Monday, November 20, 2006
to start off,
something's been nagging me nonstop, day in day out
how i can go back into files of us shamelessly posing in front of the camera
wide smiles and falsely huge eyes
so many pictures
so many smiles
so many captured happy moments
but then you blog;
you say you're alone and not one person in the world cares about you
you're cold and lonely
no one's around to give you a hug
everyone's too busy
no one has time for you
you say all these, and i doubt they're just words
yet i've always been around,
the best i can, i hope i've always been there
as in when you need me
but i suppose it's never been enough
either that or
i don't know
maybe i just didnt mean enough,
my actions never really meant that much
or helped in any way
i went through all your archives
one by one,
month by month
on a single hand,
you might be able to count all those non depressive posts
the rest would simply be telling the whole world
that no one cares
i wish that i could be there for you
i've always wanted to be there for you
but even if i have, it doesnt really matter
it doesn't
mean anythingi love you becomes a feeble lie spilt from my lips
because
in the times where you've lost yourself in a dark abyss,
you don't remember how much the people around you care and love you
it hurts,
not just because what i've done before to show i care has been forgotten
and pushed away
but rather,
because when i'm still standing there
real as ever,
standing right beside you
so close that i could touch you,
your back is to me
while you type out that there's no one there for you
there's not a single soul who cares
i don't quite get it,
how when we're upset we record it down
but we don't record it down when we're happy
Charlene once wrote something like that
and she said that she wouldn't like to be cooped up in a room writing about her happiness,
but would rather remember it to write down later
but do we ever get round to doing that?
even if we do write it down it would be something like:
i had fun.
not to the same depth in which we felt it at the actual point in time
now you're simply just,
recording events
of course, if you let yourself settle into how you felt at that moment
you'd say;
i had amaaazing fun, an experience you wouldn't understand unless you experienced yourself
mmmm
that justifies it a bit more
still,
though many of us use blogs to tell the world how many times we brushed our upper and lower gums
there are those who use it to air their thoughts,
similar to a post like this
sure, of course we blog when we're depressed and stuff
but i guess my point is that,
at least in my case
i like remembering that people do care about me
i always remember that
i go back to my secret snapshots,
those of just the both of us cuddling
or of me falling asleep in your arms on a long bus ride home
those snapshots, though blurry over time, will still be there even after photographs have faded and crumbled at a single touch
those snapshots are the secret of my heart and i can visit them whenever i wish
perhaps,
if you had that too
you might like to go back to that when you feel upset or down
before it spirals into a huge depression
where you feel that no one in the world cares about you
because for what it's worth,
when you say that,
all those people who do love and care about you are simply stabbed in the heart
you're not to be blamed for falling into depression
we all get depressed to such an extent where we feel the world has turned it's back on us
but even when that happens,
i'm still standing right there
i always have been and i always will
it just really depends on what you want
it's up to you if you want to see me there
and let me hold you
- xoxo
charis loves you
11:16 AM
peeeeektooores!(: