with |ove; me

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

how do i tell you that the only reason i'm being like this
is because i love you
i have, for a very long time
i seem unreasonable
so fucking unreasonable even to myself

the beautiful thing about this,
is that you don't even know it's going on

i'm reaching breaking point,
but i still don't know what to do
if i could advise someone in this exact situation i'd say
stop, and think

but i've done enough of that
in fact, too much
and all i am aware of
is how i feel about you
even though i can say, quite honestly,
that my heart belong to someone else
well and truly

still,
more than love, more than anything in this fucking world
i care about you
and i'm all fucked up inside thinking about what i can do
about what i want to do
and i realize,
i can't do anything
anything at all

we're too beautiful to touch
too fragile
and i couldn't
on top of me knowing, and being honest about
what i want in life
and basically,
there's someone else who i'm terribly in love with

yes
i suppose one can be in love with two people at the same time
but my love for the both of you is quite,
quite different

ohmygod
i'm going in circles arent i?

point of this,
i'm in love with a guy
crazily, undeniably, head over heels in love with him
but there's a girl i'll never forget

enough.
i have so much
so so sofuckingmuch that i have to do by tomorrow

i shall proceed to list it out here because it'll do me good to say it out

things to do:

today - compile art works,
poems, dvd, pieces, etc for tomorrow's submission

- study for chinese test tomorrow (YES! OMGOMG!)

-try not to freak out about the shit i have to do

tomorrow - finish up lit assignment
- go for house practice
- find a corner to crawl into so that i can cry for a bit

Friday - allhellbreakfuckingloose cos school'soutbutguesswhati'mstillstuck

thought you should know,
i've tried my best to let go
but i don't want to

better the devil i know than the kid i don't

- xoxo
charis loves you
2:45 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.