with |ove; me

Sunday, May 13, 2007

but i keep your memory,
you visit me in my sleep.

well, i was right after all.
what i thought would happen, did happen.
and just when i thought i didn't have any tears left.
you'll always prove me wrong my darling, always.

it's so hard to wrap my mind around it, everything.
i suppose it was hard for you too, when i gave out my own dose of shit.
still.

like i've told you, over and over again.
what i can't understand is why you would return me all my things
when you still tell me/told me that you loved me and that maybe we'll work out another time.

hanging out with tim and hearing him talk about his girlfriend,
gawd it's so bloody fucking sweet.
and i can almost imagine you doing that about a year ago too.

promising forever and ever, and ever.
"no babe, i'll never ever leave you"
because
"how do you expect me to live without you"

and,
if we can't work it out now, how would we later on.
pulling through this would make us stronger.

i would laugh, out loud in fact,
if it didn't ring so painfully in my ears.
and i'd just say to him,
"you can't let her emotionally blackmail you"

and he replies,
"she's my wife, i know we're meant to be.
she's got every right to emotionally blackmail me"

oh memory, sweet memory.

of course, perhaps we didn't think that we'd be tied just because we gave ourselves to each other.

it's too complex a subject,
so it's best not to overthink it.

two nights ago i looked at his ring.
how he wore it on his fourth finger and held it up for me.
"it's a commitment ring. people don't even need to ask."
how he was so happy with it even though he was frustrated with his girlfriend's lack of understanding.
and i thought of you,
how towards the end you hardly wore your ring.
how my mother kept on and on saying that's what my father did too.
i took out my ring, your ring.
the one you'd given me 18 months ago.
it was just like yesterday and i remember it so, so beautifully.
i slipped it on to my finger, so perfect.
just like it's always been, just like i've always felt when i put it onto my finger.

but of course, i had to pull it off my finger.
it doesn't belong there anymore, does it?
it's not even mine anymore.
our love forever is no more than,
pretty words engraved onto a pretty ring.
irreplaceable and ever so special.

i know i will have to let go,
so i will
three years from now, you can't expect me to be the fourteen year old you thought you fell i love with.
go on with your accusations, go on.
contradict every other thing you say.

what i did once, was a mistake.
but you're proud to say that you know what you're doing
and that this,
isn't a mistake.

so go ahead and live in your own confusion

maybe i'll wake up one day,
realizing i can't wake up anymore.
then there, i will find my own release

- xoxo
charis loves you
2:08 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.