with |ove; me

Monday, May 21, 2007

I am appalled by the underhanded methods my old school has adopted in their perverse attempt to make themselves feel superior to their students, as well as to prove, more to themselves rather than the rest of the world who hardly gives two hoots, that they are righteous,
God-fearing creatures who are disgusted by the idea of anything remotely out of the ordinary.

I was cautioned and told that, all being fair, perhaps their actions are due to the fact that they do not understand. But what, may i ask you, could they possibly not understand? What is there to understand at all, in fact?
It is known, and has been caught on by the government and its media. A blog, like or unlike this very same one which you are reading, is an online journal.
Some, like myself, use it as a platform to air whatever grievances or personal opinions one might have about various happenings in our lives. Others use it as a report of their daily happenings. Whatever the case, should one be penalized and persecuted for the content of their own personal blogs?

It is the same as your mother looking through your private diary and telling you off for writing or using crude swear words.
It is the same as anyone looking through your penned down thoughts, meant for your eyes only, and using it against you.

True, a blog is slightly different from a private journal in that once those words or pictures are published, it is on worldwide web and become public property rather than your own.
Therefore, it is understandable if bloggers are fined or sued due to racist remarks or scathing comments on the government, should their words be completely baseless.

Those, are completely different from say, a girl posting a picture up of her outing with her friends.
And is that not where most of our pictures come from? Few of us, (with the exception of celebrity bloggers like Wendy Cheng, known as xiaxue) would have photographs taken of ourselves in our room, alone, with a messy study table as a backdrop and would post it up on our blog saying,
"This is what i did today!"
No, we would put up pictures with our friends or family, whatever the occasion happens to be.

Let's face it, shall we? As teenagers and even as adults, more so girls, ladies and women, we love to cam-whore. We are, just that little bit, narcissistic, just that little bit in love with ourselves, and we will have a million and one different poses for the camera.
some could be of us smiling, some could be of us pretending to think, some could be of us blowing kisses to the camera. And of course, some of those pictures, could be of us kissing our lovers or even our friends and family.

And so, if one happens to post up a picture of herself kissing her mother's cheek, would you pull her out of class, reprimand her and as i type this out, have her in fear of being suspended from school for a term?
I think not.
If one happens to post a picture of herself kissing her sister's cheek, would you do such a thing?
Highly improbable.
How about if one posts a picture of herself, in uniform, kissing her boyfriend's cheek when he is also in uniform?
By gosh! What on earth would the public think of that?
Absolutely nothing, i can tell you, quite honestly. The older generation might frown at it but everybody else, parents included, would think it terribly sweet that the couple share something so very innocent and special, like a kiss on the cheek. Rather than making out and practically having sex in that picture.

Now, how about if the girl is in uniform and she is kissing her friend's cheek. A friend who is female. What would your first thought be?
Because honestly speaking, that seems much more acceptable than a picture of a girl kissing her boyfriend's cheek.

Obviously, that has not been treated as such, which is my grouse with a school i used to love so terribly.
It is plain to see that they are taking such melodramatic actions towards the few girls who happen to have pictures kissing each other's cheek, simply because of their insecurity about the stigma attached to the school name.
But please, your school is not the only school with such a problem.

Being a single sex school, the public is fully aware that homosexual relationships are highly likely to develop. Whether or not it is accepted is completely different.
No one blames the school and few would blame the students.
For some, it is no more than a phase and a stage which they go through and eventually grow out of. For others, they know that their sexual preference is for those of the same sex.
Everyone knows this and none condemn it.

Why should you?

It is all too clear, that you are building cases on something you deem as a "problem" in your school. A glitch, an imperfection.
And you are taking deliberate steps to condemn the "culprits" of such "problematic cases".
Proving to yourself that, you are in control of the situation and hoping these drastic measures taken against behaviour which vaguely hints at homosexuality will scare your student body.
You want them to fear you. You seem to get such an incredible orgasmic high from penalizing these poor students, reducing them to tears and hacking mercilessly away at their precious self esteem.
You want the students' fear of having the same thing happening to them to prevent them from any homosexual inkling that they might have dared to lend their mind to for even the briefest second.
You hope, desperately, so very desperately, that your actions will thus, in this way, completely rid your school of homosexuals and you will have the perfect school. The perfect school which is single sex and yet, not infamous for homosexuality.

May i now ask you, with all due respect, how different are you from Hitler?
The man who had this great obsession to create a perfect race and made drastic actions to rid his country of Jews.
You're like Lord Farquad in Shrek 1, who decided that Fairytale creatures were poisoning his perfect little kingdom and proceeded to terminate all of them.

In your self-righteousness you are blind, blind to the fact that some of these students, before you picked them out for such a petty little case, have done nothing but worship the God you worship, clean up the mess you leave behind at school functions and undergo training to equip themselves with greater skill in order to serve you better than they already do.
You are blind to the fact that some of these students are taking their O levels this year and are sitting for their Chinese O level exam in a few weeks time.
What are you doing, fool?
What are doing to these students who have never consciously, maliciously or deliberately defamed your school and brought you dishonour?
These same students who consciously, with all their heart, soul, mind and every ounce of effort they are made up of, have instead, brought you such honour and such glory.
What are you doing to them?
what are you doing to them?

Do your actions make you feel better about yourself? Does it make you feel more pure and holy?

I myself struggle with my beliefs, mainly Christianity. Would you like to know why?
It is because of they hypocrisy i have had to live with and couldn't help but study.
It is because of you.
Everyday you pray, everyday you sing praises, everyday you ask that the Lord make you a better person.
And yet, everyday you pull out students who have hair which is too long, or have hair which is too short.
Everyday you shout at those students who refuse to sing the praises that you do.
Everyday you condemn the students who are different and who stand out.

You scold a student for lying, you shout at her, scream at her and throw demerit points at her.
But when the mother of the child bursts into your office demanding why you shouted at her child so loud that she could hear it on the other side of the door,
you turn around, smiling and say,
"Oh but i wasn't shouting at your child. i was merely asking her a question."

You interrogate us on our moral values, but where, may i ask,
are yours?

"Let he who has done no wrong, cast the first stone."

And oh! I'm sure you never had an inkling of romanticism for someone of the same gender which is why you're allowed to point the finger, isn't that right?
Do you know how many people in your school today are perfectly straight, but don't appear to be? And do you know, that when you pick them out and punish them for looking like they're not straight, their young minds start to think that
"maybe I'm like this because i was supposed to be a boy/girl"

Do you know, thanks to what you've done, another student would have entered your school straight but would have left, thinking they're not. And they will spend their lives wondering what doesn't fit and why everything seems the wrong way up.

"Tough love" did you say it was? That this was a fact of life? Like how one has to learn the hard way, like a mother reprimands her son for taking a lollipop he shouldn't have?
Do you know what i think is "tough love"?
Watching you, drown in your hypocrisy and lies, knowing how much i love you, as a school, and yet, i want to hate you so much. For everything you've done to me, and my friends.
Watching you point a finger at me for the possibility of being a homosexual and trying to make me feel bad about it when it is i, who feel sorry for you.
You sad, lone person who is so fearful of what he doesn't know.

Tough love, is a mother watching her son reach for the hot iron after she has warned him about it, watching him get burned and cry, feeling his pain. But she is still there, cleaning his wound and comforting him.

I, we, will live the rest of our lives making our own mistakes. Finding what we should and should not believe in. We'll make love with the wrong people, the opposite sex, or the same. But we will stand naked, without false pretenses unlike you.
We will watch you shrivel up like a prune when your actions come back to haunt you,
when your wife leaves you for another woman or when your husband leaves because you threw him out of bed for jacking off under the covers.

we might say "i told you so" or we might not,
you taught us to be gracious and so, unlike you, we will not rub your faces in the dirt, when the time comes.

The world will see that we have grown up stronger as a person, more confident of our sexuality,
more confident than you.
And as much as we'd hate to, we just might say that it is thanks to you, a school we once served in,
who, thanks to your condemnation and discrimination, made us believe only more firmly that the world is cruel, but we are who we are.
We will be thankful that we didn't grow up to be hypocrites, like you.

Maybe we'll find our God, maybe we'll believe in Him again.
Because oh, i do want to.
I will learn from your mistakes.
Gay or not, i will love myself.
Gay or not, i will love my children.

Do you know what you're afraid of?
No, you're not afraid of the public eye as you claim to be.
It is not that you fear public scrutiny or fear the image projected of your school.

What you are afraid of, is something slightly different from what you're used to.
The world is changing, homosexuality, more acceptable.
And you, my friend, are afraid of that.

More than that,
i think you are afraid of yourself.
That secretly, you are just like us.
a creature, needy for love, sex and even God at the same time.
But you refuse to admit that you're even remotely like us,
human.
i feel sorry for you, i really do.

What i feel pissed off about,
is you, all of you, getting your little spies who are in desperate need of power,
to find out about your student body and grass on them.
What happened to your united student body?
Sooner or later, this will come out.
it will fall open into the hands of everybody, and what will you have,
to say for your sorry, scheming selves?

This isn't like an old case, where a member of the public reported it to you.
The picture in question, is by far,
infinitely cleaner and in no way, tarnishes your name, or whatever reputation that you'd like to think you have.
Still,
you choose deliberately to punish the girls involved, keep them on their toes for right now,
and hanging on to a bare thread, in fear for their lives.

There will only be so much a student can take,
soon this will come full circle, back to you.

For now, we'll wipe away the tears our friends have shed, and we'll wipe our own.
we will regain our dignity and walk off knowing who we are,
and more importantly, what we are.
And it is you, whom we feel sorry for.

You might've thought you've won,
in your warped disillusioned little mind.
We'll give you your incredible orgasmic high and we,
we will be pissed off.

But being pissed off and stronger,
is better than being plain stupid.

Disclaimer:
whether this post is about a fictional or non-fictional event is up to you to decide.
But i assure you, that any resemblance or familiarity that any of these words bear, is purely coincidental

- xoxo
charis loves you
11:14 AM

(0) comments

Friday, May 18, 2007

it's so hard to get over this,

this whole mess

it's so hard to wrap my brain round it.

and it's so terribly hard to stop asking why.

whywhywhy.

why now, after two and a half years?

what made you give up?

and i'm sure my questions are annoying the hell out of you.

but i can't help it.

you can't tell me that we won't work out now

i've tried that on you before and you,

you just threw it back at me.

no,

i'm not ready, and i doubt i ever will be,

to just go out with you or be on the phone without once,

trying,trying again and asking.

for someone who is a terrible commitment phobe,

i got passed that,

guided or shoved, i got past it with you

and because of you.

as much as i feel the same way too,

i don't know.

maybe it's two and a half years of you convincing me how stupid and childish i was being

by insisting that it won't work out now.

two and a half years of you telling me that if we're not gonna work through this now,

we probably won't work out even if we tried again later on.

i thought i had managed to get to a point where i could think clearly.

where i could sit down and finally ask you,

what is it that you want.

do you want me to wait for you?

do you want me, the both of us to move on and see where we end up?

but i know i was wrong.

i havn't gotten to that point yet,

and i don't know if i ever will.

the end to my torment seems so far out of sight and helplessly,

i'm crawling around trying to find my way out of this tunnel you've left me in.

bit by bit, i've tried, best as i can to begin to let go of you.

i've slowly deleted your texts.

one of the two remaining says:

"i loved you for the past two years. i have.

so so much.

and i've promised i'll love you til the end of time.

through ups and downs i know i'll still love you because i'm yours forever.

Happy new year babe. wholely yours infinite ever."

do you know what i think?

i think i was a fool.

i've never been one to promise forever and ever,

i never thought it possible.

but you made me get around that.

and finally, i managed it.

i managed to believe in us enough to look you in the eye and say,

i'll be yours forever and i won't leave you.

when we passed our official 364th day, i decided that.

i had grown and changed and no more would i throw around carelessly

the "let's just forget it" line.

no more.

but.

so here we are, aren't we? again?

"not right now"

but the fact of the matter is,

soon i won't ask my questions and later won't come.

i'll grow and even though i think i can't right now,

i will.

and then it'll just be a point in my life which i'll look back on and tear,

but just a little.

you, me, us, him, we.

and everything's that's ever happened,

everything that we've ever gone through and experienced.

all the shit from both sides of our family.

it will all be memories and tears and dust,

bottled and boxed up and put up on a shelf.

your name will always be tattooed on my ankle,

your smell embedded in my skin,

and your kiss, always lingering on the edge of my lips.

your face, your smile an engraved portrait on my heart,

the tattered canvas.

i need a while to myself so,

i'm gonna stop blogging here.

and just,

pretty much keep to myself and lick my wounds.

i'll be okay.

i'll be okay

- xoxo
charis loves you
5:40 PM

(0) comments

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

and i suppose you're getting used to it already
of course,
you're moving on, you're moving on
you don't have to call me up to tell me that what i'm thinking is
ever so wrong
cos it's not, is it?

after all,
i'm the one who still has a picture of us on my nightstand,
on my dresser and just about everwhere else in the room.
i'm the one who still falls asleep thinking about the last time i fell asleep in your arms,
gawd,
thinking it was the safest place in the world.
i'm the one who still blogs about you nonstop.
you know, don't you? we both do.(:
i'm the one who still has a special you-only catorgory in my msn list for you.
i'm the one who's still terribly in love.

why do you still tell me you miss me.
(she thinks it's so sweet)
why do i dare to wonder if you still love me
when i know i can't think that,
and more importantly, when i know
how unlikely it is for us to ever be together again.

it sounds beautiful enough.
but i know how things go.
and even if five, ten years on i still love you.
i'm not going to want to be with you.
because, swear to God,
i'll be too fucking scared.

letting go once has been hard enough,
twice has sent my life into turmoil.

i won't feel this way again,
i promise you.

so i have to let go,
too.

one day at a time girl,
one day at a time

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:50 AM

(0) comments

okayyy

SO
for once i'm not going on about him
it's just something i need to get off my chest

this person's really nice and all, and is quite a nice friend.
aneeewayyy,
this friend has been
zomg!dghwfhwoiefhihfhswghoghrgaef-ly
claustrophobic.

HELLO
i just got out of a relationship, and i mean,
the only person i don't have much of a problem telling my second-by-second actions is my ex.
and like.
gawd!

i mean,
this person's nice and all.
and a nice friend.
we're not tight
but suddenly i'm getting stuff like
"where are you now,"
"what're you doing"

ZOMG!
somebody help meeeeeeeeee!

i'm getting quite peeved with this, rather tiny matter
and i need like desperate help.
it's gawdfucking awful!

FUCK SIA!

okay, i just really needed to say that.
my ahlian side does show up once in a while.
or like, like every full moon!
like were-wolf style!
hahahahahahahaha

okay, shutup charis.
stop laughing at your own jokes about yourself

):

ANOTHER THING

now we all know how i don't really get pissed off that easily.
how i flash my bitch smile when asian friends/relatives declare how much weight i've lost/gained.
whatever
i have lost 7kg since march. YAY ME(:

i know i'm fat, and i don't really have a problem with people telling me that.
but
i do have a problem,
(this applies very much to Asians who have no social etiquette)
with people who tell me how much weight i've put on within the first 60 seconds of seeing me in like a whole year.

like WHATTHEFUCK.

ahlaooo!
i havn't seen you for a year and a half!
the least you can manage is a hello, right?

in these cases,
because i've grown so terirbly tired of them,
i would flash my bitch smile and go,
"really! i just lost 7kg!"

enough.

okay
i know this is incredibly small compared to vicky's recent case of a raving lunatic spamming her board and spazzing around.

BUT
some dumbass anon who watch the kids central show, tagged mommy's board saying
"lol. your daughter looks fat"

1)the camera adds ten pounds and no,
it's not just an excuse

2) well hello to you too dumbass. i'm not on tv for the next top model

fuck
it pissed me off
especially since i was just starting out a
letsgocrazyandstopeating diet.

it stopped midway between a
cryandthrowup feeling and a
getsopissedandthrowbitchfit feeling.

SO
being the darling that i was,
this is what i replied to anon:
to anon(if you ever come back here),
OMG!I KNOW I'M FAT but you really need to go
FUCK yourself so you'll feel better about yourself and
THUS, won't get such an incredible high from dissing people you see on tv!
ALL MY LOVE

UGH
cannot stand these people!

i think chris sounds like a dyke.
i hope my twinnie doesn't see this!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
and if you do twin,
I LOVE YOU

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:17 AM

(0) comments

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

one day at a time,
each step as it comes

i will do this, i will

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:21 AM

(0) comments

Monday, May 14, 2007

i will be stronger now,
for what else am i to do?

i will start to let go off the memories i hold so tight in my fist,
and so close to my heart.

do you know what you did to me?
i do,
but i will be stronger now.

i realized something,
since what happened, i've been drinking every single day.
especially the week which has just passed.
do you know how terribly scary that is for me?
because loving to drink is one thing,
but instead of cutting, it has become my crutch.

and so
i'll take this week or two to get off that.
because i probably only think that it makes me feel better when,
in actual fact,
i'm putting my growing liver through quite a bit of hell.

i've got a competition coming up so it's something to focus on.
even though, it's not like i'm lacking in things to focus on.
i've got mid years and i'll have to start on those too

i'll be leaving the country on the first.
(OMG! YES ALL BY MYSELF!)
haha.
and meeting my family wherever it is we're planning on going.

shame about the boyfriend thing,
i was terribly excited about introducing him to my aunt.

c 'est la vie, oui?

meanwhile,
i'm terribly grateful to the friends who have managed to be around for me.

so now it's my turn,
and i really do have a whole lot to do.
i thought i had bounced back, but it was pretty much just a false front.
but now, i'll begin to pick up the pieces of my life again.
it's my life, and i'll do exactly what i want with it.

this really did become a pivotal moment in my life.
first true love, first proper boyfriend.
and golly, we lasted more than those few months.
it was a beautiful two and a half years and a whole lot of memories which slowly,
one has to start letting go off.

it's taught me so much.
and i've realized how painful it is to give your heart away like that.
maybe we ended up going too fast and that was the problem.
one thing's for sure,
i'll take my own advice, fully recover and,
sadly, i'll admit,
be ever so careful about falling in love.

i never want to feel like this again, ever.
but with each new love,
comes more pain and less hope.
i tire of things too easily, unless of course, it's passion-driven.

i will be safe,
and keep myself from what might hurt me.
no,
this will not happen again.

it won't be long before,
everything will be better.

too alarming now to talk it out
take your picture down
and shake em out
truth or consequence,
say it aloud.
use that evidence,
race it around.

there goes my hero
watch him as he goes
there goes my hero
he's ordinary

so here's to getting my life back in order,
here's to making it out on my own.

i'm picking up the pieces,
i'm gonna be stronger now.

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:19 PM

(0) comments

Sunday, May 13, 2007

2 years ago
1) How old were you?~ fourteen
2) Where did you go to school?~ Paya Lebar Methodist Girls' School Secondary
3) Where did you work?~ I didn't work
4) Where did you live?~ Pasir Ris
5) Where did you hang out?~ downtown east,park, beach
6) Did you wear glasses?~ on and off, but usually contacts
7) Who was your good friend(s)?~ bird, vick,alastair
8) How many piercings did you have?~ eight
9) What car did you drive?~ didn't drive
10) Had your heart broken?~ not exactly
11) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?~ dating

1 year ago
1) How old were you?~ fifteen
2) Where did you go to school?~ PLMGSS, still
3) Where did you work?~ i gave out flyers
4) Where did you live?~ pasir ris
5) Where did you hang out?~ gardens, pasir ris, tampines
6) Did you wear glasses?~ on and off, but still contacts msot of the time
7) Who were your good friends?~ bird, ann, vick, dory, alastair, twin, calista
8) Who was your crush?~ alastair(:
9) How many tattoos did you have?~ one, or rather a pair of pawprints
10) How many piercings did you have?~ nine
11) What car did you drive?~ didn't drive
12) Had your heart broken?~ not completely, but i went through my share of heartache
13) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?~ taken and happy

Today
1) How old are you?~ sixteen
2) Where do you work?~ i don't work other than once in a while, filming
3) Where do you live?~ Lorong Ah Soo
4) Do you wear glasses?~ yepp(:
5) Who are your good friends?~ vick,bird,ann,dory,twin, alastair
6) Do you talk to your old friends?~ of course
7) How many piercings do you have?~ ten
8) How many tattoos?~ three, and a fourth soon!
9) What kind of car do you have?~ don't have one yet
10) Has your heart been broken?~ completely and utterly
11) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?:~ single

- xoxo
charis loves you
3:53 PM

(0) comments

but i keep your memory,
you visit me in my sleep.

well, i was right after all.
what i thought would happen, did happen.
and just when i thought i didn't have any tears left.
you'll always prove me wrong my darling, always.

it's so hard to wrap my mind around it, everything.
i suppose it was hard for you too, when i gave out my own dose of shit.
still.

like i've told you, over and over again.
what i can't understand is why you would return me all my things
when you still tell me/told me that you loved me and that maybe we'll work out another time.

hanging out with tim and hearing him talk about his girlfriend,
gawd it's so bloody fucking sweet.
and i can almost imagine you doing that about a year ago too.

promising forever and ever, and ever.
"no babe, i'll never ever leave you"
because
"how do you expect me to live without you"

and,
if we can't work it out now, how would we later on.
pulling through this would make us stronger.

i would laugh, out loud in fact,
if it didn't ring so painfully in my ears.
and i'd just say to him,
"you can't let her emotionally blackmail you"

and he replies,
"she's my wife, i know we're meant to be.
she's got every right to emotionally blackmail me"

oh memory, sweet memory.

of course, perhaps we didn't think that we'd be tied just because we gave ourselves to each other.

it's too complex a subject,
so it's best not to overthink it.

two nights ago i looked at his ring.
how he wore it on his fourth finger and held it up for me.
"it's a commitment ring. people don't even need to ask."
how he was so happy with it even though he was frustrated with his girlfriend's lack of understanding.
and i thought of you,
how towards the end you hardly wore your ring.
how my mother kept on and on saying that's what my father did too.
i took out my ring, your ring.
the one you'd given me 18 months ago.
it was just like yesterday and i remember it so, so beautifully.
i slipped it on to my finger, so perfect.
just like it's always been, just like i've always felt when i put it onto my finger.

but of course, i had to pull it off my finger.
it doesn't belong there anymore, does it?
it's not even mine anymore.
our love forever is no more than,
pretty words engraved onto a pretty ring.
irreplaceable and ever so special.

i know i will have to let go,
so i will
three years from now, you can't expect me to be the fourteen year old you thought you fell i love with.
go on with your accusations, go on.
contradict every other thing you say.

what i did once, was a mistake.
but you're proud to say that you know what you're doing
and that this,
isn't a mistake.

so go ahead and live in your own confusion

maybe i'll wake up one day,
realizing i can't wake up anymore.
then there, i will find my own release

- xoxo
charis loves you
2:08 PM

(0) comments

Friday, May 11, 2007

it's been a while now,
and i'm stopping the addictive feeling of curling up and crying.

i can't anymore, you know.
it's like i ran out of tears.

but i'm trying to stop drowing myself in godknowshowmany glasses of drink a day, and i've even found myself strong enough to toss out my cigarette when i wasn't done.

it's not easy
but i can't be so terribly dependent on people to hear me cry.
especially with everyone's mid years and what nots.

i'm stronger now.
though it doesn't mean you're not the last person i think about before i go to sleep,
or the person i whisper goodnight to.

anyway,
i found myself quite unable to go back to sleep after i got up at 9am.
my brain's still quite tired and i feel like going jogging.

i seriously have been trying to change my disgusting sleeping habits.
since before i started private school, i was sleeping an average of about 12 hours a day.
yes,
you read those numbers correctly.

disgusting eh?
not to mention rather disturbing.
even for me

but recently it's been better,
though a slow progression.
this is the earliest i've woken up in ages.

more than that,
is that i stayed up til half past 1 in the morning tidying up my room.

yes, OMFG!
charis tidies up her room!
i admit, i'm horribly lazy so i tend to leave things around and they sort of accumulate.
kind of like my homework.
soon i have piles of godknowswhat lying around my room
and dozens of dustbunnies who were born just to join in the party on my floor and in the dark corners under my bed and stuff.
plus, because i have long hair, or used to, now it's half long hair,
i've got an uncontrolled hairfall amount.
so there's always hair all over the place.

BUT
last night i swept the floor.
and you know,
one thing led to another
(and my broom makes sweeping rather addictive,
it's not really a broom. more like those magic clean things?)

so one thing led to another and pretty soon i was moving stuff out of the way,
so i wouldn't be doing a slapdash job.
and of course,
when you move things out of the way, you don't shove them back into place messily.
so rearranging stuff near my bed, under the table made that part of my room look
bigger.
much bigger.
not to mention nicer-looking.
so i proceeded to do the same with the messier part of my room.

i've been planning this massive cleanup for months on end, really.
it's just that, at one shot, it's a huge mess to cleanup.
so what happens is that my room is always left to rot until i can't stand it anymore.

ANYWAY
my room is now gorgeously gorgeous!
and i am so so soooo happy.
lots of laundry to do now though, thank God it's not raining.

i do wonder what'll happen today,
because i have this feeling, that i shouldn't be too estatic about anything.
and that just as it could be a beautiful thing, it might just as well be a painfully horrible thing.
we'll see

bounce bounce, bounce bounce back

- xoxo
charis loves you
9:33 AM

(0) comments

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

you took my hand, you showed me how
you promised me you'd be around

i took your words and i believed,
in everything you said to me.

if someone said three years from now,
you'd be long gone
i'd stand up and punch them out
cos they're all wrong

i know better.
cos you said forever, and ever

who knew?

when someone said count your blessings now,
before they're long gone
i guess i just didn't know how
i was all wrong.

they knew better.
still, you said forever, and ever.
who knew?

if someone said three years from now,
you'd be long gone
i'd stand up and punch them all out
cos they're all wrong.

That last kiss, i'll cherish
until we meet again.
and time makes it harder,
i wish i could remember
but i keep your memory
you visit me in my sleep

oh my darling,
who knew?

my darling, who knew?

- xoxo
charis loves you
11:00 AM

(0) comments

well really,
thank you so much for bothering to reply my texts

i've just about given up already.
who knew, eh?

no one thought you'd be the one who'd leave,
and everyone, or maybe it was just my imagination,
figured that i'd be the stronger one.

it's strange coming to terms with the fact that,
that is not so.
i'm the one crumpling up on the bed,
kissing your picture goodnight,
and trying to push away images of the last time you held me in that same bed which i now have to sleep on.
Meanwhile, you've started up with your new life,
you've moved on, it's so easy to see.
i suppose the first couple of days where i could be strong was when you were crumbling.
now the roles are swapped,
but as much as i don't want to.
i'll be holding on longer.

in a month, i'll probably have to watch your heart soar as you make new promises of infinite ever.
after all, it didn't take for you to move on the last time.
and i really don't mean that in a bitchy way.

i should really get a life.
crying myself to sleep at night, waking up and crying.
pouring myself a drink, lighting a cigarette and crying.
it's hard to stop it because i kinda held it in for quite a while.
i pretended to be strong i think.

This just had to happen, didn't it?
and perfect timing too.
a month before my big competition and Mid years,
as well as during my friends' mid years so i find myself quite alone.
not to mention that it's O level year for me.
well and truly, what better timing.

i need to get myself together,
put back the pieces of my life.
it's my turn to have to let go off you and move on,
just like you've managed to do.

who knows what will happen?
because i thought i did, without a doubt.
but the world has a way of proving us wrong again and again.

maybe it was the tattoo that jinxed us!
haha

my first joke in ages,but i'm getting there.
i will cope because i have to.
and everyone knows i don't do things just because i have to.

but you seem fine, brilliant in fact.
so i should be too.

so much so for infinite evers,
& forever and evers.

there goes my hero,
watch him as he goes

So much so for promising never to leave,
not like my dad.

there goes my hero,
he's ordinary

the second man who left,
you're ordinary too.
just in a special way.

- xoxo
charis loves you
10:04 AM

(0) comments

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

and so,
i'll relight my cigarettes
and finish off that bottle of wine.
yes my dear,
the one that we were supposed to share on our anniversary.

i'll play those cds we used to listen to together,
and relive the memories that come with it.
i'll watch and rewatch that very first movie we watched together,
the one where i leaned over and kissed you first.

i'll read through those texts,
bury them inside me and then delete them.
so that it won't ring with such,
a painful reminder.

Pull the covers up and fix the old heater.
you're not around to keep me warm anymore,
but who's fault is that?

i'll keep hoping,
hoping and praying that this
will turn out to be,
no more than a nightmare.

and maybe,
just maybe.
the one waking me up to kiss away my tears,
will be you.

it's over now, isn't it?
there isn't a last say.

yes, i will dissolve,
and become the remnants of the sorry little mess i am.

simply because i don't have many alternative ways to cope.
what works once, will always work again.
and again
and again.

you used to be the one i'd run to
but,
i never figured out what would happen when,
you're the one i have to let go of.

have i really changed,
so much that you can never love me again?
i've asked countless people, you know.

i know i have changed,
just like we all do.
i guess when you changed, i fell deeper in love with you.
loving you all over again,
without even having to try.
whereas,
for you.

you can't find it in yourself to love me anymore.
maybe i've become too different for you.

but i will say,
thank you.
for being the man i knew you were,
when we first became friends.
even better, actually.

i'm sorry,
that after everything you said we'd pull through.
"Nothing can stand in our way"
has just become a phrase which i'll keep safe,
within the secrets of my heart.

that first night,
when i gave myself to you,
i knew with all my heart,
that i'd never regret it.
because you were and you are
someone i truly loved, and always will love.
with all my heart.

what happens now?

after you've found your other half,
your perfect other half and you realize you have to let that person go.
No,
just because they're your perfect half doesn't mean it doesn't take work.
i see that now.

but what happens?
do you move on, and settle for less?

or do you hang on,
and watch your other half find another half that will very probably better than you?
what happens?
where do you go?

how in the world do you pick yourself up.
how do you drop something you've held so close for so long?

please, please. come save me soon

- xoxo
charis loves you
2:41 PM

(0) comments

Monday, May 07, 2007

i don't know where we are right now,

and i'm not sure i wanna know where we're going.

i really don't get it, i really really don't.

you asked for this but yet you're telling me this kills you

and when it's a tad bit more obvious who's the one moving on,

you're asking me if i've moved on.

i've already told you before

that i can't get over you.

i could end up married to someone else with kids

but you'll still be terribly special to me

loving someone is hard,

but it's not meant to be this hard

or this painful.

maybe that's why we're in this situation now.

it scares me,

how within two and half years,

we've hit peaks and grazed the lowest points of our relationships.

yet we end up here,

too in love and wondering where we're gonna go from here.

i'm not dead, just floating

- xoxo
charis loves you
12:45 PM

(0) comments

Sunday, May 06, 2007

when it was you who said goodbye,
how could you not realize?

i thought we'd be okay from hereon,
i mean,
at least we heard each other out right?

but i never saw where this'd be going.
i never saw myself in the hole i feel like i'm in

nobody knows
nobody know the rhythm of my heart.
the way my body feels when it's lying in the dark

but all i could think of was how somebody did know.
just one,
special person who did know the rhythm of my heart,
and the way my body felt in the dark.
so how can it be that i feel i need to let go of this person now?

don't degrade us to just the usual teenage lover's tiff
because now it's painful,
and terribly tough

and i don't know what to do

but i do know i love you,
and i just want you to be happy

- xoxo
charis loves you
12:47 AM

(0) comments

Saturday, May 05, 2007

perhaps it's all i can take

hitting that familiar cold place were my voice echoes off the walls,

and comes back to me like a tease.

restless,

math class was a stretch, a bore

not because i was doing questions like snapsnap

but because i needed to know what was going on

both in math class as well as out of math class

my mind couldn't keep still and yet

was so fucking dizzy from thinking so much over the past week

it's been too long a week for me, not that i didn't get a lot of things done.

i had a haircut, in case anyone wanted to know.

and i dyed it again, a slightly more obvious red.

i love the new look, so why am i so discontented?

oh we know the answer alright.

of course we do,

it's always the same isn't it?

straight relationships, gay relationships, relationships that are officially unofficial.

whatever the case

i've held it in, set myself a date to think over this whole thing.

"do you think i still love you after this week?"

i'm rethinking my answer for that too, now.

of course you do, but you don't have time and you don't want to make the time right now.

i'm pissed off enough, and i'll tell you one thing for sure,

when i'm pissed off, i'm bloodyfucking honest.

without warning, we were thrown into the week

devoured whole and kept apart

but at the given chance, at the opportune time, you chose not to make that extra effort.

busybusybusy

oh of course you are, now aren't we all?

so you don't text unless you decide that you remember you miss me,

or most of the time, it's just to ensure i'm not busy with somebody other than you.

isn't that right? isn't it?

other than that, i'm left with my silent phone.

but if i walk off for a minute and happen to miss your call by a couple of seconds,

i have a torrent of questions. all suspicious, all demanding.

too bad baby, you've gotten me started.

and i've barely begun.

you see a picture i put up and you express your distaste for it.

i ask why, and say it's nice because you took it.

i've already proceeded to remove the picture, the doormat i have slowly become.

picture's changed,

but you blow up.

"go do what you want" whatever whatever whatever

and you proceed to tell me you're storming off in a huff.

that was the final straw.

after everything that i've been holding in, for more than this entire week,

you blow up over a picture?

and not just blow up.

but like blow up big time.

i'm your problem, you say?

i have kept mum about the lack of importance i clearly am to you.

cried alone because i cannot find the words to tell myself.

i've tried talking to you, i've tried telling you so much

so many times

but you didn't listen

you turn it round and instead of saying,

well what do you want to do, what can i do? what can you do?

you say

well why're you still with me then?

i have shut up because i believed i had long lost the right to get hurt

when every other day, there is something you say that cuts so fucking deep.

"i think you're someone who wants people to want her"

"other people have been acting since 5 or 12. seriously, how big do you think you're gonna get"

"nightmares.oh the usual"

and the latest,

"nothing you tell me can stop me from feeling like that(worried and suspicious)

because i feel like that 24/7"

well i don't really know why you bother asking then, and why i bother to reply with either truths or lies.

done so much this week, knowing how you'd feel if i did otherwise.

if my expectations were ever too high, well there havn't been any expectations whatsoever these days.

how do i still get let down

the tears get me in every other class, on the train and every single night before i go to sleep.

and you can blow up over a picture?

thinking that i implied i didn't want to remove it?

my question now is,

what if i didn't want to remove it then? so what?

does that warrant you completely blowing up?

the fact is, it wasn't the case.

i completely saw where you were coming from and removed the picture

but you still had a problem.

this week's been a bitch.

okay, we all know that.

but more than all this and all that, i've been putting up with a lot of things and runing things over in my mind.

what do i keep journalling about everday?

"you and me" i answer,

now you know what, exactly.

not that you wouldn't have found out eventually anyway.

because you'd help yourself to my treasured pages even though i would've have read them to you,

even if you didn't ask.

that's yet another thing that hurts too.

of course along with how you don't believe every other word i say.

can i tell you that knowing that hurts me?

i don't know what to do now, i don't have any words left.

i've held in the tears for so long but i'm not quite ready for tomorrow's swollen eyes.

and how will i face you now?

i really don't know.

but you set me off, and now it's come to this.

it was the final straw, that broke the camel's back.

so small a thing, so tiny.

you even asked me why i do things to push you away.

well,

why do you do things that push me away

you'll read this and sigh and get all depressive and introspective.

you'll say how this is all your fault all over again, how you're the bad guy or at least how i make it seem like you are.

you're not. but you won't listen.

you'll talk about throwing yourself out a window and how it'll benefit the rest of the world.

i'm taking none of it, because it's not true.

nobody's fucking perfect, i never asked you to to be perfect

because you were fucking perfect enough for me.

and then this.

i've held it in longer than i can bear because perhaps i'll never get over what i did to you and i think i don't have a right to tell you how i still do get hurt these days.

but i'm here and i'm telling you now.

you blew up over something ridiculously small and silly which has,

unfortunately,

set me off.

i do rant, maybe this has gone in circles but it's been playing non stop in my dizzy tired brain.

do i know if you love me, now?

honestly?

i'm not very sure anymore.

i do know that i do still love you though,

but loving a person doesn't necessarily mean you can have that person.

- xoxo
charis loves you
2:06 AM

(0) comments

Friday, May 04, 2007

i'm starting up my storytelling agaaaaain!
that's a good thing, yo.haha

now it's gonna be at Sengkang library and next week,
i'm actually holding a storytelling session in Rivervale Primary
(:(:(:(:(:

anyway!

here's getting some things straight.
i've heard from an old friend that apparently word has gone round that i was kicked out of plmgss.

nownow,
please know that i would probably say so if i really was.
as is,
NO, i wasn't kicked out of PL.
I was suspended, the period set to be a full term.
BUT
i chose to leave the school, as much as i really do love it, even up til now.

upon my withdrawel from the school,
in which the letter my mother wrote told about how Mr. Tang expressed that the school actually didn't want me in anymore,
Mrs Lee then replied saying that it was a huge misunderstanding and that no such thing was expressed and
"of course, we didn't want charis out of the school"

whatever, because what's been done is done and i am
supercalifragilisticexpealidociously HAPPYHAPPYHAPPY
at the new school i'm in.

i love PL, and i've got a fuck load of memories which i gurantee you,
will always always always be there.

i know i probably let a whole bunch of people down, and i really am sorry.
when you're a student and the teachers juggle marking a million papers as well as
dealing with kids who seem to spell trouble,
both student and teacher clash in every single way.
but when you're out of the situation,
(and you should know that you only realize this after you're completely out of the situation)
those teachers who used to pick on you(picking on is undeniable by the way)
the same ones that you used to practice voodoo on(just kidding)
are the ones who smile at those memories with you, crazy as they were.

what you go through in Secondary school makes you who you are today.
PL made me who i am today.
you can take a girl out of PL, but you'll never take PL out of a girl.

so gawddamn cheesy, i know.
but it's true.
my best times and my worse times happened when i was in PL.
i might be all of sixteen years old right now, but it's true.
i've spent close to ten years in that school
(that school,oh just opposite me right now)
haha

i've only been in Singapore for about twelve, thirteen years.
PL, both primary and secondary, saw me through a lot of stuff.
threw me completely and utterly into acting which i realized i was passionate for.
i won't hesitate to admit it, even when i'm older and hopefully doing what i love most,
and that is if it wasn't for PL and casting me in the PL Musical, i wouldn't have realized just how much i love acting.
particularly stage rather than on film.
if they didn't believe in me, just during those months while i rehearsed with everyone,
i might not have believed in myself.

PL's played a huge role in my love for acting and singing and has really helped me endlessly.
and i'll admit, fullstop!
it was after the musical that i realized that i love acting as much as singing and that it was something i wanted to do for the rest of my life.
if not for the musical,
i wouldn't have gone on to do stage performances with ACSI, SYF and all that.

being in PL also forced me to realize that if you want something, you have to go do it yourself.
you have to go get it.
you can't ride on the backs of your contacts and networks forever
that's when the audtions come in.

i owe a lot to PL.
i won't deny i was put through hell though.
i hated the hypocrisy there, the strong Christian values taught when teachers could lie through their teeth and lie about lying.
now, a teacher reading this might think i'm defaming PL.
but it's true, and yes many would agree with me.
but human beings are just human beings after all,
and yes, teachers are human beings too.
lying is inevitable in some cases.
the only thing i couldn't stand is how they'd condemn you for lying,
yet turn around and do the same damn thing.

there's a hell lot of ups and downs with PL.
and i still love em.

SO
get your facts straight.

1) i wasn't kicked out, i left
2) i still love PL, even if the feeling isn't mutual

- xoxo
charis loves you
11:35 AM

(0) comments