alone i was
before your love
when i saw you
i knew my life was touched

i saw your smile
and then i knew
that everything i felt
inside was true

i saw your smile
and then i knew
that i was gonna spend
my life with you


View My Stats

 

Friday, June 29, 2007

great, i didn't mean to have him miss his stop while checking through songs for me
now he says he's pissed off but it'll take a lot to believe that.

god.
i need a high enough window to throw myself out of

- xoxo
charis loves you
4:56 PM

(0) comments

and in our breathing, synchronized,
we fall asleep, entwined
one can tell neither the start, nor end
of each seperate body

my hand is yours, and yours,
mine
and even i, cannot tell either apart.

in the darkness we are far from lost,
and strangely comfortable
we fall asleep, dreaming of the other so real,
and waking up to find that it is


i bite my lip to keep the tears from falling,
keep my smile from faltering as i look up at you,
kiss the corner of your lips and tell you that
no, of course nothing's wrong, everything's fine.

disguised by my pretense of drunken unsteadiness,
i fall, willingly, into your open arms
i love you, like there was no difference between
today, yesterday and two months ago.

your touch is different, yet exactly the same.
i begin to count, unconsciously, the times you say i love you
and when you do, i pause too long before saying i love you too

i believe, when you ask me,
i do
i don't doubt, hardly.
i want to wait and i,
i love you too
i just, don't understand.

perhaps one is not supposed to be able to understand everything,
not everything.
but it's so hard to keep my tears and smile.
when i know, full well that
i still want to be with you.

and how,
tell me how, do i react when i tell you that i want to be yours but
you don't believe me?
are my words no more than child's chatter,
no please,
don't answer that.

i love you,
can you see that?
can you see me?
i love you, and no one's made me happier
no one's made me feel safer
why does it have to be like this?
if everything else is so,
so terribly clear,
why can't we be together?
why do i have to sound like i am begging for a love that refuses to be mine?

gosh.

this is so tough.
it's like,
we're alright.
not complete, but just, alright.

am i just being absolutely silly here?

am i?

might i be yours, sir? please?

- xoxo
charis loves you
2:38 PM

(0) comments

me like this peeektoore!

HAPPY NATIONAL SIBLING DAYYYYY!
WHOOOO!

yes, apparently it's National Sibling Day but only in like twenty-something states.
still.

so anyway, i had a greeeaaat time yesterday.
it was gorgeously fun and i didn't even get drunk!
whoo hoo.

my body is aching and i'm planning on changing my hair again.
haha.
like you know, having "undyed" hair and removing my extentions.
surprisingly, it's kinda hard looking after your hair when you've got extentions in them.

i've never had them in for this long, and i've barely hit a month with my hair extentions.
haha.
i just really like them cos they feel real and they're like, pink and purple.
excess washing is taking its effect though.

soooo.
i read my buu's blog, especially the bit about O's and stuff.
i don't think i've told anyone but,
as much as it doesn't seem it,
i'm just as scared.

sure, i don't have much to worry about in comparison to all my friends in PL.
nonetheless,
i'll admit, quite readily, that i am scared.

of course, i believe very strongly that one does not need a piece of paper to determine where you're going.
the rest of your life, your entire future should not be hinged on your O level certificate.
because as you continue on studying,
you'll find that the "your future" line is attached to every other exam.

the next big-assed exam will be your A levels or something.
or you'll be trying to get more certificates, more papers which state that you've got a degree or something.

the reason i want to do well for my O levels is so that i can get over it and move on.
It's so that i can say I've done it, and not just for the sake of doing it or because i had to.
It's because i actually want to.

yea, believe it.
i do actually want to do my O levels and do well.

thinking about the upcoming O levels gets my palms sweaty and i swear my eyeballs start rolling backwards and i'm about
this close to going into convulsions.

i woke up the other day wondering if it was a mistake to leave PL.
it's the enforced discipline i guess,
the excess work and lessons they give us which basically leave you with little time to yourself, but you have time to yourself at the end of the day.
my school on the other hand,
requires a lot of self-study.
there's so much free time that you don't know what is deserved and what is underserved.
it's up to oneself to study, and study hard.

there's pros and cons on both sides i guess

it's just scary,
knowing that O levels is exactly three months and three weeks away.
on top of that (i know i got myself into this, okay)
i've got Teenage Icon tomorrow,
and if i make it to semis, it's another performance in august.

there's also a reunion Skins shizzshazz which i can't wait to do.
it's also in august.

sigh
typing all this out and being truly realistic with myself,
i know i'm gonna have to study harder, a lot harder.
just so that i can afford to take time off for my rehearsals and whatnot.

oh gawd. i'm getting stupider!

me,sitting beside tv: hey this song is nice!
janice:yea
me: the guy looks familiar, who is it?
janice, narrowing eyes: Bon Jovi

yea, okayyyy
i guess i should get off the com and do something constructive.
my body's aching like a bitch

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:43 PM

(0) comments

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Woman #1: What the fuck are you pushing me for? You think you own this damn train, get the fuck off of me!
Man: Miss, I was just...
Woman #1: Just fucking what? I don't need to be feeling your ass up against my hands, nigga!Woman #2: Honey, just...
Woman #1: Bitch, you just shut up! All you motherfuckers, stop looking this way, this doesn't involve y'all!
Conductor over PA: Good afternoon, I hope everyone is having an enjoyable ride home...

OMG!
HHAHAHAHAAHHAHA
HILARIOUS!

Big black woman to son: I'm gonna smack you so hard, you're gonna taste it!
Son, wailing: I don't want to taste it!
Passerby: I don't want to taste it either.

THIS CAN ONLY HAPPEN IN AMERICA.
HAHAHAHA

Guy handing out fliers: Do you like stand-up comedy?
Goth girl: No! I hate happiness!

this kinda reminded me of an exaggerated drapes.
of course, she's not like that but yea well.

Student: Do I need to do the math extra credit project?!
Teacher: Yes, because on Friday when you come to me and ask if you are failing, I'm gonna laugh at you. Then you will go home and tell your family that I laughed at you. Then they will come up to school and yell at me and I'll laugh at them.

Singapore schools need weirdo teachers like this!

okay, i shall start commenting ABOVE the joke from now on.

i'm glad we dont see this everyday. but it's funny to read.
i hope you guys like, get it

Hobo to male passerby: Spare change? Anything helps -- God bless.
Passerby: Get a job.
Hobo: Get on your knees and give me a job!

In singapore, this would just be downright weird:

Hobo to man running for the train: You better run faster! That's the last train in the world!

okayokay,
i'm shutting up now.
nothing quite intelligent to say(:

- xoxo
charis loves you
2:48 PM

(0) comments

a reel of lesbian one-liners for my darlings! :

Father to kids cupping statue's penis: Come on, girls, it's time to leave. You'll be lesbians before you know it.
--Time Warner Center

Lesbian to pal: We could be the next big hit! Lesbians on ice!
--Times Square
Overheard by: Putting on her Ice Skating Shoes

Lesbian: You're upset that the woman could tell we're dykes. I'm upset that she insulted us because we're dykes.
--16th & 1st

Drunk redhead trying to hail C train: A hot dog in the hand is worth two lesbians in the bush.
--207th St station

AND THE BEST OF THE LOT!

Hobo: Beware the lesbians! They feed at sundown!
--E/V platform, 5th Ave

- xoxo
charis loves you
2:35 PM

(0) comments

Create your own Friend Test here

your turn!(:

- xoxo
charis loves you
12:32 PM

(0) comments

http://www.livevideo.com/video/ConspiracyCentral/0A6358ADBC254A8FA34ACC407B45460C/alien-baby-found-in-dumpster-n.aspx

go to this link,
it shows the full length video of a finding of some sort of alien baby.

it was taken a couple of years back.

it's the saddest shit ever.

okay, perhaps i'm getting worked up over nothing.
all the comments i read on this video seemed adamant on believing that this was just some shit cooked up using special effects.
but if you notice there's hardly any special effect shit going on there.
other comments claim you can get that toy alien and lay it in the dumpster,
yet another claims it's too small in size to be real and the founders of this alien don't behave like they've found an alien.

would it make it more real if they were like exclaiming and stuff?
if you put yourself in that time zone, you'd realize(if you were them)
that you'd probably freak out,
and then whip out your camera phone to take videos and pictures.
by the time you do that, the initial shock would probably have passed.

someone mentioned it could be a toy, and another says it's too small to be real.
if you look closely, there's a whole mess of stuff around it though it's not clear what it is,
they were referred to as icecubes.
whatever.
anyway,
when the camera zooms out, you'll see more of the dumpster and its contents.
and you'll realize that alien thing is really tiny.
smaller than one's hand.

in my opinion,
if it were a toy, why would it be that small?
no, i didn't see the end of a keychain sticking out of it's head.
if it were a toy, it wouldn't really be that small.
and right on tape,
you'll notice(about the same time as they do),
the showing of teeth.
toys don't have teeth and furthermore, toys don't open their mouths to bare their teeth at you.

Honestly,
the only thing that's unbelieveable,
is how the alien baby looks a hell lot like cartoon aliens.
its eyes aren't black but you know, just the shape and stuff.
actually, it was just the head that looked like what we see on television.

it didn't have hands, as you will see.
just about four tentacle-like thingies.

So yea,
i am quite inclined to believe that this video is real.
call me gullible and a bimbo,
but i've laid out my reasons for thinking so.
and it's felt a hell lot like social studies.
i got incredibly annoyed at thos comments which were immediately like
"OH COME ON IT'S SO FAKE"
"CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS WAS ALL DONE ON THE COMPUTER"
"WHAT WERE THEY DOING LOOKING AT A DUMPSTER TO BEGIN WITH"

that kinda bullshit just annoyed me.
they seemed such knowitalls.
and perhaps, if in reality, this video was just some ass's idea of a joke,
they're right and i'm stupid.
nonetheless,
it's the comments and the disbelief that probably caused other commenters to think,
"okay, i don't wanna look stupid and gullible"
so they go
"WOW. COOL EFFECTS"

Whatever.

this is an extremely sad video which reflects horrible on the human race actually.
these people, the finders of this alien, took the time to video the thing, zoom in zoom out,
take pictures(as you'll see in the video)
and yell to each other to send them the pictures.
one talks about the money they'll get for this.

WHY?

they laugh, they jostle and you can tell it's a cold night out
and they take videos and pictures of this baby that's bare-skinned and lying next to a couple of ice cubes!

HELLO!

no one makes any attempt to pick the baby up,
nothing.

call me stupid,
but i'm thinking along the lines of my decision that the alien is real.
It could've been a real alien on the planet,
or perhaps a baby that was given birth to by a human and dumped because it was just this,
creature.
this obviously inhuman thing.

whatever it is,
the first thing i would do is reach into the dumpster, take the baby out and wrap it up.
i could've cried watching the video.
they snapped photos, laughed saying "shit".
and they talked about the money they'd get for the video.
all i'm thinking about is,
what if that baby is cold. from their thick jackets you can tell it's cold so even without those damn icecubes around the baby,
it might be freezing.
maybe if it was an alien it needs to be kept cold.
or something.
geez i really don't know.

but my first instinct would be to pick the baby up and keep it warm.

have they no heart?
whether or not it's human, it's a baby.
it's a small creature left helpless in the dumpster.
and all you do is take pictures?
WHAT THE FUCK

yes, i was really upset about this.

now,
if this is real,
i'm wondering where the body is now.
it's probably dead given the lapse of time it took for those dimwits to pick it up,
if they even did that at all.
my guess, from the sound of it,
they just left the baby to die keeping with them their video of a souvenier.

point:
as of right now, nearly two years on, this alien baby is either dead or being worked on by scientists.
i hate people who conduct experiments on creatures they don't know.

okayokay, i digress.

the video is sad, go watch it.
i shall continue about my intense loathing of people who conduct experiments on unknown creatures.

they draw blood,
poke it around and try to find out it's living conditions.
extreme exaggeration here, i know,
but what do they do to find out how it survives?
stick it in a freezer and if it dies,
"oh. guess it doesn't live in the cold"

you know how the japanese conducted experiments on the singaporeans?

yea.
it kinda feels like that.

okay.
enough about alien babies.

go watch the video already.

Labels: alien, humans

- xoxo
charis loves you
11:08 AM

(0) comments

Sunday, June 24, 2007

i've been meaning to post for like, freaking ages.
caught up with just, so much to say and never getting round to it.
darn

mommy and i have kissed and made up.
dawn got me thinking you know,
like what my advice would be to someone of my age, in my situation.
hmmm

anywayyyyy.
gosh, i've been terribly lazy of recent.
i was horribly tired last night, after three hour tuition.
mm, indeeeed.

my essay writing, plot wise, seems to be going down the drain.
or rather longkang.
all i seem to bring to mind at my fingertips,
is something regarding my dreamed up future family life.
terribly boring to write about after a while.
okay, who am i kidding, it's not boring to write but i get self-conscious.

so,
i love how domesticated i become when i'm left alone for like,
long periods like this.
it's strange, really.
i look out the window and see how sunny it is,
but while most people my age would talk about swimming or what a bitch the weather's being,
i say:
"GOSH IT'S A LOVELY DAY FOR MY LAUNDRY!"

no, seriously.
just today, i've done two loads of laundry. they're incredibly overdue, i must admit.
one load was a set of bedsheets which i took off my bed like
a couple of months ago.
that sounds gross but i've been procrastinating simply because it's not just about washing the load,
it's about having space to hang it up and of course,
if Mr Sun is having a good hair day.

and for everyone else who think that laundry is easy,
yes it is.
but imagine being your mother and doing it every single day.
now that's, not easy.
especially because with good sun, laundry needs two day outside for it not to smell bad,
and without sun, a couple more days would be better to keep them from smelling like you use a garbage can for your wardrobe.

okay,
i really need to shut up about laundry.

i'm off to watch shrek 3 todayyy.
actually i'm kinda late already.
haha
soooo.

i'll update more tonight, or tomorrow morning.
because nights are usually left for family com-time.
and i'm lazy too.

toodles for now(:

xoxo

- xoxo
charis loves you
11:07 PM

(0) comments

Saturday, June 23, 2007

last night brought as much laughter and giggles as it did tears and pain.
excuse me while i tear my hair out.

i had incredible fun with paddy paddylicious(:
i do hope she had fun too

so mommy's not talking to me after i came home at a godforsaken hour.
i don't exactly blame her for being mad at me,
but still it's upsetting that she's doing this cold war thing.

i was left out of lunch,
and the last time i ate was like, yesterday's lunch.
and famous amos at seven i guess.
i've kinda dealt with my hunger pangs already, so never mind that.

i'm gonna come visit PL on mooondayyy!
can you guys pleasepleaseplease tag my board and leave your break timings!
i find myself quite a nuisance when i pester people for their break timings.

pfft.

okay so anyway, goodbye june hols and i'm really gonna start hitting the books.
i got 30/70 for my mid years' Chi paper 2,
and even though that isn't a pass, it's closer to a pass than i have ever been.
plus, the paper was incredibly hard okay!
so i've gotten this huge confidence boost, knowing that if i work harder, i could probably pass.
i should also probably get round to doing the homework alastair gave me,
problem is,
(alastair love, please don't get mad!)
i kinda forgot what it is i was supposed to do.

BUT FEAR NOT!
i will figure out what i need to do and do it
aye ass aye pee!
that's asap for you bimbos out there(:

ugh. some horrid song is playing on mtv.
it goes
this is why i'm hot and repeats for most of the song and has random random words fitted in just to rhyme with the word hot.
ugh.
ie;
this is why i'm hot
you ain't cos you're not

ah lao!
it doesn't take brains to write a song like that.
it's not even freaking rap.
urgh.
i hate no-talents):
boo you!

i'm more cynical than i'd like to be

xoxo

- xoxo
charis loves you
3:21 PM

(0) comments

Friday, June 22, 2007

apparently the results for the last two heats have come out.
it's rather scary, honestly speaking.

Especially because i'm not exactly confident of my chosen song.
i do hope(please, oh please)
that it's not too late to change my song.

i've been flipping through those who've advanced to the semi finals.
it's freaking me out a bit,
cos i don't know if i'm gonna be able to be one of those with the huge red words screaming
advanced to semi-finals

it'd be nice,
but i'm terribly jittery.

furthermore,
the concert i'm supposed to be throwing clashes with my competition.
i'm hoping it'll be on the first july rather than the day before because everyone seems busy on saturday.
still,
nothing's confirmed.
i don't even know if a stage's been booked for my concert so,
gawd knows what's happening right now.

i'm freaking tired right now.

i want bed


there's you and me

- xoxo
charis loves you
12:31 AM

(0) comments

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

i suppose i was the last to know,
that my link's been changed on his blog.

what joy

- xoxo
charis loves you
5:04 PM

(0) comments

there was a time where you'd say "hold it,"
and i'd lie still, smiling, posing,
just for you.

you'd smile, more to yourself than anything,
grinning like a mindless idiot,
and say how awfully cute i look.

obviously your idea of cute is quite different from mine,
nonetheless,
i knew how special i was to you,
and how special i felt whenever that happened.

"you make me beautiful," i used to tell you
and oh how true it was.
it was the way you pushed my hair out of my eyes,
the way you'd hold my hand even when it was clammy,
the way you'd suddenly smile at me, for no apparent reason.
i felt incredibly loved.
that sounds rather sad, like i feel unloved all the time.
that's not it, really.
it's just that i felt,
so special, like i was the only one he'd ever loved like that.
and that meant a lot to me.

He was good at that,
making a girl feel special.
everyone said so too,
that he knew how to treat a girl right.
I think a lot, you know.
(no jokes about my brain hurting, thank you)

I think about how we'd be like,
if i didn't do what i did.
I wonder if we'd still be struggling to cope with our workloads and yet,
still be adamant on our "forever and ever".
i suppose our breakup was the add up of a lot of things,
but in many ways, i'm sure his decision wouldn't have been so final
if i hadn't, you know.

It gets me everytime though.
thinking about how it was him who never wanted me to leave,
how it was him who claimed he could never be without me and yet,
it was him who left.
it was him who returned me everything i gave him, even truffles.
He's the one who's deleted all our pictures from his computer.

everytime i think about it,
all i want to do is throw everything away,
everything he's given back to me.
i want to toss it out
just so i don't have to think about it.

i need to stop having such horribly emo posts.

next week marks the end of the holidays,
and the start of school for everyone.
I don't feel much diff of course, because i have more free time than study time anyway.
That has its own downside but,
i'm going to start studying properly by myself.
The start of school basically just signals the end of smelly kids crowding my precious Starbucks(:
haha
gawsh
what a bitch i am.
oh well

the little ones will all be back where they belong and joy oh joy!
the streets will be void of those screams and buckets of piss.
YAY me(:

as yet,
i havn't confirmed the dates of my heats so,
forgive the delay, i'll tell you guys soon.

tagboard's nicely up, leave your messages since you've been leaving your footprints here(:
(i know this blog isn't dead because i see the increase of stats!)
i've also got a Teenage Icon Profile.
if you wanna see it,
and leave messages there instead,
go to
http://www.teenage.com.sg
sign up for an account and look for
Charis Vera Ng under the fourth heats of Teenage Icon.

coolios y'all!

someone needs to go shoe shopping with me,
and pamper me crazy(:

xoxo

- xoxo
charis loves you
3:50 PM

(0) comments

Monday, June 18, 2007

i caught clips of Curious Play,
a jap anime i used to watch.

it was the ep where Tamahome was evil and was out to kill miaka.
and when she finally got to him,
she said he could kill her if it meant he was gonna be okay,
and not die on her right then.

of course,
like all cliches,
she kissed him and ohohoh!
the power of love,
he started getting flashes of memory.

oh gawd, i'm shutting up.

drinks with victor was incredibly insightful.
i love talking with him,
because he gives proper advice rather than
"oh just get over him" kinda stuff.
on top of everything, a third person perspective is always helpful.

i'm told, in nicer words,
the whole
"every girl has the love life she wants" thing.
that my extremely cliche, tv-serial like love life is pretty much
just because i'm playing it like a freaking movie.

well,
as usual,
i'm pretty effing stuck right now.
i seem to know exactly what i should do or want to do,
except, whether or not it's a case of can't or won't,
i seem unable to actually carry out what i plan on doing.

so yes, i am still incredibly in love with him and i'm not actively getting him out of my life.
why should i?
he really does mean that much to me,
and to many extents, yes,
i do find myself waiting for him, almost.

it's just that i'm not sitting still,
fidgety and restless and stopping myself from doing as many things as i would,
if i were still in a relationship.

i don't want, and i hope he won't,
be stopped from getting into a relationship with anyone now.
whether or not we end up together ten years down the road is one thing,
but he shouldn't completely cut off the possibility of being with anyone else.

it might be painful for both of us,
like if i got together with someone now.
but at least we'd know that we've been with other people,
and yet we still find ourselves incredibly in love with each other
and still wanting to be together after so long.

no, that doesn't mean i'm gonna jump into the next relationship that comes along.
and it hurts like a bitch when he implies that,
or of course,
that i'm sleeping around.

gawd, anyway, i should really shut up on this subject,
it's like i don't have anything to talk about or something.

SO!

i've got an influx of good news!
Tab Tv 2, Ep 3 is coming out in September,
be sure to catch me on it then.

also,
august 8th is a revival of Skins' Aunty!
she (i) will be singing and acting!
YAY YAY YAY!

and on top of everything, my Heats for Teenage Icon has been moved up a day earlier!
SO SO SOOOO!
It's gonna be on the last day of this month,
on a Saturday from 5pm onwards.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE COME(:
and votevotevote!

my precious twin is turning sixteen soon
and
happy belated sweet sixteen to eme baby and
happy twenny fooourth to veeeektor

(:

Eternal Sunshine On the Spotless Mind is a
Fantabulous show!
Jim Carrey's first serious movie.
he really is amazing as a serious actor.
i prefer him serious rather than obnoxiously humourous.
i wanna watch it AGAINAGAIN!

so it was clear,
how though i thought of her now and then,
i didn't miss her incredibly.
especially not like i missed him, even though he was only a couple of floors down.
weird isn't it?
she's awfully sweet,
i'm just,
not keen on going on a rebound.

sigh

i've got tuition in a while
and my sister's bugging me for the com.

i wish my twin would see how incredibly hot and gorgeous she is.
i'm saying it cos it's true.
and bones potruding all over the place won't make her half as beautiful as she already is.

i've cleaned up my template a bit more, so it's better now,
hopefully.
i've also put up a tagboard.
YES!
GASP! a tagboard!

i, who hate tagboards and the bad omen it brings.

haha

call it insecurity,
but i don't like having my tagboard grow old and dusty.
i love new messages and whatnot but you know,
who doesn't right?
and i don't like feeling forgotten,
as tagboards often make me feel because people stop taggin after a while.

haha
so keep leaving me messages(:

hugs and kisses!

and we'll dance around like this all, is nothing.
and we'll lie, more to ourselves than anything.

- xoxo
charis loves you
6:16 PM

(0) comments

Sunday, June 17, 2007

i spent two and a half years with him,
and i'm sorry that i seem to harp on about the length of time,
but for a sixteen year old, it is quite a lot.
especially for a first proper relationship.

don't we all promise forever and ever and ever?
and swear that all hearts will only beat for each other?
i only make those kind of promises when i really feel like it's not an empty promise.
so when i finally said that,
you could say i was committed.

quite

and didn't the whole world know it.
but now

but now

you've broken up
and you harp on to her and her on all the rest of them as well,
how much attention i get,
how i return it
and how it's not good for one to have such a "quality".
so you know,
since you think that,
then i'll assume us ever having a relationship ever again
is completely out of the question.

you ask me if i'm waiting,
but i'm cut off before i can give you a proper answer.
so here,
for whoever there is to see,
this is my answer, uncut and uninterrupted.

Yes, i am waiting for you. i want to.
and i almost hate myself for that.

this weekend, you haven't exactly been the warmest creature.
how is it that you'll kiss me,
to last me the weekend,
and the whole weekend when we're in closer proximity than usual,
it seems like you're further away than ever?

it's terribly unfair on me.
but gawd,
life is never fair.

as much as i want to wait for you,
i cannot hold onto the hope that one day, one day,
you're gonna ask me to be yours again.
what am i to say,
when that time comes?

am i to drop,
and just forget everything i've had to go through?
night after night of tears,
too much liqueur and as much pills as i dare to pop into my mouth?
do i just,
put it out of my mind, say yes and then
wonder about when the stress is gonna be too much for you
all over again and fear the moment you'll leave me all over again?
am i supposed to do that?
tell me,
am i?

so,
if only just a little bit,
i find myself needing to let go of you,
bit by bit.
why not the occasional drink, tattoo, piercing,
even smoke, perhaps,
because i can? supposedly anyway.

everyday is a battle,
and til today,
guess what?
i still find myself crying myself to sleep.

i know i could,
i could probably throw myself into the world and let all else take over.
fuck around and cut contact completely.
i could become someone you'd never know.
but somehow i'm not doing that.
Doesn't matter to you anyway

obviously you're fine with believing i've been sleeping around,
you believe too, that i gossip behind your back.

the older generation's inclined to believe that the problem with sleeping with guys,
is that they question your integrity,
adamant on believing that,
if we can sleep with one guy, we've probably slept with everyone else.

my answer to you,
here in this blogpost,
was intended to be sugary sweet, but straight from the heart.
now,
it's stained with my tears.
i hope it's real enough for you now.

a part of me,
will always be waiting for you.
but i really don't want to talk to you anymore.
i don't need you telling me that you're sure i've been sleeping around.
i don't need you calling me to ask me if there's someone else in bed with me.
i don't need you implying that i am a slut,
because i'm not.

i don't need to keep crying over you,
every single night.
because you know what?
i'm fucking tired of doing that.

and even though i can't,
maybe i've gotta stop loving you,
so i won't keep feeling this way.

- xoxo
charis loves you
7:13 PM

(0) comments

Sunday, June 10, 2007

meet my bestest best friend,
Bird.
(:
gosh how random is this eh?
i've been eating a lot of durian and it reminded me of her.
durian-fanatic.

i've only known her since p5,
which honestly isn't as long as vicky has known her or anna i suppose.
but still,
for some reason(which eludes even me)
she's my bestest best friend.

i think it's the way she looks at me
(out of her cute little eyes)
when she's giving her deep, thoughtful advice.
or the way we used to take turns to call each other every single night,
and even though we don't anymore,
it only takes five minutes for all that distance to disappear.

i think it's the way that we hardly talk,
definitely not everyday, not even every week,
and yet,
when i really really need her, she's always there.

it's the way she's able to speak sense into me.
and she's the only person who'll make me stop and think.

i don't think we use labels of best friends and close friends.
after all, there's hardly a difference.
but i'd like to say, and i do all the time anyway,
that bird's my best friend.
i don't think i am but it hardly seems to matter,
cos she's still terribly special to me(:

she's gonna be the Godma/Goddykepa
of my last two baby girls;
Maxine Danielle & Jemimah Elizabeth.
as you can see, the youngest daughter's middle name is named after her.
haha.

okay,
enough randomness about bird lah.
her ego's gonna get blown up.

my twinniest twinnie came over to church today!
i think she liked it,
i know i did(:
accompanied C to get her tattoo.
it's fucking nice! i like it sooo much!
hahah.

details another time.
me is belly tiwed!

night wite!

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:21 AM

(0) comments

Thursday, June 07, 2007

with exactly thirteen minutes left on the computer,
and no plans whatsoever to come on again,
this is my hi and bye(:

i quite love my new layout,
and i spent ages on it.
like freaking ages okay!

my sister said my last skin was nicer cos it's got my face all over it.
i know i'm gorgeous, but even i get tired of my beauty.
HAHA
omg, i'm kidding! i'm kidding!

well this one's got my face too):
though it's not a main main thing.
i shall learn how to put my picture up like as part of the skin or something.
maybe, maybe.

anyway,
i know the whole thing isn't completely tidied up,
pleasepleaseplease forgive me.
i'm disgustingly tired.

anyway,
to my darling twin:
i'm sorry about what happened today,
i wish i could be there for you.
i'll design you a dress and we'll make you look like the gorgeous bitch you are.
i love you so so much.

and to my babyest baby:
i hope you're happy with the whole library thing!
omgomg, i miss you so fucking much,
i can't wait to see you on monday.
especially because you're always too busy for me these days):
i love you i love you i love you.

and to my darling bird;
can you see now? haha.

loves!
oh look, five miutes to spare!

do i love you?
don't you know by now?

- xoxo
charis loves you
10:46 PM

(0) comments

i could have lived with dying,
and never knowing the pain my heart could feel
when i fell in love

i've basked in the glory of my former post long enough.
too many words, and feelings squeezed into a post.

anyway,
back from my crazy, stressful few days in Malaysia with my out of town relatives.
do not. even. get. me. started.

coupled with the fact that i came straight from my "holiday", crashing into my mid year exams.
oh, and didn't i mention that i realized a little too late,
(when i was doing the math paper, to be exact)
that
the full time students are way ahead of the part time students and thus,
it's a guranteed fail for my math.

nonetheless,
i did my mid years knowing that i'd be strong enough not to be disheartened.
(gosh, i hate that word. it's so drama and cliche)
i did my mid years to see exactly where i stand,
to scare myself into knowing how much harder i need to work and knowing
what it is i need to work on.

i need help with variation, trigo and pythagoras' theorem as of right now.
i use the words "as of right now" because it's only the beginning of my problems.

upon clearing out my wallet(i got a new wallet! YAY ME!)
i discovered this slip of paper with maths formulas scribbled on it.
Angela gave it to me in her last ditch attempt to save me from Ms kok last year,
and i've kept it with me in case i need to cheat.
(oh my morals! tsk)

well anyway,
i used to look at it every other since the test.
as a result, that slip of paper started to become redundant simply because i began to know and understand my stuff!
but when i've heard the word "variations" recently,
i'm completely freaked.
looking at the tiny slip of worn out paper,
i find it amazing that i have actually understood all that before!

to add on to my huge amount of stress,
we started on mensuration and a whole bunch of even more mathematical stuff last night!

horror of horrors!

on a lighter,
much more beautiful note(:

I GOT INTO TEENAGE ICON! ANDANDAND! I WAS THE FIRST TO GET IN TOO!
perhaps that was due to the fact that i was first in line

BUT STILL!

SO ANYWAY, YOU, YOU AND YES YOUYOUYOU TOO,
EVERYONE READING THIS BLOG,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE COME DOWN TO:

TAMPINES MALL
ON THE FIRST OF JULY,
SUNDAY,
AT 4PM,
THE OPEN PLAZA ON THE FOURTH LEVEL.

EVERYONE IN THAT PARTICULAR ROUND OF HEATS WILL BE SINGING,
INCLUDING ME!(:
I'LL BE ONE OF THE LAST FEW BUT PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE, HANG IN THERE AND WAIT FOR MY PERFORMANCE.
AND IF YOU THINK I'M WORTH IT,
VOTE VOTE VOTE!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!
I'LL NEED AS MANY VOTES AND SUPPORTERS AS I CAN POSSIBLY POSSIBLY GET!

yes, well, that's how my life's been going of late.
but other than this sudden bursts of excitements, i'm left to myself,
taking in each day as it hits me,
painfully, and with it's usually cold greeting of lonliness.

no please,
don't chuck me under that emo catagory.
i think it's harder for me that it is for him.

after all,
he's the one who's getting requitted with his old friends and lovers.
and i really do mean that literally.
one of the exes before recently told him she liked him.

is it hard to believe that i'm not in guffaws and hitting every other club in town with anyone who'll go with me?
because the truth is,
i'm really not.

being without him would technically have given me the right to do all that,
but i don't.
and i don't want to.

every person's love life, is exactly as they want it to be. - the wedding date

and as true as it is that my pain is only present because i allow it to be,
i also, at the same time,
am not allowing myself to go around making out with random people.
(those two since him was not making out, and i wasn't into it anyway!)

for the longest time, i started out drinking myself half to death
then i stopped and
for another while, i decided i would do whatever it takes to make myself happy again.
i would party, i would scream and i would have fun.
anything to take away the gust of emptiness i felt each night.
but then,
as soon as i decided that,
he made me change my mind.

and then i decided that i would wait for him, for as long as it took.

i was given a variety of reasons:
-he's out for revenge. you hurt him and it's his turn to hurt you
-or that i'm no longer a person to him, just something he needs control over

believe me, everything's hard to believe, crazily hard to believe.

he gave me back everything in a box,
everything except my freedom.

of course,
that is completely not his fault because i'm the one who's letting him have my freedom.
this subconcious "you still have me, can i have you too" thing.
typing that out, against my self-denial has started my tears.
gawd, i'm being silly.

but even though we've broken up,
it's undeniable how special we are to each other.
for now at least.
and when he asks me where i am and who i'm with and why i'm not home when it's past midnight,
i feel obliged to give him an honest answer when the fact is,
i don't have to.
okay, i'll admit, i feel as much obliged to answer him as he feels he has a right to know.
what really gets me is that,
he's out with random people, old friends -to be fair, persons i have never even heard about.
and he doesn't tell me either.

because it's quite a fact that,
out of habit, i tell him my plans.
obviously he doesn't, and why should he, when i'm not his girlfriend anymore?
but it gets me that i tell him without his asking,
and when he asks, i answer.
flipping it round, i find out about his rendezvous quite by chance.

must i, do i really have to admit?
that yes, i am jealous on occassions.
especially because these old friends are mostly girls.
not to mention that it is highly likely that the meetups are initiated by him.
yes, i feel this awful pang,
when i look at how well he's getting on.

after all,
he's got school most of the time to distract him.
friends who are with him at least four hours of the day and, as discovered,
friends to fill his time during other unfilled hours.

and as for me.
as for me,
so what if it's the june holidays?
everyone's off studying for O's.
just securing study dates are a nifty thing,
because everyone knows how parents don't believe you're studying when you're out.

so everyone's studying at home,
or if not,
they're with their girlfriends.

reading everyone else's blog,
it really doesn't seem as such.
what with reading of outings and movies that might, or might not have included me, depending.

and my life is expected to go on,
juggling the loves in my life, the first major breakup in my life,
and the inevitable O's.
it's not a school i'm in, my classes are made up of people one goes with for Friday night drinks.
the one day-class i'm in, i'm not close to anyone per se.

as cigarette after cigarette fall to the ground,
and pictures i see make my eyes glaze over with tears,
i know how i need to pick myself up.

yet, i know, at the same time, how i don't really want to just yet.
i don't feel ready to,
stupid as it sounds.

that last kiss, i'll cherish
until we meet again
like the way my fingers ran over your perfect body and how,
you used to love me.

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:41 PM

(0) comments

credits

layout by chris. (:

my|ife

February 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
December 2007

my world

forgotten secrets
poetic poetry(:
honneh bunneh
mommie
sugarr
buble cuzzie:)
buu
holy guy
moooresykins
hubby private&protected
hubby
pretti zombie
boyfriend
babaye sister
dory
dark Lord
unknown wierdo
dahhlingg hippo
[blogger]
[friendster]

just for laughs
my boyfriend's a twat
overheard in New York

peeeeektooores!(:

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.