with |ove; me

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

"not as much as last time"

i got out of bed this morning, wondering why it affected me so much.
after all, it's quite understandable isn't it?

It's inevitable at the end of the day, of course it's true.
why havn't i been able to just accept that and stop hanging on?

Just like when my father would take all of us, including mommy, out
together as a family and i hoped against hope that they'd be getting back together,
i've held on desperately to my own hope.

But i can't anymore, can i?
i shouldn't, should i?

Because, physical distance a given,
it's everything else that is now happening.
right in front of me, but, as usual, i've stuck my head in the sand.

Why is it that i'm always the one who ends up looking so terribly stupid?

"don't. stop it. don't keep on hanging on like you're so desperate" she told me.

did i listen? no
as fucking usual.

"oh you don't understand. he doesn't really mean it. haha"
oh what a fucking stupid idiot.

i'm so fucking sick of myself right now. so fucking sick.

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:55 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.