Tuesday, July 31, 2007
i suppose you'll never know how much i really do love you.
and what am i to say, now?
since you've decided and you're so sure that i don't love you in the least?
what am i to say,
what am i to do?
If distance is what you want,
i can't simply disregard that, now can i?
I never thought it'd be this painful.
Why is that i've found myself holding on for so long?
And for as much as i regret, making that horrible, detrimental mistake,
i came to know a part of you that i never knew existed.
Still beautiful in its own way, i'd never love you any less.
i can't.
So you've seen my ugly side, and this, i know, is yours.
Yet you're perfect as ever.
But you can't forgive me you say,
and no one can make you.
I don't love you, you say?
well no one can make you believe.
i won't, try to make you believe.
If this is what you deem fit,
if it's what you think is best, who am i to go against you,
as much as i want to?
I have to leave you alone.
i have to let go
because there isn't anything left for me to do, anymore.
there must be something else more than this,
than crying every night wondering how i got myself into this mess.
and i have to stop thinking,
thinking of walks in the park that we took,
our special places.
have to stop reliving the times where you would fall asleep beside me and i'd wonder,
how in the world i could be sent such a perfect little angel.
How could i possibly have known,
that my life was too perfect to be real? too beautiful to be true?
Remember how i used to stroke your cheek and tell you,
that i had a horrible feeling this would all just turn out to be a dream,
and actually, i'm not really meant to be this happy?
Well it feels like that right now.
Every moment alive, just breathing,
is like, god,
a million miles aways from a life i used to have that was so,
so fucking perfect.
when you're gone,
the pieces of my heart are missing youAnd it's so unreal,
every single movement i make.
it's like, it's all in slow fucking motion.
i'm taking everything in,
and everything i touch has you written all over it.
memories of you are everywhere,
even after i give you back everything.
it's still here.
i still remember the exact way your body felt,
the way your lips felt,
how our bodies could stand, and fit so perfectly together.
Everynight i can still feel your arms around me,
and i remember how i used to roll away and claim my own space.
I can still hear your snores.
how i thought i couldn't sleep,
but take away those snores and i'd be up for hours.
i remember waking up in the middle of the night,
just to kiss you, and make sure you were real.
everything holds memories of you,
even the tee i'm wearing now.
My alpha camp tee -
i remember not being deprived of our midnight calls even while at camp,
and how i missed you,
and how you picked me up from school.
god, i miss you so much.
not just having someone to love me.
talk is so fucking cheap.
but knowing that you were always there.
and you were so goddamn beautiful in every single fucking way.
so fucking perfect
and you brought that utter perfectness into our relationship,
you made us perfect.
and we were.
Even with our fights over the stupidest things,
being so addicted to each other,
even with all of that,
we were still perfect.
so so incredibly perfect.
i need to deal with this,
with myself.
and
i don't know how.
i've never been through this before and gawd i need help.
every moment alive feels like i'm dying.
it's like i'm not me anymore,
and there's just this ghost left in my wake.
and she's floating around, smiling at the right time,
eating when people are looking,
turning up for classes and photoshoots and whatnot.
In my room i caught side of the outfit i wore for my Teenage icon heats,
and on the floor,
the bag i carried with all my clothes for my Teenage icon semis.
and i just feel like such an utter loser, you know?
Everything's pretty much collapsing around me,
and all i'm capable of doing is sitting here and crying and crying and crying.
i used to have someone to hold me when i felt like this,
like my world was crashing down around me.
but i don't, not anymore.
and now,
even random words start me crying.
or the thought of Jennifer Aniston's sayig:
"It's just like have your best bud with you for ever you know"
when she got married to brad pitt and the thought of them having broken up and divorced.
(i know. like wtf right.)
i want go down and take a little three am walk in the park.
anyways,
watch this space.
i'll either go on a complete hiatus or over blog so much that you have to check in every half an hour.
Thank God i don't have my photoshoot tomorrow anymore.
no great makeup can cover puffy eyes.
i'm wishing real hard that i'll die by some freak act of nature.
i suppose you'll never know how much i really love you.
or you will but you'll never believe me.
it's okay,
no one believes me anyway.
no one needs me to make promises to them anymore because they figure i'll probably break it.
i love you.
but only i need to know that.
- xoxo
charis loves you
3:21 AM
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=En0A8KGMgq8&mode=related&search=
omg.
this is just absolutely amazing.
you could fucking cry.
i swear
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:39 AM
(0) comments
Monday, July 30, 2007
sure.
i don't love you right?
That's why i spend every night crying myself to sleep and pretending you're right there with me so that i can finally fall asleep.
That's exactly why i wake up every single morning,
wondering if my nightmare has ended
That's why i still call you and text you,
and tell you i love you
because i actually don't!
sure!
it just makes so much sense!
That's why i bother to reply your texts,
or wait up for you so we can fall aleep on the phone together,
or switch everything off when you tell me that you're going to bed so that you won't have to wait up for me.
yes indeed.
i do all that,
because i don't love you.
In fact, it's because i don't love you that,
months after the breakup,
i'm still not over you, still blogging about you, still talking about you,
still crying over you and still wishing that my life is just some horrible nightmare.
brilliant, really.
- xoxo
charis loves you
8:03 PM
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my baby sister's cooking dinner tonight as practice for her home ec practical.
Gawd i miss those times.
pfft.
shiyun and i were cooking partners and i'd say we were pretty damn good.
we'd experiment, mess up, laugh and we NEVER EVER argued about washing up.
i swear!
):
i miss shiyun, thinking of it.
HELLO SHIYUN SWEETHEEEEEART!
I MISS YOU MUCHOS MUCHOS!
anyway,
my baby sister's won an award from the school for Best in English and Literature for 2006.
i'm soooo freaking proud of her(:
The day's been incredibly relaxing,
minus the back and forth texting and knowing that he's gonna keep his distance,
which i really really don't want.
i was up at about half past two,
had cereal and upon mommy's return home,
White tea with scones. i love.
i hate having gorgeous story lines milling around in my head and not being able to find the time to sit down properly and spend time typing it all out,
and editing it and sending it in for a shot at getting it published.
seriously.
i know i know, i shouldn't be so lazy and at least attempt at producing the gist of the storyline in a short prose or something.
note the word attempt dears.
ANYWAY.
speaking of old school(okay i know it was a few paragraphs ago)
there's some typical school girl bitch fight going on.
and being just that little bit a part of it,
i'm thinking, i'll blog about it.
of course i'm taking into consideration,
should i use real names and stuff and just,
thinking.
And you know what i think? haha.
hell yea. i'm gonna use real names and dissdissdiss, bitchbitchbitch.
Huiying's my sister's friend.
and she blogged,in passing, about this girl called Amanda Jong.
a fat girl who's got a pierced tongue and gives people nightmares by flicking out her tongue to show off her piercing.
aww. aren't i a bitch when i don't even know this girl!
okay, so no one would really have given a droplet of shit about her
until she gets her beLLyKewLxZxZCLIQUE to "go and find" huiying.
Huiying, poor girl, actually removes the post!
oh gosh i think she ought to have left it up there because,
it's her blog at the end of the day.
She doesn't like someone, she can go right ahead and talk about her.
Spreading rumours and slanderous shit is a completely different thing of course,
but this is different. way different.
SO ANYWAY.
amanda Jong and her "gang" have been harassing huiying and trying to get her out to talk with them.
ooooh!
scaaaaaary.
obviously, they're throwing their weight about trying to be cool.
Well i told Huiying to ignore them because,
honestly?
I think it's just HILARIOUS to even imagine that.
HAHA.
can you imagine it?
fat girl and clique: "EH HUIYING. KNN CB. TINK EUU SHO KEWLS ARX. COME OUTSIDE TALK"
huiying just stares at them for about a full second and walks past them.
okayokay.
that's a bit much.
but i hate it when people act big.
worse still, she's already taken down the bloody post and they're not leaving her alone!
they've gone to her blog and spammed brainlessly with the limited vocab that they know;
hokkien swearwords!
i am coolios yo.
knn ccb.
mmmmm
very smart. come on doggy! roll over and drool!
geez.
what an utter embarrassment to Paya Lebar MGS!
and they say people like me brought them shame?
hello!
i'm not going around with a spazzing fat studded tongue and sticking it out every chance i get,
OR
threatening people and behaving like i'm ohsocoool.
pfft.
i left a couple of messages on huiying's tagboard myself.(:
so there.
i think if they want to look for her, go right ahead.
don't send her a message telling her to "come find" you.
1) you're not lost love. i know the school's huge now but you can get your mommy to find you
2) you want her, go get her.
okay, i know it's the oldest trick in the book.
you sit in the canteen, short pinafore over spread fat thighs til everyone can see your grotesque little hairs,
and you smile while other people gawk because you think that they fear you.
when in actual fact, they're getting nauseous seeing the lice under your skirt get comfortable.
You smile even more when this timid little girl comes up to your little group and you like the stares you guys are getting.
But actually, the stares are because they fear this timid little girl is gonna have your lice jumping onto her.
haha.
okayokay. so cool, so cool.
give it up already. it's so stupid.
i personally think that Huiying shouldn't be wasting her time worrying about this group of shitheads because she has much better things to do!
ie; yawn and laugh at them. OR fart in their faces.
MOVING ON TO MORE IMPORTANT THINGS
i just saw my name(and face which wasn't very pretty, being in School uniform and all)
on Youtube!
haha.
omg. what a surprise. it's just some lameass shit of course.
but it was funny, bringing back memories and i miss Richa Gill!
(:
_______
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
All the words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you
I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
they lie on my floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do
When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
And when you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you
go on and take my heart with you
go on,
because i don't mind playing the fool.
take the heart that lies within,
the one that beats for you
take it cos it's always been yours anyway.
- xoxo
charis loves you
6:35 PM
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for some reason,
i'm never able to do things right.
however hard i try, it doesn't seem good enough.
it could always have been a little better,
a little earlier.
i could have just stayed home to begin with or something
I got home tonight,
just, completely torn up and upset.
everything seemed wrong,
i just hated myself, i didn't fit in.
why couldn't i be perfect like everyone else?
my battery flat, i called him to say i was home, but he was still mad at me.
It's not undeserved really.
i did say i'd be home by 11.30 or thereabouts.
i just didn't update him when we all agreed to cab it back together.
honestly,
i lost track of time. i didn't know it was so late already.
with my dead phone,
and leaving behind the idea of drowning myself in a friend's pool,
i said my goodbyes and caught a cab home by myself.
karaoke night,
but why am i even bothering to sing when i'm not the one in the finals.
ultra sensitive,
i feel just that little bit more different.
i'm out of the competition, what am i still doing at a party where every one's in the finals.
except the host of course,
but that's different because she's the host.
as much as the party was fun,
in a very wholesome clean way,
and Katrina is really the sweetest,
i left the party wondering why i went in the first place.
Of course, everything else tumbles nicely into place, doesn't it?
how he doesn't believe that i love him, he doesn't feel it.
but i don't have anything left,
i only have my words.
and he's cautious enough to take everything i say with a pinch of salt.
smart boy.
because who can trust me, after all?
I'm charis.
i don't even know if i trust myself.
Over the last couple of weeks i've managed to fall into depression, bounce back up and slowly,
backslide into it again.
but who cares right?
because everyone of us have shit to worry about.
O levels in, what, two months?
There's more important things to worry about.
nights can't be spent crying.
But is it really that wrong?
to still fall asleep every single night imagining that you're holding me tight to you?
oh aren't i just a pathetic sod really.
crying over a long gone ex who, quite obviously,
isn't going through the same shit i am.
while i feast, on the occasional i love yous that fall like crumbs from a rich man's table,
i say my i love yous like they're free,
and he doesn't feel it, he doesn't believe.
what a reversal of roles.
and God how disgustingly pathetic i've become.
smiling, desperately catching his every smile.
willing my phone to ring,
and crying to memories which aren't mine to keep.
what a mess,
and here i am, crying just as i type all this out.
"would you be free..."
and i jump up screaming yes before he finishes his bloody sentence.
disgusting, absolutely disgusting.
of course in the end he cancels, with apologies and such, such
adorable eyes that you'd just have to be blind deaf and cynical to hold anything against him.
why.
i don't understand why i subject myself to this.
how can i be so terribly in love with someone whom,
i know for sure doesn't love me like he used to?
why do i still think about kids we were supposed to have together and the way they'll hurl themselves into his arms screaming "daddy".
why do i still cry,
thinking about how i still think of all this,
and typing it out as it comes.
why is it still him i see when i close my eyes,
his smell that i breathe and his skin i swear is right under my fingertips.
how can it be,
when the inevitable is fast approaching.
and i know that, it won't be very long before,
he looks at me and says that,
finally, finally,
i am no more than nothing to him.
Why do i hold on to him for as long as he'll hold onto me,
and as a result,
be the last to let go,
and cry the goodbye tears that i realize i haven't really run out of since the day he left.
i'm not playing my sympathy card here,
i'm really just thinking aloud.
because the truth is,
i'd have it no other way.
for as long as he wants to know my whereabouts, scream at me for not keeping to my own curfew,
i'll let him.
for as long as he feels he needs to call me before he can sleep and text me at least once in a day,
i'll reply.
because i need that just as much, and even more than he does.
and as much as it kills me, after all that,
to watch him laugh and wrap his arm around a hotter, more deserving girl,
i'll smile for him and be happy.
because i am, as long as he is, i swear.
how can he ever want to still be with me after all that i've done to him anyway?
the nights i've made him stay up worrying about me,
the tears he's cried when i took his love for granted.
i haven't yet, but i suppose i will have to learn to,
accept that while i really did find a perfect other half,
i ruined my chance.
i've seen another side of him, and he has seen this ugly side of me as well.
and because no one expects the other to just get over something like this,
one shouldn't expect to see a revival of her ruined relationship.
Still,
it's nice to have something to hold on to and believe in.
something to keep you going,
and someone to tell you, even if it's only occasionally,
that they love you. very much in fact.
oh how cheap.
some random bloke reading this sodding post would probably think
he just has to tell me he loves me for a free fuck.
ugh.
i sound horrible.
"That's love" isn't an answer.
because no, this isn't love.
it's a one sided, hopeless relationship where i love someone,
but he doesn't know/believe/feel it and where
he, says he does, occasionally,
and i have to live with that and keeping hoping, praying and wishing that
something, a little anything,
will come of that.
and when the question "does he still love you?" is posed to me,
i smile, blush a little and go,
"well i guess so."
I know he used to love me.
very much, in fact.
He pampered me and spoiled me and was just really,
the most perfect boyfriend you could ask for and the most perfect son in law you could ever dream of having.
now,
well sometimes the stuff he says or does makes me realize that a part of him still loves me,
in some ways.
or shall we say, cares for me deeply.
It's the tiniest things really.
There's a part of me that's like,
so freaking sure he loves me.
Like,
"does he love you?"
"yea. he does. and i still love him too"
sweet,
but another part of me's starting to be like,
"well i don't know really"
One thing i do know for sure,
that a much as he loves me now, he doesn't love me as much as last time.
and that's only right now.
so naturally i'm thinking,
that give it a couple more months and pretty soon,
he won't love me anymore.
well,
not in that way anyway.
Which explains the very detailed and repetitive,
very lengthy post about all this.
It actually stemmed from my depression over tonight but well.
little things like him climbing out of bed to call me still gets to me,
and like yea,
he loves me if he does that right?
but i don't know if he still will by say, the end of this year or something.
anyway, i really should head to bed.
It's three in the morning and i'm starting to hear very disturbing sounds and keep on imagining a dead girl with long hair and no eyes creaking after me.
this is the first time in ages i've had this kinda odd feeling.
and i'm hearing weird creaking noises coming from outside the flat.
you know, the kind that you hear in movies right before some dead girl crawls out and grabs your leg.
OMFG
I NEED TO FUCKING SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET INTO BED WITHOUT SCARING MYSELF.
THERE IS NO FUCKING DEAD GIRL COMING AFTER ME.
The Lord will protect me from evil that lurks and seeks me as prey.
shutting up --
- xoxo
charis loves you
3:16 AM
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Saturday, July 28, 2007
This is an amazing book, so go read it(:
i've had a bit on my mind, and no one to talk to about it.
At the same time, i'm not intent on blogging about it for the whole world.
oh well, i shouldn't even have talked about it then should i?
Weekends back here,
and i want to find a nice quaint little place where i can enjoy countless cups of tea and do a bit of math.
the tea would be immensely relaxing, just nice for something as horribly taxing as math.
I'd like to find a nice clean new book to settle down with in my very much enjoyed
me-time.
preferably a book that's bought(and worth buying) rather than a library book or i'll just have to worry about returning it on time.
Unfortunately, i don't seem to have a book i'm intent on buying.
Of course everyone is deep into their final book about the
oh-so-interesting adventures of Hairy Potty.
haha. pleeeeease don't get offended, i know it's interesting, but just not to me.
haha. so please,
don't mind me really.
I think one thing good about Hairy Potty is that,
it's made a lot of people who don't usually read, settle down and read.
AND it's good english unlike comparitively shoddy local-written stuff.
I thought i was well past being in loooove with celebrities butbutBUT
Milo V-somethingoranother is SOOO HOOOT.
like, omfg orgasm on the spot hot.
haha.
at least in Fergie's video for Big Girls Don't Cry.
diddums.
I'm in love with the Ellen Degenerous show.
she's freaking hilarious.
Yes i've noticed, that i do spend more time on the computer and watching television, but at the same time,
i also spend more time studying.
It's Katrina Calingo's party tomorrow(she's uber uber pretty!)
i'll post pictures up if i can.
apparently Ernie didn't reply her so she doesn't know if ernie will be there.
I'm still having the sniffles, and phlegm which solves eaily everytime i clear my throat.
voice back, i can sing(:
yay me.
O levels are uncomfortably close, and i really should be studying a lot more than i am.
even though it's amazing that i'm even studying at all.
I'm hooked onto this game called Fowl Words(:
it's really good for english in some ways.
haha.
_________
tell me when you stop loving me okay?
cos i think you might. eventually
- xoxo
charis loves you
2:48 PM
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I went for Namiko's exhibition yesterday and enjoyed quite a bit of me-time before meeting mommy, twinnie and daanish for dinner.
Namiko Chan Takahashi is (omg i didn't know. sorry!)
an amazing artist and has won awards and stuff.
coolios yo.
I'm going for the opening of her next exhibition called the twelve parables and i've asked V and her twat along.
i think they'll both like it very much(:
i'm sleeping in tomorrow and i'll probably spend the day studying before my rehearsals in the evening.
Thank God i don't have to go out cos they'll be coming over(:
YAY ME
________
yes you can hold my hand if you want to,
cos i wanna hold yours too.
we'll be playmates and lovers
and share our secret worldsis it really, the inevitable?
that i'm just hanging around, waiting for you to one day,
stop loving me completely?
what happen then?
i don't think i could stop loving you,
even if i wanted to,
my darling
yes you can hold my hand if you want to,
cos i wanna hold yours too
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:43 AM
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Get Your Sexy Name
mmmm hmmm(:
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:29 AM
(0) comments
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
"not as much as last time"i got out of bed this morning, wondering why it affected me so much.
after all, it's quite understandable isn't it?
It's inevitable at the end of the day, of course it's true.
why havn't i been able to just accept that and stop hanging on?
Just like when my father would take all of us, including mommy, out
together as a family and i hoped against hope that they'd be getting back together,
i've held on desperately to my own hope.
But i can't anymore, can i?
i shouldn't, should i?
Because, physical distance a given,
it's everything else that is now happening.
right in front of me, but, as usual, i've stuck my head in the sand.
Why is it that i'm always the one who ends up looking so terribly stupid?
"don't. stop it. don't keep on hanging on like you're so desperate" she told me.
did i listen? no
as fucking usual.
"oh you don't understand. he doesn't really mean it. haha"
oh what a fucking stupid idiot.
i'm so fucking sick of myself right now. so fucking sick.
- xoxo
charis loves you
1:55 PM
(0) comments
"not as much as last time"
peeeeektooores!(: