with |ove; me

Saturday, November 11, 2006

thinking about it
and constantly saying it out loud
i suppose it's just me
yes,
i'm being unreasonable aren't i?

it's just that,
who is she and what connection is that at all?
why was she even invited in the first place
but of course,
if it had been me instead of her
his problems wouldn't have been aired and talked about

she meets all your friends
so what difference is there between me and her?

go ahead
call it fucking jealousy
yes,
we know what my problem was tonight

i expressed it clearly from the start
but as always,
i just have to accept it in the end
nothing will change just because i don't agree with it

on the other hand,
when my friend hits depression and wants to go for a walk
i assure you and keep my promises
of being back early
and my friend, she respects you and encourages me not to worry you

that's the difference

you dont have to ask if you don't understand
but this is not something i'll say again

tonight,
i had my sister to talk to about this incident
but with what was going on with my father?
there wasn't anyone i could talk to
the person i usually talk to was busy
and i wouldn't want to bother him with my life after all

i spent my time cheering my mother up
who suffered greatly from quite a few things
my little sister and friend watching a movie outside made it impossible for me to cry myself to sleep

but i couldn't find the tears anyway

after a while,
i realized
i didn't have the space nor the energy to be angry
and as my tears escaped and my screams remained silent,
i'm telling myself that i will get over it
because i know i will

i wrote you a poem today
but i'm looking at it now
i'm throwing it away
because it's full of childishness,
it's full of blank pointlessness
it's filled with the love i had to say

still,
at this moment,
you're playing computer games
i'm online, an extreme rarity
but guess what?
i'll be off before you realize i came on

you don't have to ask
i'm getting over it
and i'm sorry for being unreasonable

- xoxo
charis loves you
2:15 AM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.