Monday, October 31, 2005
just came back from Bangkok
the conference was gorgeous
absolutely wonderful
the worship team from India was truly,
by far the best(:
the whole thing was lovely,
i can't put to words what i learnt or how i feel
and if you ask me what i experienced,
all i can say is
God
i experienced God.
i've forgiven my father just that little bit more,
i've grown closer to the Lord just that wee bit more.
and i found out,
that my father loves me.
i saw it in pictures
(chorus)
You Lord.
You You You
You're there for me
You Lord
You You You
You've helped me see
You're there for me when i need you Lord
You shelter me
and Your word's my sword
You keep me safe
You keep me warm
To You i know that i belong(chorus)
My source of comfort when i'm down
i know You'll always be around
You hug me when i need You most
without You Lord i'd just be lost
i know i can depend on You
i know Your promises are true
You're my daddy, Lord
and my best friend
i know Your love will never end(chorus)
when i am broken,
when i am hurt
i find my solace in Your church
You help me Lord to find my way
with You i Know it's all okay(:
(chorus)
besides that,
the shopping was wonderful as well
came back with a whole load of stuff
i'm pleased(:
that's a bit of an understatement really.
haha.
victor and alastair came to pick us up(:
aren't they such darlings!
i couldn't sleep on the flight back
it was too cold
then it was too hot
the space was to tight
basically,
i was restless
i couldn't close my eyes
and i just kept wishing that it'd be announced we're arriving in Singapore.
i was excited(:
i was so close,i could cry
i couldn't wait to hold you in my arms
i couldn't wait to know you're not so far
i couldn't wait to tell you that i love you so much
i couldn't wait to get that precious chance
i couldn't wait to hug you so tight
i couldn't wait to hear you tell me everything's alright
i couldn't wait,
i was so close i could cry
- xoxo
charis loves you
3:15 AM
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Saturday, October 22, 2005
after thinking about it long and hard,
after much deliberation,
after waiting,
i finally got it done.
mummy helped me pick the design,
and i thought it was alright with her.
i know she's never been keen on me getting it,
but the night before,
when i pointed out the place,
chose the design,
she seemed cool with it.
but she wasn't
she hasn't talked to me since
and i've been doing what she's always told me to do from young,
"put yourself in the other person's shoes"
it's something that i wasn't born with,
i know
and it's something that'll stay with me forever
something that'll never go away
but besides that,
i couldn't really understand.
but earlier i read,
and i realized it was more or less what she felt.
except to an even greater depth.
i guess it's something i won't ever really be able to understand,
ever.
not until my own children come along
i'm sorry
i never meant to hurt you,
i swear
i'm sorry,
but will you ever know?
that though i'm always changing outside,
i'm still your little girl inside
i'm sorry,
that what i thought was the green light,
was only what i wanted to see
and i admit
that in many ways,
it was.
and mummy,
i'm sorry for that.
and i'm sorry that somehow,
we seem to have come to this,
again.
this never-ending cold war.
it's not your fault
you know
cos i made the decision,
mummy i'll live with it for the rest of my life
and i dont want you blaming yourself
for what might or mightn't be my mistakes
no,
i don't want you blaming yourself
not now,
not ever
- xoxo
charis loves you
1:50 PM
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Friday, October 21, 2005
so thanks to last nights small indulgence,
i ended up with a hangover.
my head's still ringing.
i swear i'm marked for art
i've been flunked,
even though it's completely not my fault.
i'm gonna be so fucking pissed if they fin dmy work in the end
ld was fun
act to forget really
you get to lose yourself in character,
in the whole play,
in the setting up of all the props
you just forget how screwed up you are.
we finished extremely late
on top of the fact that i've got a hangover,
was doing ALOT of walking with my darling buu.
i love spending time with her
went frog shopping with vicky(:
pedro's coming to school!
you hung up the phone without saying goodbye
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:06 AM
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Wednesday, October 19, 2005
today was result day
you could feel the gloom the moment you got into school.
chapel was gorgeous,
except we were seated.
kept on trying to get vick to stand up with me and she wouldn't.
pfft.
i think overall i improved.
i'm proud of my chinese(:
ladeedaa.
i'm horrified at my geography,
and my art,
my most important,
they lost my prep work.
so i was failed.
marvellous.
don't cry now girl,
they're only grades
don't cry now girl,
this is what you gotta pay
there ain't no reason to shed your tears
even though they're all comin true,
all them fears
it's pointless now,
ain't nothin you can do
guess the best thing,
is to just stock up on booze
won't help nothin'
you just sittin' there cryin'
so don't
ain't no one cares bout you or your shit
so why the fuck should you?
- xoxo
charis loves you
9:59 PM
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a few days ago,
watching parent trap,mummy commented:
"no proper father would choose another over their kids,"
momentary pause as i nodded,
"wait,sorry dear. there
are fathers like that"
that pretty much wiped the smile off my face
but i held back tears,
i knew mummy meant this statement as a joke.
look at me,
six years after my parents' separation,
i'm stronger,i don't care right?
not completely
Because i still miss my father
i still miss him so very much
y'all don't know how lucky you are to have your father with you,
lovin you,
still being there everyday at home.
you'd never think he's gonna go anywhere.
i wound up the musical clown in my room,
ran i through four,five times as i cried and eventually,
fell asleep.
the familiar tinkling of the doll,
in the tune of an old song "feelings"
Daddy just came back from vietnam that week and he was ill with a fever.
janice and i wound up the doll to listen to while he lay in bed
"feelings,nothing more than
feelings
trying to forget my
feelings of love.."
he had sung in a barely audiable voice,
just above whisper.
i'll always remember him and that song.
whenever he was in vietnam and i missed him,
i'd sing that song.
except at first i didn't know the words so i sang it as
"felix, nothing more than felix"
i miss him you know,
i miss him so much.
teardrops,
rolling down on my face
trying to forget my
feelings of love oh how these words echo what is inside my heart,
my feelings
- xoxo
charis loves you
9:54 PM
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Sunday, October 16, 2005
i was reading bird's blog
and decided to go to sggirls.com
do not ask me why
i think it was cos bird said there were pictures of someone ner and vick knew.
who i don't know
so since that website is already familiar to my ear although i have never been there before,
i went
talk about amatuer porn
go under school uniforms,
and joy of joy,note the sarcasm please,
i saw myself
i'm like
"this picture looks familiar"
so i open the very familiar picture
and look to the very familiar place where i know i should be standing in my own copy of the picture
and i see a very familiar face
which looks a hell lot like my own.
i think this website is dumb
my twinnie's there too i think,
cheerleading uniform
and i swear i saw people i knew though they might not really like me mentioning names.
not that anyone would come here anyway.
dumb website
- xoxo
charis loves you
10:44 AM
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so it happened again
honestly,
i've really lost count
i don't understand why you let her do this to you over and over and over again
love i guess,
giving you the benefit of doubt
you guys were going so well,
and baby it ain't you fault this happened.
she's my friend too but
if it's always gonna be like this,
when does it ever end?
will it ever stop?
i thought it did at one point you know,
but look what she's still doing to you.
you get all the shit from her and then you're left,
just like that
it hurts me every single effing time you know?
you might not read this,
but if you do,
then think.
think really really long
and really really hard
think about her,
think about you
think about whether or not she's worth it,
and she probably is
but think about whether or not you wanna put yourself through this all over again
i'm here,i love you
- xoxo
charis loves you
10:35 AM
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Friday, October 14, 2005
dear daddy,
i know you're never gonna read this
so maybe that's why i'm writing this up here
i hate you to a certain extent you know.
still do though i try so hard not to,
try so hard to forget
you know what you did daddy?
you left
you left me,
you left my baby sister,
you left mummy
you left our lives
you left your family
you didn't wanna work out what was going on between you two,
you didn't even wanna try
so you ran to another woman
ran into another woman's arms
jumped into another woman's bed.
you might be cross when you read this,
hell yeah you will be.
but it's true.
you left us behind,
to everyone else you painted a horrid family picture
and now what do you do?
daddy, what do you do now?
you try so hard to play happy families.
every single time
you're my father, daddy
and i hate myself so much for not being able to hate you sometimes
yet,
for not being able to forgive you
and i hate myself more often than not,
for missing you
tell me how to deal with it daddy,
the ache and in some way,
the loss.
tell me how i should feel when you don't contact us for weeks and months
then waltz back into our lives and wanna take control.
do you know how it irks me so?
do you know how absolutely infuriating it is?
just don't do the same thing with her as you did my mother
i love you,
you know.
- xoxo
charis loves you
11:28 PM
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you just feel that way
no it aint a nice feeling
young girls should listen to mummy
- xoxo
charis loves you
3:27 PM
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Thursday, October 13, 2005
exams are over
that strange relief(:
i think i did ok for chinese, suprisingly.
i did my best.
had to go back to school yesterday on that much needed day of rest.
pfft
but it was fun(:
go for animal day y'all,
and go to the ava theatrette.
with you
i can let my hair down
i cna say anything crazy
i know you'll cath me right before i hit the ground
with nothin but a t-shirt on
i never felt so beautiful
baby as i do now
now that i'm with you
- xoxo
charis loves you
8:54 AM
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Wednesday, October 12, 2005
she couldn't take one more day,
home was more a prison now
independence called out
she had to get it
a fight was all she needed
to give her reason
she slammed the door with no goodbye
and moved out, it was time
now she's drivin too fast
she didn't care to glance behind
through her tears she laughed,
it's time to kiss the past goodbye
i'm finally on my own
don't try to tell me no
there's so much for me
just watch what i will be
she walked away,
couldn't say why she was leaving
she walked away,
she left all she had believed inshe sat on the roof,
on the top level of HDB flats.
she shivered in the evening breeze
she'd told her mom she wouldnt be home any time soon
if her mom knew where she was right now,
she laughed quietly
looking down below,
she asked herself what her reason for living was.
she found herself unable to respond to that
she asked herself what her reason for taking her life was
and realized that it was because her life no longer held meaning.
now or never,
she thought,closing her eyes and taking a deep breath
she'd always wanted to fly anyway,
but she guessed it'd just be falling with style
she felt the wind rushing against her,
felt like the air was pushing her back
she didn't dare to open her eyes as her body fell
because she didnt wanna see the ground rushing towards her,
she didn't wanna see the last time she'd fail,
fail to fly in this case.
and just in case,
she didn't wanna see the ground and realize she might have made a mistake.
she walked away
- xoxo
charis loves you
8:43 PM
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Friday, October 07, 2005
i feel sick
no,
not sick like ill
but uncomfortable.
headache-y.
feel like throwing up.
feel like curling up on a cool bed.
i feel..
ugh.
uncomfortable.
indigestion?
yuck yuck
i think i need a cuddle
- xoxo
charis loves you
9:37 PM
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i had to take my math exam after my science exam today
ms wong led me to the com lab where i was to take the exam
2E1 was doing their climate survey there
ms ang was there with the tall lanky teacher who doesn turn out to be so bad after all.
there was another teacher there.
don't know her name but i know she teaches ner.
ms wong told the guy, mr D i think, that i was from 2c2.
"oh, the whole class didnt submit their IT project"
was the response
ms ang scoffed and i caught her eye, smiling.
she immediately frowned and turned to the class asking if they were done with the survey because i had to do the math exam.
"she can do it at 12 when they're done,"
mr D offered ms wong politely.
"it's an exam paper stating she has to finish at 12.30"
came ms wong's reply.
tutting,
ms wong turned to the other teacher, lets call her ms doll cos i really dont know her name,
ms wong asked why the girls had left the climate survey to the last minute.
"E class what"
she said with such disdain that i was rather taken aback,
she turned to the other teachers and ms ang stiffled her laughter.
i glanced at her and realized with horror that she meant what she said.
i heard this teacher, ms doll, is really nice.
i havnt been taught by her so i have no comment.
but what she said was uncalled for.
teachers blog-hop.
everyone knows that.
and everyone's afraid of teachers reading their blogs now in case of things like defamation,stuff like that.
if this is read by any teachers,
i honestly don't think it's defamation.
those were the teacher's exact words.
i am proud of my school and though weird to many,
yes,
i do say my school is one of the best.
but then,
what do i say about nice teachers who turn out to be not so nice to girls who aren't in express?
moving on,
i didn't study for math but i did my best.
at the end i thanked mr D for invigilating me.
"no problem, i didnt do anything"he answered
"yeaa, you just sit there and slack right?haha"
"glad you realize that too" was his reply.
he's not so bad.
i just don't like IT that's all.
- xoxo
charis loves you
9:28 PM
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"she's crying!"
"what" came the response as slow understanding dawned on her
"she's crying"
wordlessly she sped down the steps,
questions unanswered.
this took priority,
she was crying.
and that was all that mattered.
"where is she?"
she demanded into the faceless throngs of students brushing past her.
"where!"
her hands grasped her cell phone and she searched in dispair.
"there!"
someone else pointed,
"she's there"
"what's wrong?"
she asks her,
pushing past everyone else
shaking her head she turns away from her
holding on to her wrist she pulls her closer
"are you ok?"
we walk away,
minutes later there are other people in the picture too.
she walks away sullenly with us
"is she ok?"i ask
she shruggs,
"someone else seems able to cheer her up"
i hear the hurt in her voice,
the defeat.
seating ourselves,
she refuses to eat,
again.her shoulders sink and as i walk away,
i notice she's shrunk quite a bit in size.
her uniform hangs off her shoulders
her eyes so lost
she looked so forlorn
forlorn was the word,
yes, forlorn.
helpless,
dejected,
she sat there and i wanted to reach out and give her a hug.
how it must feel,
i wonder,
to want to help
but someone else seems to do it betteri could feel her losing hold of control
the only control she had now was of herself.
thing seemed to slowly slip away from her,
and this is all from what i see
though she might or might not really feel it.
- xoxo
charis loves you
3:45 PM
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Thursday, October 06, 2005
so for the first time ever,
i succumbed to my laziness and cabbed it home.
mummy's gonna be cross when she sees this:(
but i was tired,
ill
and it was hot.
so byebye 8 bucks:(
the exam today was pretty ok i suppose,
wasn't that bad.
just kept writing as best as i could.
i'm taking my math paper one tomorrow because i missed it yesterday.
and the math paper comes after my science paper and stuff.
yeaa.
math paper two will be after my geography paper on monday.
it's crazy.
math and science.
math and geography
anyway,
the Lord is good.
He answered my prayers:)
i was so happy i cried,
and my widdle buu thinks i'm crazy.
absolutely crazy.
maybe i am
maybe
ok i have to go back to studying now.
or i should sleep
or something constructive
like sleep
or study
or both
or
or something.
you know what?
i have to stop talking like now
- xoxo
charis loves you
1:05 PM
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peeeeektooores!(: