Tuesday, January 31, 2006
i had a dream two nights ago,
a nightmare really.
you were falling,
and i was trying to catch you.
but you slipped right through my fingers.
i pretend it doesn't matter,
when each time i make an excuse for myself to check my cell phone,
there's nothing there.
absolutely nothing chinese new year's been okay.
guess vick isn't coming round to bai nian.
ahh wells.
i've been sick.
like, for real.
poor me
friends coming round to my place this afternoon.
and alastair too
bout it really
- xoxo
charis loves you
2:39 PM
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Monday, January 23, 2006
can't wait can't wait can't wait
ooh.
the anticipation(:
You're the first thing I think of
Each morning when I rise.
You're the last thing I think of
Each night when I close my eyes.
You're in each thought I have
And every breath I take.
My feelings are growing stronger
With every move I make.
I want to prove I love you
But that's the hardest part.
So, I'm giving all I have to give
To you...
I give you my heart.
2nd month tomorrow(:
it seems like it's been forever,
well it has been.
kind of.
- xoxo
charis loves you
8:50 PM
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Wednesday, January 18, 2006
tell me,
will crying always be my lullaby?
cos that's all i've been doing since monday
- xoxo
charis loves you
11:40 PM
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I carry your heart with meLove Poem by e. e. cummings
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
<33
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:30 AM
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Tuesday, January 17, 2006
somehow,
try as i may,
i can't get over what the principle told me yesterday
gee.
that rhymes.
out of point.
anyway,
her words still echo so clearly in my head
"you have to grow up, and grow up quickly"
thinking about it,
i just feel,
and hell do i feel so very strongly,
that she didn't know me.
she wasn't there and she didn't know me when i was 6,
somehow knowing that the lady in front of me was daddy's girlfriend but not wanting myself to think that.
she wasn't there and she didn't know me when i was 7,
still waiting excitedly at the airport for daddy to come home from vietnam.
she wasn't there,
and she didn't know me when i was 8,
one afternoon sitting on daddy's lap for a photograph at city hall,
where starbucks used to be,
in my little black and white tweety bird dress.
and by the end of the following year,
pushing my own daddy out the gate and telling him to go away
cos mummy was crying.
she didn't know how hard it was for me then,
to hear the screams,
the shouts.
and she doesn't know how hard it is for me now,
to not hear his voice every single day.
she wasn't there,
and she didn't know me when i was 10,
during the christmas holidays,
when mummy and daddy were friends again and i thought they'd be getting back together,
when instead,
the divorce was finalized,
not long before christmas.
she wasn't there when my daddy told me at his apartment,
during dinner.
she wasn't there when i told daddy that half the world might not wanna live with the other half of the world and the world still doesn't split into half.
she wasn't there and she didn't know me when i ran into daddy's living room,
not thinking i was going to cry,
and only crying when he came to get me.
she didn't see the tears as he squatted down in front of me to explain and all i could do was kick him away and tell him how much i hated him.
yes,
i told my father i hated him even though i never meant it.
she wasn't there when i was 11,
and during detention my sister's form teacher came to see me.
and she told me that mummy's very busy as a single mom
so i'm gonna have to be janice's second mother.
no,
she wasn't there.
she was there at the musical though,
that was the year we first met.
that was the year she felt proud of me,
and i suppose,
probably the only time she'll ever be proud of me.
yes,
she was there at the musical,
but she wasn't there the year after,
when daddy stopped talking to me because when i invited him and my stepmom to the musical,
i referred to her as "your wife".
nope,
she didn't know about that.
she didn't know about the 5 year old,
back in 241 who dreamt night after night to get her own bedroom,
but couldn't because daddy sleeps in the guest bedroom.
she didn't see the 8 year old who cried so softly while watching dumbo,
pretending she couldn't hear the shouts and the yells from inside the bedroom.
she didn't see the 9 year old,
who slammed the door for the first time in her life,
sink against it slowly, crying,
wishing it would all disappear.
the same 9 year old who ended up physically pushing daddy away.
she didn't see the last look her daddy gave her as he slowly turned and walked away that night.
she didn't see that the 9 year old was torn up inside and all she really wanted to do was say
"daddy,come back. just be nice to mummy"
she didn't hear the prayers of the 9 year old,
the ten year old or the 11 year old everynight.
where each prayer and each wish,
was to have mummy and daddy come back together again.
she didn't see the envy in the 11 year old's eyes when a classmate told the class her parents were seperated but had been secretly meeting in the park and had decided to get back together.
she didn't see the 12 year old at youth camp,
trying so hard to begin to forgive her father and crying for the first time,
during prayer.
and right now,
she doesn't see this 14 going on 15 year old
who sits in front of this computer at 12.16am,
crying so hard,
as she types out all those memories she thought she had left behind so very long ago
and i don't know if she sees that she's the one who has raked it all up again.
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:20 PM
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*name covered for protection:): IF YOU LAY A FINGER ON HER. I'LL HIT YOU, YOU'LL WISH THAT YOU'VE NEVER BEEN BORN. FUCKING BITCH. BURN DIEEE. says:
she's real fucked
*name covered for protection:): IF YOU LAY A FINGER ON HER. I'LL HIT YOU, YOU'LL WISH THAT YOU'VE NEVER BEEN BORN. FUCKING BITCH. BURN DIEEE. says:
she is a real sadist
*name covered for protection:): IF YOU LAY A FINGER ON HER. I'LL HIT YOU, YOU'LL WISH THAT YOU'VE NEVER BEEN BORN. FUCKING BITCH. BURN DIEEE. says:
a real sadist
i love my darling buu more than i ever thought i could.
she's a darling
- xoxo
charis loves you
12:03 AM
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Monday, January 16, 2006
you won't believe how pissed off i am.
no,
it's not because i got caught from my uniform
i'm almost used to it.
it's far from it.
it's how i ended up getting called to the principle's office.
She's a stupid old has-been hag of a bitch.
and i do not,
i repeat,
do not mean the principle.
i swear she only reported me to the principle,
only slyly,
oh so sneakily,
got my name from the photographers and passed it to the principle because when she told me to do something about my uniform i said yes and walked off.
she was probably insulted or something.
gawd i hate her.
yes i hate her.
i hate her i hate her i hate her.
- xoxo
charis loves you
7:14 PM
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Sunday, January 15, 2006
the corny lame-ass stuff my sister saysi realized she comes up with really dumb sayings and i should tell the world about it:
roses are red,
violets are black
why is your chest
as flat as your back?
CHEESEBUN
let me ponder this for a brief moment
okay,
there's a whole list
and i get it on a daily basis.
maybe i should blog more often and tell the world.
whatever.
words get stuck in your throat when you wanna talk about it.
i'm reading a gorgeous gorgeous book now.
toodles
- xoxo
charis loves you
6:43 PM
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Thursday, January 12, 2006
Oh when I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
His magical myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold me tight
Baby Hold me tight
Oh cos I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster
- xoxo
charis loves you
10:58 AM
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i think i've got tummy flu
i feel horrible,but in the very least,
a wee bit better than last night.
sang at the wedding dinner last night(:
wasn't so bad in the end.
we got them to dance on stage(:
it was so cute!
they'll be flying off to japan, then boston pretty soon.
it's so so beautiful.
it's raining right now,
like it was raining yesterday,
and the day before yesterday,
and the day before that.
it's dark, cold and somehow,
awfully lonely.
but there's little anyone can do about that.
i fell in love all over again,
but that's hardly the point is it?
before i blogged this,
i looked up and saw shawn and yimin's wedding invitation cards.
and it was all i could do to stop myself from crying.
i've been doing that quite a bit recently.
yesterday was one day i didn't cry,
it was wonderfully beautiful,
but just for that one day.
well how was i to know?
i thought it was all okay,
i thought from the beginning,
knew from the beginning that the problem was me.
that it was just me feeling the non-existent distance and distancing myself even further.
so when everything fell back into place,
i thought it was the restarting of the rest of our lives.
but now,
everything's just confusing me.
i'm so in love baby,
what do i do?
there's no way i'll ever get over you. i thought i would be one of the rare few who would,
but i guess not everyone gets their fairytale ending like shawn and yimin.
- xoxo
charis loves you
10:13 AM
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Tuesday, January 10, 2006
it's raining.
it's been raining a hell lot
and sometimes i just wonder you know?
- xoxo
charis loves you
2:29 PM
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Saturday, January 07, 2006
i never thought i'd be one of those who cried at weddings
i mean,
sure i know i'm emotional.
but crying at weddings?
shawn and yimin got married today(:
it was so gorgeous!
absoultely beautiful.
and you realize
just how important something like this is.
everything was real pretty and everything.
haha.
just as i thought,
some of their wedding photos were taken at vjc,
where they first met.
so cute innit?
laadeedaa.
this kinda couples make you realize that life can sometimes be a fairytale that can actually come true.
for some that is
and they lived happily ever after
- xoxo
charis loves you
11:05 PM
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Thursday, January 05, 2006
school was alright today,
went out for lunch with vicky, marisse and a coulpe of other girls.
macs(:
of course,
only got round to it after running around looking for something and dragging everyone around with me
how do i tell you i hate your job hon?
how do i tell you i hate your long hours,
but most of all,
how i hate how i hate how you're being treated?
you shouldn't get used to it.
really i'm getting used to school,
busy schedule.
and since when did they have lessons after lunch?
since when was there lunch besides recess?
since when did school end at any other time besides 1 bloody 45?
i love my chinese class(:
i love my english class(:
and i havn't figured out my math class.
pfft.
- xoxo
charis loves you
1:44 AM
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Tuesday, January 03, 2006
no matter how much my friends do like alastair,
i take such comfort in knowing that they're always there for me to fall back on,
knowing they're on my side and that they're watching out for me,
not wanting me to get hurt.
so thank you,
thank you for that(:
- xoxo
charis loves you
11:12 PM
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i felt the nakedness of my finger,
but i could hear the tinkling of the ring and the tiny teddy bear inside it with each movement i made.
i missed the morning messages though i do admit,
but then again,
somehow my mind wasn't on that as i found myself thinking about the excitement of starting school again,
whether or not i was gonna be late,
and how i'd be helping my sister adjust to secondary school life.
or trying to help.
so lots and lots of talktalktalk by big bird,
i liked ms gan's talk though,
she's so cute!
i missed him during class,
and i found myself thinking of him,
if he was awake yet,
what he was doing.
it was already 10.56am,
had he met up with her yet,
was he having fun,
how come i don't get a morning message,
so maybe he's not up.
whatever.
so typically me.
so being so typically me,
i text him and get a three word reply.
okay,
i decide at that point,
concentrating on something else.
it wasn't so bad after that though,
it wasn't til i after school that i felt that ache in my stomach,
or maybe my tumtum was feeling empty.
wasn't til i saw everyone else that i felt that pang of not having someone there.
bird, hooking up with rach and walking downstairs,
dory waiting for someone,
it mightn't have been her girlfriend but yeaa well,
and ann na,
so fast outta the classroom you couldn't have noticed she'd disappeared.
well,
actually that horrid pang came first as we seated ourselves for the discipline talk.
our class was next to demelza's so obviously she swapped seats so she'd be beside dory.
and inside i'm just like
awwwwww! it's so adorable!i mean,
they weren't like holding hands or touchy feely, lovey dovey,
but there was something there that you could feel.
and you just think it's so so sweet.
and i look to the person beside me,
my dear look-alike twin who probably also misses someone dearly.
haha.
silly me.
but oh,
it just felt like that.
to know how i feel,
imagine walking down your highschool hallway,
and you see all these really sweet couples,
leaning against lockers talking,
holding hands and walking,
or girlfriends gossiping
and jocks jerking around as always.
and you're alone as you walk down the hallway.
yes,
all alone.
and you know your own special someone's out there,
but that special someone isn't there,
right there with you,
isn't holding your hand,
and doesn't have an arm around you.
yeap.
that's how it feels.
- xoxo
charis loves you
10:57 PM
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first day of school was pretty alright.
i love the class i'm in,
and i'm quite sure i'm gonna have a hell lot of fun this year and the next.
birdee's our monitress.
dory,ann na, bird and i are sitting in the same row
candice and annabella are in the row behind us.
do you get the picture?
haha.
you ought to really.
actually,
knowing bird's out monitress is enough to know what the class is gonna be like.
haha.
munched in school with janice and mummy.
ohoh.
THANKS FOR THE PRESENT NER.
I LOVE IT.
(:
haha.
alastair got me a blue rose(:
isn't he just absolutely adorable?
mummy's gonna think i'm going all coo-coo over him again.
haha.
ah wells.
he's just absolutely adorableso anyway,
this year somehow feels like a really good year.
i'm so gonna make the most of it.
i don't study hard.
but i'll put effort into most things,
for once.
yeap.
2006,
baby here i come
- xoxo
charis loves you
10:37 PM
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Monday, January 02, 2006
With no gardener, seeds cannot grow.
With no carpenter, trees cannot be used.
With no captain, the ship is lost.
With no teacher, the desk is futile.
With no author, the book is empty.
With no maestro, the piano is silent.
With no God, life has no purpose.
Tyler Josephson 17
Redwood Falls, Minnesota
- xoxo
charis loves you
9:30 PM
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somehow i knew everything would be different
i didn't think how different.
the two major happenings of the year,
Christmas and New Year,
turned out to be a lot more slack,
a lot more fun,
a lot more simple,
and a lot more meaningful.
Christmas day:
woke up too late for church so we had leftover pizza for lunch while watching Ella Enchanted,
after which we spent the rest of the day at alastair's house.
New Year's Eve:
i dressed up,
he came over,
we had lunch, another movie.
parties were opened to us,
New Year's parties all over the place,
one at Ngee Ann City which i was told i could get discounted tickets to,
one at Siloso with DJs and VJs which was offered to alastair,
tickets for free,
and a fucktastic party at Stacey's which honestly,
was the one i wanted to go for most.
either that or watchnight at cmc,
like every year.
but charlene wanted a movie marathon at my place,
in the end she was sick so it was called off.
we decided on our own movie marathon and stopped by macs to pick up burgers.
and that's where we had our countdown.
a hell lot less fireworks,
i'd actually say there weren't any at all.
a hell lot less people.
just a buncha tired macs people who in the middle of getting our food ready started shouting
7...6...5...4...
and so,
yes, this is true and this is real,
we had our countdown in macdonalds.
and somehow,
it was more special than if it had been with fireworks and noisy sweaty people screaming and kissing everyone in sight.
it's already monday morning as i type this,
in about 26 hours i'm supposed to be getting myself ready for school.
the idea of the end of holidays sucks,
hell it sucks so bad.
but then again,
believe it or not,
i'm really really excited.
honest.
it's a new year isn't it?
a fresh start,
and baby,
i'll give this year a shot.
shot at what i don't know,
stop picking on my bad ass english.
don't know if we're moving in with daddy,
he's kinda still in malaysia and i havn't been able to contact him at all.
yeaa well.
i think i'm gonna have to start working or something,
i need cash fast.
schoolschoolschool.
same old routine eh?
once we get our school diaries,
we all gonna be flipping through it and counting down to the next holiday.
i'm looking forward to school.
honest.
but i'm looking forward to the next holiday more.
- xoxo
charis loves you
3:46 AM
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peeeeektooores!(: