with |ove; me

Sunday, January 14, 2007

oh wow,
now havn't i been gone long!
i is going to updating!

there is so much for me to talk about really.
school and all
both the good and the bad
watching my friends moving on while i,
slowly gather up the same old books and try to go with the flow so to speak

i might talk about how i have finally gradually come to accept this new lifestyle
and perhaps, perhaps, bordering more on yes, most probably actually,
i will stay on at this school,
which i have never been able to stop loving, much to my mother's surprise
i don't blame them because i only have myself to blame
but it is undeniable,
the way they deceived my mother(yes, i will use that word)
and the way they're still screwing with my head.

i am tied down now,
because i agreed to be in SYF
albeit and understudy for the main character and the main character's mother
the possibility,
the might be,
of me actually having the role stares me in the face
and as it always does when it come to my love and passion,
there is absolutely no question about it
i will do it
even if it means i have to work hard just to be an understudy
so this ties me to the school at least until april
at least

then,
i got involved with my class,
involved a little deeper than i planned to
of course,
we havn't gelled yet, an i cant imagine doing that as well as my former class,
but still.
just like how we know we are getting in too deep when we name the kittens we know we must give away,
i let myself laugh and be loud and basically, be myself.
even just for on and off periods of time
and then,
i wrote my class song

it doesn't seem much
but it's pulled me deeper than i wanted to be
i wanted to be there on the surface,
just in the corner perhaps,
but i'm not.

i've fallen completely and utterly in love with my art class
with the ideas spilling out of nowhere
with the possibilities my teacher is holding out to me
i'm in love with such an unknown area which i can try
which i never thought possible before.

i'm held by my english class
Jacobs is really a good teacher
i am captured,
and i want to learn more
more about this language i thought i knew so much about and couldnt understand why i stopped loving.

i'm so caught
and now,
i want to cry
because i want to stay in this school so much

i'm taken back into my secondary one body
filled with passion and enthusiasm
and i think
didn't they see it?
why did i have to go wrong?

i realized,
wherever i go now,
wherever i move to,
UK, private school, neighbourhood school,
it's still the same.
i'll have to get new books,
study things anew
the only difference is,
i might get to do my O levels
so i've decided.
maybe i won't care about that.
maybe i won't so that i can do this year, and the next well

even if i don't stay for the end result.

all the teachers i've met this year
all they keep telling the class is,
"we're headig for the end"
they emphasize over and over how this year is not to be played
how this year,
is the beginning of the nightmare and the worst time to fool around
all i've heard from all the teachers
is how we ought to work hard nownownow

as far as i remember,last year,
even though yes, we were warned about O level year being tough and fast,
the teacher who first taught us,
an intern
she said
O levels are nothing, you don't have to freak out.
wait til you get to A levels

dont i sound like i'm blaming the world?
i'm not, i don't mean to
things go wrong sometimes
that's that
now i have to figure out what to do that's all

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:35 AM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.