with |ove; me

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

and so,
i'll relight my cigarettes
and finish off that bottle of wine.
yes my dear,
the one that we were supposed to share on our anniversary.

i'll play those cds we used to listen to together,
and relive the memories that come with it.
i'll watch and rewatch that very first movie we watched together,
the one where i leaned over and kissed you first.

i'll read through those texts,
bury them inside me and then delete them.
so that it won't ring with such,
a painful reminder.

Pull the covers up and fix the old heater.
you're not around to keep me warm anymore,
but who's fault is that?

i'll keep hoping,
hoping and praying that this
will turn out to be,
no more than a nightmare.

and maybe,
just maybe.
the one waking me up to kiss away my tears,
will be you.

it's over now, isn't it?
there isn't a last say.

yes, i will dissolve,
and become the remnants of the sorry little mess i am.

simply because i don't have many alternative ways to cope.
what works once, will always work again.
and again
and again.

you used to be the one i'd run to
but,
i never figured out what would happen when,
you're the one i have to let go of.

have i really changed,
so much that you can never love me again?
i've asked countless people, you know.

i know i have changed,
just like we all do.
i guess when you changed, i fell deeper in love with you.
loving you all over again,
without even having to try.
whereas,
for you.

you can't find it in yourself to love me anymore.
maybe i've become too different for you.

but i will say,
thank you.
for being the man i knew you were,
when we first became friends.
even better, actually.

i'm sorry,
that after everything you said we'd pull through.
"Nothing can stand in our way"
has just become a phrase which i'll keep safe,
within the secrets of my heart.

that first night,
when i gave myself to you,
i knew with all my heart,
that i'd never regret it.
because you were and you are
someone i truly loved, and always will love.
with all my heart.

what happens now?

after you've found your other half,
your perfect other half and you realize you have to let that person go.
No,
just because they're your perfect half doesn't mean it doesn't take work.
i see that now.

but what happens?
do you move on, and settle for less?

or do you hang on,
and watch your other half find another half that will very probably better than you?
what happens?
where do you go?

how in the world do you pick yourself up.
how do you drop something you've held so close for so long?

please, please. come save me soon

- xoxo
charis loves you
2:41 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.