alone i was
before your love
when i saw you
i knew my life was touched

i saw your smile
and then i knew
that everything i felt
inside was true

i saw your smile
and then i knew
that i was gonna spend
my life with you


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Wednesday, May 11, 2005

i'm sitting here,
tears streaking my powdered face
it's all a mask
something to hide it all,
but you don't know me
you don't even see .

i've lost the person i used to be,
somewhere inside,
she's still alive .
but in this life i'm living,
she's not good enough .
i'm not good enough .
i'll never be .
-to the person i never knew .

i didn't know her,never even seen her, like Ner did .
but knowing that not too long ago she was in the very same uniform as i,
studying similar subjects,
listening to the same old teachers drone on in class makes me feel like i did know her .
somehow .
she's someone i'd have called "jie jie" back in primary school if i'd seen her .
a pl-lite .
the guy preaching in chapel talked about her today .
bloody hell i could've stood up right there and yelled at him to look at another side of the story .
the story he revealed which he used in connection with today's topic
"avoiding emotional abuse" i kind of understood .
but he viewed sheena in a bad light .
made the rest of the level,those who didn't know her, think "the girl's crazy"

he harped on about lesbianism and how it was wrong .
what does that bloody have to do with anything?
then he said "in JC she then moved her focus onto boy-girl relationships"
i quote Calista Low ,
"girl-girl you not happy, boy-girl also got problem .what you want?"

i didn't see Ner in school today,but i wish i was there to hold her tight and tell her to block out what the guy was saying .
it was sad,yes,that she took her own life .
it was indeed, a waste of what could've been a wonderful,happy life that she might've enjoyed in the future .
but no one gives an eff when you're bloody sad and there's no one there .
i don't know about her,but whatever it was that made her decide she didn't want to put up with anything anymore,whatever it is that drove her to breaking point made her forget that she had friends and loved ones around her .

i don't know what's happening right now .
but i'm bloody depressed .
not depressed depressed as in suicidal,
but just,
crying depressed .
and i don't effing know why .

i think it's a whole bunch of things .
the last book i read,
the book i'm reading now,
topped off with the fact that i'm missing my daddy and i'm hating myself for it .
frig .
he doesn't bloody deserve to be even thought about .

the last book i read began about how a guy left his wife to screw his secretary .
the book i'm reading now,
it's the most stupid book i ever thought i'd pick up by the way,
was talking about this whole lot of lovey-dovey couples who have each other and the guy who's supposed to be crazily in love with his girlfriend is screwing some fugly girl with yellow teeth which turns him on .

on top of the realization of what ass holes guys can be hitting me hard like a blow to the stomach,
i'm listening to this really sad song which i don't want to stop listening to,ever .
i feel better and even worse at the same time,crying it all out you know?

what is love?
and why do we fall in love?
why do we keep falling in love even after we've been hurt?
some kinda see love as a drug .
it just numbs everything else .
makes you fly but leaves you crashing harder than before .

i don't understand alot of the things i'm typing out right now .
don't understand alot of the things i'm saying,
trying to understand .
i don't know if i want to .
it's not really fair,
just saying guys are ass-holes .
but many times it's the girl who gets hurt .
or the girl who's willing to forgive the guy after an affair when if it it's the other way around the guy would be outta her life so fast her head would spin .

i don't know what i'm afraid of .
maybe it's getting hurt .
i think maybe i should just live alone forever and ever,
as a stinky old woman with ninety cats .
no wait,
it would hurt too much if my cat dies .
so maybe i'll just live alone and die alone .
no-one'll knoe me and i needn't know anyone .
that way,
no one will cry at my funeral .

that somehow doesn't really make sense either .
maybe we should all turn lesbian or something .
then again,
same sex relationships isn't any different from opposite sex relationships .

i honestly hate myself for not knowing why i'm crying and for missing the two people in my life who aren't here right now .
one of them is dear old daddy .

will someone please stop these tears from falling?
or at least tell me why i'm crying?

- xoxo
charis loves you
5:53 PM

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my boyfriend's a twat
overheard in New York

peeeeektooores!(:

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.