i want to right now either.

can you make a wish at like 1:11am?

my nose is blocked and i can't talk anymore,
i've just been fucking croaking.

CROAKCROAKCROAK

come save me? -weak smile-

okay, now for Charis' wise words of the day!

Children are like Tattoos.
you look better with them, you can't get rid of them
and the process isn't painful, it's just funnnnnn

haha.
okay, shutting up.

GOODNIGHT WORLD!

ps! i looooooooooved last night even though i had the mother of all hangovers this morning. update you on THAT another time(:

- xoxo
charis loves you
12:30 AM

(0) comments

Monday, July 09, 2007

one of my favourite pictures, as you might be able to tell.

so this afternoon was messed up,
and any attempt on my part to makeup was completely disregarded.

there's nothing much else i can do, is there?

so i've attempted to clean up my room,
only finding myself settling on the sheepskin carpet and pulling out that forbidden box.

i tilt it towards me, pulling out familiar thingies,
reading stuff i recognize as my own handwriting.
placing dates.

then i pull out old presents.

i suppress the urge to cry-
pick up old tickets and let them fall back into the box, carelessly almost -
rummage through pieces of cloth, paper and a couple of soft toys.

there's an old present.
a night light with a cardboard outline of the southern hemisphere.
my seventh month present to him.

i pick it up,
it's in pieces.
the edges i had carefully taped together are ripped from each other, flattened out to fit the box.
the night light and other half of cardboard are disjointed.
run my fingers over the holes in the cardboard.

when the nightlight shines through those holes,
it projects the whole southern hemisphere in your room.

i trace the little extras i've punctured in:
happy 7th month
i heart you

flames to dust
lovers to friends
why do all good things come to an end

my mind can't help wandering back and recreating the night i made that for him.

it's like a tattoo,
you never forget what happened,
how you made the art piece.
you don't forget how you felt, ever

i spent all of two hours
puncturing little holes into traced out pictures of star warriors and whatnot.
punctured tinier holes in order to link one star to another to another, and yet another.

i was contented and happy when i was done.
my blistered fingers meant nothing because i was sure
so sure he'd love it.

who knew that a year on,
i'd be pulling it out of a heap,
carefully taped edges torn and nothing more than -
to anyone -
a piece of junk.

and all i could do was curl up and cry and cry,
the sounds from my throat,
barely recognizable as my own.

my head hurts from crying too much,
and my eyes are sore.

i'm gonna take a huge bunch of pills and go to bed now.

- xoxo
charis loves you
10:34 PM

(0) comments

it's incredibly strange,
how, even after i blogged out my frustrations, i went on to post pictures up.
somehow, strangely, i had gotten over the whole episode extremely fast.
but that wasn't anything out of the ordinary, really.

now?
now, probably after reading my blog and all,
you've told me that we shouldn't talk.
we shouldn't be talking because it doesn't feel right.

everytime i make a decision to stop communication,
usually just for a while,
it is never respected.
finally,
i've given up and given in.
allowing myself, ourselves, as much communication as we'd like.

it's not necessarily the best thing to do,
but who can deny how terribly crazy we are about each other?

and then, now it's come to this point. again.

over some incredibly silly minute thing, and my reaction to it,
you've decided we shouldn't talk anymore.

right. that makes so much sense.

and everything that's happened this weekend...
god i'm not even gonna go there.

just when i think that i've managed to come to a point where i stop crying everyday.
perhaps that's never actually possible.

fuck i don't know.
i hate myself so fucking much right now.
i hate everything that's happened.
and i fucking wanna fucking curl up and fucking die

- xoxo
charis loves you
4:48 PM

(0) comments

RAHH! i am the evil jeans monster! FEAR ME

my adorable baby sister

young and beautiful
my son, when he was into Abraham lincoln. click on the picture to zoom and read the words(:
it couldn't have gotten anymore perfect
both, fucking drunk and i just look bloody gross.meanwhile, someone else looks adorable

fourteenth birthday(: i look different eh?
you won't believe it, that girl in the black tank is me. omg i was so fucking thin.
and now i'm not

and the one in blue, is clara. and now she's just fucking hot.

yea. i can hardly believe it too. it doesn't fucking look like me.
i want my old body back!

- xoxo
charis loves you
3:57 PM

(0) comments

- xoxo
charis loves you
3:10 PM

(0) comments

credits

layout by chris. (:

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forgotten secrets
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only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.