with |ove; me

Monday, May 14, 2007

i will be stronger now,
for what else am i to do?

i will start to let go off the memories i hold so tight in my fist,
and so close to my heart.

do you know what you did to me?
i do,
but i will be stronger now.

i realized something,
since what happened, i've been drinking every single day.
especially the week which has just passed.
do you know how terribly scary that is for me?
because loving to drink is one thing,
but instead of cutting, it has become my crutch.

and so
i'll take this week or two to get off that.
because i probably only think that it makes me feel better when,
in actual fact,
i'm putting my growing liver through quite a bit of hell.

i've got a competition coming up so it's something to focus on.
even though, it's not like i'm lacking in things to focus on.
i've got mid years and i'll have to start on those too

i'll be leaving the country on the first.
(OMG! YES ALL BY MYSELF!)
haha.
and meeting my family wherever it is we're planning on going.

shame about the boyfriend thing,
i was terribly excited about introducing him to my aunt.

c 'est la vie, oui?

meanwhile,
i'm terribly grateful to the friends who have managed to be around for me.

so now it's my turn,
and i really do have a whole lot to do.
i thought i had bounced back, but it was pretty much just a false front.
but now, i'll begin to pick up the pieces of my life again.
it's my life, and i'll do exactly what i want with it.

this really did become a pivotal moment in my life.
first true love, first proper boyfriend.
and golly, we lasted more than those few months.
it was a beautiful two and a half years and a whole lot of memories which slowly,
one has to start letting go off.

it's taught me so much.
and i've realized how painful it is to give your heart away like that.
maybe we ended up going too fast and that was the problem.
one thing's for sure,
i'll take my own advice, fully recover and,
sadly, i'll admit,
be ever so careful about falling in love.

i never want to feel like this again, ever.
but with each new love,
comes more pain and less hope.
i tire of things too easily, unless of course, it's passion-driven.

i will be safe,
and keep myself from what might hurt me.
no,
this will not happen again.

it won't be long before,
everything will be better.

too alarming now to talk it out
take your picture down
and shake em out
truth or consequence,
say it aloud.
use that evidence,
race it around.

there goes my hero
watch him as he goes
there goes my hero
he's ordinary

so here's to getting my life back in order,
here's to making it out on my own.

i'm picking up the pieces,
i'm gonna be stronger now.

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:19 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.