Saturday, May 05, 2007
perhaps it's all i can take
hitting that familiar cold place were my voice echoes off the walls,
and comes back to me like a tease.
restless,
math class was a stretch, a bore
not because i was doing questions like snapsnap
but because i needed to know what was going on
both in math class as well as out of math class
my mind couldn't keep still and yet
was so fucking dizzy from thinking so much over the past week
it's been too long a week for me, not that i didn't get a lot of things done.
i had a haircut, in case anyone wanted to know.
and i dyed it again, a slightly more obvious red.
i love the new look, so why am i so discontented?
oh we know the answer alright.
of course we do,
it's always the same isn't it?
straight relationships, gay relationships, relationships that are officially unofficial.
whatever the case
i've held it in, set myself a date to think over this whole thing.
"do you think i still love you after this week?"
i'm rethinking my answer for that too, now.
of course you do, but you don't have time and you don't want to make the time right now.
i'm pissed off enough, and i'll tell you one thing for sure,
when i'm pissed off, i'm bloodyfucking honest.
without warning, we were thrown into the week
devoured whole and kept apart
but at the given chance, at the opportune time, you chose not to make that extra effort.
busybusybusy
oh of course you are, now aren't we all?
so you don't text unless you decide that you remember you miss me,
or most of the time, it's just to ensure i'm not busy with somebody other than you.
isn't that right? isn't it?
other than that, i'm left with my silent phone.
but if i walk off for a minute and happen to miss your call by a couple of seconds,
i have a torrent of questions. all suspicious, all demanding.
too bad baby, you've gotten me started.
and i've barely begun.
you see a picture i put up and you express your distaste for it.
i ask why, and say it's nice because you took it.
i've already proceeded to remove the picture, the doormat i have slowly become.
picture's changed,
but you blow up.
"go do what you want" whatever whatever whatever
and you proceed to tell me you're storming off in a huff.
that was the final straw.
after everything that i've been holding in, for more than this entire week,
you blow up over a picture?
and not just blow up.
but like blow up big time.
i'm your problem, you say?
i have kept mum about the lack of importance i clearly am to you.
cried alone because i cannot find the words to tell myself.
i've tried talking to you, i've tried telling you so much
so many times
but you didn't listen
you turn it round and instead of saying,
well what do you want to do, what can i do? what can you do?
you say
well why're you still with me then?
i have shut up because i believed i had long lost the right to get hurt
when every other day, there is something you say that cuts so fucking deep.
"i think you're someone who wants people to want her"
"other people have been acting since 5 or 12. seriously, how big do you think you're gonna get"
"nightmares.oh the usual"
and the latest,
"nothing you tell me can stop me from feeling like that(worried and suspicious)
because i feel like that 24/7"
well i don't really know why you bother asking then, and why i bother to reply with either truths or lies.
done so much this week, knowing how you'd feel if i did otherwise.
if my expectations were ever too high, well there havn't been any expectations whatsoever these days.
how do i still get let down
the tears get me in every other class, on the train and every single night before i go to sleep.
and you can blow up over a picture?
thinking that i implied i didn't want to remove it?
my question now is,
what if i didn't want to remove it then? so what?
does that warrant you completely blowing up?
the fact is, it wasn't the case.
i completely saw where you were coming from and removed the picture
but you still had a problem.
this week's been a bitch.
okay, we all know that.
but more than all this and all that, i've been putting up with a lot of things and runing things over in my mind.
what do i keep journalling about everday?
"you and me" i answer,
now you know what, exactly.
not that you wouldn't have found out eventually anyway.
because you'd help yourself to my treasured pages even though i would've have read them to you,
even if you didn't ask.
that's yet another thing that hurts too.
of course along with how you don't believe every other word i say.
can i tell you that knowing that hurts me?
i don't know what to do now, i don't have any words left.
i've held in the tears for so long but i'm not quite ready for tomorrow's swollen eyes.
and how will i face you now?
i really don't know.
but you set me off, and now it's come to this.
it was the final straw, that broke the camel's back.
so small a thing, so tiny.
you even asked me why i do things to push you away.
well,
why do you do things that push me away
you'll read this and sigh and get all depressive and introspective.
you'll say how this is all your fault all over again, how you're the bad guy or at least how i make it seem like you are.
you're not. but you won't listen.
you'll talk about throwing yourself out a window and how it'll benefit the rest of the world.
i'm taking none of it, because it's not true.
nobody's fucking perfect, i never asked you to to be perfect
because you were fucking perfect enough for me.
and then this.
i've held it in longer than i can bear because perhaps i'll never get over what i did to you and i think i don't have a right to tell you how i still do get hurt these days.
but i'm here and i'm telling you now.
you blew up over something ridiculously small and silly which has,
unfortunately,
set me off.
i do rant, maybe this has gone in circles but it's been playing non stop in my dizzy tired brain.
do i know if you love me, now?
honestly?
i'm not very sure anymore.
i do know that i do still love you though,
but loving a person doesn't necessarily mean you can have that person.
- xoxo
charis loves you
2:06 AM
peeeeektooores!(: