alone i was
before your love
when i saw you
i knew my life was touched

i saw your smile
and then i knew
that everything i felt
inside was true

i saw your smile
and then i knew
that i was gonna spend
my life with you


View My Stats

 

Friday, July 22, 2005

distance distance distance

you know the common misconception that girls are such gossip mongers?
hah.
the irony!
what utter bullshit.
i can safely say,honestly and without a doubt, that guys gossip more than girls.
aand,they gossip anytime anyplace as well!

during rugby,
"Hut 1!Hut 2!" is that even what they say?haha
"hey! *pant pant* did you hear *deep breath* about Mrs so and so's *huff huff,pant pant* love affair?!"

during swimming,
"race you to the other end!by the way, *dives into water* did you hear *under water* about...."

in the canteen,
-chair dragging,over the food fights.

during class,
"yes sir, i'm sorry about the homework. i assure you i will hand it in to you first thing tomorrow morning sir. thank you for you tolerance sir,my greatest apologies sir. *sits down* Eh! you got hear about the that one the teacher not?liddat in public kana police catch wor!"

ok enough about gossipping guys,there's bitchy guys too .
i so do not want to talk about it please .

ever read a love story?
ever got moved to tears?
ever wanted to just read it over and over again and not stop?
read and re-read the lines for hidden information,
for some small tiny detail that you might have missed the other million times you read it.
i have .

and i read it today,
not from the beginning,but from the beginning of the end.
and then the end.
over and over,i read through it.
held,captivated by the words, the feelings,the pent up emotions inside.
i cannot really describe how i felt then,or how i feel now, the author of this love story being someone i'm so very close to now.
i wondered how and what he felt as he typed out the words,
i imagined him sitting there,in front of the computer,
i could almost see and feel,almost taste the tears.
almost feel the frustration.

i don't know what made me read it,maybe it was the closest i could get to him at that point in time.
but like a love story, a romance novel you cannot put down.
i could not bear to stop reading what i had started,
the story that, i realized, i in a way,came into in the sequel.
no,not only could i not stop reading,i felt compelled to read it over and over and over again.scrutinizing every singe phrase,each sentence. peering closely at it then moving back to read from afar.

no,i couldn't stop reading it. i couldn't bear to. not at all.

- xoxo
charis loves you
10:45 PM

(0) comments

i don't know,
maybe it's just me .
paranoia .
silly girl thing i suppose.

all of a sudden it's like,
i'm not even sure what it's like at all.
it's kinda changed.

i feel this weird distance now.
guess in a way,
im scared we're growing apart .
gawd i sound so bloody stupid,
but there it is.

i always find myself extremely clingy .
one of the things i hate about myself in actual fact.
well,
not clingy per say .
but i'm a very close person in that way.

i thought i had cleared some part of my life,
only to realize it's not all that clear.
i often wonder what i'd do,
if whatever i fear comes true .
shit,im speaking in dumb rhymes.
happens when i least mean it .

sometimes i can only be there for you if you let me.
i can only hug and hold you if you don't push me away.
i'll stay by your side baby,
promise i'll catch you when you fall.
but there's a part of you that only you can reach out to.
a part you keep under lock and key,
ever so far away from me.

maybe it's just me,
i can only imagine the worst.
but i don't .
i think of alternatives too.
i know,
but i
i just wish i knew.
and i just wish you'd let me be there.
cos i want to,
you're just not letting me.

if in the end,
it doesn't turn out like we planned,
i know i'll still love you.
and i know for sure i'll still be there for you.

i have to stop here before i start crying in the middle of chinese class

- xoxo
charis loves you
10:19 AM

(0) comments

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

i've been reading back.
read back on my old posts,
read back on even older posts from last year.
it's cute .
and i was laughing and things i said and was angry with.
silly things .
i wonder what's changed really,
what has?

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:55 PM

(0) comments

will i always be there for you
when you need someone
will i be that one you need

will i do all my best to
to protect you
when the tears get near your eyes,
will i be the who's by your side

will i be there when you call me in the middle night
will i keep the rain from falling down into your life
i promise,
i promise i will.

i often wonder what i can do to be a better person.
i seem to mess up all the time.
im not depressed,
promise .

speaking of promises,
i find them of extreme importance,
so why do i always break them?
just like my dad

will you really run away?
i don't know what i'd do if you did.
break down,
cry.
that's for sure.
and don't tell me not to
because it's impossible .
perhaps it's cos i don't really mean all that much,
that's why you'd run away.
but baby,
you mean ever so much to me .
if only you could see.
i love you


as i rest against this cold hard wall,
will you pass me by?
will you critisize me as i sit and cry?
i had fought so hard and thought that all my battles had been won,
only to find the war had just
begun.

i often feel judged .
perhaps you don't mean it.
i know you try hard not to,
it's the last thing you'd want to do,
right?
but just so you know,
i feel judged .
feel like because of one slip up,
you're always holding it against me.
i'm different now,
not the girl you'd always wanted me to be.
instead,
a lot less.
i made my own mistakes and you wished i had just learnt from yours instead of making my own.
my life isn't what you wanted it to be.
i'm less than what i was before.
cheap slut

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:24 PM

(0) comments

Monday, July 11, 2005

went filming on saturday with the musical girls,
ms loh and mrs tan.

when you left i lost a part of me,
it's still so hard to believe.

it was wonderful,
besides having to stand under the sun for like,
forever.
but it was then that i realized with a start,
how much i had missed out.

all the times we used to spend hanging out backstage,
singing with each other,
hurrying through homework,
yelling out "we are a team"
all those time we headed out for dinner after rehearsals,
all those times,
they seem so very far away.

but even after the musical,
we all promised it wasn't the end.
it wasn't.
there was so much more.
i think there's a fine line between preventing yourself from living in the past and totally forgetting your friends.
i wouldn't say we all forgot each other,
but we definitely didn't keep in touch as much as last time.
definitely didn't send as many crazy,nutty text messages.
remember how we used to mass send to everyone so it was almost like we were in a huuge chatroom conversation?
remember the countless mrs tan messages?
:)

i realized how much i missed everyone.
i realized how well we all clicked together,
which explained our unusual closeness.
in a way,
i almost saw what i've been missing out,
so far away from the rest.
not just me,
everyone else too i suppose,
except i'm the one who stays in a seperate block from eveyone.
pfft.
worse innit?

i remember how, when we're all together,
age doesn't seem to matter at all.

i allowed myself to be taken back to the past for a while.
reminisce.
i drifted back in those rather blurry times where
we'd scream(and get told off for it),
tickle each other,
run off with mrs tan hush puppy shoes.

i miss those times ever so much.
it is true,
that one cannot live in the past.
that we have to move on.
but we move on from those times,
smiling at the happy memory.
but we don't,
and should never,
move on from our friends.

you musical girls rock my world:)

musical anniversary coming up.
we should have a grand celebration:)

- xoxo
charis loves you
5:49 PM

(0) comments

Friday, July 08, 2005

i love looking into your eyes,
baby i can see right through you to your heart.
and everytime
i swear we connect.
and i want nothing more
than to lose myself in your arms.

i know you're there for me.
and all i want is to be there for you too.

- xoxo
charis loves you
12:50 PM

(0) comments

Thursday, July 07, 2005

world of my own-

loving you aint hard.
it's what happens all the time that is,
it hurts to see you like that sometimes.
i half wonder whats the point of it all.
just know im here for you,
i always will be.

- xoxo
charis loves you
2:29 PM

(0) comments

i read it,
what was supposed to have died but lived on.
something which had supposedly ceased to exist but carried on existing.
it had a purpose,
making a differance to my thinking.

if things happen,
it's meant to happen and is all part of God's plan.
because if He's allowed it to happen,
He's going to turn even the worstest possible scenario round and make it special.

i believe we're all meant to be here on this earth
and one of the worse things you could possibly say to your Creator above is,
" you made one helluva mistake"
"i aint meant to be here"
cos He doesn't make mistakes.

wonder if things would have turned out differently if i wasn't around.
don't we all,
at some point?
occassionally feel that the world's messed up because of us
and how much better it'd be if we didn't exist.

that kind of thinking is usually caused by this horrible,uninvited guest inside us,
he wants to make us feel worthless.
he wants us to hate ourselves so it'd be hard for us to love other people too.
then everyone would be hating everyone else and we'd all have fallen into his stupid little trap.

am i making sense here?
don't think i am to many.

sam once said,
i say a lot,
but a lot does not convey.
i know how that feels now.

it hurts so very very much when you love someone,
yet for some strange absurd reason,
they don't feel the same way about themselves.

i think it hurts Him very much too,
when we question our existence,
hurts our parents too,
im positively sure.


im tired of blogging pointlessly .

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:52 PM

(0) comments

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

it's been forever since i updated this thing.

been busy,
as always,
who the hell isn't in school .
pfft .

everytime we say goodbye,
i die a little.
everytime we say goodbye,
i wonder why a little.
why the gods above me
who must be in the know,
think so little of me
they allow you to go.

everytime you are near
there is an air
of spring about it.
i can hear a lark somewhere,
begin to sing about it.
there's no love song finer,
but how strange the change
from major to minor.

everytime,
we say
goodbye .

it's strange,
one moment you're on the floor crying,
feeling totally and utterly stupid,
and the next you're pulling yourself up again.

i'm talking weird again,
and i don't know why.
i want to do more than i'm doing now.
i've become this girl i hardly know.
and i'm hating myself for it,
not really hating,
but disliking.

- xoxo
charis loves you
5:37 PM

(0) comments

credits

layout by chris. (:

my|ife

February 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
December 2007

my world

forgotten secrets
poetic poetry(:
honneh bunneh
mommie
sugarr
buble cuzzie:)
buu
holy guy
moooresykins
hubby private&protected
hubby
pretti zombie
boyfriend
babaye sister
dory
dark Lord
unknown wierdo
dahhlingg hippo
[blogger]
[friendster]

just for laughs
my boyfriend's a twat
overheard in New York

peeeeektooores!(:

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.