alone i was
before your love
when i saw you
i knew my life was touched

i saw your smile
and then i knew
that everything i felt
inside was true

i saw your smile
and then i knew
that i was gonna spend
my life with you


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Tuesday, November 28, 2006

of course, it's alright for you to be too busy
either with work or with games
too busy to talk when you're working
too busy to even reply me when you're playing games

of course, i should understand
shouldn't i?

how you managed to play til you were so tired so that
even by the time you called
you were more or less asleep anyway

which kind of defeated the purpose

of course
i should understand
how both sunday & monday night
i was looking forward to being on the phone with you
and i didn't get that

of course, it does come back to me because
after all,
as you say
you said sorry many times

it's my fault, because i'm not forgiving

because the sorrys didn't stop the bleeding i felt inside out

but i should've gotten over it, because you already said sorry
i shouldn't have harped on about it
that's my fault and i'm sorry

"waiting for you to call, when i become a little more than nothing"
a little more than nothing to you

but you called when you finished your game
when you decided i was a little more than nothing

it's raining again,
like the world's crying for me

but of course

- xoxo
charis loves you
12:30 PM

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Friday, November 24, 2006

you see,
if it's as special as that
you realize,
actually there aren't any words to describe it at all

no,
seriously

(:

- xoxo
charis loves you
2:19 AM

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Monday, November 20, 2006

to start off,
something's been nagging me nonstop, day in day out
how i can go back into files of us shamelessly posing in front of the camera
wide smiles and falsely huge eyes
so many pictures
so many smiles
so many captured happy moments

but then you blog;
you say you're alone and not one person in the world cares about you
you're cold and lonely
no one's around to give you a hug
everyone's too busy
no one has time for you

you say all these, and i doubt they're just words
yet i've always been around,
the best i can, i hope i've always been there
as in when you need me
but i suppose it's never been enough
either that or
i don't know
maybe i just didnt mean enough,
my actions never really meant that much
or helped in any way

i went through all your archives
one by one,
month by month
on a single hand,
you might be able to count all those non depressive posts
the rest would simply be telling the whole world
that no one cares
i wish that i could be there for you
i've always wanted to be there for you
but even if i have, it doesnt really matter
it doesn't mean anything

i love you becomes a feeble lie spilt from my lips
because
in the times where you've lost yourself in a dark abyss,
you don't remember how much the people around you care and love you

it hurts,
not just because what i've done before to show i care has been forgotten
and pushed away
but rather,
because when i'm still standing there
real as ever,
standing right beside you
so close that i could touch you,
your back is to me
while you type out that there's no one there for you
there's not a single soul who cares

i don't quite get it,
how when we're upset we record it down
but we don't record it down when we're happy
Charlene once wrote something like that
and she said that she wouldn't like to be cooped up in a room writing about her happiness,
but would rather remember it to write down later
but do we ever get round to doing that?
even if we do write it down it would be something like:
i had fun.
not to the same depth in which we felt it at the actual point in time
now you're simply just,
recording events

of course, if you let yourself settle into how you felt at that moment
you'd say;
i had amaaazing fun, an experience you wouldn't understand unless you experienced yourself

mmmm
that justifies it a bit more

still,
though many of us use blogs to tell the world how many times we brushed our upper and lower gums
there are those who use it to air their thoughts,
similar to a post like this

sure, of course we blog when we're depressed and stuff
but i guess my point is that,
at least in my case
i like remembering that people do care about me
i always remember that
i go back to my secret snapshots,
those of just the both of us cuddling
or of me falling asleep in your arms on a long bus ride home

those snapshots, though blurry over time, will still be there even after photographs have faded and crumbled at a single touch
those snapshots are the secret of my heart and i can visit them whenever i wish

perhaps,
if you had that too
you might like to go back to that when you feel upset or down
before it spirals into a huge depression
where you feel that no one in the world cares about you
because for what it's worth,
when you say that,
all those people who do love and care about you are simply stabbed in the heart

you're not to be blamed for falling into depression
we all get depressed to such an extent where we feel the world has turned it's back on us
but even when that happens,
i'm still standing right there
i always have been and i always will

it just really depends on what you want
it's up to you if you want to see me there
and let me hold you

- xoxo
charis loves you
11:16 AM

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Sunday, November 19, 2006

there's this most beautiful poem which a friend of mine wrote
it felt like something i'd write
she's in Australia now, i do miss her

i realized our writing styles are kinda similar
except hers of course, are infinitely better

anyway:

in the rain

Writer : Charlene Lim


I want to kiss you
in the rain
I am not content
to have your lips on mine
I want them all over
soft, hard, playful

I want to kiss you
in the rain
To hold you close
as damp presses in
showing skin where there wasn't
increasing our nakedness

I want to kiss you
in the rain
Let it gush down
as our lips melt into each other
sealed by sweet tears from heaven

I want to kiss you
in the rain
will you kiss back
not run away
be the only one
to kiss in the rain

- xoxo
charis loves you
8:02 PM

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Friday, November 17, 2006

the safest place in the world

i've got my life back and i'm crawling into it comfortably
going out this evening with ivan for dinner and a movie
been godknowshowlong since i've been out with friends
haha

we're all busy with life aren't we?

granny and grampy left this morning ):
i'll have to get ready to go out again soon soon soooon

anyway,
the new place has been pretty good i suppose
i can't wait to move in
i'll get my own tv and vcd player
(:

gee, what more can i ask for.
OH YES

i need vicky to slob around on my queen sized bed with me and mess it up with chocolate sauce and popcorn

wheeeee

and all i want is your happiness
all i need is that
the safest place in the world is in your arms

- xoxo
charis loves you
3:23 PM

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Tuesday, November 14, 2006

and i'm glad that i can make you smile when you see me
but when i walk away i have to cry
because seeing you makes me wonder when i will next get to
knowing you're so close
but then you're so far
all that's in between us,
a metal gate

you're so close i could touch you
but i don't want to
because i know i'll want to hold on
i won't want to let go

i never have

- xoxo
charis loves you
2:49 PM

(1) comments

Saturday, November 11, 2006

for not being good enough
for not being able to let you feel that i do care
for not being there with you
right now

lookie look charis, looks like you've just failed again

- xoxo
charis loves you
3:38 PM

(0) comments

i really don't believe this
how could you say
that i don't care?

when really,
that's all i've ever done

i'm sorry that you've fallen ill
and i'm sorry you feel the way you do
but you're the one who kept excusing me and saying goodbye so that you'd hang up

go ahead,
say i don't care

i'm just sorry you didn't know

- xoxo
charis loves you
3:21 PM

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she floats above the cypress trees
the sky is hers to roam
she breathes the air without the tears
and touched clouds, like foam
she dances near the sun and yet
she doesn't feel too warm
she falls upon the fluffy clouds
which has become her life's norm

She's flying higher, higher now
she's swooping after birds
She's falling faster, faster as
she hears young laughing girls

The magic's gone, there's no more spell
tears are slipping from her eyes
she's grasping, onto anything
she's falling through her skies

She's bleeding out, the world can see
her dark reality
even in her dreams she could
never set herself free

- xoxo
charis loves you
2:35 AM

(0) comments

thinking about it
and constantly saying it out loud
i suppose it's just me
yes,
i'm being unreasonable aren't i?

it's just that,
who is she and what connection is that at all?
why was she even invited in the first place
but of course,
if it had been me instead of her
his problems wouldn't have been aired and talked about

she meets all your friends
so what difference is there between me and her?

go ahead
call it fucking jealousy
yes,
we know what my problem was tonight

i expressed it clearly from the start
but as always,
i just have to accept it in the end
nothing will change just because i don't agree with it

on the other hand,
when my friend hits depression and wants to go for a walk
i assure you and keep my promises
of being back early
and my friend, she respects you and encourages me not to worry you

that's the difference

you dont have to ask if you don't understand
but this is not something i'll say again

tonight,
i had my sister to talk to about this incident
but with what was going on with my father?
there wasn't anyone i could talk to
the person i usually talk to was busy
and i wouldn't want to bother him with my life after all

i spent my time cheering my mother up
who suffered greatly from quite a few things
my little sister and friend watching a movie outside made it impossible for me to cry myself to sleep

but i couldn't find the tears anyway

after a while,
i realized
i didn't have the space nor the energy to be angry
and as my tears escaped and my screams remained silent,
i'm telling myself that i will get over it
because i know i will

i wrote you a poem today
but i'm looking at it now
i'm throwing it away
because it's full of childishness,
it's full of blank pointlessness
it's filled with the love i had to say

still,
at this moment,
you're playing computer games
i'm online, an extreme rarity
but guess what?
i'll be off before you realize i came on

you don't have to ask
i'm getting over it
and i'm sorry for being unreasonable

- xoxo
charis loves you
2:15 AM

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Thursday, November 09, 2006

i should be more understanding i suppose,
after all,
you were busy and had plans
but i insisted you come with to see something i deemed
wonderfully wonderful
i thought it'd help you with the work you had to do
but of course,
in the end it didn't

me and my bright ideas

so i was left to walk back in the rain,
wait outside for ages before the door opened
sitting there cold and wet

it's not that i'm upset
and after all,
you have made me so happy
and that makes up for everything else
i still smile when i go back to that perfect picture i keep in my head

but for once in a long while
i'll cry for us
because
because it hurt
it hurt, and it hurts

but just a little,
i promise
because,
we'll go back to our perfect picture
it's a one off
which i know you'll kiss away

and i'll be happy again

i'm sorry,
i really am
i don't know why this hurt
but somehow it did,
i don't know how
mainly, it was your words

- xoxo
charis loves you
6:29 PM

(0) comments

Friday, November 03, 2006

that's my baby, akira.
he's kinda uncontactable.

but i've been uncontactable, pretty much
not that many people wanna contact me that is


so i've screwed up,
and i'd like to tell the world about it.
i've been writing a lot.
hour after hour after hour
journalling,
penning down my thoughts or coming up with random stuff

for those of you who didn't know
or wondered how it was possible that i seemed to have disappeared,
erm
i've moved house
so yea.

that's why i've been busy
that's why when you call my home phone the phone operator says you're a nuthead

i'd really like to tell you more about my screwed up life
but
i'm a bit lazy
allow me to rant

well actually my purpose was you know
to let the world know that i'm not dead yet
i'm hitting depression and i've been crying every day since monday
of course,
it's topped off with my period coming soon

other than crying suddenly at random moments for no apparent reason,
i'm fine(:

my beautiful constant
you lied to me

- xoxo
charis loves you
3:31 PM

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peeeeektooores!(:

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.