alone i was
before your love
when i saw you
i knew my life was touched
i saw your smile
and then i knew
that everything i felt
inside was true
i saw your smile
and then i knew
that i was gonna spend
my life with you
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Thursday, June 07, 2007
i could have lived with dying,
and never knowing the pain my heart could feel
when i fell in love
i've basked in the glory of my former post long enough.
too many words, and feelings squeezed into a post.
anyway,
back from my crazy, stressful few days in Malaysia with my out of town relatives.
do not. even. get. me. started.
coupled with the fact that i came straight from my "holiday", crashing into my mid year exams.
oh, and didn't i mention that i realized a little too late,
(when i was doing the math paper, to be exact)
that
the full time students are way ahead of the part time students and thus,
it's a guranteed fail for my math.
nonetheless,
i did my mid years knowing that i'd be strong enough not to be disheartened.
(gosh, i hate that word. it's so drama and cliche)
i did my mid years to see exactly where i stand,
to scare myself into knowing how much harder i need to work and knowing
what it is i need to work on.
i need help with variation, trigo and pythagoras' theorem as of right now.
i use the words "as of right now" because it's only the beginning of my problems.
upon clearing out my wallet(i got a new wallet! YAY ME!)
i discovered this slip of paper with maths formulas scribbled on it.
Angela gave it to me in her last ditch attempt to save me from Ms kok last year,
and i've kept it with me in case i need to cheat.
(oh my morals! tsk)
well anyway,
i used to look at it every other since the test.
as a result, that slip of paper started to become redundant simply because i began to know and understand my stuff!
but when i've heard the word "variations" recently,
i'm completely freaked.
looking at the tiny slip of worn out paper,
i find it amazing that i have actually understood all that before!
to add on to my huge amount of stress,
we started on mensuration and a whole bunch of even more mathematical stuff last night!
horror of horrors!
on a lighter,
much more beautiful note(:
I GOT INTO TEENAGE ICON! ANDANDAND! I WAS THE FIRST TO GET IN TOO!
perhaps that was due to the fact that i was first in line
BUT STILL!
SO ANYWAY, YOU, YOU AND YES YOUYOUYOU TOO,
EVERYONE READING THIS BLOG,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE COME DOWN TO:
TAMPINES MALL
ON THE FIRST OF JULY,
SUNDAY,
AT 4PM,
THE OPEN PLAZA ON THE FOURTH LEVEL.
EVERYONE IN THAT PARTICULAR ROUND OF HEATS WILL BE SINGING,
INCLUDING ME!(:
I'LL BE ONE OF THE LAST FEW BUT PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE, HANG IN THERE AND WAIT FOR MY PERFORMANCE.
AND IF YOU THINK I'M WORTH IT,
VOTE VOTE VOTE!
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!
I'LL NEED AS MANY VOTES AND SUPPORTERS AS I CAN POSSIBLY POSSIBLY GET!
yes, well, that's how my life's been going of late.
but other than this sudden bursts of excitements, i'm left to myself,
taking in each day as it hits me,
painfully, and with it's usually cold greeting of lonliness.
no please,
don't chuck me under that emo catagory.
i think it's harder for me that it is for him.
after all,
he's the one who's getting requitted with his old friends and lovers.
and i really do mean that literally.
one of the exes before recently told him she liked him.
is it hard to believe that i'm not in guffaws and hitting every other club in town with anyone who'll go with me?
because the truth is,
i'm really not.
being without him would technically have given me the right to do all that,
but i don't.
and i don't want to.
every person's love life, is exactly as they want it to be. - the wedding date
and as true as it is that my pain is only present because i allow it to be,
i also, at the same time,
am not allowing myself to go around making out with random people.
(those two since him was not making out, and i wasn't into it anyway!)
for the longest time, i started out drinking myself half to death
then i stopped and
for another while, i decided i would do whatever it takes to make myself happy again.
i would party, i would scream and i would have fun.
anything to take away the gust of emptiness i felt each night.
but then,
as soon as i decided that,
he made me change my mind.
and then i decided that i would wait for him, for as long as it took.
i was given a variety of reasons:
-he's out for revenge. you hurt him and it's his turn to hurt you
-or that i'm no longer a person to him, just something he needs control over
believe me, everything's hard to believe, crazily hard to believe.
he gave me back everything in a box,
everything except my freedom.
of course,
that is completely not his fault because i'm the one who's letting him have my freedom.
this subconcious "you still have me, can i have you too" thing.
typing that out, against my self-denial has started my tears.
gawd, i'm being silly.
but even though we've broken up,
it's undeniable how special we are to each other.
for now at least.
and when he asks me where i am and who i'm with and why i'm not home when it's past midnight,
i feel obliged to give him an honest answer when the fact is,
i don't have to.
okay, i'll admit, i feel as much obliged to answer him as he feels he has a right to know.
what really gets me is that,
he's out with random people, old friends -to be fair, persons i have never even heard about.
and he doesn't tell me either.
because it's quite a fact that,
out of habit, i tell him my plans.
obviously he doesn't, and why should he, when i'm not his girlfriend anymore?
but it gets me that i tell him without his asking,
and when he asks, i answer.
flipping it round, i find out about his rendezvous quite by chance.
must i, do i really have to admit?
that yes, i am jealous on occassions.
especially because these old friends are mostly girls.
not to mention that it is highly likely that the meetups are initiated by him.
yes, i feel this awful pang,
when i look at how well he's getting on.
after all,
he's got school most of the time to distract him.
friends who are with him at least four hours of the day and, as discovered,
friends to fill his time during other unfilled hours.
and as for me.
as for me,
so what if it's the june holidays?
everyone's off studying for O's.
just securing study dates are a nifty thing,
because everyone knows how parents don't believe you're studying when you're out.
so everyone's studying at home,
or if not,
they're with their girlfriends.
reading everyone else's blog,
it really doesn't seem as such.
what with reading of outings and movies that might, or might not have included me, depending.
and my life is expected to go on,
juggling the loves in my life, the first major breakup in my life,
and the inevitable O's.
it's not a school i'm in, my classes are made up of people one goes with for Friday night drinks.
the one day-class i'm in, i'm not close to anyone per se.
as cigarette after cigarette fall to the ground,
and pictures i see make my eyes glaze over with tears,
i know how i need to pick myself up.
yet, i know, at the same time, how i don't really want to just yet.
i don't feel ready to,
stupid as it sounds.
that last kiss, i'll cherish
until we meet again
like the way my fingers ran over your perfect body and how,
you used to love me.
- xoxo
charis loves you
1:41 PM
peeeeektooores!(: