with |ove; me

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

i'm pissed off, so i will be an unreasonable brat and type out my frustrations here

i can safely say,
honestly, happily almost(if not for what just happened)
that my relationship with my sister has improved tremendously over the past two, three days

sometimes i get pissed off, i yell
when janice is in a bad mood, she yells too
sometimes we're civil to each other,
other times we're splashing water at each other over some minor detail

whatever it is,
if you have a sibling not that much younger/older than you,
you will understand the ups and downs of sibling relationships
the love and hates
the good and the bad

my mother said tonight that i abuse my sister
and she emphasised how she would indeed use that word
sparked off by what, you might ask
my sister asked,not for the first time,
for her 2b chinese textbook
i'm rushing for deadlines and she's panicking at the last minute
so obviously, we're a little less than courteous
but nothing we're not used to
so i say "well thanks for telling me the day before"
(she needs it tomorrow)

the only other solution she can think of is to buy a new book
yes, she was across the house and yes, i shouldn't have raised my voice
but i did slightly,
to tell her why not just borrow it
i see the door close against my voice
now wouldn't that piss you off?

so i pretty much storm over to have my mother tell me i'm being inconsiderate
that's granted
then she tells me she was the one who told janice to shut the door so that i'll come in for her
that i don't admit that i'm wrong
okay, a whole lot of other stuff

yes, i was wrong for shouting across the house when my flatmate's asleep
and i was wrong for storming across with a "thumpthumpthump"
but raise your hand if you're not gonna get the least bit peeved because you're saying something, only to be ignored completely, and have the door shut in your face
this isn't my sister's fault in the least,
she was just doing what she was told

see,
this is what pisses me off
yes, janice and i fight like crazy
but those times that we found ourselves holding each other crying over either one of our parents
our playing together like we used to
was anyone there to see?
hmmm?

just as much as we fight,
we are civil to each other
we don't play together much anymore but we talk,
we're sisters
we communicate
we're friends
and yes
i will say we're friends

i'm rushing for my fucking art and being pissed off about something like this,
which inevitably has blown up into something bigger,
just pisses me off even more
i don't have the time to be pissed off
but look what's happening here

there have been times,
too may to count
where janice and i are like chatting at some part of the house
and our mother suddenly yells from the kitchen
"OIE OIE OIE WHAT'S GOING ON"
and janice and i kinda look at each other blankly

or we could be laughing, screaming even
and she charges in screaming
"STOP FIGHTING YOU TWO"
and even though that annoys me,
i burst out laughing with my sister,
who would laugh because in times like these,
she is the more goodnatured of the two

still
it's undeniable how that irks me

i will admit that i was mean to my sister when i was younger
and now,
on occassions i probably still am a bitch
but i feel like what i did against my sister as a kid is held against me til now

interference, be it from a mother or a boyfriend or a father,
unless asked,
doesn't really help all that much
and you parents ought to know that

kids will be kids
siblings will sort it out among themselves evenif it means they don't talk to each other for a couple of days
as long as you're not pitching us against each other,
we'll never come to fighting a war against each other

interference, is just that
interference

of course if it's something we cant agree on and we call you up yelling over the phone about the other
than step in
we've asked you to, after all

sometimes i think my mom doesn't get it because she doesnt have a sibling

i love my mom
and it's hard being a mother

but this incident just fucking pissed me off

now if you please,
i must get back to work.

- xoxo
charis loves you
11:45 PM

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how do i tell you that the only reason i'm being like this
is because i love you
i have, for a very long time
i seem unreasonable
so fucking unreasonable even to myself

the beautiful thing about this,
is that you don't even know it's going on

i'm reaching breaking point,
but i still don't know what to do
if i could advise someone in this exact situation i'd say
stop, and think

but i've done enough of that
in fact, too much
and all i am aware of
is how i feel about you
even though i can say, quite honestly,
that my heart belong to someone else
well and truly

still,
more than love, more than anything in this fucking world
i care about you
and i'm all fucked up inside thinking about what i can do
about what i want to do
and i realize,
i can't do anything
anything at all

we're too beautiful to touch
too fragile
and i couldn't
on top of me knowing, and being honest about
what i want in life
and basically,
there's someone else who i'm terribly in love with

yes
i suppose one can be in love with two people at the same time
but my love for the both of you is quite,
quite different

ohmygod
i'm going in circles arent i?

point of this,
i'm in love with a guy
crazily, undeniably, head over heels in love with him
but there's a girl i'll never forget

enough.
i have so much
so so sofuckingmuch that i have to do by tomorrow

i shall proceed to list it out here because it'll do me good to say it out

things to do:

today - compile art works,
poems, dvd, pieces, etc for tomorrow's submission

- study for chinese test tomorrow (YES! OMGOMG!)

-try not to freak out about the shit i have to do

tomorrow - finish up lit assignment
- go for house practice
- find a corner to crawl into so that i can cry for a bit

Friday - allhellbreakfuckingloose cos school'soutbutguesswhati'mstillstuck

thought you should know,
i've tried my best to let go
but i don't want to

better the devil i know than the kid i don't

- xoxo
charis loves you
2:45 PM

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Sunday, January 28, 2007

because we're still as perfect as ever aren't we?

it's been a week i struggled through
it's pretty much the same
monday - like omg! another week
wednesday - middle of the week at last but ohsotiring
friday - i hate fridays because i'm in school like for eleven hours straight
no, even the prospect of having the weekend stretched out before me doesnt make me any happier

so week after week it's pretty much like this

BUT i will pull through

lots of things have been peeving me but i suppose it's just my timeofthemonth coming up
something cool about that,
was that my last one started on the 30th of last month
i have this off notion that in a while,
the number will soon move and jump around and i'll end up having my period once in two months, not because i dont eat but rather simply because of the odd numbers

okay
i should stop talking about timeofthemonths on world wide web

aneeeewayyy
i'm extremely loooneeelyyy

no, seriously
i mean, with my new class, because of our screwed up timetable
i realized that every single day i go for breaks with different people
and we have two breaks a day
hurr

on top of that,
baby beegay, who i'm kinda closest to because ann and dory are the charmers and bird is just, well bird, baby beegay is busy with her twat
and i'm
hmmm
coping with new stuffs and more new stuffs and settling myself with my pretty lifeless life
bet you never thought charis would say that
but oh yes

meanwhile,
on friday night i had math tuition
ooh wow
after my looong week ending with a looong day
i had tuition for MATH
but oh you know,
it was sooo worth it because i think my math tutor is dayam cute
and daaaamn daaaamn hot

oh but what a shame,
i doubt he'll be my permanant tutor
depending on hmm
my grades i'm guessing

i've got math tuition today again
mmm, yummy

mathmathmath

i bet you'd never have thought i'd say that either
but wheee

okay shutup charis

i need to lost weight for chinese new year
i'm hoping to go swim with bird next week or something
except
she swims for 2 and a half hours straight
and if i'm in the pool for 2 and a half hours
i'll probably spend the first two hours floating around and farting in the pool
okay i make myself sound so gross
or maybe i'll stick to performing in vicky's pool
yes that's right,
performing
haha

we scream and sing and ~~annoy~~ entertain her neighbours
or more specifically, tanny's neighbours
we have stuff like
"do you know the muffin man?"
and vicky just chants
"MUFFIN MUFFIN MUFFIN"

oh yes,
and my sister splashes in the background floating around in the huge orange float

okay enough enough

things that have been happening recently have gotten me
well thinking,
thinking really hard about marrying the wrong guy and the children i might or might not have
having divorced parents and seeing broken families increase like all over the fucking place
honestly,
gets me fucking scared
scared that i'll marry the wrong guy
but more importantly
i don't want my children to end up being the ones crying themselves to sleep at night
or writing emo songs
or carving the names of their parents on their forearm
something that scared me even more was what my mom said
she said that marriage is a huge gamble
and you just gotta keep working at it

even though i'm someone who takes chances and risks
i don't want my marriage to be a gamble
i wanna know it's gonna work

now i sound crazy don't i?

ah wells

back to school tomorrow
back to unwinding more string from the very same ball

yours, all yours(:
i like your crazy jealous side,
but even more,
i like when you admit it to me afterwards

miles between us but i know you're right here

- xoxo
charis loves you
11:51 AM

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Saturday, January 27, 2007

I shouldn't love you but I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

I shouldn't love you but I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

[Chorus:]
Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around, I can't let ~~him~~ her win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
I just gotta say it all
Before I go
Just so you know

It's getting hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
I just gotta say it all
Before I go
Just so you know

just so you know

- xoxo
charis loves you
11:22 AM

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Thursday, January 25, 2007

girl i don't know how
you make me feel the way you do

- xoxo
charis loves you
3:15 PM

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Friday, January 19, 2007

wish i was like vicky, who's too tired to type anything

after yesterday's cheerleading my voice is pretty much gone

and when my throat goes,
so does the rest of my body
so throughout ld, while filling in for archanaa,
i was running a fever, had swollen fingers,
not to mention my horribly painful throat and
oh yes
i've got an ulcer right at the back of my mouth,
settled between my cheek and my teeth

today's long day included PE and afterwards,
at the end of my long day,
my last lesson being one where count jacob picked on moomoo and i,
i had eldds
acting took away being sick for a little bit
just a little

tired when i was home,
i started munching on what i found was reasonably small
and could munch on without hurting my throat

"it's just that you're crunching and crunching and you always complain about being fat"
what a wonderfully nice comment don't you think?
considering what happened last night which i had pretty much gotten over by the time we got on the phone

so i stop eating, i would like to tell you, and i'm lying on the bed
and you shout and tell me you hate my attitude
all this,
while i'm drained after 11hours straight in school as well as being
sick.

but oh, you do have such a lot to say don't you?
having not gone to school yesterday and being in school today for what,
2 hours?

i'm sorry then,
that when i was ill and needed something to bite on,
you felt that i was being hypocritical
simply by eating

because, please sir,
do tell me that you don't complain of being fat in the morning and then have dinner that same day

and look,
this isn't all there is anymore now is it?
because here you are,
throwing attempted balls of insults in my direction
and deciding you want to go to bed

go on,
go ahead

we'll let it all crumble beneath us now won't we?
we'll let our memories mist over
and simply
put up with each other now

i'm watching a friend of mine enjoy the whirlwind i once did,
quite some time ago now
i'm watching her laugh and smile
and get prettier, more beautiful by the day
as love always does for you

what we once had is now slipping from grasp
and i am left with my once had beens and used to bes

times we might try to recreate but perhaps can,
and never will ever be able to again

perhaps if this heads down the road we dread
we will never again take that chance on love
then i will tell you now
that i am glad i took that chance
and that i took it with you

- xoxo
charis loves you
10:09 PM

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Thursday, January 18, 2007

there're so many things that i'd like to blog about
but honestly,
i'm running out of time

still,
now that i've bothered to open up this page and start typing
i'll probably at least touch lightly the stuff i really want to talk about

i'd like to start off this post with an absolute miracle which i know i can only thank God for
i'll admit,
i'm not very christian-y
i've allowed myself to look at things without faith,
on purpose, i might add
i've pulled myself away, maybe because i wanted to run away for a while

maybe

still,
i believe in my God and yes, he does work wonders
Uncle John, who's always been like a grandfather to me
and is my mother's spiritual father, has been ill for a while

i havn't seen him in about a decade i think and i've really missed him
childhood memories do stick with you
he's been in and out of hospital and Aunty Esther, his wife, has been worried sick

last year, we found out, when he had peumonia and went for a check up,
that he had lung cancer.
Uncle John has been asking the elder's to pray over him and he believes ad has faith in Christ, alone.
this means, no medicine, if i'm not wrong.
5 minutes ago,
i just found out that he went for a recent check up with a professor,
and there are no cancer cells whatsoever
it was as if there weren't any to begin with.

that, is a miracle.

since we've started off with a christian touch,
chapel this week was good.
i paid attention, haha.

Deborah was a judge and other than that,
not much else is being said about her.
the preacher said that in those times, family was extremely important,
so one can assume she had her life in complete order which was why she was given the role of being a judge.
an example, for all to see
i definitely do not doubt her faith in God, but since there is room for assumptions about her family life, i'd like to think differently.

it reminded me too much of most of my school life,
how i've been told over and over again that my conduct and grades have to be good and because it wasn't,
that's why i was removed from the chapel team and had responsibilities taken away from me.
i was once told that i had been considered to represent the school in public speaking but they decided against me because my conduct wasn't in the least bit good.

true, if you can't be trusted with the small things,
how can you be trusted with the big things!
but everyone had seen and known my tendencies. that what i had a passion for, i went all out and put in a 110%
of course, the down side was that i would further neglect my studies and that's what the problem was.

Deborah was a good judge, and the people came to her to have their disputes settled.
it is assumed, she mantained an orderly household and was faithful in other aspects such as her marriage and all.
it is assumed.

i would like to think about the possibility of Deborah being a wild, crazy teenager. the adults might have frowned upon her but whatever anyone said, it was undeniable, her faith and love for the Lord.
i would like to think that.

and i would like to think that she did have her own set of problems.
maybe she and her husband were distant, even though they remained faithful.
distant because, being a judge, is extremely demanding on top of which, one has to remember the male ego.
for some it's okay, but for many others, they can't stand their wife being more sucessful, especially so much more; a judge.

i would like to think that even though Deborah mantained her outward appearances because she knew she had to, she had the same inner turmoils and conflicts.
she had arguements with her husband, whatshisnamethatstartswithL, when she came back late or her job resulted in an inconsistent dinner timing.
small, silly things like that.

perhaps, this is where she leaned on God most.
her life in disarray but still, she kept her faith and definitely remained a good role model.
after all, your life can be in an utter mess and the Lord will still use you.
He likes surprising us, as most of us should have realized by now.
He likes using the people we least expect and maybe,
Deborah was one of those people.

you don't have to be a good mother
(how do you define a good mother anyways!)
you don't have to have a perfect, orderly household
or even an amazing marriage
because whatever you are and however you are,
The Lord will use you. He will use us.

that's why i'd like to think that Deborah,
was a little less than perfect.
just like us.

this sounds so weird, coming from me.
but here you have it.

now, moving on

***********

i saw the picture and couldn't help the tears springing to my eyes
i would wonder, where she is right now
and wonder, if she loved me so much,
why she left.

i looked at the picture and i thought
what if this was all i had left,
what if this,
is all she has left now.

don't fall apart now,
please don't.
there are too many broken homes
too many broken children
too many boys who've had to stay strong and too many girls,
with tear stained faces.

don't fall apart now,
please don't
when the product of your marriage is waiting at the door of your home
there are too many little boys who have to hold their mothers as they cry for their fathers
too many little girls thinking of ways and ways to have everyone together

don't fall apart now,
please don't

don't fall apart now,
please don't

don't we all need miracles?
i'm praying for one for you.

- xoxo
charis loves you
10:33 PM

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Sunday, January 14, 2007

oh wow,
now havn't i been gone long!
i is going to updating!

there is so much for me to talk about really.
school and all
both the good and the bad
watching my friends moving on while i,
slowly gather up the same old books and try to go with the flow so to speak

i might talk about how i have finally gradually come to accept this new lifestyle
and perhaps, perhaps, bordering more on yes, most probably actually,
i will stay on at this school,
which i have never been able to stop loving, much to my mother's surprise
i don't blame them because i only have myself to blame
but it is undeniable,
the way they deceived my mother(yes, i will use that word)
and the way they're still screwing with my head.

i am tied down now,
because i agreed to be in SYF
albeit and understudy for the main character and the main character's mother
the possibility,
the might be,
of me actually having the role stares me in the face
and as it always does when it come to my love and passion,
there is absolutely no question about it
i will do it
even if it means i have to work hard just to be an understudy
so this ties me to the school at least until april
at least

then,
i got involved with my class,
involved a little deeper than i planned to
of course,
we havn't gelled yet, an i cant imagine doing that as well as my former class,
but still.
just like how we know we are getting in too deep when we name the kittens we know we must give away,
i let myself laugh and be loud and basically, be myself.
even just for on and off periods of time
and then,
i wrote my class song

it doesn't seem much
but it's pulled me deeper than i wanted to be
i wanted to be there on the surface,
just in the corner perhaps,
but i'm not.

i've fallen completely and utterly in love with my art class
with the ideas spilling out of nowhere
with the possibilities my teacher is holding out to me
i'm in love with such an unknown area which i can try
which i never thought possible before.

i'm held by my english class
Jacobs is really a good teacher
i am captured,
and i want to learn more
more about this language i thought i knew so much about and couldnt understand why i stopped loving.

i'm so caught
and now,
i want to cry
because i want to stay in this school so much

i'm taken back into my secondary one body
filled with passion and enthusiasm
and i think
didn't they see it?
why did i have to go wrong?

i realized,
wherever i go now,
wherever i move to,
UK, private school, neighbourhood school,
it's still the same.
i'll have to get new books,
study things anew
the only difference is,
i might get to do my O levels
so i've decided.
maybe i won't care about that.
maybe i won't so that i can do this year, and the next well

even if i don't stay for the end result.

all the teachers i've met this year
all they keep telling the class is,
"we're headig for the end"
they emphasize over and over how this year is not to be played
how this year,
is the beginning of the nightmare and the worst time to fool around
all i've heard from all the teachers
is how we ought to work hard nownownow

as far as i remember,last year,
even though yes, we were warned about O level year being tough and fast,
the teacher who first taught us,
an intern
she said
O levels are nothing, you don't have to freak out.
wait til you get to A levels

dont i sound like i'm blaming the world?
i'm not, i don't mean to
things go wrong sometimes
that's that
now i have to figure out what to do that's all

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:35 AM

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Tuesday, January 09, 2007

it is extremely lengthy.
but you must consider it is an assigned essay.
this is far from a blog post.
but do,
tell me your views.
i was quite proud of it because i came up with it pretty fast so,
happy reading.
hope the fonts dont get screwy.

“And we all fall down” is a phrase I think about together with a domino effect. I used to love dominos when I was younger. I would spend hours with my dad building a huge elaborate design of dominos which took up the whole living room, much to my mother’s annoyance, and we would take turns each time to push the first domino down and watch the rest tumble beautifully one after the other. My mother called it a mess, I called it art, but my dad called it chain reaction.

My father died the year I turned thirteen. After that, my whole family started to change. My mother pushed us in our studies to prove, probably mostly to herself, that being widowed did not mean she was incapable. I started to see a lot less of my older sister, or maybe it was just because she was hitting sixteen. My sister, who used to be an extremely bubbly, loud person became quieter at home but still listened to music so loud that you could hear it throughout the house. The only times are ever saw her was on her way out and on her way back into her room. My mother, on top of pushing us harder, pushed herself too. She started drinking a lot but was still able to climb up the position ladder at work.

I failed to see it at first, but bit by bit after my father’s death, my family was slowly falling apart. I resorted to cutting myself to help cope better. When I pressed the blade against my wrist and pulled it across, I felt like it was the only thing I had control over. As time went on, my mother gave up pushing my sister in her studies and instead, pushed me doubly hard. I managed to deal with my mother’s demands simply by cutting myself every time I felt she was asking too much of me. My sister too, had her own ways of coping with the control-freak my mother was slowly evolving into. By the time my sister finished High School, she had already had two abortions and was in a rehabilitation centre trying to get herself off whatever drugs she was hooked onto.

My mother, who blamed herself for my sister’s mistake, and, fearful that I might follow in my sister’s footsteps, cut back on her own office hours so that she could keep a closer watch on me. Because she worked less, she drank more, but she still kept me on a leash. She pushed me even harder than before and paid tutors to go through my work with me. After which, she would go through my work with me a second and third time, just to be absolutely sure I understood everything. I started cutting myself more often, and it really did help me pull through the increasingly long hours with my mother.

When my sister finally came out of the rehabilitation centre ad moved back home, my mother refused to talk to her. She felt that my sister was deliberately defying her attempts to show people how well we were coping without our father around. Honestly, I felt the only reason the three of us could “cope” was because we were finding different ways to deal with our emotions. My sister had her sex and drugs, my mother had her alcohol and I, well I had my cutting and these were all our emotional crutches which we leaned upon because we felt we needed to.

Three months after my sister moved back home, we found her dead on her bathroom floor. The white tiles were smeared with the blood from her wrist. It was evident that my older sister wanted her suicide plan to be absolutely fool-proof because she had downed quite a few sleeping pills together with alcohol. Apparently that was what killed her rather than her sliced artery, though that did not exactly help either. I guess my sister wanted to make sure that she would die either ways.

After my sister’s suicide, my mother quit her job and went into full time drinking. In one of her drunken stupors, she mistook me for my older sister and slapped me hard, demanding why I had to mess up my life. She cried herself to sleep in my bed that night. As soon as I could, I moved out to a smaller apartment. I did not hate my mother; it was just that, dealing with her like that every single day just wore me out. I visited my mother a couple of times a week and whatever mess ups I was having, I made sure I kept it well hidden from her. I still cut myself regularly as I dealt with college and boyfriends who broke your heart for the fun of it. It was the only way I knew how to cope and it was the best method, as far as I was concerned.

As expected, my mother’s health deteriorated and when she was suffering from liver failure, she, like my older sister, took her own life. It made me wonder how it was that some fathers could spend their whole lives drinking and abusing their kids and still live to say they’re sorry. Whereas on the other hand, my mother, who only started drinking after my father died, ended up the way she did. When I heard of my mother’s death and how she died, the tears did not come. Instead, I cut myself to vent. I cannot quite place the emotion I felt with my mother’s death. Perhaps it was anger at my mother for taking her own life, or maybe it was anger at my sister who did not help in the recovery of our family after my father died. Then there was a little part of me, which was angry at my father, for dying in the first place and sending our perfect world into a complete and utter mess.

Now, here I am, already twenty-five and stuck in an institution where they “help you deal with problems and emotions”. I was told that my cutting was a problem and against my wishes, I was checked into this place. My many years of studying, thanks to my mother, have gone to waste. I think the longer I stay in this place, the more I become like the crazy, quirky people around me. I spend my days arranging dominos again, just like I used to with my dad. It gets a little harder to expand the dominos over the whole room because some of the other people here, for whatever reasons they have, seem to get a kick out of destroying things. It hurts a lot when they do that, when they deliberately come over to the corner I’m in just to knock over my elaborately arranged dominos. They laugh in my face and piss all over my little domino pieces and it gets painful because these domino pieces are the only things that remind me that I used to have some sort of life way back then.

Just the other day, the cafeteria had small chicken pies, and they came in little pieces of aluminum. I saved my little piece of aluminum and started cutting myself after lights out. I felt the blood trickle down my arm a little and I felt so safe for the first time since the last time I tried cutting myself on the edge of the toilet paper dispenser. I felt so much calmer, so much more in control. I got out of bed that night and started quietly building and arranging my domino pieces. I started thinking about my dad, the way he used to laugh and the way we used to argue over who would push down the first domino. I started thinking about my mother, how before my dad’s death, when I was younger and she, happier I felt safe to run and cry in her arms on a rainy night. I thought about my older sister and how she used to sculpt small pieces for me out of her kiddies clay. As I worked, as I slowly built what I could with my limited domino pieces I thought of how my father’s death led to my sister’s which led to my mother’s death. “Chain reaction” my father would have called it, just like how he described the tumbling of our dominos.

As I completed my piece, and pushed down the very first domino I thought how my whole life sequence since my dad’s death was indeed very much like a chain reaction and how that was pretty much like the dominos that were falling one after the other right in front of me. I watched the dominos fall with my old child-like fascination and realized, like in this chain reaction, we all fall down.

1,502 words

- xoxo
charis loves you
3:43 AM

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Monday, January 08, 2007

friends have their lovers,
they got ~~men~~ girls on a string
there must be something terribly wrong with me

yes, i havn't blogged in ages.
i'm absolutely swamped with all kinds of crazy work,
and even as i type this i am attempting to write three essays simultaneously.

oh,
don't ask.

- xoxo
charis loves you
11:23 PM

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Monday, January 01, 2007

tell me why it is
that everything i know is changing
everything i once saw as perfect is now
different
tell me why it is
why it is
that i'm losing my grip on everything i touch
and what i hold so very dear to me feels like it's slipping,
slipping away.

why does everything feel like it's crumbling
where are you? when i need you so terribly

i don't, i can't understand why all this is happening

how perfect can crash in just a second
and how clear brown eyes can be a mess of eyeliner and mascara just as you raise your voice
just as that hint of annoyance comes back into the edge of your words

when it's over, that's the time i fall in love again

tell me why this is happening
tell me please,
help me make it right again
my perfect, didn't require much really
my perfect,
was just you

if it's wrong to love you,
then my heart just won't let me be right

- xoxo
charis loves you
10:34 PM

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happy new year,
have a fucktastic 2007

had fun at stacy's
and omg
i've been having this urge to club
and drink

but then again,
i've been drinking a hell lot these couple of weeks.
more specifically,
since the sentosa hut

and pretty much non stop
but not enough til i pass out
i think i got the highest at erm
ann's party?
compliments of her older sister

anyway,
i do hope everyone's been having fun
school starts on wednesday and (oh how brilliant this idea is)
we assemble at serangoon north ave one and walk all the way back
like hello?
i have to wake up an hour earlier for that

whaaat the fooook.
and i then have to walk all the way home
i think next year,
i'll walk home during recess to SLEEP
in my gorgeous sanctuary.
haha

nice countdown
xxx : EH MIDNIGHT ALREADY
xxx2 : no la five more minutes
xxx3 : midnight already la!
xxx4 : oh ya hor. eh eh happy new year.

hahaha
hilarious
of course it just got better when the guys came

OMG OMG OMG
SOOORYA'S BAAAACK
gawd i love annoying him=D

my wonderful evening was kinda ruined
and honestly,
i'm a tad but pissed off
because you know,
many times it's the way she says things,
also of course,
the contents and the words she bloody uses
and frankly,
it fucking pisses me off.

but you know,
world wide web,
so i'll bitch about this somewhere else.

laaadeedaaa
i've got a whole year stretched out in front of me
and i'm hoping it'll work out.
i'm starting singing classes!
i knowww!
hahaha
i'm really quite excited
you get to do gigs for exposure and stuff and eventually, when you're good enough,
they'll help you cut a cd
(no promises of course)

aye,
promises promises.
haha

have a happy life y'all

all my love

happy new year indeed

- xoxo
charis loves you
2:38 AM

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- xoxo
charis loves you
2:30 AM

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