with |ove; me

Thursday, February 15, 2007

i wish i was in school now

i really do

i miss the hype

and the lessons

and my friends

gawd i'm missing my group of friends so damn much

i heard about Chloe

and i just wish i could run across the road and hug her

sweetie, if you see this

smile for me okay?

i can hear the defence in Pris' words

and the charge she's taken into getting everyone to collect notes for different subjects on my behalf

i can hear the need to know pushed aside in Karishma's voice

thank you,

thank you ever so much

because i've never had friends like this and just thinking about you guys tears me up inside

i love you guys so much,

all five of you and i am so touched by your concern and knowledge of this utter unfairness

and i half wish that this didn't affect you as badly as it did

but thank you for being with me through this

i love you guys so much

as for all the questions the rest of you probably have ready to ask,

don't ask

and don't believe everything you hear

because facts get twisted

personal opinions get pulled in

and the real story gets messed up

the real story will of course,

only be heard by a few people

don't go trying to find out about it,

because that's unfair on them

be content with not knowing anything

although this goes against Singapore rules

i don't need to explain

and you don't need to know if it doesn't involve you

i know that rumours will slip out

and i know how ruined my reputation is and will be

as twisted facts get even more twisted

so i'm telling you, as a favour

don't believe everything you hear

because unless it came directly from me or my close group of friends,

it's probably not true

then again,

you can choose to believe what you hear and then say that my story is simply a cover up excuse

if that is what you think

and if it is what you want to think

then i have nothing to say

i cannot possibly announce and declare my side of the story

not that i would even bother to

facts will be facts

and i will tell you,

whoever you hear this warped story about

would most definitely have altered the facts in some way or other

that doesnt mean that you seek out the people who know and pester them for details

leave gossip alone

what you should know,

you will eventually know

thank you, to my dearest friends of 3c1

and i can't wait for our marvellous luncheon tomorrow(:

i love you oodles and oodles

hang in there for me,

and believe me

that's all i need

i suppose it's safe to say that yes, stuff has been going on with school

everything that's happened has affected me like crazy

and mummy and i are dealing with it

my biggest mistake,

was falling back in love with the school

because you see, if i didn't,

then i wouldnt have put in so much effort

and i wouldnt have gotten hurt like this

it's like this relationship you know?

you have this rough patch and you break up
then we got back together

i fell in love with school again

i fell harder

and more in love than i did back in sec 1

for seven weeks,

i came to school on time

i have finished and handed in every single piece of homework that has been given to us

graded or non graded i have put my best in

and even though i had promised myself to lay low and keep out of extra commitments,

i found myself involved in cheerleading and SYF

i was looking for teachers to help me with work so that i'd improve!

it was perfect, everything

and so i fell in love

and i was so in love

that i failed to remember an important lesson,

and that is,

when they say you've got a clean slate to start afresh,

they're lying through their teeth

because you're watched like a hawk

Like vultures in a desert, they circle you

waiting for you to trip and fall

wait for you to be too weak to get up immediately

and then they move in

and of course,

if you're not told off for little things,

it's because they're waiting

waiting for everything to pile up

so that there's more to feast on

More to feast on and enjoy.

yes,

my folly was falling in love with the school

"does what you've done show that you love the school?"

was what he asked

and i was smiling through my tears

yes,

i think what i've done has shown how much i love the school

when i can get paid to act but instead choose to spend time in SYF to push us to a Gold,

it's not for me,

it's for my school

and yes,

believe it or not,
i love the school and i love saying where i'm from

i think my first big mistake came when i agreed to write my class song.

i told you didn't i?

i put it up on my blog

i said,

this is a mistake,

because within hours of taking up the job,

i had completed the song

and i knew,

that my heart was falling all over again

and it did

i bought the new syllabus books

even though i had been so against it,

and i was studying

studying so hard

i was even paying attention in math

i passed my math test,

did you know that?

does it mean anything?

i went for PE,

every single lesson,

doing everything she asked.

on tuesday, my group had to organize a game for the whole class

we did an amazing race round the school

and the pe teacher loved it.

does that mean anything?

to you it mightn't

but to those who know how often i've feigned various illnesses to sit out during PE

this is a change

a change i willingly made

you might say that all this benefitted me

but i will now shamefully, yes shamefully admit

that as much as i had intended it to be for my own good

i was doing it because i wanted to be in this school

to have this school proud of me

because for some warped crazy reason

since i came in when i was thirteen,

i've always wanted to hear the principal say my name, and say

that i have done my school proud

but no matter what i've done,

representing the school at ACSI,

acting in Skins,

nothing.
zilch.

it hasn't been recognized

So what if SM Goh shook my hand and said my school should be proud of me?

what good does that do?

the acknowledgment i got, was in my cca certificate.

so what if i won first prize for public speaking competition in my level

i wasnt asked to represent the school, and thus did not "bring glory" to the school

so what if i used to stay back til 6pm every single day in sec1 to sweep the floor, empty the dustbin

and line the rusty cupboards with plastic so that my classmates' books wouldn't get dirty?

so what?

what has that done for me?

nothing!

that was why i fell out of love with school after a while

but then

this year,

within these seven weeks,

they seem so short now,

i fell in love again

i thought miracles could happen

obviously i was dreaming

you never wanted me back did you?

never really gave me a second chance like you said you would.

i got a chance alright,

a chance to prove you right

that i can't do it

that i cant cope being in a rigid society

and must, simply must, find a more relaxed place to accomadate my "unique" and different response to studying

you want to be proven right?

i'll let you have everything you want

will it make you happy?

because i know i'm still terribly in love with you

even now

that's why this hurts

and that's why,

although i'm annoyed,

im not angry,

i'm hurt.

that is why

it's funny when you find yourself
looking from the outside
i'm standing here,
but all i want
is to be over there

why did i let myself believe
miracles could happen
cos now i have to pretend
that i don't really care

i thought you were my fairytale
a dream when i'm not sleeping
a wish upon a star that's coming true
and everybody else could tell
that i confused my feelings with the truth
when there was me and you

i swore I knew the melody
That I heard you singing
And when you smiled You made me feel
Like I could sing along
But then you went and changed the words
Now my heart is empty
I'm only left with used-to-be's
and Once upon a song

Now I know you're not a fairytale
And dreams were meant for sleeping
And wishes on a star Just don't come true
Cause now even I tell That I confused my feelings with the truth
Cause I liked the view
When there was me and you
I can't believe that
I could be so blind
It's like you were floating
While I was falling
And I didn't mind

Cause I liked the view
Thought you felt it too
When there was me and you

yea, i didn't mind falling for you

and i thought you felt it too.

i thought you noticed my change and my effort

but obviously, it was all a figment of my imagination.

a figment,

of my imagination

- xoxo
charis loves you
12:04 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.