spinningspinningspinning.
tell me where we gonna go from here baby,
after promises of forever
infinite ever ended sooner than we thought eh?
- xoxo
charis loves you
10:42 PM
(0) comments
i put on the ring you gave me,
it's on my finger now.
reminding me of something we used to have
we used to share
does that mean anything baby?
does it?
why does a rose represent love when it just dies?
maybe from the beginning we knew,
that it'd come to us
three years,
three beautiful years
and we all fall down
- xoxo
charis loves you
5:01 PM
(0) comments
i had thee best 20 minute conversation i've had in ages
oh it meant,
such a lot
xoxo
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:43 AM
(0) comments
Sunday, February 25, 2007
baby you're all that i want
when you're lying here in my arms
i'm finding it hard to believe
we're in heaven
love is all that i need
and i found it there in your heart
it isn't too hard to see
we're in heaven
- xoxo
charis loves you
4:12 AM
(1) comments
go ahead,
we were history a long time ago anyway weren't we?
- xoxo
charis loves you
3:15 AM
(0) comments
i wish i knew how to break the spell
ah but it's cold outside
mmmm
there's two versions of the song which i've heard
and though i cannot stand jessica simpson's breathy
i'm-getting-fucked-voice, both songs are appealing in different ways
so i received devo zine in the mail tonight
yes,
with my published article in it and so i'm happyhappy(:
did like half of my sister's extremely belated birthday present
downed three glasses of wine,
wallowed in self pity for a bit before picking myself up
and submitting two more articles for devo zine
yes, i am rather in love with them(:
the phonecall was fine,
my unresolved issues of the night were slowly fading off
i guess it was when
you said what you did
topped off with a,
"you sound like you were expecting someone"
when i chirped into the phone
of course,
now you have to throw things back at me,
like how i'm in touch with dawn's student on friendster
gawd
fucking hell
i am so annoyed that i really don't want to talk about this
and in the winter extra blankets for the cold
yea, cos you aren't here, are you?
night world
- xoxo
charis loves you
2:30 AM
(0) comments
Thursday, February 22, 2007
i liked today,
alot(:
do you know how you make me feel?
how i ached when you said what you did,
because i felt so bad;
i didn't want you to be the last to know
really i didn't.
do you know how much you've meant to me,
and how important you are?
because you should know,
really you should
'nuff said
i loved today
now,
i'm going to help my sister with homework
ohtheamazement
cos i don't have any of my own eh?
get over it bitches,
i wrote a poem today
it's on my poem blog(:
sameold sameold
to the world that has been suddenly drawn here,
(if you have been drawn here, you'll know it's you) :
no,
i won't be doing the public apology because well
when i got molested and the guy got caught,
even he didn't have to do a public apology
those who have defamed the school havn't been made to do a public apology either
so you know what,
since it's all too clear anyways, i'll just spit it out raw for you darlings.
here, when you fall from grace they burn you, torture you and make sure the entire world knows about it
public apology because i've shamed the school?
i think not.
rather,
i think it is because they want everyone to see
how once upon a time, i represented so much but lookie look,
i've fallen and i must be marked and stained with shame
bear that in mind sweethearts,
when you hear the news flying about
lovelove!
- xoxo
charis loves you
10:19 PM
(0) comments
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
now,
how would you feel,
if you asked someone out to study and that someone gave you a vauge answer which obviously,
bordered on No,
due to lethargy perhaps or something.
but then, after that,
that person proceeded to go out with friends for a movie.
now,
how would you feel?
it's true,
i havn't really felt what it's like to have a boyfriend for some time now
oh, but just when it was getting good again.
perfect, wonderful and those little glitches,
getting glazed over
i thought it was perfect,
just those minor details
but everyone knows those minor details count ohsomuch
and those minor details were almost perfect,
and then.
now,
how would you feel?
i got a bunch a stuff back from school today;
i scored highest for literature assignment and i did kinda well for my literature test.
i also did well for my graded chem assignments,
one was a full five marks and the other, was an 8 out of 10
just when i was doing well eh?
tomorrow's the literature test,
i don't get why in all the other cases that i've heard of,
they get to go back to school to do their tests while i,
don't.
i think my literature will be pretty good anyways,
and even if my bio is struggling with all the extra info, my chemistry will pull it up
not that i should really bother because after all,
my first term this year,
isn't counted at all
after weeks of waking up on time, early
being in school and being so so caught up in the whirlwind of
whatneedstobedone,
i was so completely loss as to what to do today
i shuffled about,
singing random songs, eating random foods
and typing random stuff into the computer
and after i passed the computer over for my sister's usage,
i kinda shuffled about,
kinda paced back and forth for a bit,
wondering what it was that i had to do.
pathetic isn't it?
well it would be like that, you know
jumping from rushing limitless amounts of projects, homework and assignments
down to,
well absolutely nothing actually.
i'm working on an essay now.
hmm,
i ought to read it out for the public apology.
i heard that my class was told a story today
i heard that half of em believe it, which is expected,
and some of them don't,
but most people don't really care.
what i did hear though,
was that everyone sat up and was aghast about the public apology
okay, maybe not everyone. but it's nice to hear
your momma's so stupid,
she gave birth to you.
my momma's so fucking pissed,
she's gonna screw you upside down
watchwhereyou'regoingbitch
now,
how would you feel?
- xoxo
charis loves you
9:28 PM
(0) comments
Monday, February 19, 2007
Ignorance is bliss says:
private's are Real expensive though.
haha
omgomg!
do you get it?
privates are real expensive!
i know mine are priceless paddy!
hahahahaha
okay charis, shutup
'night world
- xoxo
charis loves you
11:52 PM
(0) comments
oh how i can completely identify
Dance Partners
My feet stumble
with every attempt
at a jump or a shuffle.
Dancing never came easy.
With you it was different.
I led, you followed;
or you led, and I was right behind.
Trouble iswe used to know the same steps;
but now, I step left
to find you’re leading right.
Sometimesyou’ve even left the floor.
When did the music change?
I hate the feeling
of having two left feet,
of being off beat,
one half-step behind.
Please don’t hang up
your dancing shoes.
I can still hear the music.
Judith
Canada
- xoxo
charis loves you
11:13 PM
(0) comments
today's bai nian-athon was pretty great
except of course, AS USUAL
i end up being the overdressed bimbo.
yes, i was actually in a freaking qi pao and everyone else was like.
casual
shit never changes man
so alastair's family came over for dinner tonight
it was hard work, but pretty worth it i guess
it was nice, and i havnt seen abigail for ages
she grows so fast,
and i realized, a part of me is scared that one day she'll grow up,
and i won't recognize her, and she won't remember me
silly isn't it?
maybe i tie it in with the children i havn't had yet
i'm scared i won't appreciate their childhood,
won't embrace it
and instead i'll be cursing having to change the diapers
and having to wake up at the weirdest hours
and the next minute,
my babies will be 18 and needing me to bail em outta jail for drunk driving or something.
that's where butterfly kisses come in don't they?
mmmm
haha.
stop thinking charis. stop thinking
anyway,
i've been pretty torn up about stuff
once again, feeling i'm just.
not enough, unimportant. the works.
it's like, you're going through something,
and i'm the last to know about it.
and then when i do,
you get pissed that i seem to just be giving you yet another lecture
i'm sorry then,
i really am.
that it's like i don't really seem to be able to help, no matter how i try
i don't wanna break down
i've done enough of that
i thought we had reached such a perfect peak
but as soon as we've arrived,
the beauty of it is fading quickly
i don't want to cry
tell me, what would you do?
why aren't i enough?
that's what i want to ask you.
how come everything's crumbling as soon as i touch it?
when did we become like this, why is it so sudden?
when did i become the least of your priorities?
when did you stop loving me?
that's a question i really need answered, honestly
when did you stop loving me?
- xoxo
charis loves you
10:17 PM
(0) comments
Thursday, February 15, 2007
i wish i was in school now
i really do
i miss the hype
and the lessons
and my friends
gawd i'm missing my group of friends so damn much
i heard about Chloe
and i just wish i could run across the road and hug her
sweetie, if you see this
smile for me okay?
i can hear the defence in Pris' words
and the charge she's taken into getting everyone to collect notes for different subjects on my behalf
i can hear the need to know pushed aside in Karishma's voice
thank you,
thank you ever so much
because i've never had friends like this and just thinking about you guys tears me up inside
i love you guys so much,
all five of you and i am so touched by your concern and knowledge of this utter unfairness
and i half wish that this didn't affect you as badly as it did
but thank you for being with me through this
i love you guys so much
as for all the questions the rest of you probably have ready to ask,
don't ask
and don't believe everything you hear
because facts get twisted
personal opinions get pulled in
and the real story gets messed up
the real story will of course,
only be heard by a few people
don't go trying to find out about it,
because that's unfair on them
be content with not knowing anything
although this goes against Singapore rules
i don't need to explain
and you don't need to know if it doesn't involve you
i know that rumours will slip out
and i know how ruined my reputation is and will be
as twisted facts get even more twisted
so i'm telling you, as a favour
don't believe everything you hear
because unless it came directly from me or my close group of friends,
it's probably not true
then again,
you can choose to believe what you hear and then say that my story is simply a cover up excuse
if that is what you think
and if it is what you want to think
then i have nothing to say
i cannot possibly announce and declare my side of the story
not that i would even bother to
facts will be facts
and i will tell you,
whoever you hear this warped story about
would most definitely have altered the facts in some way or other
that doesnt mean that you seek out the people who know and pester them for details
leave gossip alone
what you should know,
you will eventually know
thank you, to my dearest friends of 3c1
and i can't wait for our marvellous luncheon tomorrow(:
i love you oodles and oodles
hang in there for me,
and believe me
that's all i need
i suppose it's safe to say that yes, stuff has been going on with school
everything that's happened has affected me like crazy
and mummy and i are dealing with it
my biggest mistake,
was falling back in love with the school
because you see, if i didn't,
then i wouldnt have put in so much effort
and i wouldnt have gotten hurt like this
it's like this relationship you know?
you have this rough patch and you break up
then we got back together
i fell in love with school again
i fell harder
and more in love than i did back in sec 1
for seven weeks,
i came to school on time
i have finished and handed in every single piece of homework that has been given to us
graded or non graded i have put my best in
and even though i had promised myself to lay low and keep out of extra commitments,
i found myself involved in cheerleading and SYF
i was looking for teachers to help me with work so that i'd improve!
it was perfect, everything
and so i fell in love
and i was so in love
that i failed to remember an important lesson,
and that is,
when they say you've got a clean slate to start afresh,
they're lying through their teeth
because you're watched like a hawk
Like vultures in a desert, they circle you
waiting for you to trip and fall
wait for you to be too weak to get up immediately
and then they move in
and of course,
if you're not told off for little things,
it's because they're waiting
waiting for everything to pile up
so that there's more to feast on
More to feast on and enjoy.
yes,
my folly was falling in love with the school
"does what you've done show that you love the school?"
was what he asked
and i was smiling through my tears
yes,
i think what i've done has shown how much i love the school
when i can get paid to act but instead choose to spend time in SYF to push us to a Gold,
it's not for me,
it's for my school
and yes,
believe it or not,
i love the school and i love saying where i'm from
i think my first big mistake came when i agreed to write my class song.
i told you didn't i?
i put it up on my blog
i said,
this is a mistake,
because within hours of taking up the job,
i had completed the song
and i knew,
that my heart was falling all over again
and it did
i bought the new syllabus books
even though i had been so against it,
and i was studying
studying so hard
i was even paying attention in math
i passed my math test,
did you know that?
does it mean anything?
i went for PE,
every single lesson,
doing everything she asked.
on tuesday, my group had to organize a game for the whole class
we did an amazing race round the school
and the pe teacher loved it.
does that mean anything?
to you it mightn't
but to those who know how often i've feigned various illnesses to sit out during PE
this is a change
a change i willingly made
you might say that all this benefitted me
but i will now shamefully, yes shamefully admit
that as much as i had intended it to be for my own good
i was doing it because i wanted to be in this school
to have this school proud of me
because for some warped crazy reason
since i came in when i was thirteen,
i've always wanted to hear the principal say my name, and say
that i have done my school proud
but no matter what i've done,
representing the school at ACSI,
acting in Skins,
nothing.
zilch.
it hasn't been recognized
So what if SM Goh shook my hand and said my school should be proud of me?
what good does that do?
the acknowledgment i got, was in my cca certificate.
so what if i won first prize for public speaking competition in my level
i wasnt asked to represent the school, and thus did not "bring glory" to the school
so what if i used to stay back til 6pm every single day in sec1 to sweep the floor, empty the dustbin
and line the rusty cupboards with plastic so that my classmates' books wouldn't get dirty?
so what?
so what?
what has that done for me?
nothing!
that was why i fell out of love with school after a while
but then
this year,
within these seven weeks,
they seem so short now,
i fell in love again
i thought miracles could happen
obviously i was dreaming
you never wanted me back did you?
never really gave me a second chance like you said you would.
i got a chance alright,
a chance to prove you right
that i can't do it
that i cant cope being in a rigid society
and must, simply must, find a more relaxed place to accomadate my "unique" and different response to studying
you want to be proven right?
i'll let you have everything you want
will it make you happy?
because i know i'm still terribly in love with you
even now
that's why this hurts
and that's why,
although i'm annoyed,
im not angry,
i'm hurt.
that is why
it's funny when you find yourself
looking from the outside
i'm standing here,
but all i want
is to be over there
why did i let myself believe
miracles could happen
cos now i have to pretend
that i don't really care
i thought you were my fairytale
a dream when i'm not sleeping
a wish upon a star that's coming true
and everybody else could tell
that i confused my feelings with the truth
when there was me and you
i swore I knew the melody
That I heard you singing
And when you smiled You made me feel
Like I could sing along
But then you went and changed the words
Now my heart is empty
I'm only left with used-to-be's
and Once upon a song
Now I know you're not a fairytale
And dreams were meant for sleeping
And wishes on a star Just don't come true
Cause now even I tell That I confused my feelings with the truth
Cause I liked the view
When there was me and you
I can't believe that
I could be so blind
It's like you were floating
While I was falling
And I didn't mind
Cause I liked the view
Thought you felt it too
When there was me and you
yea, i didn't mind falling for you
and i thought you felt it too.
i thought you noticed my change and my effort
but obviously, it was all a figment of my imagination.
a figment,
of my imagination
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:04 PM
(0) comments
Monday, February 12, 2007
To alarming now to talk it out
Take your pictures down, shake it out
Truth or consequence, say it aloud
And use that evidence, and race it around
There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He's ordinary
Don't the best of them
Bleed it out
While the rest of them
Peter out
Truth or consequence, say it aloud
And use that evidence, and race it around
There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He's ordinary
There goes my hero
Leaving all the place
You know my hero
The one thats
There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He's ordinary
but oh aren't we all human, and you're still perfect in every way
to me you are,
i swear
she's a girl i thought i knew
but believe me, how people can be ohsodifferent
just 'nother one of them poseurs,
just 'nother one of them wannabes
i know, i know,
who i am to judge,
and pass these words over her?
if you were in my position,
you'd say the same thing
friend?
i think not
i don't know you at all
and you're the fake person i thought you to be when i first knew you
perhaps first time impressions are right after all.
the irony of this is that,
the two cases which made me realize this side of her,
the two people who it directly concerned are completely over it
more or less anyway and i can't say for sure
yes,
i am annoyed
so so annoyed
like pent up fumes inside me
and i look her and feel like telling her to her face how many of us are just so damn fucking tired of her facade
and i'm thinking
fucking show me who you are because i thought i knew you
i thought i did
and you know,
i don't even understand this annoyance or anger inside me
after all,
it's nothing that has exactly been personally yet
still,
i can feel her changed, distant attitude towards me
and i miss her
gawd i miss her so fucking much because
im remembering the time she'd come over for dinner
and the endless laughs we'd have
when did she become this person?
do people change as much as this when they hit sec 3?
do they go through that need to fit in stage like in sec1?
gawd i miss my level.
can't wait for valentine's day
and if you're my friend,
you oughta look forward to it too=D
i need to do prissy's book review.
whoopeedoo
what oh what ought i to dooo?
my endless love
there goes my hero,he's ordinary
but oh i love him more cos of that
- xoxo
charis loves you
10:30 PM
(1) comments
scumbag
it took me a while to get to blogging
though i had the page opened for quite a while
i will state here clearly, that alastair, this isn't for you to read
because i know how you feel about this
i am so annoyed, so pissed off
that i will write what i will, and guess what
i mean every word
at the beginning, i couldn't even be bothered to blog about this
now,
i will take the time to create an awareness
and oh believe me darlings,
this will not stay here
this story will spread
i gurantee you
i met marcus online when i was thirteen
more specifically, he found me on Friendster
now everyone knows what a favour that does
i went out with him once, just once
and before our little rendezvous, i made my rules clear
1)i don't kiss on first dates
2)i don't think highly of those who cross my boundaries and bend my rules
(my boyfriend after this was an exception and if you are familiar with who i'm talking about then shhh!)
of course, he crossed boundaries and i walked away
since then,
we would text at random
when he randomly needs to borrow cash,
something or another
when that happened, alastair called to tell him off
but even after we still kept in random contact
today, Pris and i discovered the marcus we were discussing was one and the same
he had asked us both out this morning
how fucking unbelieveable is that!
pris and i proceeded to play up our part to throw his stupidity back in his face and in the end we did, though not quite as dramatically as we had planned
he had the nerve to text the both of us saying how we had hurt him,
that we were vengeful,
that God never had anything against this "open-mindedness" on his part
why could we not love as God had loved us
Pris and i retaliated in very different ways
while she threw back bible verses at him to beat him at his own game,
i was fed up to the T with this little dirt bag and told him so
He could throw as much hypocritical bullshit at me but i was through
(yes, finally)
because i've believed him every single time he said he'd changed
Marcus, who is currently studying in Millenia Institute,
give christians and catholics a bad name
three years ago,
i was a strong enough christian to walk away
and now, i will honestly admit that though my ways are not as
christian-like as they used to be,
i am the same person
the same one who saw through his lies but fell for it all over again
yes, i have had enough
i never knew that such a dirtbag could exist in a human being until i met him
oh i could write more,
oh so much more but you know what,
there are really other things nagging me right now.
- xoxo
charis loves you
10:00 PM
(0) comments
Sunday, February 11, 2007
i'm feeling your lips leave mine,
as you whisper your sorry goodbyes
how does one say no,
take candy away from a baby
and hear it cry
week seven, here i come
geography test tomorrow
and a whole bunch right after cny
isn't school lovely
omg
i found this cutecute version of the school song
sung by yours truly of course
yesterday was pretty much a whirlwind for me
this moment
just this moment
where i wasn't charis,i wasn't there
it wasn't me walking outta that room
but it was me breathing in the fresh air and asking why
is it like that with all marriages?
would alastair have said something like that to me?
ever?
and then of course,
as we all do eventually,
i got over that
and then when i was home
it was just that.
well i felt, not for the first time that day
that i wasn't enough
but who am i kidding,
i can't ever be enough for you
as hard as i try,
as much as you say you love me,
and as much as i know you do
i also know,
how i can't be enough for you
every day,
every turn
in those odd moments,
i realize
and i know that
and i'm sorry
i'm so sorry for that
for not being enough for you
and i'm thinking,
one day i won't be enough for you to stay
won't be enough to look back and remember what we used to be and what we could be
one day everything i have and everything i've given
won't mean a thing
and all i'll see,
is you walking away from me
there goes my hero
watch him as he goes
there goes my hero
he's ordinary
and what more can i do now?
than love you with all i'll ever have
and hope you love me too.
your breath so soft in my ear,
as you tell me the words i dread to hear
that you will take this chance
jump, not knowing where you'll fall
still i know,
that i'll never leave
and i'm here for you to run back to
because no matter what,
i'm gonna love you
- xoxo
charis loves you
10:31 PM
(0) comments
Thursday, February 08, 2007
my Look Of The Year
my look of the year is basically one concentrating on not fucking up as much as possible
Sec 3 Take 2
you think it doesn't hurt?
watching my best friends move from class to class,
carrying on with their lives
while i do the same
i've got my life i've got to pick up again
and seeing my friend trash hers, all over again gets me so pissed off,
and so scared at the same time
without knowing it,
she's an influence on those around her
i'm looking at my class now,
and although i don't have a stand to say my words,
i'm thinking
don't screw up, you don't know what it's like
as irresponsible as i can be sometimes
and as slackerish as i know myself to be,
i'm looking at all this, knowing i can't fuck up
and i'm watching her
knowing without a doubt,
that something's gotta give, and it will
that's what i'm scared of most
anyway
i just finished reading my second library book
it's called crushed
oh shutup, we all know what i bookworm i am(:
is it possible for one to detest a character so much that one could wish to kill him
basically, cutting the long story short,
he cheated on her with her best friend
it was a silent break up supposedly
or perhaps,
he "mentally broke up with her"
i couldn't help the tears as i read past their silent break up,
the betrayal of her best friend
shutup again, cos yes, i'm emotional
reading these kinda books get me extremely vulnerable
and suddenly small and insecure
i'm scared of being left alone,
wondering why it is (and how) i feel that i'm not enough
reading about how the main character loved him
the fact remains,
it wasnt enough for him to stay, to think twice about leaving,
to think twice about cheating
and i think,
weren't my sister and i reasons for my father to stay?
wasn't my love enough to make him stay?
another part of the book talked about the teacher
and how her husband, a judge, asked her to pull the plug on him
he said "i don't have kids to live for, don't have a dog either"
her pride stopped her from saying "but you have me"
and that,
is how i feel
but you have me
was i not reason enough for him to stay?
then with trembling fingers i ask
ask if my love will be enough for you to stay
because when just anyone can say i love you
and turn around and leave
i wonder if they had anything that might've made them want to stay
i'm asking,
if i can be your reason to stay
if my love is enough for you
because most of the time,
i feel like i'm not enough
for anyone really.
this sounds emo, and i apologize with all my heart,
because this isn't usually me
but yes,
there are times when i feel
and then ackowledge,
that i'm not enough
i couldn't ever be
and i guess, it all starts with how i was never enough to keep my father from walking away.
i think alastair's gonna get pissed i keep talking about the divorce
sometimes it sounds like i can't let it go
like i'm always harping on and on about it
but see,
i've gotten over it
but one thing that i will never be able to forget
or let go of
is how
i wasnt enough to keep my father from walking out
and how even today,
i'm not enough, not good enough for
ohidon'tknow
a particular role perhaps,
i'm not good enough at singing to cut an album,
instead, i'm painfully in between
more examples which might support what i've been saying,
but then this will just become a horribly boring rant
so i'll end of here
mmm yes,
new year look
i've bought new spectacles!
wooopeeedooo
- xoxo
charis loves you
9:08 PM
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Wednesday, February 07, 2007
if love was meant to hurt as much as this,
we shoulda just been left in war
cos yes,
it tore me up inside
and it's still eating at me now
it just happened to be today, didn't it?
and no one's to blame
but somehow, someway or other
things like this seem to crop up
and you know, just happen
i suppose i'm an utter bitch to be so torn between my feelings
hoping against hope that you'll be okay
and the other part of me
saying "i told you so"
i hate to think
that i actually saw this coming
and as much as i get excited every single time,
i hold back just a bit
knowing it's not gonna be that perfect
that easy
i've got a lot to do with school and all
been absolutely swamped with work and test after test after test
i've another this friday, literature
helped annie out with lit this afternoon
our teacher's gonna help us along towards failure i'm telling you
i'm gonna go jogging now to clear my head
stacie orrico: what good is love when it keeps on hurting me
thing is,
it's only moments like these which break my heart so
other than that
you're perfect
so i say: make war, not love.
you scream, you fight and you kill.
it's better than loving, giving yourself totally to someone,
to have that part torn away from you
- xoxo
charis loves you
7:54 PM
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Monday, February 05, 2007
FUCKFUCKFUCK
rushing my graded lit assignment
i have SS which is far from done
and bio
and
fuck
urgh
and guess what
im blogging
telling you about my lack of time except im using these precious seconds to tell you so
shut up charis
someone bring me eye cream and
i need a hug
hello eye baaaaaaags
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:16 AM
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peeeeektooores!(: