with |ove; me

Sunday, October 01, 2006

i'm not missing you
i'm not going through the motions
waiting and a hoping you'll call me
i'm not missing you
you mighta had me open but i must be going because
i got life to do
i know i'm usually hanging on
i used to hate to see you gone
but this time is different
i don't even feel the distance
i'm not missing you

no i cant be with you cos
im scared felt like i was falling when you left me
i cant keep going through life
unaware of what im missing
or the person that i could be
loves good when its right
bad when its left
in your memory all the time anytime
i guess love will be nice for someone else's life

tell me why i feel this way
my head buzzing with information and the lack of time
oh the lack of time!
biology tomorrow as well as the
i-know-i'll-fail-mathematics
i just finished tuition,
maybe just maybe i'll get that chance

back to point
i cannot explain how or why i feel this way
i can't find the words
everything's exploding outta my head
i've written it down on a four page spread
for my eyes and my diary's only.

i can't
because i want to scream
and i'm finding tears down my face again
tell me why please?
i'm pushing it out of my mind
but it's coming through my subconscious,
waking up in the middle of the night crying because
i havn't had the chance to cry it out real life
tell me why why why

and why do i feel this way?
when i know you love me
but it's like you're hiding something
how can i tell you?
why, when did i become this
this insanely jealous person?

let me escape,
because i really need to
different points of views
messed up words
i know you don't understand this either

cos now i'm freefalling
and oh isn't this the wrong time
considering the exams that are still coming

nothing's breaking my fall
no one's there to catch me
i cannot explain anymore
but i just want
to run away with you

because.
because i know it'll all be alright again
because.
because i find that i believe you
because.
because there isn't a reason to think that you're lying
remember?
like the very first time you lied.
we'd dated for barely a month
and you know?
i only just found out

i shouldn't rake this up
not after you've so sweetly apologized
but i realize now,
why it's guts me so bad,
and that's because
you had no reason to lie
and i had no reason not to believe you
so you lied
and i believed you

and this is where i am now
inevitably pondering other things you might possibly lie about
i'm not saying i don't lie
everyone lies
but you had no reason to
and that's why it hurts

and this is what it stems from

and i'm really sorry for thinking,
for feeling this way

i'm stuck on you
i need you more than you need me.
i know that full well

crazed,
mentally unsound
i'm losing my mind
my words don't make sense

i dreamt of my daughter Yeola last night,
i was with her in sunday school.
she was wearing a yellow dress and her hair was slightly curly at the ends,
and dark brown
she had big eyes and fair skin
and she ran to the toilet with the rest of the kids after stuffing their faces with cake
"mommy mommy mommy"
she called, annoyed that she couldn't reach the sink

then i had a nightmare
but lovely yet strangely enough,
good or bad,
i can't quite remember it
it had something to do with alastair
i was hurt
and i woke up crying

irony eh?

now i know you're not a fairytale
and dreams are meant for sleeping
wishes on a star
just don't come true

but,
i'm still so in love with you

- xoxo
charis loves you
6:54 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.