with |ove; me

Saturday, October 22, 2005

after thinking about it long and hard,
after much deliberation,
after waiting,

i finally got it done.

mummy helped me pick the design,
and i thought it was alright with her.
i know she's never been keen on me getting it,
but the night before,
when i pointed out the place,
chose the design,
she seemed cool with it.

but she wasn't

she hasn't talked to me since

and i've been doing what she's always told me to do from young,
"put yourself in the other person's shoes"

it's something that i wasn't born with,
i know
and it's something that'll stay with me forever
something that'll never go away

but besides that,
i couldn't really understand.

but earlier i read,
and i realized it was more or less what she felt.
except to an even greater depth.

i guess it's something i won't ever really be able to understand,
ever.
not until my own children come along

i'm sorry
i never meant to hurt you,
i swear
i'm sorry,
but will you ever know?
that though i'm always changing outside,
i'm still your little girl inside

i'm sorry,
that what i thought was the green light,
was only what i wanted to see
and i admit
that in many ways,
it was.
and mummy,
i'm sorry for that.
and i'm sorry that somehow,
we seem to have come to this,
again.
this never-ending cold war.

it's not your fault
you know
cos i made the decision,
mummy i'll live with it for the rest of my life
and i dont want you blaming yourself
for what might or mightn't be my mistakes
no,
i don't want you blaming yourself
not now,
not ever

- xoxo
charis loves you
1:50 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.