with |ove; me

Monday, February 19, 2007

today's bai nian-athon was pretty great
except of course, AS USUAL
i end up being the overdressed bimbo.

yes, i was actually in a freaking qi pao and everyone else was like.
casual
shit never changes man

so alastair's family came over for dinner tonight
it was hard work, but pretty worth it i guess
it was nice, and i havnt seen abigail for ages

she grows so fast,
and i realized, a part of me is scared that one day she'll grow up,
and i won't recognize her, and she won't remember me
silly isn't it?

maybe i tie it in with the children i havn't had yet
i'm scared i won't appreciate their childhood,
won't embrace it
and instead i'll be cursing having to change the diapers
and having to wake up at the weirdest hours
and the next minute,
my babies will be 18 and needing me to bail em outta jail for drunk driving or something.

that's where butterfly kisses come in don't they?
mmmm

haha.
stop thinking charis. stop thinking

anyway,
i've been pretty torn up about stuff
once again, feeling i'm just.
not enough, unimportant. the works.

it's like, you're going through something,
and i'm the last to know about it.
and then when i do,
you get pissed that i seem to just be giving you yet another lecture
i'm sorry then,
i really am.
that it's like i don't really seem to be able to help, no matter how i try

i don't wanna break down
i've done enough of that
i thought we had reached such a perfect peak
but as soon as we've arrived,
the beauty of it is fading quickly

i don't want to cry
tell me, what would you do?

why aren't i enough?
that's what i want to ask you.
how come everything's crumbling as soon as i touch it?
when did we become like this, why is it so sudden?
when did i become the least of your priorities?

when did you stop loving me?
that's a question i really need answered, honestly

when did you stop loving me?

- xoxo
charis loves you
10:17 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.