with |ove; me

Monday, July 23, 2007

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was yourself.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Love After Love
Derek Walcott

Don't pull that line on me again.
i'm sick of it, we both are.
Enough is enough.

We chose you, said it with our very own tongue.
we chose you.

Thank you for only letting me get about halfway through what i wanted to say before,
whatever happened.

It's a thought, his thought, dammit.
No one's thought as far as you have,
no one knows anything.

I am so bloody fucking tired of this.

If a divorce was in order, you should've killed us both first.
perhaps that's a selfish thing to ask, i'll admit.

Not everyone is correct,
and everyone makes fucking mistakes.
We all move on, we're supposed to.
we have to because, the rest of the world doesn't give a droplet of shit about us and the muck we have to work through.

For the last time, stop asking us that damned question.
stop it. just fucking stop

everything was brilliant today.
i love you so much, i just loved coming back to you.
i love doing that every single day

maybe i shouldn't have talked to you about it.
i'm sorry, okay?
maybe i'm insensitive.
i thought you were strong enough, over it enough to talk about something like this normally.

i'm sorry, i really am.
i shouldn't have brought it up.
i should've known by now what i can and cannot talk to you about.

Maybe secretly i'm wishing for a perfect divorce too.

But everything else that's happened,
your reaction, and, following that, you ignoring me completely and not talking to me.
Does it make sense to you?
because it doesn't to me.

I was asking you a question,
because i didn't understand why you were so insistent.

after that you kind of clam up,
ask us questions you've asked so many times,
make statements that you expect isn't supposed to fucking cut us up inside

how am i supposed to feel?
how is she supposed to feel?

you shouldn't have taken us back if you've kept on thinking about how you could've moved away when you had the chance.
yes,
we do feel bad that you gave up moving to america for us.
we feel bad that you have gotten your just reward for keeping us in Singapore for the sake of knowing our father.
and we thank you for that, we really do.
but if all you're gonna say now is how we're better off somewhere else,
then i guess you don't really want us anymore.
_____

you will love again the stranger who was yourself.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart

what if, maybe, like you, you and you,
the stranger has never loved me either?
never really.
maybe just enough, to keep from dying.
just enough, to pose for pretty pictures.
but not really

_______

The voices ask me if it's worth it.
i tell them yes,
because i'd like to see you smile,
just one last time.

i want to see you happy

i want someone to tell me, that it was,
kind of because of me,
that they were happy.

_______

take down the love notes from the bookshelf.

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror

and i knew that she loved me,
when she loved me

- xoxo
charis loves you
12:22 AM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.