with |ove; me

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

i suppose you'll never know how much i really do love you.

and what am i to say, now?
since you've decided and you're so sure that i don't love you in the least?
what am i to say,
what am i to do?

If distance is what you want,
i can't simply disregard that, now can i?
I never thought it'd be this painful.
Why is that i've found myself holding on for so long?

And for as much as i regret, making that horrible, detrimental mistake,
i came to know a part of you that i never knew existed.
Still beautiful in its own way, i'd never love you any less.
i can't.
So you've seen my ugly side, and this, i know, is yours.
Yet you're perfect as ever.

But you can't forgive me you say,
and no one can make you.
I don't love you, you say?
well no one can make you believe.
i won't, try to make you believe.

If this is what you deem fit,
if it's what you think is best, who am i to go against you,
as much as i want to?

I have to leave you alone.
i have to let go
because there isn't anything left for me to do, anymore.

there must be something else more than this,
than crying every night wondering how i got myself into this mess.

and i have to stop thinking,
thinking of walks in the park that we took,
our special places.
have to stop reliving the times where you would fall asleep beside me and i'd wonder,
how in the world i could be sent such a perfect little angel.
How could i possibly have known,
that my life was too perfect to be real? too beautiful to be true?

Remember how i used to stroke your cheek and tell you,
that i had a horrible feeling this would all just turn out to be a dream,
and actually, i'm not really meant to be this happy?
Well it feels like that right now.

Every moment alive, just breathing,
is like, god,
a million miles aways from a life i used to have that was so,
so fucking perfect.

when you're gone,
the pieces of my heart are missing you

And it's so unreal,
every single movement i make.
it's like, it's all in slow fucking motion.

i'm taking everything in,
and everything i touch has you written all over it.
memories of you are everywhere,
even after i give you back everything.
it's still here.

i still remember the exact way your body felt,
the way your lips felt,
how our bodies could stand, and fit so perfectly together.
Everynight i can still feel your arms around me,
and i remember how i used to roll away and claim my own space.
I can still hear your snores.
how i thought i couldn't sleep,
but take away those snores and i'd be up for hours.

i remember waking up in the middle of the night,
just to kiss you, and make sure you were real.

everything holds memories of you,
even the tee i'm wearing now.
My alpha camp tee -
i remember not being deprived of our midnight calls even while at camp,
and how i missed you,
and how you picked me up from school.

god, i miss you so much.
not just having someone to love me.
talk is so fucking cheap.
but knowing that you were always there.

and you were so goddamn beautiful in every single fucking way.
so fucking perfect
and you brought that utter perfectness into our relationship,
you made us perfect.
and we were.
Even with our fights over the stupidest things,
being so addicted to each other,
even with all of that,
we were still perfect.

so so incredibly perfect.

i need to deal with this,
with myself.
and
i don't know how.
i've never been through this before and gawd i need help.

every moment alive feels like i'm dying.

it's like i'm not me anymore,
and there's just this ghost left in my wake.
and she's floating around, smiling at the right time,
eating when people are looking,
turning up for classes and photoshoots and whatnot.

In my room i caught side of the outfit i wore for my Teenage icon heats,
and on the floor,
the bag i carried with all my clothes for my Teenage icon semis.
and i just feel like such an utter loser, you know?

Everything's pretty much collapsing around me,
and all i'm capable of doing is sitting here and crying and crying and crying.

i used to have someone to hold me when i felt like this,
like my world was crashing down around me.
but i don't, not anymore.

and now,
even random words start me crying.
or the thought of Jennifer Aniston's sayig:
"It's just like have your best bud with you for ever you know"
when she got married to brad pitt and the thought of them having broken up and divorced.
(i know. like wtf right.)

i want go down and take a little three am walk in the park.

anyways,
watch this space.
i'll either go on a complete hiatus or over blog so much that you have to check in every half an hour.

Thank God i don't have my photoshoot tomorrow anymore.
no great makeup can cover puffy eyes.

i'm wishing real hard that i'll die by some freak act of nature.

i suppose you'll never know how much i really love you.
or you will but you'll never believe me.

it's okay,
no one believes me anyway.
no one needs me to make promises to them anymore because they figure i'll probably break it.

i love you.
but only i need to know that.

- xoxo
charis loves you
3:21 AM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.