with |ove; me

Thursday, February 08, 2007

my Look Of The Year

my look of the year is basically one concentrating on not fucking up as much as possible
Sec 3 Take 2

you think it doesn't hurt?
watching my best friends move from class to class,
carrying on with their lives
while i do the same

i've got my life i've got to pick up again
and seeing my friend trash hers, all over again gets me so pissed off,
and so scared at the same time

without knowing it,
she's an influence on those around her
i'm looking at my class now,
and although i don't have a stand to say my words,
i'm thinking
don't screw up, you don't know what it's like

as irresponsible as i can be sometimes
and as slackerish as i know myself to be,
i'm looking at all this, knowing i can't fuck up
and i'm watching her
knowing without a doubt,
that something's gotta give, and it will
that's what i'm scared of most

anyway
i just finished reading my second library book
it's called crushed
oh shutup, we all know what i bookworm i am(:

is it possible for one to detest a character so much that one could wish to kill him
basically, cutting the long story short,
he cheated on her with her best friend
it was a silent break up supposedly
or perhaps,
he "mentally broke up with her"

i couldn't help the tears as i read past their silent break up,
the betrayal of her best friend
shutup again, cos yes, i'm emotional

reading these kinda books get me extremely vulnerable
and suddenly small and insecure
i'm scared of being left alone,
wondering why it is (and how) i feel that i'm not enough

reading about how the main character loved him
the fact remains,
it wasnt enough for him to stay, to think twice about leaving,
to think twice about cheating

and i think,
weren't my sister and i reasons for my father to stay?
wasn't my love enough to make him stay?

another part of the book talked about the teacher
and how her husband, a judge, asked her to pull the plug on him
he said "i don't have kids to live for, don't have a dog either"
her pride stopped her from saying "but you have me"

and that,
is how i feel
but you have me
was i not reason enough for him to stay?

then with trembling fingers i ask
ask if my love will be enough for you to stay
because when just anyone can say i love you
and turn around and leave
i wonder if they had anything that might've made them want to stay

i'm asking,
if i can be your reason to stay
if my love is enough for you
because most of the time,
i feel like i'm not enough
for anyone really.

this sounds emo, and i apologize with all my heart,
because this isn't usually me

but yes,
there are times when i feel
and then ackowledge,
that i'm not enough
i couldn't ever be

and i guess, it all starts with how i was never enough to keep my father from walking away.

i think alastair's gonna get pissed i keep talking about the divorce
sometimes it sounds like i can't let it go
like i'm always harping on and on about it

but see,
i've gotten over it
but one thing that i will never be able to forget
or let go of
is how
i wasnt enough to keep my father from walking out
and how even today,
i'm not enough, not good enough for
ohidon'tknow
a particular role perhaps,
i'm not good enough at singing to cut an album,
instead, i'm painfully in between

more examples which might support what i've been saying,
but then this will just become a horribly boring rant
so i'll end of here

mmm yes,
new year look

i've bought new spectacles!
wooopeeedooo

- xoxo
charis loves you
9:08 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.