Thursday, February 02, 2006
two nights ago,
the lyrics of a song came back to me.
it was a song my mummy used to sing me to sleep with
this was something i saw on vicky's blog:
She peered out of the glass window, lights flashed by as she heard the laughters at the back. Everything was being harsh even the weather, it was cold and it dried her skin. Her face had lost its natural colour, her lips paled and her eyes cold and black. Her hair whipped violently against her pale face as the cold wind ate her. The driver was wreckless, she could feel her body being shifted, left, right, up down, front, back. This was going too wrong, yet she did not feel the need of wearing a seat belt. It did not matter to her if she flew out of the window and hit the cold hard ground. It did not matter if her head bleeds and her mind goes black. It did not matter, because all she wanted was to let the laughter go.
Laughter surrounded her, as she looked outside the window aimlessly. A tear fell, even though she tried so hard to hold it back. It dissapeared into her pale skin, the tear was gone, evaporated into the cold air. Her warm tear had now turned cold and joined the cruel weather.
This was wrong, the idea of wanting to die in an accident. To be dead on the side of the road, with no one she knew.
She paid the driver, and stepped out of the vehicle. She knew everything was going to be fine, after all, she did not die in no car crash. After all, she was still alive even though she sat without a seatbelt in the care of a very bad driver.
Life was going to be okay, she wanted to start a new. She had a good mind set, with butterflies and ponies. Yet a hard ball was stuck in her throat and her eyes turned hot despite the cold. She tucked her arms below her armipts to keep them warm.
A screech was heard.
Bright lights shone, she blocked the light with her blistened
It is now black, her blood is stained on the road side.
That was her wish, wasn't it?
haha
oh i can only wish
truth is,
i'm scared.
no one knows,
but hell i'm so scared.
i think it'll solve everything,
but deep inside me i know otherwise.
and i'm scared if it ends up too bad and there's no turning back,
then i'll be in an eternal flame.
literally.
i have so many doubts about my own christian faith nowadays
questions like does God really exist?
and how the hell do we know, really?
i'm supposed to know the answers to these questions.
and believe me,
i actually do.
but i don't know if i really believe them.
i don't know if i really believe myself.
yet somehow,
the idea of being in eternal darkness, heat and torture
is enough to stop me from stepping out onto the road,
in the pathway of that car going way past its speed limit
or is it?
okay,
charis should and shall stop thinking thoughts like these.
anyway,
it's all messed up between mummy and me now.
there's so much i wanna say to her
it's like i'm not trying at all,
but i am
i am and i want to.
mummy was my best friend and we used to share more or less everything
and now,
now it's like
i don't talk about mummy all that much now,
we're so so distant
so far away
suddenly janice is more important.
sigh
it's a catch 22 really,
that's what i realized as i was talking to calista this evening.
i centre my life around someone else,
i really don't mean to make my family feel left out,
or put them in second place.
but because i do that,
have my world wrapped around someone else,
my family feels left out.
janice and mummy grow closer
and suddenly,
i'm the one who's left out.
inside i know that i've always been happy,
proud almost,
that i'm closer to mummy than janice is
than she ever will be.
but suddenly,
it's like janice has replaced me.
she's taken over that special seat on mummy's right hand side
(or left because that's her good ear's side).
when we go out,
they walk in front while i trail on behind,
quiet most of the times
which is actually really different for someone like me
and because i'm all alone,
at the back most times,
i whip out my phone and start texting so i don't feel so alone.
then mummy turns around wanting to talk to me,
but she sees me apparently busy with my phone,
so she either gives up talking to me or gets mad that i'm always texting.
then i get more upset that she doesn't seem to understand and we both grow further and further apart.
it's a vicious cycle.
sometimes i feel like when i do wanna talk,
she's not really there.
but i'm just realizing,
maybe all the times she came back home early,
wanting, hoping to talk with me,
i was too busy for her.
Dear God,
what on earth am i supposed to do?i just tried going to her blog.
i realized i havn't been there for ages.
i thought it was ripples or something.
then i remembered "storms of life"
i typed storms into the address bar.
mummy's blog address didn't come up,
and i realize with this horrible pang that it's been so long since i last visited her blog, assuming she doesn't update,
that her blog address isn't even there in the address bar.
i remember one of the last few times she asked me if i went to her blog,
i said yes.
i had gone actually,
but just skimmed through her post.
something about angel tree.
i went back,
that familiar song came on as the page opened,
that song i had helped her put up on her blog.
i realized she had blogged a few more times since the last time i went.
i scrolled down to the last one i had read.
i saw my name,
i didn't remember seeing my name there before.
and then i read it.
i read what she had felt,
more or less what i had been feeling.
that there was this growing distance between us.
quote;
"I sense a wall building up between us, charis and i. and it hurts. she doesn't need me anymore... worse, she doesn't want me anymore. so long as i am able to pay for her expenses, her phone bills, let her use the computer, dun nag her, it's ok"
unquote
i'm reading this,
all this.
she's said it to me before,
but somehow it only hits me now.
when i'm reading it for myself.
i'm thinking,
"gawd. nonono. it's not like that"
but i realize it appears like that.
i've behaved like that.
i need mummy so much nowadays,
and i want her so much more.
but i don't show it,
and i guess sometimes i just feel
she's not really there anymore.
it's not that she's busier or anything
we've just gotten further apart and she's more of a mummy than my best friend now.
so i suddenly find myself so alone.
so so alone.
and i need my mummy so much.
so so much.
if only i could turn back time, and have you here with me if i don't get to say this,
if you don't hear it from my mouth,
mummy, know that i love you.
- xoxo
charis loves you
11:10 PM
peeeeektooores!(: