with |ove; me

Friday, October 14, 2005

dear daddy,
i know you're never gonna read this
so maybe that's why i'm writing this up here

i hate you to a certain extent you know.
still do though i try so hard not to,
try so hard to forget

you know what you did daddy?
you left
you left me,
you left my baby sister,
you left mummy
you left our lives
you left your family

you didn't wanna work out what was going on between you two,
you didn't even wanna try
so you ran to another woman
ran into another woman's arms
jumped into another woman's bed.

you might be cross when you read this,
hell yeah you will be.
but it's true.
you left us behind,
to everyone else you painted a horrid family picture

and now what do you do?
daddy, what do you do now?
you try so hard to play happy families.
every single time

you're my father, daddy
and i hate myself so much for not being able to hate you sometimes
yet,
for not being able to forgive you
and i hate myself more often than not,
for missing you

tell me how to deal with it daddy,
the ache and in some way,
the loss.
tell me how i should feel when you don't contact us for weeks and months
then waltz back into our lives and wanna take control.
do you know how it irks me so?
do you know how absolutely infuriating it is?

just don't do the same thing with her as you did my mother

i love you,
you know.

- xoxo
charis loves you
11:28 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

only yours baby

i'm charis vera Ng,
i'm NOT a Singaporean, i was born in UK
but i spent most of my four years in scotland
i love alastair(:
i'm doing my best to live for God though i often fail miserably

ok,try this:
you're this girl who's flown over to this country when you're no more than four years of age
you resent your dad for it,
and it doesn't help when things between your parents don't work out either.

so you miss your home terribly,
you miss going strawberry-picking,
you miss eating boiled eggs out of egg-cups
and you miss warm and cuddly Uncle John and Aunty Esther.

instead,
you find yourself forced to change
and adapt in a horribly hot place
where in primary school,
you meet cold,heartless little kids who ignore you and don't let you play "family"
just cos your accent is different.
early on,
you get weird looks and you find yourself going for recess breaks alone.
your classmates complain to the class teacher when you call them stupid
because they don't understand what to you is simple english.
but they leave you alone when you call them an imbecile
because they don't know what it means.
your primary 1 & 2 class teacher takes joy in complaining to your mummy
because she detests you.
she detests you for constantly correcting her english grammer and pronunciation in front of the class
you soon realize that you can actually gain and keep friends upon them finding out your mother's an actress
but by that time you've more or less forced yourself to lose your accent which makes communication a lot easier anyway.

that was the little girl charis,
now,
on top of that,
i can be a total biotch sometimes, towards people.
and don't tell me you aren't sometimes please.
but i try my very best not to bitch about people.
im a dangerous shopper(=
i never know what i want or need til i see it.

i don't like television.
now that's a first innit?HAH.
bet you never knew someone who didn't like tv
well i don't
and i'm not trying to be different and difficult
it's noisy and boring
i like music:)
i find eating a chore but i love snacking
figure that out
i find certain kinds of pain addictive,
no, i promise i'm still sane.

which is actually pretty remarkable for someone living here,
in this time and place
where you normally get loads of homework,
tests with questions that look like they're in foreign language,
and where everything's a competition to be the best,
the prettiest,
the most popular,
the most hated,
the thinnest,
the fattest, the coolest
the list goes on.
one shouldn't try to be something you're not,
but everyone knows that's easier said than done.
like duurh.