Tuesday, February 28, 2006
okay so yes,
yesterday was pretty drabby.
what pissed me off yesterday was that i wasn't sure if i was coming to school today
so i texted deniese about the baking stuff and, receiving no reply,
i texted cheryl.
she replied me with
"it is truely irritating when you say you'll do something and don't turn up for school"
i understand her,
but hell
it's not like we're close
we don't even bloody talk
so yeaa
i officially hate her now by the way
stupid bitch
i like today,
it was fun(:
bought a gorgeous gorgeous skirt from fox
it was the last day of the 40% off sale and i got a forty dollar skirt
for 23(:
it's so so niiice
i'll be wearing it to zouk for my birthday celebration(:
dumdeedum
i'll blog later if i remember what i wanna say
- xoxo
charis loves you
8:22 PM
(0) comments
Monday, February 27, 2006
i hate the waking up part of school
other than that,
school's pretty fine
it was an utter bitch today though,
i must say.
doralynn seemed to notice something wrong about me before i myself noticed it.
i was quieter i think.
just been having a splitting headache more or less the whole day
and gastric now and again.
math was good,
believe it or not.
i'm sitting at the back(:
and she didn't pick on me.
whoopeedoo.
EJ came up to me
said she didn't wanna see my legs cos i had my skirt wrapped around me
she said my skirt was short
what the fuck
it is not fucking short
bloody hell
she asked how long i had left and if this was my last year
i said it might be
and she asked if it meant i had arrangement to move outta the school
i said yes
in your face bitch her daughter actually seems really really nice.
gawd
how she can put up with a mummy like that.
i have a lot more to say
like i went to cartel with vicky buuu
and rach and kris were there
but i'm still having my damned headache so maybe another time
- xoxo
charis loves you
9:05 PM
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sunday sunday sunday
the day before the rest of the week
it was pretty good i suppose
filming was extremely fun
i've always done acting like there and then
or on stage or something
and i realize,
you have to take a hell lotta takes for a seven minute thing
it was awfully fun though
couldn't stop laughing for something that was supposed to like be an argumement
haha
anyway,
took another quiz
that's the problem with me when i have nothing better to do
You are charismactivity.
(Your alter-ego is charis vera ng)
Your super-hero ability:
Communicate with squirrels in order to train them to fight like ninjas on your behalf
'What is your superhero ability?' at QuizGalaxy.com
ohoh
alastair made my day by suprising me(:
i'm thee happiest girl ever ever ever
haha
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:10 AM
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Sunday, February 26, 2006
something i got from bird's blog.
it's not funny after a while though
because i realized it's different everytime.
haha
- xoxo
charis loves you
11:41 PM
(0) comments
Saturday, February 25, 2006
are you there baby,
are you really there?
sometimes you are,
but sometimes you're not
and i don't want you not to be there.
it gets cold
and teary
will you stay with me,
if only for awhile?
maybe you'll leave me alone
will you?
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:45 AM
(0) comments
Friday, February 24, 2006
today was nice.
it was comfortable
and i got to do all that i wanted to do,
which,
to me,
is the most important thing.
ld was really really fun today.
it was good,
what she taught us.
about improvisation and impromptu stuff
it's good for the girls in ld
especially in singapore where most people suck at impromtu shit
dressed up,
put in so much effort,
wore bloody knee high boots
all for five minutes of hot seat
and being told that i'll have to do that for the next two weeks
ahh
noooo
lazeee laaaaa
dunch waaaan
anyway,
left ld earlier to go for an audition
good thing i emailed nadia about timings and asked if i could come at about 6 ish.
as i was leaving mdm whats-her-name asked me to put on my uniform cos i oughn't leave school dressed like that.
hello?
i'm not exactly dressed in a bikini you know.
gee whiz
cabbed it to paya lebar.
they were actually like,
"we're wrapping up"
but i said i emailed nadia.
she's really nice,
really bubbly and cheerful.
fills up the room.
anyway,
in about ten minutes,
we had to fill up some form as well as figure out how we'd say the monolouge thing
so stressfool
aiyohh
anyway,
rushed it last minute,
then went inside the auditioning room.
my hands were cold.
i think i screwed up the bit about introducing myself and impressing them with two lines.
i think i acted okay.
singing wasn't too bad
never sang like that before.
vicky was really good with her acting
made the guy with us look like a looosah.
hurr
i sang two songs(:
dumdeedum
yeaa so basically that was good.
what i love about acting is that i become someone else
i'm not charis vera ng anymore
what i love about singing
is that i'm just not even there
i'm just a voice(:
i choose singing over acting! (:
poor darling marisse was late cos she got lost so she missed her chance.
vicky says she's jinxed.
poor baby
in a lucky dip,
she gets back her own present.
then she loses her damned ezlink card and IC
she places a clip on her table for a moment and it disappears within seconds
then she's crossing the road with my humongous paperbag which has lasted me throughout the day and it suddenly decides to break
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD
it's bloody funny being with marisse
haha
grapevine after the auditions
mummy and janice joined us.
my hair smell like i've just gone clubbing.
haha.
i wish
wheeeeee
i'm in a pretty good mood now.
alastair's down.
poor baby.
and i don't fucking know why so i'm getting irritated
eeee yeeeeer
- xoxo
charis loves you
11:15 PM
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Thursday, February 23, 2006
you've cheered me up(:
- xoxo
charis loves you
11:47 PM
(0) comments
i don't understand you
don't understand him
i don't understand it,
don't understand
this what is
this anyway?
someone,
anyone care to explain?
i'm trying to figure it out myself
and the strange uneasiness i get just thinking about
it all.
what is
it anyway?
does it refer to anything in particular?
i don't know.
i cannot know,
just like i can never fully understand you because as you pointed out,
no one understands you.
and maybe,
just maybe,
i don't want to know anymore,
i don't want to understand.
i don't want to figure it out.
i don't want and
i don't wanna need to understand you
or him
or
this or
it or anything at all.
it was my feelings though even i couldn't make sense of it at all
you misinterpreted it.
and you know what?
you're off.
you're so off track that it hurts.
alastair honey,
you're way off about what i think or
even feel
and that hurt the most
- xoxo
charis loves you
11:30 PM
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i said goodbye to shittail yet again.
i buried him at the beach,
teared as i saw birds fly across his resting place.
knowing that at least,
he's somewhere where he can watch the birds like he used to.
thank you, special person who helped. it meant a lot to me(:
- xoxo
charis loves you
5:55 PM
(0) comments
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Shittail
December 24th 2004 -
February 22nd 2006
the stupidest,
most darling cat everoh all those times i called you stupid
all those times i kicked you away and screamed at you for sneaking into my room.
oh all those time i squealed because you climbed onto my lap and i didn't want to get furry.
oh all those time i told you i hated you,
that i wanted you to just run away and never come back.
those times i shooed you off the table,
not wanting to get my clothes dirty.
those times i complained about doing your litter
those times i screamed and yelled at you,
those times i got so frustrated because your meows were so horribly loud.
oh baby,
all those times i'd take them back,
i won't complain if only you'd still be around.
if you could just look at me with those huge adorable eyes and meow affectionately.
just one more time,
if you'd dirty my clothes,
or shit horribly in the litter for me to clear up.
just one more time for me to make it right.
just one more time so i could say sorry.
i told you all i wanted to last night,
i can only say i am thankful i got to cradle you in my arms just one last time.
just that one last time,
i held you and kissed you and let you know i did actually love you,
deep down inside.
it was only this last weekend you tried climbing up on me and i squealed,
i pushed you away.
it was only last weekend when you meowed so loudly,
i laughed saying you had to be demon-possessed.
i didn't really care,
it was the start of all going wrong.
but i thought you'd pull through
you always did
i thought it'd all be okay
not too long ago,
you sat at that window,
watching the birds play outside.
you'd jump and paw at the window,
stupidly trying to catch the birds on the other side of the glass pane.
and last night,
you could hardly move.
you couldn't even jump off.
all you could do was crawl off,
you didn't purr.
the soft sound you emitted was barely audible.
my prayers were answered though,
you didn't suffer long.
and though you won't ever read this or see this,
baby,
know i love you.
i love you very very much though i never showed it.
and i'm sorry.
i bid thee farewellon top of a horrible 3am
school wasn't that wonderful.
i caught up with friends though,
that was important to me.
i don't know how to tell the rest of you guys,
so i'll just tell you like this,
here.
explanation and all.
i tried,
but i won't be going to England as much as i really wanted to.
it's no one's fault really.
two contributing factors.
it's just that one contributed more than the other
first up,
deadline for the deposit was today.
my form unsigned and only two hundred in cash.
there was no changing it though my reason was valid.
the deadline was today, that was final.
second up,
most important
the take into account your behaviour and laadeedaa
as anyone can and will point out,
i've got a horrible track record.
since last year,
and this year?
lets not talk about it.
when i heard that everything about us will be taken into account,
i decided i'd buck up.
start coming to school more often and put in lots and lots of effort into being a good girl.
but as Ms Chan pointed out,
over a period of a couple of weeks,
i can't be judged whether or not i'm resposible.
not that anyone would want to.
"you think you even have a chance of going to England?"
that's what Mrs Ong had said
i thought it was awfully mean and bitchy almost.
in the end,
guess what?
so no,
after everything,
after trying hard to persuade daddy and getting all hot and bothered,
after talking to my grandma about it,
and after so many good and bad things which ended up that the financial part of the trip was something i didn't need to worry about,
i'm not going to England.
not going to York,
Manchester,
the works.
there was two parts to the deal,
mummy supported me and the finacial part was done,
i didn't know my end of the deal had already been ruined long before i wanted to try holding up my end by being a good girl
You shot yourself in your own leg Charis, you shot yourself in your own leg
- xoxo
charis loves you
6:00 PM
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Tuesday, February 21, 2006
i miss you baby
miss you like crazy
- xoxo
charis loves you
9:48 PM
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i need to tell the whole world something(:
it's something of extreme importance so listen up
it's going to all the daddy's and mummy's out there:
FUCK DIVORCEand fuck the fucking people who cause it
hear that?
FUCK DIVORCE
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:38 AM
(0) comments
Saturday, February 18, 2006
forgive me,
don't know where to start
i guess we've come to
the serious part
i need to find out,
if there's a chance
for us
don't give me that same old look,
it won't win me over
don't give me that same old speech,
you don't have to speak at all
you can say
you love me
that i'm your perfect crush
how it hurts to need someone that much
you can swear you mean it
but that ain't good enough
cos when a man loves a woman,
it is all
in his touch
then words don't mean that muchi remembered this song,
and i suppose,
at the end of the day
it conveyed what i would most like you to know and understand
i'm going to stop doing a few blog posts within minutes from each other
haha
- xoxo
charis loves you
11:55 PM
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what if i am still in love with you?
what if i am too in love with you right now,
too much in love that i cannot take it.
because i want to,
i am trying to,
but i can't,
i simply can't,
let go.
and i know i have to,
little by little,
if only just a bit.
- xoxo
charis loves you
11:50 PM
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i fell asleep last night dreaming
of how i would tell you that you were the girl i loved,
the girl i once loved so long ago.
i dreamt how i would tell you that
you were the first girl i loved
and the last
i dreamt,
but i fell asleep dreaming
i pretended i was getting over it.
that i wasn't going to let it matter when actually,
it did, and it does.
but i'm bringing myself past that stage you see
i'm bringing myself further than what i suppose can be seen as superficial
something our relationship is definitely not,
and not supposed to be
but it's not superficial to me
it's just special
but i'll bring myself past that stage
don't expect, expect the worst. don't place your happiness on other people maybe we'll reach a deeper level here,
maybe we will, together
- xoxo
charis loves you
11:28 PM
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Thursday, February 16, 2006
Don't put your happiness on other people
they'd just foil it anyway that's what she told me,
and i realize,
stupidly that it's true.
and that's one of my problems
expect the worst so that when the bad comes,
it wouldn't be so bad and if the good comes,
you'd be really happy and suprised well even if that happened,
i wouldn't be able to help feeling disappointed
now would i?
but i'm tired of doing this to myself,
of expecting so much and then...
haha
who would've thought love could do this to people?
are you here,
looks like you've disappeared
again
am i dead,
i cannot hear my breath,
who cares
where is the love
that i
thought i had found
where is the guy
i used to
put my arms around
there's no more us
there's no more we
there's only love
and what we have
and you and me
there's no more time,
it's slippin' fast
there's only what we had
and what will come to pass
there's no more us i love you,
can't you tell?
but now i place my happiness on no one
and like she said,
don't expect
- xoxo
charis loves you
5:31 PM
(0) comments
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Our goal in life is to TRY to be happy.... and sometime it take many years to get to that next level.
Education---- find you a good job-----a good job make money for you-----money only buy happiness-----finding spiritual happiness is the hard part.
Finding a good man or woman and finding true deep love is the hardest part of all.that's what my uncle replied me when i told him i was rather envious of his free life.
it is kinda true though,
the part about education and stuff.
i guess i'm really looking at it now,
especially after what he said,
and thinking,
well if studying gets me nothing more than material happiness,
what am i studying for?
then again,
there was a time when i was thinking studying would get me to where i want to be.
say if i love analyzing people,
it wouldn't exactly be a material happiness i'd have found once i work my way up to being a psychiatrist.
i realized working doesn't always have to be about money.
studying doesn't always have to be about working to get money.
i'm working myself into seeing that my studying now is to allow me to do what i want to do in the future,
something i'll be happy with.
the thing is,
i love acting and singing.
especially when it comes to math,
i am extremely aware that i won't need to know what the hell indices are when i'm on stage acting out a dying grandmother.
neither would i need or for that matter, even want to know, how volcanoes are formed when i'm singing about how loves tears people apart.
okay,
knowing how volcanoes and waterfalls form are really interesting.
i want to know about it,
i want to know how they're formed because they're beautiful things.
but i don't want knowledge about that shit to be crammed into my head because of an upcoming test.
same thing with history and social studies.
i appear to hate it,
but i some ways,
i guess it's interesting finding out what happened in the past.
how horrible war times were and what people had to do.
but i'd rather read it from a gory book.
i don't want to know, down to the finest detail why the bloody hell tunku didn't bloody want merger.
and i really don't need to know how the brits left singapore all alooone and deep inside feel rather indignant that it's my country of which the teachers are telling my classmates are at fault for the fall of singapore.
okay,
anyone reading this might accuse me of defamation perhaps,
or something bad,
saying i'm insulting what the school teaches.
i'm not.
i'm stating facts.
since primary 3 i have had horrible looks from teachers and classmates cos i'm british and
"the British left singapore all alone. they cared more about their own war going on elsewhere"
do not narrow your eyes at me,
or rather at this.
because that's what the teacher bloody said.
and it says so in history textbooks too.
enough about history,
lets take biology.
i have a thing for biology and i absolutely love chemistry.
no, really.
i'm not kidding.
i always thought chemistry was really cool cos you get to mix up vials of goodness knows what to come up with some smelly purple liquid,
and biology's pretty cool.
it's nice studying for it believe it or not.
but i can't help wondering,
would i need to know that amylase digests carbohydrates even if i am acting as a fat lady on stage?
i've always been told,
our studying will come in useful one day.
mummy says you should learn even though you'll forget because even she can't remember what she was learning for A levels.
but then again,
if i know i'm gonna forget it then why am i trying so hard to learn it right now?
i'd rather learn in because i'm interested and remember it for life,
like how when i was once interested geography i remembered how waterfalls were formed.
i love waterfalls you see,
so why shouldn't i be interested in how they're formed?
unfortunately,
as much as i'd like to live my own life,
i cannot come to school based on what i like and don't like,
i cannot choose to learn and listen in class to what i want to because guess what,
whether we like it or not,
we'll have to memorize shit,
even if it's in our short term memory,
purely to score well in exams.
my uncle ron said finding true love and spiritual happiness is the hard part.
and i'm starting to wonder,
how the hell will i ever know?
i'm so sure i'm in love right now,
everything can seem so perfect.
but i sure as hell ain't having fun like my uncle ron is.
- xoxo
charis loves you
1:01 PM
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oh it was a wonderfully gorgeous day(:
slept in,
gawd how i loved that.
then bathed and got ready to go out.
alastair was a darling,
he came over to pick me up and gave me this gorgeous rose,
no it wasn't red,haha,
all prettily wrapped up with a widdle tiny bear on it.
it was so beautiful!
i can't stop taking pictures of it
that's the thing with me and flowers you see,
cos i know sooner or later they're gonna die on me,
i take as many pictures as i possibly can.
haha
silly isn't it?
anyway,
gave alastair the card i made,
and the rather dumb looking flower
went to tampines and watched Walk the Line
it's a beautiful show.
went walkies
didn't take neos,
suprisingly.
haha.
actually,
when i was there and saw the crowd i got kinda turned off.
played house of the dead while we both acknowledged the irony and sadisticness of it all.
lovey dovey valentine's and we're shooting zombies.
quit that after a while and played daytona.
after the movie went last minute grocery shopping for mummy.
quite fun actually.
circling mindlessly looking for sour cream and bacon bits.
i was pretty aware,
it'd probably be a typical scene in about ten years.
haha.
went home for a gorgeous dinner made by mummy.
steak and sparkling juice since she doesn't take alcohol during the week.
absolutely beautiful(:
love actually was at 9 til 11
alastair left for home then.
poor baby's so tired.
saw a couple from some JC making out like crazy near the bus stop just now.
which was at like 11 plus?
haha.
goodness.
aiyohhhhh.
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY Y'ALL.
i've got tests to study for,meanwhile.
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:25 AM
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my uncle's living with his girlfriend in China now
looking at the pictures he's sent me,
i can't help feeling just a wee bit envious of him.
i mean,
he's 60,
he's fought wars, he's worked,
and now he's living his life,
falling in and out of love,
or so it seems,
and just kicking back and enjoying himself.
in many ways,
i wish i could drop everything and move in with someone i love and who loves me too.
i wish i wasn't tied down by everything around me and i can just run away and have fun like what my uncle seems to be doing(:
seeing his pictures,
and allowing myself to imagine his life,
i can't help wishing i could do all that too.
haha.
just run away and have fun.
of course,
that would probably end up extremely screwed up,
cos if i really did that i'd just end up bumming around.
i ought to finish up schooling and stuff before having fun.
but urgh,
school here is absolutely repulsive
students are expected to wake up at 5.30 in the morning?
well,
i'm expected to because i live pretty damn far away from school.
oh wells.
hell,
i can't wait to start living my life properly.
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:03 AM
(0) comments
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
you make me wanna scream
you make me wanna shout
you make me wanna give in and cry out
you make me fall
you make me hurt
you make me tear myself apart.
you make me fail,
give it all up
only to look back
knowing i'm stuck
you make me cry
you make me fear
you make me wish i wasn't here
you make me small
yet sometimes big
and i realize
i'm not as big as i want myself to think
you make me spill my life out open
you make me weak
and leave me choking
you leave me to grasp
yet just out of reach
if it wasn't for you
there would be more for me to see
you dragged me down,
you ruined my life
you brought an only friend,
that harsh steel knife
you're all around me
just go away
why are you in the mirror
when i face it everyday? you're in my head,
you make me cry
you're a part of me
i want to die
you're in my mind,
you're always there
just leave me alone like you always have
fuck off, you demons in my head
you wrap me tight,
a cold embrace
i run away,
because i cannot face
why don't you die and leave,
i imagine crying tears of relief
but yet i know i cannot escape
you're deep in me
i can't run away
you're in my mind,
you're always there
just leave me along like you always have
fuck the hell off,
you demons in my head
no one knows,
no one's read.
i wrote this when it was what i felt.
maybe it's because my period date is drawing near and i'm getting more emotional.
but oh,
i could hardly handle it all.
the whole of today.
it was a combination of so many things
and everything seemed so screwed up.
but as i wrote this,
i realized i was the sole cause of my own shit.
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:11 AM
(0) comments
Monday, February 13, 2006
1) Who's at home now?
my little sister, me and the fat stupid cat
2) Did u go out yesterday?
yeaa
3) Do u prefer blue or pink?
pink, believe it or not
wait, actually that depends
4) What time did u wake up yesterday?
10am
5) Did u go anywhere yesterday?
wasn't this question just asked?
erm tampines
6) What did u do there?
spent time with mummy shopping
7) How old are u now?
nearly fifteen
8) What do u call your mother?
mum, mummy
9) Are u and your mom on good terms?
yeaa
10) Are u the only daughter in ur family?
haha.
nope
11) What perfume/cologne are u using?
at this moment? moonflower scent spray
12) Who did u last talk to?
my sister
13) Are u spoiled?
far from it i'd say
14) Do u want to get married?
definitely
15) With whom?
alastair?(:
16) Where do u think your friends are?
most of em are probably home
17) Do u think your friends need u now?
not right now,no
18) Where do u wish to be right now?
LA
19) When will u be buying a car?
for myself?
hopefully in about two or three years.
20) What type of car?
c'mon, who doesn't want a convertable?
21) If u were to be a car, what type will u
be?
a red porshe
22) Who do u wish to meet now?
alastair?
23) With your friends who do you wish to
meet?
my mom?
24) Who do u approach when u have
probs?
bestie,buu, mom, alastair
25) What do u want for your birthday?
i'm crazy about photoframes(:
26) What do you wish for xmas?
to be spending it in LA
27) Any piercings on u?
8
28) Would u like to have a tattoo?
i would like a couple more, yeaa
30) How many kids do u want?
4, i still want the fifth one actually
31) Any homework?
i think so.
well, i'll find out when the teacher asks for it and i don't have it.haha
32) Are u listening to any music now?
nah
33) Do u believe in miracles?
yea i do
34) Do u believe in fate?
i believe it might be planned or meant to be
35) When did u last cry?
earlier on today
36) When did u last smile?
just now when i heard alastair's voice
37) When did u last receive a gift?
today, for valentine's day
38) Who has the cutest smile uve ever
seen?
alastair(:
39) What do u want to tell your crush?
it's not a crush
40) Why are you answering this bulletin?
because there's not much else to do
41) Do u kiss your parents good night?
yeaa
42) Your eye colour?
brown.
43) Hairstyle?
dark brown, short
44) Are u being loved by someone?
mmhmm.i think so
45)How long u know ur lover?
2,3 years?
- xoxo
charis loves you
8:44 PM
(0) comments
Friday, February 10, 2006
it's just like thatit's just always like that
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:26 PM
(0) comments
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
tell me what i'm doing with my life
right now,
just tell me what i'm bloody
fucking doing with my bloody life.
- xoxo
charis loves you
9:31 AM
(0) comments
restrictions? ann na's sister's been picking her up from school
everything seems pretty messed up for lotsa people around i guess,
like vick said.
guess for me,
it's better than i could hope for.
mummy's talking to me at least.
she walked along the edge of the pavement,
the wind rushing through her hair,
she could almost pretend she had a life.
living in her perfect world imaginations where she was a brilliant horse-back rider where the wind whipped her hair out of place,
or the most popular girl in school where she was driving a convertable and she was so used to the wind blowing her hair out of place.
"stupid wind" she'd be muttering to herself in her daydream except in real life,
she loved it, she loved the wind like this.
she looked up at the clear blue sky, the formless clouds.
oh how she wished she could fly away and join them.
"May i Lord?" she had asked so many times.
was it suicide to ask to float among the clouds,
to be taken out of her world so far from her perfect daydreams,
was it suicide?
was it wrong?
she'd always had a thing for hospitals,
loved them and wondered what it'd be like to be a patient.
but few people knew that.
she had this secret thing about car crashes too.
no one, besides the odd one or two knew that either.
less people really knew her nowadays
stopping to take in a deep breath,
she looked around her.
scuffing her shoe in the sand, she looked up at the sky,
then back at the road.
"when," she wondered to herself,
"when would the perfect car being driven at the perfect speed come?"
"when would it come,"
she asked aloud
"to take away my pain?"
sighing,
she said to herself,
"never. things never was what she wanted. not most of the time anyway."
giving up,
she continued walking the route back home.
then she tripped where bits of the sidewalk's edge had chipped off
she felt herself falling
the sun she found herself looking at seemed to blind her and she couldn't see anything else
she heard car tires screech
she felt her eyes closing,
it was like she was really tired and could barely keep her eyes open.
she let them close as she felt her own blood, still warm,
all around her, slipping under her fingers even.
with her index finger she wrote one word on the dry hard ground of the road.
she hoped that word would be able to tell the world,
or the people in her world,
everything she couldn't really say.
sorry and this time,
it was for real
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:08 AM
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Monday, February 06, 2006
| You scored as Theater. You should be a Theater major! Like a bohemian actress, you are seasoned and confident and not afraid to express yourself!
Dance | | 100% | English | | 100% | Theater | | 100% | Journalism | | 100% | Art | | 92% | Linguistics | | 92% | Sociology | | 75% | Chemistry | | 75% | Anthropology | | 67% | Biology | | 67% | Psychology | | 58% | Philosophy | | 58% | Mathematics | | 50% | Engineering | | 17% |
What is your Perfect Major?
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i'm a theatre babe(:
- xoxo
charis loves you
9:14 PM
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fuming.
that's how i was at first.
cos i had laughed it off.
i lied but i wanted to make it into a joke.
of course, it wasn't a joke.
it couldn't be a joke.
i had only betrayed her trust again.
and over the most stupid thing too.
a phonecall.
my source of comfort wasn't too far away.
all else blurred in my mind
as i purposely,
forcefully whipped the piece of metal across my wrist.
it was huge, the gash.
i had one about this size before.
so i was unfazed in a sense,
i knew i wasn't going to die.
i knew i could from there though.
just leave my hand in a basin of water.
but no,
i didn't want to die.
i acknowledged i was simply venting my anger out on myself
i wanted to go outside and say sorry.
i knew it was my fault
no one else's.
but instead i just sat there
blood dripping everywhere.
my hands,
they tried to, but couldn't contain it.
my own blood
on my own hands
dripping all over my own legs.
my only thought then?
i don't wanna stain the bedsheets.
after a few minutes i got it into my head that i could actually use tissue and it'd be a lot more help.
so i cleaned everything off with tissue
i heard the phone ring
i couldn't let mummy find me like this
she opened the door
"it's elizabeth, take the call outside"
i said i had to pee
and rushed off to rinse everything away first
after the call
i lay on my bed
was it me or had the rain just gotten heavier?
i lay, unmoving
tissue on my wrist.
whether in order to stem the blood or cover the bloody thing i don't know.
everytime you wanna cut, think that for each cut, it's a thousand more on me shit.
i'm saying to myself now.
no.
i'm sorry.
this mess
oh gawd i'm not her daughter anymore,
my sorry came too late.
this time,
i was just too late.
i'm sorry
i'm sorry for everything
and i'm sorry
that my sorrys came too late
- xoxo
charis loves you
7:17 AM
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Thursday, February 02, 2006
two nights ago,
the lyrics of a song came back to me.
it was a song my mummy used to sing me to sleep with
this was something i saw on vicky's blog:
She peered out of the glass window, lights flashed by as she heard the laughters at the back. Everything was being harsh even the weather, it was cold and it dried her skin. Her face had lost its natural colour, her lips paled and her eyes cold and black. Her hair whipped violently against her pale face as the cold wind ate her. The driver was wreckless, she could feel her body being shifted, left, right, up down, front, back. This was going too wrong, yet she did not feel the need of wearing a seat belt. It did not matter to her if she flew out of the window and hit the cold hard ground. It did not matter if her head bleeds and her mind goes black. It did not matter, because all she wanted was to let the laughter go.
Laughter surrounded her, as she looked outside the window aimlessly. A tear fell, even though she tried so hard to hold it back. It dissapeared into her pale skin, the tear was gone, evaporated into the cold air. Her warm tear had now turned cold and joined the cruel weather.
This was wrong, the idea of wanting to die in an accident. To be dead on the side of the road, with no one she knew.
She paid the driver, and stepped out of the vehicle. She knew everything was going to be fine, after all, she did not die in no car crash. After all, she was still alive even though she sat without a seatbelt in the care of a very bad driver.
Life was going to be okay, she wanted to start a new. She had a good mind set, with butterflies and ponies. Yet a hard ball was stuck in her throat and her eyes turned hot despite the cold. She tucked her arms below her armipts to keep them warm.
A screech was heard.
Bright lights shone, she blocked the light with her blistened
It is now black, her blood is stained on the road side.
That was her wish, wasn't it?
haha
oh i can only wish
truth is,
i'm scared.
no one knows,
but hell i'm so scared.
i think it'll solve everything,
but deep inside me i know otherwise.
and i'm scared if it ends up too bad and there's no turning back,
then i'll be in an eternal flame.
literally.
i have so many doubts about my own christian faith nowadays
questions like does God really exist?
and how the hell do we know, really?
i'm supposed to know the answers to these questions.
and believe me,
i actually do.
but i don't know if i really believe them.
i don't know if i really believe myself.
yet somehow,
the idea of being in eternal darkness, heat and torture
is enough to stop me from stepping out onto the road,
in the pathway of that car going way past its speed limit
or is it?
okay,
charis should and shall stop thinking thoughts like these.
anyway,
it's all messed up between mummy and me now.
there's so much i wanna say to her
it's like i'm not trying at all,
but i am
i am and i want to.
mummy was my best friend and we used to share more or less everything
and now,
now it's like
i don't talk about mummy all that much now,
we're so so distant
so far away
suddenly janice is more important.
sigh
it's a catch 22 really,
that's what i realized as i was talking to calista this evening.
i centre my life around someone else,
i really don't mean to make my family feel left out,
or put them in second place.
but because i do that,
have my world wrapped around someone else,
my family feels left out.
janice and mummy grow closer
and suddenly,
i'm the one who's left out.
inside i know that i've always been happy,
proud almost,
that i'm closer to mummy than janice is
than she ever will be.
but suddenly,
it's like janice has replaced me.
she's taken over that special seat on mummy's right hand side
(or left because that's her good ear's side).
when we go out,
they walk in front while i trail on behind,
quiet most of the times
which is actually really different for someone like me
and because i'm all alone,
at the back most times,
i whip out my phone and start texting so i don't feel so alone.
then mummy turns around wanting to talk to me,
but she sees me apparently busy with my phone,
so she either gives up talking to me or gets mad that i'm always texting.
then i get more upset that she doesn't seem to understand and we both grow further and further apart.
it's a vicious cycle.
sometimes i feel like when i do wanna talk,
she's not really there.
but i'm just realizing,
maybe all the times she came back home early,
wanting, hoping to talk with me,
i was too busy for her.
Dear God,
what on earth am i supposed to do?i just tried going to her blog.
i realized i havn't been there for ages.
i thought it was ripples or something.
then i remembered "storms of life"
i typed storms into the address bar.
mummy's blog address didn't come up,
and i realize with this horrible pang that it's been so long since i last visited her blog, assuming she doesn't update,
that her blog address isn't even there in the address bar.
i remember one of the last few times she asked me if i went to her blog,
i said yes.
i had gone actually,
but just skimmed through her post.
something about angel tree.
i went back,
that familiar song came on as the page opened,
that song i had helped her put up on her blog.
i realized she had blogged a few more times since the last time i went.
i scrolled down to the last one i had read.
i saw my name,
i didn't remember seeing my name there before.
and then i read it.
i read what she had felt,
more or less what i had been feeling.
that there was this growing distance between us.
quote;
"I sense a wall building up between us, charis and i. and it hurts. she doesn't need me anymore... worse, she doesn't want me anymore. so long as i am able to pay for her expenses, her phone bills, let her use the computer, dun nag her, it's ok"
unquote
i'm reading this,
all this.
she's said it to me before,
but somehow it only hits me now.
when i'm reading it for myself.
i'm thinking,
"gawd. nonono. it's not like that"
but i realize it appears like that.
i've behaved like that.
i need mummy so much nowadays,
and i want her so much more.
but i don't show it,
and i guess sometimes i just feel
she's not really there anymore.
it's not that she's busier or anything
we've just gotten further apart and she's more of a mummy than my best friend now.
so i suddenly find myself so alone.
so so alone.
and i need my mummy so much.
so so much.
if only i could turn back time, and have you here with me if i don't get to say this,
if you don't hear it from my mouth,
mummy, know that i love you.
- xoxo
charis loves you
11:10 PM
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peeeeektooores!(: