alone i was
before your love
when i saw you
i knew my life was touched

i saw your smile
and then i knew
that everything i felt
inside was true

i saw your smile
and then i knew
that i was gonna spend
my life with you


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Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Our goal in life is to TRY to be happy.... and sometime it take many years to get to that next level.
Education---- find you a good job-----a good job make money for you-----money only buy happiness-----finding spiritual happiness is the hard part.

Finding a good man or woman and finding true deep love is the hardest part of all.

that's what my uncle replied me when i told him i was rather envious of his free life.

it is kinda true though,
the part about education and stuff.
i guess i'm really looking at it now,
especially after what he said,
and thinking,
well if studying gets me nothing more than material happiness,
what am i studying for?

then again,
there was a time when i was thinking studying would get me to where i want to be.
say if i love analyzing people,
it wouldn't exactly be a material happiness i'd have found once i work my way up to being a psychiatrist.

i realized working doesn't always have to be about money.
studying doesn't always have to be about working to get money.
i'm working myself into seeing that my studying now is to allow me to do what i want to do in the future,
something i'll be happy with.

the thing is,
i love acting and singing.
especially when it comes to math,
i am extremely aware that i won't need to know what the hell indices are when i'm on stage acting out a dying grandmother.
neither would i need or for that matter, even want to know, how volcanoes are formed when i'm singing about how loves tears people apart.

okay,
knowing how volcanoes and waterfalls form are really interesting.
i want to know about it,
i want to know how they're formed because they're beautiful things.
but i don't want knowledge about that shit to be crammed into my head because of an upcoming test.
same thing with history and social studies.
i appear to hate it,
but i some ways,
i guess it's interesting finding out what happened in the past.
how horrible war times were and what people had to do.
but i'd rather read it from a gory book.

i don't want to know, down to the finest detail why the bloody hell tunku didn't bloody want merger.
and i really don't need to know how the brits left singapore all alooone and deep inside feel rather indignant that it's my country of which the teachers are telling my classmates are at fault for the fall of singapore.

okay,
anyone reading this might accuse me of defamation perhaps,
or something bad,
saying i'm insulting what the school teaches.
i'm not.
i'm stating facts.
since primary 3 i have had horrible looks from teachers and classmates cos i'm british and
"the British left singapore all alone. they cared more about their own war going on elsewhere"

do not narrow your eyes at me,
or rather at this.
because that's what the teacher bloody said.
and it says so in history textbooks too.

enough about history,
lets take biology.
i have a thing for biology and i absolutely love chemistry.
no, really.
i'm not kidding.
i always thought chemistry was really cool cos you get to mix up vials of goodness knows what to come up with some smelly purple liquid,
and biology's pretty cool.
it's nice studying for it believe it or not.

but i can't help wondering,
would i need to know that amylase digests carbohydrates even if i am acting as a fat lady on stage?

i've always been told,
our studying will come in useful one day.
mummy says you should learn even though you'll forget because even she can't remember what she was learning for A levels.

but then again,
if i know i'm gonna forget it then why am i trying so hard to learn it right now?
i'd rather learn in because i'm interested and remember it for life,
like how when i was once interested geography i remembered how waterfalls were formed.
i love waterfalls you see,
so why shouldn't i be interested in how they're formed?

unfortunately,
as much as i'd like to live my own life,
i cannot come to school based on what i like and don't like,
i cannot choose to learn and listen in class to what i want to because guess what,
whether we like it or not,
we'll have to memorize shit,
even if it's in our short term memory,
purely to score well in exams.

my uncle ron said finding true love and spiritual happiness is the hard part.
and i'm starting to wonder,
how the hell will i ever know?

i'm so sure i'm in love right now,
everything can seem so perfect.
but i sure as hell ain't having fun like my uncle ron is.

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:01 PM

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only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.