with |ove; me

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

just another day,
just another day.

i'm up rushing art because
you know,
it's really very important to me
and my exam's this wednesday

torrid love triangle
and you wouldn't guess who's blog i've been reading
sometimes her words echo what i feel
and sometime i wonder if they mean what he feels

i'll explain another time

huge blowup with alastair over my new piercing
god knows why actually
he says he doesn't understand why i do things like that
well i don't understand why he blows up over minor issues

lovely innit?
we don't understand each other
so it makes me wonder why the fuck we should be together

nothing makes sense
but i've made my point clear
go ahead,
i'm telling you
since you "don't deserve this"
yea, all i give you is fuckshit right?
get it over and done with and stop dragging this on

all this while you're snoring over the phone right now

i mean,
i don't understand what you bloody wanna do
i'm sorry if i'm not what you want
but you sure are what i want

and i know this

you really don't make sense

you say you have to keep me from my wants
because sooner or later those wants will take me away from you

i said you were selfish
well doesn't it sound that?
and you said selfish for wanting me all to yourself

but the fact of the matter is this,
that "my wants" won't take me away from you
i've changed,
i don't have as many piercings as i'd like,
because of you.

i'm not your little dog who you have to keep from peeing all over your house
or it'll ruin the carpet

ashamedly, i'll admit
you come above a lot of things
and there's good and bad to it
when i get a piercing that you don't like
it's like my minor indulgence
like you playing computer games

i mean, you say it's "just like that"
you "just don't like it"
does it make sense if i throw a temper every time you want to play computer games?
even if it's til late?

no
no, it doesn't make sense

it's like i try so hard and it's absolutely pointless if i do something you don't like,
like get a new piercing or a new tattoo
i know you try hard too
and i don't throw bitch fits over pointless things

those times i called you today,
i thought
that i wasn't so bad
it was gonna be okay

but your mood can change so fast
you say you were never over it
and i thought you were because it never mattered to me in the first place

you say i don't know what i want but you do
i'm saying now
i know what i want
and i know what you want
and i know what you don't want as well
you want me but you don't want me to pierce and get tattoos

honestly speaking,
that's not really me
you're in love with some fantastical girl who has my traits

i know what i want

now,
you go figure out what you want
and if you should go after that fantastical girl who might just exist,
but not in me

but you know i've changed for you
and i will keep changing, even if i don't want to
these are the little parts of me that i'm trying to keep alive
acting
a couple of piercings
a couple of tattoos

but you have a problem with all of em
every theatre production,
you seem to have something against the people i'm working with
or you overreact and say thisthisthis guy likes me

right

so ball's in your court
because i've always left it there

it's like my heart knows
that you're the missing piece

- xoxo
charis loves you
2:58 AM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.