with |ove; me

Thursday, October 12, 2006

oh this is fucking ironic

the last time i blogged,
is exactly what was brought up once more today

you used to say you'd never let me go
i walked away, but you didn't come after me

i'm sorry okay
that i'm not good enough
i'm not your type
that no matter what i do
i'll never meet the standards
not just your standards
but everyone else related to you

i got away from stiff necked stereotyping methodist churches
only to still in many ways
be connected to it

i'm sorry i'm not what you want
i never have been
and never will be
that the person you are,
can never be seen with the person i am

that we can be so close,
yet worlds apart

i used to think
how special it was
we were complete and utter opposites
we were so so different
but now,
i realize
that it's just an addition to all the shit that's already against us

so anyway,
chatting with Ashley cheered me up
was telling him how all my results have come back
he was assuring me that i was brilliant so i needn't worry

it's been long
haha

yes,
so my results have come back
improved
and overall,
i only failed three subjects

but this doesnt mean i won't be retained.
so
chat with ms sem
and i guess even if i am retained i'll have to make sure that
i don't waste anymore time in this little hell hole

********

because i've never fucking been enough

for anyone

- xoxo
charis loves you
11:38 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.