with |ove; me

Friday, May 18, 2007

it's so hard to get over this,

this whole mess

it's so hard to wrap my brain round it.

and it's so terribly hard to stop asking why.

whywhywhy.

why now, after two and a half years?

what made you give up?

and i'm sure my questions are annoying the hell out of you.

but i can't help it.

you can't tell me that we won't work out now

i've tried that on you before and you,

you just threw it back at me.

no,

i'm not ready, and i doubt i ever will be,

to just go out with you or be on the phone without once,

trying,trying again and asking.

for someone who is a terrible commitment phobe,

i got passed that,

guided or shoved, i got past it with you

and because of you.

as much as i feel the same way too,

i don't know.

maybe it's two and a half years of you convincing me how stupid and childish i was being

by insisting that it won't work out now.

two and a half years of you telling me that if we're not gonna work through this now,

we probably won't work out even if we tried again later on.

i thought i had managed to get to a point where i could think clearly.

where i could sit down and finally ask you,

what is it that you want.

do you want me to wait for you?

do you want me, the both of us to move on and see where we end up?

but i know i was wrong.

i havn't gotten to that point yet,

and i don't know if i ever will.

the end to my torment seems so far out of sight and helplessly,

i'm crawling around trying to find my way out of this tunnel you've left me in.

bit by bit, i've tried, best as i can to begin to let go of you.

i've slowly deleted your texts.

one of the two remaining says:

"i loved you for the past two years. i have.

so so much.

and i've promised i'll love you til the end of time.

through ups and downs i know i'll still love you because i'm yours forever.

Happy new year babe. wholely yours infinite ever."

do you know what i think?

i think i was a fool.

i've never been one to promise forever and ever,

i never thought it possible.

but you made me get around that.

and finally, i managed it.

i managed to believe in us enough to look you in the eye and say,

i'll be yours forever and i won't leave you.

when we passed our official 364th day, i decided that.

i had grown and changed and no more would i throw around carelessly

the "let's just forget it" line.

no more.

but.

so here we are, aren't we? again?

"not right now"

but the fact of the matter is,

soon i won't ask my questions and later won't come.

i'll grow and even though i think i can't right now,

i will.

and then it'll just be a point in my life which i'll look back on and tear,

but just a little.

you, me, us, him, we.

and everything's that's ever happened,

everything that we've ever gone through and experienced.

all the shit from both sides of our family.

it will all be memories and tears and dust,

bottled and boxed up and put up on a shelf.

your name will always be tattooed on my ankle,

your smell embedded in my skin,

and your kiss, always lingering on the edge of my lips.

your face, your smile an engraved portrait on my heart,

the tattered canvas.

i need a while to myself so,

i'm gonna stop blogging here.

and just,

pretty much keep to myself and lick my wounds.

i'll be okay.

i'll be okay

- xoxo
charis loves you
5:40 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.