alone i was
before your love
when i saw you
i knew my life was touched

i saw your smile
and then i knew
that everything i felt
inside was true

i saw your smile
and then i knew
that i was gonna spend
my life with you


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Thursday, October 12, 2006

oh this is fucking ironic

the last time i blogged,
is exactly what was brought up once more today


you used to say you'd never let me go
i walked away, but you didn't come after me

i'm sorry okay
that i'm not good enough
i'm not your type
that no matter what i do
i'll never meet the standards
not just your standards
but everyone else related to you

i got away from stiff necked stereotyping methodist churches
only to still in many ways
be connected to it

i'm sorry i'm not what you want
i never have been
and never will be
that the person you are,
can never be seen with the person i am

that we can be so close,
yet worlds apart

i used to think
how special it was
we were complete and utter opposites
we were so so different
but now,
i realize
that it's just an addition to all the shit that's already against us

so anyway,
chatting with Ashley cheered me up
was telling him how all my results have come back
he was assuring me that i was brilliant so i needn't worry

it's been long
haha

yes,
so my results have come back
improved
and overall,
i only failed three subjects

but this doesnt mean i won't be retained.
so
chat with ms sem
and i guess even if i am retained i'll have to make sure that
i don't waste anymore time in this little hell hole

********

because i've never fucking been enough

for anyone

- xoxo
charis loves you
11:38 PM

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Tuesday, October 03, 2006

just another day,
just another day.

i'm up rushing art because
you know,
it's really very important to me
and my exam's this wednesday

torrid love triangle
and you wouldn't guess who's blog i've been reading
sometimes her words echo what i feel
and sometime i wonder if they mean what he feels

i'll explain another time

huge blowup with alastair over my new piercing
god knows why actually
he says he doesn't understand why i do things like that
well i don't understand why he blows up over minor issues

lovely innit?
we don't understand each other
so it makes me wonder why the fuck we should be together

nothing makes sense
but i've made my point clear
go ahead,
i'm telling you
since you "don't deserve this"
yea, all i give you is fuckshit right?
get it over and done with and stop dragging this on

all this while you're snoring over the phone right now

i mean,
i don't understand what you bloody wanna do
i'm sorry if i'm not what you want
but you sure are what i want

and i know this

you really don't make sense

you say you have to keep me from my wants
because sooner or later those wants will take me away from you

i said you were selfish
well doesn't it sound that?
and you said selfish for wanting me all to yourself

but the fact of the matter is this,
that "my wants" won't take me away from you
i've changed,
i don't have as many piercings as i'd like,
because of you.

i'm not your little dog who you have to keep from peeing all over your house
or it'll ruin the carpet

ashamedly, i'll admit
you come above a lot of things
and there's good and bad to it
when i get a piercing that you don't like
it's like my minor indulgence
like you playing computer games

i mean, you say it's "just like that"
you "just don't like it"
does it make sense if i throw a temper every time you want to play computer games?
even if it's til late?

no
no, it doesn't make sense

it's like i try so hard and it's absolutely pointless if i do something you don't like,
like get a new piercing or a new tattoo
i know you try hard too
and i don't throw bitch fits over pointless things

those times i called you today,
i thought
that i wasn't so bad
it was gonna be okay

but your mood can change so fast
you say you were never over it
and i thought you were because it never mattered to me in the first place

you say i don't know what i want but you do
i'm saying now
i know what i want
and i know what you want
and i know what you don't want as well
you want me but you don't want me to pierce and get tattoos

honestly speaking,
that's not really me
you're in love with some fantastical girl who has my traits

i know what i want

now,
you go figure out what you want
and if you should go after that fantastical girl who might just exist,
but not in me

but you know i've changed for you
and i will keep changing, even if i don't want to
these are the little parts of me that i'm trying to keep alive
acting
a couple of piercings
a couple of tattoos

but you have a problem with all of em
every theatre production,
you seem to have something against the people i'm working with
or you overreact and say thisthisthis guy likes me

right

so ball's in your court
because i've always left it there

it's like my heart knows
that you're the missing piece

- xoxo
charis loves you
2:58 AM

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Sunday, October 01, 2006

so.
i don't know
how i should feel

for a start,
happy 370th post

celebrated mummy's birthday yesterday
put in as much effort as i could,
not to mention the little extra allowance our grand uncle gave us
yea,
to say i was happy was an understatement when he gave me a hundred bucks
because this would contribute to mummy's little birthday thing at jazz @ southbridge

mummy's little shopping spree landed me the thumbdrive i've needed
even though my sudden desperation for it was taken care of by alastair lending me his
the thumbdrive was good,
and pretty damn cheap

$37 for two 1gb thumbdrives

i'm pretty pleased when mummy hands me the new package

meanwhile,
janice gets a mp3 and mummy's bought herself an mp4 which looks pretty much like a nano with buttons

charis,
get over it
give not to receive

yea
you can't help thinking about
and i'm quiet as mummy excitedly unloads her purchases.

this slight unfairness, though i shouldnt call it that actually
is just a bit different from my step mom giving me thirty bucks and giving janice twenty
or something like that

oh fucking shit,
i should shut the fuck up
and stop fucking comparing

mummy's so happy.
i love seeing her that way

who can blame her?
shopping makes us girls happy

she's also bought a new(and supposedly better)
digital camera

yay,
yay for our new baby
yay for mummy's self birthday present
yay for janice's mp3 which she's always wanted
and erm
yay for my thumbdrive!
i need it for art anyway

yay(:

i've cried too much today,
i have to stop

- xoxo
charis loves you
8:41 PM

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it's just a greying picture
fading more each day
blurring what we used to have,
and taking us away


Your not the person that you used to be,
The one I want who wanted me,
And that's a shame but,
There's only so many tears that you can cry.
Before it drains the light right from your eyes,
And I can't go on that way.

And so I'm letting go of everything we were,
It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

- xoxo
charis loves you
8:21 PM

(0) comments

TATTOO

HER NEW NAME WAS TATTOOED TO HER WRIST
IT WAS LONGER THAN THE OLD ONE
SEALED IN THE SILENCE WITH A FIST
THIS NIGHT WILL BE A COLD ONE
CENTURIES LIVE IN HER EYES
DESTINY LAUGHS OVER JACK-BOOTED THIGHS
“WORK MAKES US FREE” SAYS THE SIGN
NOTHING LEAVES HERE ALIVE
TATTOO

SHE STEPS OUT OF LINE TO THE LEFT
AND HER FATHER TO THE RIGHT
ONE SIDES A COLD, CLEAN DEATH
THE OTHER IS AN ENDLESS NIGHT
GOLD FROM A GRANDMOTHER’S TOOTH
MOUNTAINS OF JEWELRY AND TOYS
PILED IN THE CORNERS, MAILED ACROSS THE BORDERS
PRESENTS FOR THE GIRLS AND BOYS
PRESENTS FOR THE GIRLS AND BOYS
TATTOO

AND IT GETS DARKER EVERY NIGHT
SPREAD-EAGLED OUT AMONG THE STARS, SHE SAYS
“SOMEWHERE IN THIS TUNNEL LIVES A LIGHT
STILL MY BEATING HEART
I HAVE NEVER KNOWN A MAN
WHAT MAN WILL WANT ME NOW?
AM I STILL ALIVE, SOMEHOW?
IF I CAN SURVIVE, SOMEHOW
TATTOOED”

SOLDIERS FROM THE OTHER SIDE
LIBERATED THEM AT DAWN
GAVE HER WATER, GAVE HER LIFE
SHE STILL HAD ALL HER CLOTHES ON
SHE LIVED UNTIL SHE DIED
EMPTY AS THE AUTUMN LEAVES THAT FLY
SURGEONS TOOK THE MARK
BUT THEY COULD NOT TAKE IT FAR
IT WAS WRITTEN ON HER HEART
WRITTEN ON HER EMPTY HEART
TATTOOED

- xoxo
charis loves you
8:03 PM

(0) comments

i'm not missing you
i'm not going through the motions
waiting and a hoping you'll call me
i'm not missing you
you mighta had me open but i must be going because
i got life to do
i know i'm usually hanging on
i used to hate to see you gone
but this time is different
i don't even feel the distance
i'm not missing you

no i cant be with you cos
im scared felt like i was falling when you left me
i cant keep going through life
unaware of what im missing
or the person that i could be
loves good when its right
bad when its left
in your memory all the time anytime
i guess love will be nice for someone else's life

tell me why i feel this way
my head buzzing with information and the lack of time
oh the lack of time!
biology tomorrow as well as the
i-know-i'll-fail-mathematics
i just finished tuition,
maybe just maybe i'll get that chance

back to point
i cannot explain how or why i feel this way
i can't find the words
everything's exploding outta my head
i've written it down on a four page spread
for my eyes and my diary's only.

i can't
because i want to scream
and i'm finding tears down my face again
tell me why please?
i'm pushing it out of my mind
but it's coming through my subconscious,
waking up in the middle of the night crying because
i havn't had the chance to cry it out real life
tell me why why why

and why do i feel this way?
when i know you love me
but it's like you're hiding something
how can i tell you?
why, when did i become this
this insanely jealous person?


let me escape,
because i really need to
different points of views
messed up words
i know you don't understand this either

cos now i'm freefalling
and oh isn't this the wrong time
considering the exams that are still coming

nothing's breaking my fall
no one's there to catch me
i cannot explain anymore
but i just want
to run away with you

because.
because i know it'll all be alright again
because.
because i find that i believe you
because.
because there isn't a reason to think that you're lying
remember?
like the very first time you lied.
we'd dated for barely a month
and you know?
i only just found out

i shouldn't rake this up
not after you've so sweetly apologized
but i realize now,
why it's guts me so bad,
and that's because
you had no reason to lie
and i had no reason not to believe you
so you lied
and i believed you

and this is where i am now
inevitably pondering other things you might possibly lie about
i'm not saying i don't lie
everyone lies
but you had no reason to
and that's why it hurts

and this is what it stems from

and i'm really sorry for thinking,
for feeling this way

i'm stuck on you
i need you more than you need me.
i know that full well

crazed,
mentally unsound
i'm losing my mind
my words don't make sense

i dreamt of my daughter Yeola last night,
i was with her in sunday school.
she was wearing a yellow dress and her hair was slightly curly at the ends,
and dark brown
she had big eyes and fair skin
and she ran to the toilet with the rest of the kids after stuffing their faces with cake
"mommy mommy mommy"
she called, annoyed that she couldn't reach the sink

then i had a nightmare
but lovely yet strangely enough,
good or bad,
i can't quite remember it
it had something to do with alastair
i was hurt
and i woke up crying

irony eh?

now i know you're not a fairytale
and dreams are meant for sleeping
wishes on a star
just don't come true

but,
i'm still so in love with you

- xoxo
charis loves you
6:54 PM

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peeeeektooores!(:

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.