with |ove; me

Monday, February 06, 2006

fuming.
that's how i was at first.
cos i had laughed it off.
i lied but i wanted to make it into a joke.
of course, it wasn't a joke.
it couldn't be a joke.
i had only betrayed her trust again.
and over the most stupid thing too.
a phonecall.

my source of comfort wasn't too far away.
all else blurred in my mind
as i purposely,
forcefully whipped the piece of metal across my wrist.

it was huge, the gash.
i had one about this size before.
so i was unfazed in a sense,
i knew i wasn't going to die.
i knew i could from there though.
just leave my hand in a basin of water.

but no,
i didn't want to die.
i acknowledged i was simply venting my anger out on myself
i wanted to go outside and say sorry.
i knew it was my fault
no one else's.

but instead i just sat there
blood dripping everywhere.
my hands,
they tried to, but couldn't contain it.
my own blood
on my own hands
dripping all over my own legs.

my only thought then?
i don't wanna stain the bedsheets.

after a few minutes i got it into my head that i could actually use tissue and it'd be a lot more help.
so i cleaned everything off with tissue

i heard the phone ring

i couldn't let mummy find me like this

she opened the door
"it's elizabeth, take the call outside"

i said i had to pee
and rushed off to rinse everything away first

after the call
i lay on my bed
was it me or had the rain just gotten heavier?
i lay, unmoving
tissue on my wrist.
whether in order to stem the blood or cover the bloody thing i don't know.

everytime you wanna cut, think that for each cut, it's a thousand more on me

shit.
i'm saying to myself now.
no.
i'm sorry.
this mess
oh gawd

i'm not her daughter anymore,
my sorry came too late.
this time,
i was just too late.

i'm sorry
i'm sorry for everything
and i'm sorry
that my sorrys came too late

- xoxo
charis loves you
7:17 AM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.