Tuesday, May 31, 2005
and then i found out again why we're best friends .
or why you're my best friend .
stupidly coincidental really .
for you it's,
it's not your fault .
life is so full of screw ups .
i should know .
i never thought that..
but ohh wells
i can only say i feel extremely stupid .
extremely .
but then,
who could blame me?
i really didn't think .
sometimes,
we really do have to listen to what mummy has to say .
you know how in cartoons,when the person gets rejected,
there's a loud "bleeep"
and a bright red 'reject'
is stamped across that person's forehead .
no i don't feel like that .
but i sure as hell feel like how that person would've felt .
it's weird .
almost like history repeating itself,
except so much clearer .
but i don't want it to,
i don't want history to repeat itself .
once,you told me she said,
"if you see me out with another guy,it's not because i like him.but because you never had the guts to ask me out."
girls should adopt this as some personal motto or something .
it gets so tiring,i don't know how other people cope going in and out of relationships all the time .
no,don't give up .
but don't try to hard either .
tomorrow,
drink and be merry.
this just gets stupid and silly .
isn't life?
i wonder why we all even bother .
and i wonder why there aren't more unstraight people around .
not that it'd be a good thing .
but it don't sound so bad either .
someone slap me please .
im talking nuts here .
i've cried til i can no more .
still no one was there to pick me off the floor .
but in the other corner,you sat curled up .
you didnt see me,
but i saw you cry .
guess we're linked in more ways imaginable .
like stupid screwed up plights .world of my own-
you broke down my walls,
made me cry .
now i'll watch,
as you walk by
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:55 AM
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Monday, May 30, 2005
it's the start of holidays,
doesn't feel much like it though .
can't remember when i last used the computer .
nothing seems interesting now .
i miss the company of my friends .
last year,
there was hardly a day we didn't spend together .
now,
it just seems different .
so very different .
i'm hoping to start waitressing at abi's aunt's restaurant .
will be looking after wittle kiddies this wednesday,
heading back to my old childcare centre,accompanying em to big splash .
wow .whee .
excuse my lack of enthusiasm .
as i said,
nothing seems interesting now .
i'm gonna do storytelling at the library too .
come bring your wittle brother or sister=]
in tow friday's time,from 7-7.30pm .
it's cute,
being with little children .
i know i aint that old myself,
but it's just nice .
haha .
i'm off .
the computer's boring .
cocktail party tomorrow .
me liike .
world of my own-
i want this to be true,
and ever so real .
i shouldnt believe stupid stuff like that,
i know .
but
i think i'm reading into things too much .
wayy too much .
- xoxo
charis loves you
5:48 PM
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Tuesday, May 24, 2005
i was going to type a whole lot of stuff .
update the world on what's been going on .
like how my kid sister did NKF donations which was real sweet of her and all .
except it's charged to us .
or like,
how i've screwed up on my term's results .
i had happy stuff to add too .
like how the term's coming to end,
how i'm gonna dye my haird blue .
how i'm gonna chill out and get down to concentrating on work .
but then .
something else happened .
unexpected .
only wordsleave me alone,
just right now .
leave me bloody alone .
- xoxo
charis loves you
11:22 PM
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Saturday, May 21, 2005
i just read this sad sad book .
this fifteen year old black guy was shot by cops .
mistaken identity .
and it told of how his white girlfriend couldnt get over him .
i lay in bed crying for a bit after that .
no,
dont worry,
im not depressed again .
but think about it .
make time and
think .
can you imagine losing someone you love?
no,
not your mummy or daddy .
a best friend perhaps,
or a boyfriend, maybe a husband .
picture that someone maybe,
coming towards you ,perhaps crossing the road .
and then gets hit by a car .
hear yourself scream and picture yourself running over to see if he/she is ok .
see and feel yourself cry and imagine his/her's warm hand slipping out of yours and losing that person to the other side .
what if you never told the person how much you loved him/her?
what if .
-world of my own
imagine love
imagine death
imagine livin in a world that he has left .
imagine tears
imagine pain
imagine love that's lasted longer than our years .
imagine life without him by your side
imagine him not there when you cry .
imagine him
imagine you
imagine promising to be forever true .
imagine imagining & dreaming
imagine loving him but not telling
imagine nights
nights all alone
imagine him so far out of your sight .
imagine him not with you
imagine never saying words so few
imagine him
imagine you
& tonight
just tell him
"darling i love you"
- xoxo
charis loves you
4:03 PM
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ohh,
i tidied up my room .
round of applause please!
-bows .
it's brilliant .
my room actually isn't that small after all .
haha .
and
-GASP!
i can actually see the floor !
i woke up at about three i think,
or was it two?
and i havnt been able to sleep again,
at least not properly .
close eyes for about a minute or two .
im heading off again .
stupid bout of insomnia .
i love my room
i love my room
i love my room
haha .
i think i'll head off soon .
liike now .
toodles .
- xoxo
charis loves you
5:49 AM
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walk-a-jog wasn't as bad as i expected .
we were made to stand out in the sun for goodness know what though .
went to seletar country club with the band after that .
bowling and pool .
sophisticated janice and i,
barbaric shufen and abi .
it's been ages since i went out and had fun with friends .
nice plain, clean fun .
i wonder where those times went,
where after-school hours were spent or rather,wasted in town,
on movies,or chilling out and simply being with each other,
much to the despair of our teachers .
now,
everyone's found something or someone else,
fun isn't fun without booze .
please tell me,someone,
that this is only for the moment .
that this'll only last for a while before everything returns to as it was before .
being where i was for those few hours,
it was like,
i was there and i wasn't .
honestly,
the band,we weren't ever like,
close or anything .
we don't hang out that much in school .
but we just
gel .
it's wonderfully wonderful .
and the time i spent with them,unforgettable .
we walked a looong lonely road to get to the bustop .
except the road wasn't all that looong and lonely .
cos we were there,
even if it was just the four of us .
we were singing or practically screaming songs like
"cos you know i'd walk a thousand miles if i could just see youuuu"
and
"i walk a lonely road .on the boulevard of broken dreams"
and we'd hum the bits we didn't know .
the people driving past us probably thought we were nuts or something .
we're not far from it .
our band,who by the way,doesnt have a band name yet,needs funds=]
haha .
how does
supercalifragilisticexpiellidocious sound?
i'm up for that .
haha .
we still need funds anyway .
we're all hoping to work at abi's aunt's restauraunt .
world of my own -
i'm sorry .
so sorry,
for hurting you .
i guess
i don't really think
before the words spill
out of my mouth .
i love you .
i need you to know that .
i love you more than you'll ever know .
- xoxo
charis loves you
5:20 AM
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Wednesday, May 18, 2005
at last .
just another week and it'll be a month of free time=]
i can do it .
i can do it .grades havn't been bril .
they never have been .
my class mates have moved on to some triangle thing with weird formulas while i,
on the other hand,
am still trying to figure out simultaneous equations .
it's impossibly hard .
impossibly hard .
i'm giving my room a makeover=]my last theme,
back when you could still see the floor,
was an aromatherapic kind of thing .
the kind where you walk into my room and you just wanna flop onto the bed and sleep .
my room's gonna be similar now,
except ,
probably nicer to live in=]
i'm actually putting in effort to do this .
cleaning up is addictive .
- xoxo
charis loves you
3:30 PM
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Tuesday, May 17, 2005
there is no particular reason why i'm typing .
didn't go to school once again .
i'm all woozy .
i'm fed up with myself,can't seem to raise money for the school's walk-a-jog .
i'm going out to go ask for donations later =]
it's strange,
the consequence of our actions .
i'd never have imagined,
but obviously we never really knew you anyway .
not really .
thank you,
you've made him give up on us christians .
thank you,
you've made him give up on people .it's sad .sad and strange .
- xoxo
charis loves you
6:01 PM
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Saturday, May 14, 2005
i was brought out of my negativity thanks to a very special someone in my life .
wait,
a few special someones .
two on earth and one up there=]
didn't plan on leaving the house this afternoon .
i wanted to stay home and wallow in self pity .
i cried it out then prayed .
and taa daa .
i changed, flew out of the house and cabbed it from tanah merah to changi green .
let the nice nice cabby keep the change,
i mean,i was in a good mood .
and damn was i in a good mood .
the rest of the day passed on brilliantly,
as it always seems to when one is happy .
haha .
i am undeniably,unexplainably overwhelmed with happiness .
it was bucketing down just now .
and we had to cross the road to get home,
so slipping off my shoes we ran across the road .
mummy and i got caught on the pavement between the second half of the road and our block .
haha .
mann we were soaked .
im off .
don't wanna get peumonia .
-world of my own
dance with me in the rain,
with nothing more than underwear .
- xoxo
charis loves you
11:56 PM
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i once swore that the tears i'd shed over guys would become the ice around my heart .
that way i'd be colder,
but less likely to get myself hurt .
that was ages ago of course .
and i seem to still hurt as easy .
but i never thought i'd cry over a guy again .
unless he's dead or something and was like,
a good friend of mine .
but i guess i'm wrong .
so very wrong .
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:09 AM
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Friday, May 13, 2005
sometimes you can only be there for a person .
sometimes you stand at a side,
not knowing what to do .
sometimes a whole bunch of stuff happens right in front of you and you're not very sure of what's going on .
you're just kinda in the middle of it all .
sometimes you'd like to help but you don't know how .
sometimes there's stuff going on inside you and you don't understand it .
sometimes you just mess up your life,
then you mess up other people's too .
sometimes you get, emotional-world of my own
something's going on .
except i honestly don't know what .
i wanna scream and cry ,
curl up in a corner and die .
i wanna cut so deep ,
and yell out why .
because i don't bloody understand though i wish i did .have you ever been somewhere but not actually be there?
like you're physically there .
possibly even mentally there,
but you're not
there .
not really .
break down -
- xoxo
charis loves you
11:49 PM
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Thursday, May 12, 2005
I’ve been letting you down, down
Girl I know I’ve been such a fool
Giving in to temptation
When I should’ve played it cool
The situation got out of hand
I hope you understand
[chorus]
It can happen to..
Anyone of us, anyone you think of
Anyone can fall
Anyone can hurt someone they love
Hearts will break
’cause I made a stupid mistake
It can happen to..
Anyone of us, say you will forgive me
Anyone can fail
Say you will believe me
I can’t take my heart will break
’cause I made a stupid mistake
A stupid mistake
She was kind of exciting
A little crazy I should’ve known
She must have altered my senses
’cause I offered to walk her home
The situation got out of hand
I hope you understand
[chorus]
A stupid mistake
She means nothing to me
(nothing to me)
I swear every word is true
Don’t wanna lose you
i used to love this song .
until i heard it today and realized,
he's an asshole .
will some nice guy prove me wrong?
that guys aren't all that bad?
i've only seen like,
three so far?
probably many many more of course,
but the assholes have kinda outnumbered the gentlemen .
hah .
- xoxo
charis loves you
8:56 PM
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fuck carbs and depression .
no one's there anyway .
screw it all .
oooh .
i was made happy by a little girl on the bus today .
after such a stupidly stupid day
where highly educated fat rich people in business suits rushing home to some taitai wife kept bumping into me .
and some biotch tells me in school to go do my own work,
and some other biotch bumps into me at the entrance of some tiny shop
and some wrinkly old man say "excooose me" right into my ear
ANYWAY .
this little girl on the bus made my day simply by moving over a little as i sat my fat ass down beside her on the bus .
she was sooo sweeeet .
and she'll never know how she made me smile .
i was so happy,
if only for a while .
hah .
i wish i could do that too .
make someone's day without knowing it .
it's nice isn't it?
- xoxo
charis loves you
7:32 PM
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Wednesday, May 11, 2005
someone once said being single sucks .
a different person said that sometimes you just want a guy in your life even,as i explained, you don't necessarily need one .
i disagree with the first statement and have no comments on the second .
what i do know though,
is that it hurts much much more to be alone .
to sit in a crowd, not be an outcast yet still feel alone and lost .
it pains more than pining for someone or feeling being single sucks, when you sit in your room alone and wonder where everyone else is .
i do my very best not to wallow in self pity .
it's stupid .
but occassionally,
just occassionally,
i like sitting and thinking and inevitably the tears come .
haha .
it's silly really .
and you're gonna stare at this post and go
"wha..?stupid thing this girl "
i swear im just typing out whatever comes into my head now .
im off .
i have a composition to write .
no,i still don't know why i cried or why i'm crying .
im still figuring that out .
- xoxo
charis loves you
9:45 PM
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i'm sitting here,
tears streaking my powdered face
it's all a mask
something to hide it all,
but you don't know me
you don't even see .
i've lost the person i used to be,
somewhere inside,
she's still alive .
but in this life i'm living,
she's not good enough .
i'm not good enough .
i'll never be .
-to the person i never knew .i didn't know her,never even seen her, like Ner did .
but knowing that not too long ago she was in the very same uniform as i,
studying similar subjects,
listening to the same old teachers drone on in class makes me feel like i did know her .
somehow .
she's someone i'd have called "jie jie" back in primary school if i'd seen her .
a pl-lite .
the guy preaching in chapel talked about her today .
bloody hell i could've stood up right there and yelled at him to look at another side of the story .
the story he revealed which he used in connection with today's topic
"avoiding emotional abuse" i kind of understood .
but he viewed sheena in a bad light .
made the rest of the level,those who didn't know her, think "the girl's crazy"
he harped on about lesbianism and how it was wrong .
what does that bloody have to do with anything?
then he said "in JC she then moved her focus onto boy-girl relationships"
i quote Calista Low ,
"girl-girl you not happy, boy-girl also got problem .what you want?"
i didn't see Ner in school today,but i wish i was there to hold her tight and tell her to block out what the guy was saying .
it was sad,yes,that she took her own life .
it was indeed, a waste of what could've been a wonderful,happy life that she might've enjoyed in the future .
but no one gives an eff when you're bloody sad and there's no one there .
i don't know about her,but whatever it was that made her decide she didn't want to put up with anything anymore,whatever it is that drove her to breaking point made her forget that she had friends and loved ones around her .
i don't know what's happening right now .
but i'm bloody depressed .
not depressed depressed as in suicidal,
but just,
crying depressed .
and i don't effing know why .
i think it's a whole bunch of things .
the last book i read,
the book i'm reading now,
topped off with the fact that i'm missing my daddy and i'm hating myself for it .
frig .
he doesn't bloody deserve to be even thought about .
the last book i read began about how a guy left his wife to screw his secretary .
the book i'm reading now,
it's the most stupid book i ever thought i'd pick up by the way,
was talking about this whole lot of lovey-dovey couples who have each other and the guy who's supposed to be crazily in love with his girlfriend is screwing some fugly girl with yellow teeth which turns him on .
on top of the realization of what ass holes guys can be hitting me hard like a blow to the stomach,
i'm listening to this really sad song which i don't want to stop listening to,ever .
i feel better and even worse at the same time,crying it all out you know?
what is love?
and why do we fall in love?
why do we keep falling in love even after we've been hurt?
some kinda see love as a drug .
it just numbs everything else .
makes you fly but leaves you crashing harder than before .
i don't understand alot of the things i'm typing out right now .
don't understand alot of the things i'm saying,
trying to understand .
i don't know if i want to .
it's not really fair,
just saying guys are ass-holes .
but many times it's the girl who gets hurt .
or the girl who's willing to forgive the guy after an affair when if it it's the other way around the guy would be outta her life so fast her head would spin .
i don't know what i'm afraid of .
maybe it's getting hurt .
i think maybe i should just live alone forever and ever,
as a stinky old woman with ninety cats .
no wait,
it would hurt too much if my cat dies .
so maybe i'll just live alone and die alone .
no-one'll knoe me and i needn't know anyone .
that way,
no one will cry at my funeral .
that somehow doesn't really make sense either .
maybe we should all turn lesbian or something .
then again,
same sex relationships isn't any different from opposite sex relationships .
i honestly hate myself for not knowing why i'm crying and for missing the two people in my life who aren't here right now .
one of them is dear old daddy .
will someone please stop these tears from falling?
or at least tell me why i'm crying?
- xoxo
charis loves you
5:53 PM
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Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Testing
I'm out of middle school and into high
but now it seems I am the only virgin,
the only one who hasn't given it a try.
It seems these years are meant for testing;
but testing can have consequences,
and I don't want to be involved in arresting.
Alcohol floods the school.
"Everyone has tried it,
have a sip, don't be a fool."
If I say, “No. I'm not a fool,”
and decline to try, curiosity fills me;
I want to swim with the current and tide.
A year ago, making out with guys
was kind of weird and gross;
now it's desirable, but where is the cross?
All these thoughts fill my head.
I want to be like Jesus, I think
as I fall asleep on my bed.
High school is filled with testing,
but we don't have to take part
in sex, drugs, and alcohol that pull us apart.
God is with us, protecting us along the way;
so wherever we go, even if we stray,
we just need to look up and pray.
Courtney, 14
Illinois
this is a gorgeous poem .
pretty basic,artistically speaking but the words are absolutely beautiful .
i guess i forgot that all we need to do, is pray .
i've been feeling very alone recently .
in a crowd of about ten of my friends i wonder where i am .
i don't think it'll make sense to anyone reading this but,
-shruggs .
i've never felt so far away before .
and it hurts,
feeling so distant from the Lord .
no,
im not some holy-moley person .
i'm someone who's still looking for something to fill this unexplainable void in me .
i've got all the love i'll ever need and i honestly don't know what's missing .
i've got God,but He seems so very far away right now .
are you there Lord,
do you care?
can you answer my prayer?
Abba Father,
can you hear me?
tell me how to believe?
cos why does it seem,
like it's just an empty dream .
and i need to know if you're still here
for me .
- xoxo
charis loves you
2:36 PM
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Sunday, May 08, 2005
i'm ill .
i've got fever .
happy mummy's day to all mummy's out there=]
hope y'all managed to spend it with your mummy .
sad if you didn't .
we shoudnt wait for mother's day to make them smile,
or thank them for being our mummy .
everyone tells us this but no one seems to bother though .
i love you mummy
- xoxo
charis loves you
10:25 PM
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i am overwhelmed with a tremendous sense of satisfaction.
ah,
at last everything's set and done inclusive of gorgeous gorgeous song .
how could i possibly not have it?
moves me to tears everytime .
now i sound like some sappy,lovesick person .
i liked my old blog .
i loved the layout .
it was so me .
but i decided it was time for a change .
i shan't say goodbye to it though,
there's too much in it to remember .
too many poems i have in no other place .
to many tears shed as i've typed out frustration and hurt .
too much emotion in that blog which lasted what,
a year?
whatever .
too much of it to say goodbye .
i like this layout .
i find it awfully sweet .
a bit more feeling in it compared to my old one .
ohh yes,
and the other one didn't have any archives which was what made me finally decide to come up with something new .
i think i must've accidentally deleted it while changing layouts and stuff .
well,
only i can read back on my old posts in that other blog .
if you missed it,
you missed it .
hah .
shan't put a tagboard because,
well i wouldn't say i find it pointless,
but honestly,
this blog is for me to air my views and for you to read it if you'd like to .
i don't have to have you leaving a message,
good or bad
nice or horrid .
either ways,
i know you love me .
haha .
til next time .
selemat malam .goodnight .or wait .
maybe it should be selemat pagi because it's like,in the morning now .haha .
sorry,
i'm absolutely taken by this wonderful language i'm learning .
i bid thee goodnight .
- xoxo
charis loves you
7:00 PM
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i promise this'll be up soon:)
i'm even looking for a suitable layout for it .
havn't come across anything nice yet though .
and no, i won't be putting in a tagboard .
whatever for?
pointless really .
with love .
by the way,
Happy Mother's Day .
- xoxo
charis loves you
3:05 AM
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peeeeektooores!(: