with |ove; me

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

there was a time where you'd say "hold it,"
and i'd lie still, smiling, posing,
just for you.

you'd smile, more to yourself than anything,
grinning like a mindless idiot,
and say how awfully cute i look.

obviously your idea of cute is quite different from mine,
nonetheless,
i knew how special i was to you,
and how special i felt whenever that happened.

"you make me beautiful," i used to tell you
and oh how true it was.
it was the way you pushed my hair out of my eyes,
the way you'd hold my hand even when it was clammy,
the way you'd suddenly smile at me, for no apparent reason.
i felt incredibly loved.
that sounds rather sad, like i feel unloved all the time.
that's not it, really.
it's just that i felt,
so special, like i was the only one he'd ever loved like that.
and that meant a lot to me.

He was good at that,
making a girl feel special.
everyone said so too,
that he knew how to treat a girl right.
I think a lot, you know.
(no jokes about my brain hurting, thank you)

I think about how we'd be like,
if i didn't do what i did.
I wonder if we'd still be struggling to cope with our workloads and yet,
still be adamant on our "forever and ever".
i suppose our breakup was the add up of a lot of things,
but in many ways, i'm sure his decision wouldn't have been so final
if i hadn't, you know.

It gets me everytime though.
thinking about how it was him who never wanted me to leave,
how it was him who claimed he could never be without me and yet,
it was him who left.
it was him who returned me everything i gave him, even truffles.
He's the one who's deleted all our pictures from his computer.

everytime i think about it,
all i want to do is throw everything away,
everything he's given back to me.
i want to toss it out
just so i don't have to think about it.

i need to stop having such horribly emo posts.

next week marks the end of the holidays,
and the start of school for everyone.
I don't feel much diff of course, because i have more free time than study time anyway.
That has its own downside but,
i'm going to start studying properly by myself.
The start of school basically just signals the end of smelly kids crowding my precious Starbucks(:
haha
gawsh
what a bitch i am.
oh well

the little ones will all be back where they belong and joy oh joy!
the streets will be void of those screams and buckets of piss.
YAY me(:

as yet,
i havn't confirmed the dates of my heats so,
forgive the delay, i'll tell you guys soon.

tagboard's nicely up, leave your messages since you've been leaving your footprints here(:
(i know this blog isn't dead because i see the increase of stats!)
i've also got a Teenage Icon Profile.
if you wanna see it,
and leave messages there instead,
go to
http://www.teenage.com.sg
sign up for an account and look for
Charis Vera Ng under the fourth heats of Teenage Icon.

coolios y'all!

someone needs to go shoe shopping with me,
and pamper me crazy(:

xoxo

- xoxo
charis loves you
3:50 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.